You Get Wiser As You Grow Older

It's always a good idea to record thoughts, events and feelings on paper. Once in a while, when you read your journal entries from the past, they remind you that you have, in fact, been taking all the right decisions.

The decision to deal with the trauma of rape instead of letting the shame and the agony scar you for life.

The decision to love again.

The decision to get rid of people who don't really give a fuck about you from your life.

The decision to start dreaming again.

The decision to make your dreams come true, one small step at a time.

And lastly, the decision to not give up your search until you have found your knight in shining armor.

(In my case, however, the knight found me and not the other way round!)

The Stoner

The pretty purple pills

That I take to go to sleep

Make me want to kill you

Make me want to weep.

I bury my head under a pillow.

Stifling the horrid moan.

My body wants me to stop.

But my mind asks me to get stoned.

So I take just one puff.

Let the smoke fill my head.

Then I take one more.

And my head feels like lead.

I meet some old friends.

And make some new ones too.

They save me from ennui

When they come to my rescue.

But time is my worst nightmare.

It ends my grand trip.

My dreams fall right apart.

As it cracks it's whip.

So I go back to bed.

Unwillingly wake up the next day.

The circus begins yet again.

I'm just a stoner. Okay?

The Journey

The road seemed long and winding.

The wind blew hard and cold.

Another day was to begin.

Another story was to unfold.

I walked straight ahead.

For so many a day and night.

Never to stop and rest.

only following that one ray of light.

The light vanished one day.

I was lost and I was confused.

So I changed my path

And walked on unbruised.

I took a long, deep breath.

Summoned the gods.

Asked for the strength to carry on.

Against the tides, against the odds.

I put my hands into my pocket.

And walked on for a mile or two.

The ray of light flickered again.

That's when I met you.

My journey thus came to an end.

And that's when I knew.

I found love.

When I found you.

My end of semester examinations (dreadfully dubbed as "end sems") start from Monday and here I am, unprepared, disinterested, lethargic yet scared stiff.

But atleast I made a pretty picture, here, see:

(click to enlarge)

How Much Worse Will It Get?

The truth is I don't know where I am anymore. I've lost track of myself. I cannot quite trace who I am, or rather, who I used to be.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

I used to be strong, so strong.

So brave.

Such a fighter.

I'm just lonely as hell now.

There's so much that I'd like to say, but who has the time to listen these days?

Everybody's busy.

Everybody is doing their own thing.

Living their own life.

I'm the only one living a lie.

But I guess I'm partially at fault too. I've been making all the wrong choices over and over again...

Stop.

Rewind.

If only it were that easy...

I Don't Like The Bitch You're Dating!

A sleepless boy.

His radioactive toy.

Bringing him joy.

As the girl dies a violent death.

The chap is nice.

Full of spice.

Cold as ice,

his girlfriend's a whore..

I miss being unconditionally happy.

You know, when you're just happy.

Carefree.

There's a soft, sweet wind blowing.

On an otherwise hot summer night.

You take a moment off.

And just breathe.

Value your life.

Smile to yourself, think of all the things you have.

Be reassured.

Be content.

Go back to sleep again, with that smile intact.

Ordered Disorder

There's something missing from my life right now. I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Or for that matter, I don't feel like doing anything that is somehow associated with a routine.

It's like a mutiny. Against myself.

I don't know what it is about me that makes people love me yet take me for granted all the time. Everybody's doing it. Be it consciously or subconsciously, they put me on this pedestal, like I'm never going to let them down, forever be perfect, be there by their side.

While it's quite flattering to think that most people close to me feel that way, it's also quite heartbreaking to think that I do almost all the things that I do expecting nothing in return. I know for a fact that it's a selfish world and everybody's just concerned about their needs. They have better things to do about worry about someone.

So where does that put me?

I don't know, really.

I love. I give. I do things. Without expecting anything in return. I don't do it because it's the right thing to do, but that's just the way I am.

But right now, I'm just a little sad. I don't think anybody really cares.

No, this is not a random self-pity injected post.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Not because I'm upset or happy or any of those things, I'm just very very disillusioned.

Let's face it, I've never been very good with people-to-people relationships, I've never known where to draw the line and protect myself from the big bad world. I guess I'll never learn.

You see, I still think of that day sometimes. I wonder if things would still be the same if I hadn't encountered that day. Would I be better at this? Would it be less painful every time somebody/something broke my heart?

I guess I'll never know...

The time has come for me to choose.

Do I want to be a musician or do I want to be a rockstar?

The Ganesh Talkies

These are a few excerpts from our very first "photoshoot". Ganesh Talkies is not just my band, it's more like my baby.

Please 'like' us on facebook! :)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ganesh-Talkies/166092616748588?v=wall

Coma Grey

(heavily influenced by/tribute to Marilyn Manson's 'Coma Black' and 'Coma White')

She popped her pill

And closed her eyes

Shut her ears.

And abandoned all the lies

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be

She was trapped in herself, for an eternity.

She scratched her skin

Just to feel it bleed.

Like vermin breeding

from her seed

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no on she could be.

Her despair hung from the sky, like a canopy.

She smelt of decay.

She smelt of death.

Sinking into oblivion

with every breath.

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be.

For she lay buried under a nameless chestnut tree...

Exit.

Insecurities have been creeping up on me lately. I'm starting to question my capabilities.

And my abilities.

And I'm often asking myself if I'm good enough these days.

It's really scary.

I would like to think of myself as a confident person, but lately everything's been going horribly wrong. My self-confidence is at an all time low. I feel like I deserve more love and more affection than I'm getting from the people around me. I wish people would be happy for me for a change and not try to bring me down at all times like they do.

No matter how hard I try, I reach a plateau where I feel like I can never be good enough and so instead of rising to the challenge, I merely choose to run away.

I can't help it.

That's how/who I am.

My body is craving for a high. Any high. Just to escape, yet again...

I wonder what it is about me that intimidates other women or makes them HATE me so much!

:|

The Rain Song

I've been listening to a lot of stuff that I would in the past, which I think helped in shaping me the way I am today. It's been a long time, but Nirvana, The Doors, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Radiohead, Soundgarden and Coldplay (I'm sure I've missed a few bands!) will ALWAYS occupy a very special place in my heart...

(if you don't think this is beautiful, then my friend, you are incapable of understanding music and love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4v-_p5dU34

Lameting The Loss of Good Music

I've been writing lately. A LOT, all in the pursuit of trying to make some nice clean original music. But the music scene in the city is starting to frustrate me a little. Over this past one year, I've discovered that there are different levels that exist in the music circuit in the city.

• The BIG names and the BIG gig bands
• The almost BIG names and the almost BIG gig bands.
• The regular gig bands.
• The genius but un-commercial and un-interested bands
• The bands that are worshipped by the mass
• The bands that are worshipped by the class
• The wannabe-s

Now the levels don't really allow much change and most categories remain the same forever. But recently, I've been going to watch some of the competitions that take place at round this time of the year and I've faced nothing but heartbreak so far.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE GOOD BANDS???

I see around me not musicians or people who're trying to get there. I see around me just some brainless/musicality-less pompous assholes who know not the slightest thing about music. Their arrogance shocks me, really. They think no end of themselves and just because they win a competition they think that they're great.

WAKE UP!!

The only reason why you're winning is because you're competing against equally bad, if not worse outfits (I refuse to call them musicians/bands...sorry!) Same time, last year, you wouldn't even dare to take part in these events and even if you did, you probably got raped by the brilliant musicians (who seem to have gone into hiding this year!)...so don't think we're stupid. I lion is the king of the jungle because of his superiority, not because there are only mice and ants around and he the lone powerful one.

Ideally, I shouldn't really let it get to me, because I've never been a part of the competition circuit, I jumped straight to That Place Else's A-circle and haven't looked back since. But every time I open facebook, and see how pigs these days are flying, it REALLY does irritate and frustrate me, to the point where I'm contemplating the formation of a new project with a few close friends just to show these retards what making good music is really about.

*sigh*

It's like Kalyug (the age of chaos in Hindu mythology)...we need a saviour. Somebody like Nishchay Parekh, (woohoo, I actually took a really real name!), will you please do the honours and save the world?

Sometimes I wish I were a boy.

That way, obese mustached men old enough to be my father wouldn't molest me in public transport.

That way, I'd be able to dress up the way I want to without having to hear catcalls from random eve-teasers in the streets.

That way, nobody would randomly comment on my body on the road.

That way, nobody would make me feel insecure about myself.

And break my self-confidence into a million pieces.

That way, nobody would look me funny if I walked into a bar and ordered a drink just by myself.

That way I wouldn't have to worry about coming back home alone after dark without getting groped.

That way, nobody would touch me.

That way, nobody would grope me.

That way, nobody would molest me.

That way, nobody would rape me...

That way, everyday wouldn't be a challenge like it is now in order to protect whatever is left of my honour..

I Need To Start Naming My Posts Again.

It's raining.

My body (or maybe just my mind?) is craving for a high.

I have been listening to Nirvana for about 3 hours now, continuously!

*screams*

(besides, this is what I look like when I'm high. NOT FUNNY, aint it?)

I've pictured a meeting with the monster a 100 times in my head. What if I meet him on the road one day...gloat about how happy I am these days and how it's actually all because of the fact that I encountered him 7 years ago or just pretend like I can't remember (at all) who he is and just let it go as if nothing happened?

I will never know.

I DO NOT believe in such chance encounters. Everything does happen for a reason. My life has found new meaning. Nothing/ no one could change that!

There are so many things that I could write about. But I can't. Whatever happened to the good old freedom of speech and expression?

*makes sad face*

They say that alcohol is like buttsex...it's an acquired taste, it satisfies a percentage of your needs and it's safe. But never ever can it be the real thing. Never can it fully satisfy you, satiate you.

Marijuana can never be replaced.

Neither can sex be replaced.

Oh dear lord, what kind of a world are we living in, where sex, drugs and rock and roll are the only thing that matters!

PS~I DON'T SMOKE weed anymore, haven't for months now. Turns out that it is bad for my throat. Also, I do not practise sodomy either. Go figure!

There are good days.

Bad days.

And days when you fall in love all over again!

:)

Like being kicked in the stomach, repeatedly.

I'm trying to purge out all the thoughts.

But they never do exit my system, they keep coming back once in a while.

I see traces of my monster everywhere. It's hidden somewhere deep down inside all the people who matter to me, waiting to pounce on me. Waiting to scratch my face and disfigure me. Waiting to taint my soul with it's impure blood, again.

It's a cyclic process.

There is no beginning.

There is no end.

At least for now.

The nightmares now come and go like they're a part of the scripted reality (and part fiction) that I live in.

I'm wasting away, with each passing minute. I'm disappearing into the big nothingness that is time. I'm fading into oblivion. I'm losing my life in the gamble of fate, destiny and death.

I'm dying.

With each second that's flying past, I'm growing old. And ugly. And weary. And fragile.

Stop, please?

What My Tattoos Stand For.

My Eternal Love For Kurt Cobain: not because I love his music, but because it signifies a phase in my life which has molded me into what I am today.

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-02-20.html

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-04-06.html

This Week's Love(s)

• HYPERBOLE AND A HALF is turning out to be my favourite blog of all times. Like really! http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
• Clipping by Mutemath. Genius. This song reinforces my belief in being able to get high without weed, without alcohol without hash, without any intoxicant!

• Ancient Indian History. I'm starting to like my paper on Ancient Indian history this semester at the JOO. I may not pass AB's paper by any means, but hey, atleast I LIKE what I'm studying!

• Which brings me to the next one, the JOO (also known as Jadavpur University, Kolkata, incase you're an outsider) Dude, 14 fuckin' years of hell later, I have finally found and educational institution which has accepted me with open arms for who I am ad not who they want me to be!

A Bit Of Cliched Banter.

I need to write more often.

*sigh*

Where is the time?

Where is the interest?

Where is my mind?

Boyfriend and I have been spending an obscene amount of quality time together these days. I hope it stays that way, I really do. It's funny how the transition from being the best of friends to lovers never seemed awkward to us. Sometimes when I'm lying in his arms, playing silly games or just enjoying a moment of solitude together, I wonder why life's being so good to me for a change. It's almost as though I'm being rewarded for all the hardships that I've had to go through over the years.

When I look into those eyes, I don't see someone who lusts for me, I don't see someone who wants me for the sake of it, I don't see someone who's with me for fame or for fortune or for any hidden agenda.

I see someone who loves me back as much as I love him.

That's all I need.

Boyfriend's the kind who'll stick with you no matter what. He'll hold on to you even though you're trying to push him away. He'll break down all the walls that you create around you, once in a while, to isolate yourself from the world. He's the kind who'll not refer to you as "hot"/"sexy" cause he thinks you're beautiful-even when you have a pimple outbreak or a swollen and deformed lip as a result of an insect bite. He'll kiss your tears away and best of all, he ALWAYS knows when it's a good time for a massive bear hug to lift your spirits!

I've never felt this way before. It's almost as though all this is just too good to be true. Nearly half a fuckin' year together and he STILL makes me go weak in the knees like it's the first day that we're together together.

So those of you who predicted that we wouldn't get past a month, EAT YOUR OWN SHIT. Hah!

*gives imaginary Best friend-esque hi-5 to boyfriend*

Too much sex.

Too much wine.

And she starts to believe

that she's all mine.

Hah.

When Life Takes Back What It Gives You

It is said that only those who have come face to face with death know the actual value of their life. We apparently learn to appreciate what we have only when we are on the brink of losing it or have lost it.

It was 3 am in the morning, we had just dropped off one of our members and were on our way back home after our gig. The car, a majestic beast, was strolling down the dark and hauntingly eerie road when the incident took place. I was about to drift into a sweet slumber like I usually do, when I heard the voices screaming out. But before my brain could grasp what was happening, I saw gigantic iron rods puncturing the car, smashing the windshield into a million little pieces. Some of it became dust, shining brilliantly like diamonds, poking into our skin as the wind joined forces to cause injury to us mortals. The majestic beast became crushed, crumpled and so powerless in a fraction of a second. Like the death of a star, ruling the universe one second and getting lost in oblivion the next, like the sudden transition from a lion to a lamb.

For a minute I thought that it was all over.

And contrary to popular belief, my whole life didn't flash before my eyes, just the faces of the people who I loved the most.

My parents. Him.

As we regained control of the situation, after a momentary lapse of reason, all four of us sitting in that car became numb. Too numb to speak. Too numb to breathe. Too numb to feel.

What I, or rather we, experienced in the dawn was nothing short of a miracle. Those iron bars could have taken our heads and our lives with them, but they chose to take the life of the car instead and we escaped only with minor injuries and a lifetime of fear.

I have always been a rational person, not believing in miracles and all that jazz. But how else could I possibly explain what happened to us yesterday?

The aftermath, like the skeleton of the car, needs a lot of time to be fixed, in order to be cleansed from our system.

I'm trying really hard to erase the memory from my brain but so far I've been pretty unsuccessful. Like the pieces of minute glass etched into my skin, it'll take time to fix myself up once again, the same goes for the others as well. The physical scars may heal, but who will mend the heart?

When destiny decides to take your life away, even if it's for a fraction of a second, you realise that life is nothing short of a gift and that each moment may be your last here on earth. So it' s best to cherish it.

It sounds very clichéd, I know, but trust me, only those who have seen the ugly face of death for a brief period of time will know what life's worth at the end of the day. I pity those who commit suicide and throw it all away just like that...

I'm so lucky to be alive.

Very very lucky.

And Thus. And This.

The little girl lives

with the old man, his memories to keep

him company.

The dog wags it's tail.

Salivates.

Chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl lays in the green grass.

Looks up at the blue sky.

Sees the clouds of illusion.

Fueling her imagination.

The old man smokes his tobacco.

The dog wags it's tail.

The little girl falls into the hole.

The old man is too old to rescue her.

The dog wags it's tail.

Still chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl stays there.

Falls deeper and deeper and deeper.

Till she hits the floor.

Breaks her spine.

And dies...

I HAVE To Post This!

I turn 19 tomorrow, my last year on this earth as a teenager. It's been quite a journey so far but somehow I still feel like an underachiever. There are so many things that I should have done and so many things that I should not have done, but then again, these different twists and turns have made me who I am today.

I HATED it when I turned 18, all the fun things in life were legal and not so much fun anymore. I have no comments about 19, cause 16 onwards things just keep getting worse.

So if last year brought out the musician in me (incidentally, I complete a year of pursuing music professionally the day after), let's see what this year has in store.

Or maybe not.

This is Not a Love Note, Or Maybe It Is.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I can still feel that rush of adrenaline when we kissed for the first time. It was as though you were the last piece of puzzle and you fit right into place.

The way your hands fit into mine like they belonged there.

The way we looked at each other and knew for sure that this was meant to be. That we were meant to be.

I feel so stupid now that I think of all those moments that clearly indicated that we had fallen hook, line and sinker for each other. We were so naive, or maybe just scared of the consequences if things ended badly.

I will never forget the first time you said those words. There I was- unsure of myself, unsure of how you felt about me, a complete mess and out of words...how things changed with just those three words!

I don't remember what led to that first kiss. It wasn't lust. It wasn't amusement. I don't know what it was, but I'm glad that it did happen. My only regret is the fact that this could have happened earlier, had we not been so incredibly un-smart!!

But for what it's worth, I couldn't be happier.

They said that we'd tire after the first month and call it off. Looks like we keep proving them wrong every single time!

I hope you don't read this, it'd make me super uncomfortable.

Or maybe I want you to read this. I can't express how I feel because I love you too goddamn much so here I am, struggling to convert my feelings into words and so far I haven't done much justice to the former!

You may not be physically present with me at the moment, but it doesn't matter. I can feel you with every heartbeat. Yes, my love for you runs in my blood.

I love you.

Happy anniversary, slightly belated, but still...

Say My Name

I could feel his breath on my neck as he moved closer from behind.

His eyes were locked into mine and I had lost myself in them.

I could feel my heartbeat get entwined with his.

As we made love, I wondered if he was still thinking about her.

I shut my eyes and shed a single drop of tear, he perceived it as an expression of pleasure.

He finished, a job well done apparently.

He was satisfied.

I had satisfied him.

But then again, did I or did she?

Contrary To Popular Belief

• I don't get tattooed just to stand out/get noticed. To me, tattoos are a form of personal expression. Which is why all my tattoos are located in areas that not all can see at all times. The whole concept of getting tattooed at random to prove something to others is so passe...
• I'm not dating my boyfriend because he's a "rockstar" and he's not dating me for the sex either. People talk about us all the time. But you know what, let them, shows how important we are to them!
• But then again, a bloated self-image is the worst thing that a person can have. Take for example, ex boyfriends and girlfriends. They actually think that they matter and have made an impact on your lives...yeah right!
• No wait, I DID learn something from my recent ex...I'd rather use a dildo than be with someone like IT (not him, but it , yes) the next day.
• I STILL believe that at the end good does prevail over evil. I mean take college admissions for example, the good people DID make it to good colleges and the bitches had to settle for what they actually deserved-leftovers and B-grade institutions.

I'll add to this later, godpromiss, I feel like a bum at the moment...ZzzZZzzzz

Musings On A Sleepless Night After A Gig At Someplace Else, Kolkata. There, this is the largest title EVER in my blog!

What is life, but self-discovery?

After having spent almost nineteen years in this world, I feel like I've accomplished a lot more than I ever thought I could. The biggest being the ability to be at peace with myself.

Within me lies evil.

Within me lies good.

I am the author of my own destiny.

I am the perpetrator of my own universe.

"I am birth-less and I am deathless,

I am the Supreme Lord of all being,

Born I am through my Maya,

With all laws of nature defying..."

-The Bhagavat Gita

Life is good.

Life is great.

Life is just about perfect.

Life may be good.

Life may be great.

Life may be just about perfect.

The real comfort will always be in knowing who you are, not who you want to be.

This Week. The Weak That Was.

• The Dandy Warhols: 'We Used To Be Friends'
• The Catcher In The Rye. Again.
• Curses and blessings and other blah.
• JOO!!!! (Jadavpur University, Kolkata, finally!)
• New friends. Old enemies. The yin and the yang.
• The rain and it's predictable unpredictability.
• Marijuana trippin', unsmoked.
• Cheap college clothes shopping, a la footpaths and make-shift stalls.
• Meditating to keep annoying ex-girlfriend of boyfriend away..:P
• Anticipation of the week/weak that is to come

:)

The Selfless and the Selfish

They pretend to be your best friend.

Your greatest ally.

You give them all you have.

But ask them for help and they turn their back on you.

Bastards of the highest order.

Death Of A Star

The madness that has replaced the twinkle in your eye.

The beads of sweat on your brow.

How will you get past your obstacles?

Who will shelter you now?

The shadow of loneliness that follows you around.

Will haunt you forever it seems.

Your days of glory are a thing of the past.

They've disintegrated with your dreams.

You tried your best, you tried real hard.

Yet to failed to pass the test.

You succumbed to mediocrity

You became just like the rest.

But just for tonight you shine the brightest.

They watch in awe, from near and far.

Tonight is your night.

Tonight, you're the star.

New World Virtues and Disorders

I took 7 admission tests, appeared for 2 interviews over a span of two weeks and got through all subjects in my preferred list of colleges EXCEPT for the one that I wanted the most. Would it be correct to label it a matter of fate then?

But I'm happy nevertheless, I like to take up things like these as a challenge. I'm all set to study history (yes, that's right, I picked history over english, no need to faint now!) for the next three years at possibly the best college/university in Kolkata...*sigh*

It's funny how my life's taken a whole new direction in this past one year. I was a member of that exclusive club which has it's eyes on the bigger prize-going abroad for higher education, for no college in the city seems good enough.

Look at me now, I feel heartbreakingly homesick even if I'm away from the city for two weeks! I guess the lesson that I've learnt this time is to NOT plan ahead too much and just go with the flow. The more plans that you make, the higher the chances of them not materializing and the more disillusioned you will be!

It's July now, I will officially complete a year with my band in August (who stuck with me all throughout, despite all my inconsistencies and my flaws) and a year of playing regularly at That Other Place (I want no controversies!)

I can safely say that wherever I am today, it's because I'm pursuing this for the love of music and nothing else. I need to be reminded this at times, but then again, life has funny ways of making you realize things that you otherwise wouldn't.

As of now, JU, here I come!!

No N Sen se

Pinnacles of hope.

Yeah, shoot the pope.

what's his use anyway?

Candied suicide on a stick.

Glorified sex and an ice-pick.

Hush child, they'll hear what you say.

Pull The Trigger, Jack.

The hole in your conscience.

The dirt under your fingernails.

The goosebumps on your skin.

Your ragged, unkempt hair.

The rip in your shirt.

The blood dripping from the sockets of your eyes.

Your wagging tongue.

Your stale breath.

Your glorified past.

Monster, come to me.

Let me purify you.

Tonight.

A Little Piece Of Advice For The Naive.

Remember when you were happy and gay?

and each day

Was as careless as the falling rain?

Remember when you used to play with your dolls?

Before your rise

and your petty falls?

What happened to you,

why did you have to go on and become so ugly?

What happened to you,

why did you have to become such a transvestite?

Eating him once didn't quite

satiate your appetite?

Remember how you fought with all your pain

and flushed daddy's money down the drain?

Like it was your birthright.

Remember how he said he loved you?

Even though he lied

You thought it was true?

What's happened to you,

why are you so needy?

What's happened to you,

why are you so shallow?

Forever biting into more

than you can ever swallow.

People never change.

They're always the same.

He's fucking you today.

Tomorrow, he'll forget your name.

Vana: Where Thou Art.

That stench.

That bloody stench.

Of rotten flesh

And rotten dreams.

You're trying to feed on someone else again,

You parasite.

Your blue blood is blue no more.

Your blue blood is blue no more.

Sinner.

Hypocrite.

It never was blue in the first place.

I will cut you open.

I will devour you alive.

I will scratch wounds so deep into your skin that they'll never fade.

I will stalk your every thought.

But don't be afraid.

Come to me now,

make haste.

Come to me,

like a child crawling back into his mother's womb.

The Flower Maiden

Take off your makeup.

And your little pink frock.

Take off your mask of pretense.

Take off those thoughts

And your sunglasses.

Look into the mirror.

Look at your reflection

What do you see,

Who you really are.

Or only pretend to be?

Heartbreaks Come All At Once.

You're in your haze.

You see me.

You put your arms around me.

Take me with you.

You take our clothes off.

You kiss me.

You make love to me.

You finish.

I'm crying, again.

I'm dying, again.

Look what you've done.

You're just like them.

You're just like everyone.

"Abala Nari"

As much as I love this city, there are certain places which I wish I had never visited and there are certain people living in it who I wish I had never met. Killjoys, bloody killjoys I tell you.

Every time I see them, I secretly laugh at the charade that they put on. They laugh and they make merry today, but mark my words, destiny can be cruel to those who are cruel to others. They will get it back one day. Destiny will erase that smile off their faces one day. Who will pick them up then, their fair weather friends?

I know I sound like a cynic, but I'm not one. I have SEEN bad things happening to those who deserve it. People always get what they deserve no matter what. My friends are often annoyed with how nonchalant I am about my ex-boyfriend, despite all the trauma that he caused. But I'm not a psychopathic ex-girlfriend out to seek "revenge" on him. Despite all the lies. Despite all the deceit and despite all the hurt and the pain, I feel nothing for him. He chose to be unnecessarily evil with me, I don't need to do anything about it, he will eventually get it all back. Let time carry out it's work.

So dear all, you may think that you can fool everybody and get away with it every time, but you're largely mistaken. You WILL get it all back eventually. So if you're not scared already, then you should be. The wrath of a wronged woman is far greater a force than even the strongest tempest in the world.

Stereotypes and Typos

At a time when the possibilities of making it into a grade-A college seems next to impossible, one either tends to break down or ignore the problem like it's not happening. I'm doing neither.

If I don't make the cut, I wont. No point in worrying over things that I can't change. These are stories whose endings I cannot rewrite, I do not have the power to do so.

But it's disheartening to see how science and commerce rejects get through to courses designed for students who have an inclination towards the arts subjects, whereas those who spend two years studying the same in school are the ones who're left out in the cold because of the fact that they do not score as much as the "commerce" and "science" students.

I know I don't have the right to complain, but I can't help but feel bad about how fucked up the educational system in India really is.

We call ourselves "modern" and we claim that we've attained international standards, but then, why are such medieval biases still prevalent in the country?

I don't know what the future has in store for me, but right now, I know for a fact that I can't let this muck bring me down.

UK achhe toh!

Not My Time, Not My Kind

That's what I keep telling myself to get over minor failures from time to time. It makes the disappointment go away somehow.

It clears my head of those nasty thoughts.

Stuff that would make you shiver.

Thoughts that would make me a potential threat to you.

But I'm not.

I'm as passive as passive can be.

Don't hate me so much, it could kill you one day.

Life's always about drama-unbelievable highs and nauseating lows. It's the part in between that really bothers me.

I can't stand mediocrity.

It's probably my worst nightmare.

But nightmares aren't real!

:)

Virgin Mary Sluts

I DESPISE the virgin Mary type sluts that I see around me. If there's one thing that I can't stand, it's pretense, like I've mentioned before. I don't get it, everybody has carnal needs and desires, everybody does it. So why the holier-than-thou bullshit?

You may fool everybody.

You may think everybody is nasty.

But at the end of the day, you know you're no different from the ones you look down upon.

They're a notch better in fact, they don't pretend to be someone they're not.

I know for a fact that just because I'm open about my sexuality, people have the time and the energy to degrade me, but you know what, I've crossed the stage of caring, I'm not a nun. I have a nice and healthy sex life, if anybody has a problem with that then. "Quite frankly my dear, I give a damn.."

Bleh..:/

• If you're a vocalist, a throat infection is probably the worst thing that could happen to you. Damn you French weather. The infection is pretty darn serious now, let's just hope for the best (read earlier the recovery, the better for me, professionally!)
• Songwriting is a piece of cake. Yeah right! *chuckles in disapproval*
• The heat is taking a toll on me. The fan is not enough. The air conditioner is not enough. I feel like shaving my head and immersing myself in a pool of ice.
• I am broke. I hate it. :X
• I miss eating NK's chowmein during class!
• But I STILL don't miss school!
• My love-life is TOO overwhelming at the moment. Like I said, I can't think of anything but him...sheesh!
• *insert wise-ass comment here*

I'm going to go back to bed now, the fever is back...:(

My obsession with my love for him is taking quite a toll on me. I can't think of anything beyond him. It's sheer madness I tell you.

I shall be back to the blogosphere once I recover.

Hopefully sometime soon.

Peace.

Sappy Post Chronicle #4

There are times when I wonder if I'm hallucinating because this is too good to be true.

This.

Us.

They say that perfection is a thing of fantasies. But what is this then? Nothing short of perfect I would say.

*touches wood*

Getting wet in the rain.

Cooking ourselves a meal.

Living together this way.

Holding your hand as we walk on the road.

Simple things make me happy.

This is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Not just mine.

Yours as well.

I love you.

I don't think I have fallen in love with someone this deeply so far in life.

I don't think I ever will.

For all the things that make you who you are and for all the things that make me go weak in the knees,

Thank you.

:)

Turmoil

Turning round.

Feeling blue.

Is it me

You want to screw?

Messing up

Messing my head.

Picking up

Of what's left.

Don't look at me today.

I'll be gone tomorrow.

You can't hold me back.

Your counter-attack

Doesn't work anymore.

The more I'm with you, the more I want to be with you.

You're just too much for me.

Can you see,

just how much I'm in love with you?

Sex-hay

Love you say it is.

But is it?

Why are they always a priority then,

And not me?

Love you say it is.

But are you sure,

this time?

I'm tired of being the one who always finishes second.

I'm tired of being the one who's always last on the priority list.

I'm tired of being the "revenge".

I'm tired of being the new game.

I'm tired of the "fill-in"

But is this something that I'm destined to be?

To think of it,

it's my call

Really.

It's me v/s them.

They'll always win.

He's been around much longer.

She's been around much longer.

They've been around much longer.

That's okay.

I'm used to being treated like a second class citizen.

A slave.

Your slave.

Maybe it's meant to be.

It's probably my destiny.

To deserve nothing.

It's all good.

I'll take it in my stride.

After all, I'm just a joker.

Only a part-time goddess.

For you.

Crying these incessant tears.

But you're probably too stuck up to even notice.

That's okay.

It's all good.

Tomorrow I'll probably find another you.

But till then, I'll just have to get used to your ways.

Hawww-ness, Awww-ness and Ex-Girlfriends.

{I think I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of having to deal with ex-girlfriends (both mine and the people I date) who are overtly hung up on their previous relationship.}

This one's for you sweet heart:

I really don't get the point. If you're the one who decided to call it quits the first time, then why are you so keen to go back to the way things were, that too the minute someone new steps in?

Girl, you've had your chance. You took him for a ride. You played your cards well. You manipulated him till nothing was left for him to give you. Just because he's starting to be a somebody now, you're trying to crawl back into his life again.

Why?

You say he's forgotten things.

He hasn't.

You have.

You've forgotten how you cheated.

How you lied.

Made him want to kill himself.

You never even loved him, it was all for the kicks, wasn't it?

So why this drama?

Why this charade?

Everybody can see through the lies you know. People aren't as stupid as you think them to be.

Anyway, I'm just being a good Samaritan. You have all the right to abuse me. You have all the right to talk about me as if I'm the vamp who's "stolen" him from you.

That's okay.

All that wont really change the way I feel about him or he feels about me.

Two words for you babe:

MOVE ON!

:)

~Bleh~

Moderation clearly does not exist in me.

It's something that I lack.

So you there, yeah you,

what's your plan of attack?

Hit me.

Hurt me.

Love me.

Fuck me.

I'm never going to be yours.

It's not a thought.

It's a fact.

No ifs, no buts

No ors.

Stranded

Halfway across the world,

In a foreign land.

Nobody to dry my tears

Nobody to hold my hand.

A sea of new faces.

A place where the sun doesn't shine.

A land where I'm just a stranger.

A land where nothing is mine.

The cold and lonely nights.

The dark afternoon rain.

I'm sinking in a sea of sorrow.

I'm drowning in my pain.

This glitz is just for the eyes.

My heart still is sore.

I can't fake my sanity like this.

I can't live like this anymore.

I don't want to be so stranded.

I want to go back home.

Where your warm embrace awaits me.

Where I'm not alone.

Here and There

When the going gets tough, you break down and cry. Or so I have learnt.

I miss you, I really do.

I want to go back home, hold you and never let go of you ever again.

You know how much I love you, don't you?

I Bruise Easily, Don't You?

Despite all the years of therapy/self-realization/blah, the fact remains that I am pretty messed up. The thoughts in my head are not funny at all. You'd be shocked (read surprised, in case you're a sadist) to see how easily I bruise, despite my seemingly tough exterior. I may try to convince myself that I've been through the worst of times and so nothing could hurt me, but I prove myself wrong every single time. It still hurts like a bitch.

Things are hurting me more than they would earlier, as I grow older. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Where is my invincibility?

Getting raped is no big deal.

But maybe it is.

It's not the physical bit that scars you for life. As you grow older, you tend to overlook that. It's the breach of trust, it's the fact that you've been forced to surrender to someone who is "superior" to you, it's the flashback of memories which come to you in bits and pieces as you close your eyes that break you down.

It happened again today.

Realization happened today too.

The memories only come back to me when I am hurt. The try to put themselves into place like pieces in a puzzle. I can't shut my eyes. The fragments won't go away. It's scary. It's my worst nightmare. I can't make it stop. I can't make the feelings go away. It's as though he's raping me all over again as I close my eyes.

I am messed up.

But then again, if you went through the shit that I have gone through, I wouldn't expect you to be normal either.

You own the key.

To set me free.

From the little locked cage.

Harami

Shut your eyes,

do you see me?

Gag yourself.

Set me free.

You'll never know how I feel.

You'll never know what's in my head.

Because I don't kiss and tell.

Because I know I do it well...

To Whom It May Concern

Dear All,

1. Please don't make random assumptions about me. Just because I'm skinny doesn't mean that I'm anorexic. Just because I'm trying to make it as a musician doesn't mean that I do drugs. Just because I have had a promiscuous phase in the past doesn't mean that I'm always going to be like that. You get the point, right?
2. Just because I am bisexual doesn't mean that I am a nymphomaniac. I am NOT attracted to every boy/girl I meet. I am in a committed relationship and I will NOT make out with you like the good old days. I believe in fidelity. Love scores over lust for me, every single time.
3. I will NOT forgive a cheater, never. I may act normal to make you feel at ease, but deep down inside, I will never get over it.
4. I believe in chivalry. Yes, it's the little things that matter the most. You don't have to drop me home at all times, but a text message asking me if I've gotten back home safe and sound or not really makes my heart melt.
5. If you don't love me, then don't say it.
6. If you love me, then I'll be looking right into your eyes to see if you mean it or not. If you fail the test, I won't say anything about it to you, but I'll never believe you again, even if you mean it the next time.
7. I'm not interested in your looks/money/fame/popularity/charm/blah. I have plenty of those things already. So don't assume things. You're the one who'll look stupid, not me.
8. I will never go back on my words. I don't say things that I don't mean. Try and make me!
9. If you call me a slut/bitch/psychopath, then you're judging me. It makes you one too.
10. Don't copy me. It annoys the crap out of me. You are unique, introspect and find your inner diva/god, i'm sure it's there somewhere.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

A Job Well Done.

She lit her pot.

Alone.

She liked smoking the greenery on her own.

Besides, who could keep her company?

She was too perverted, too eccentric and too intimidating to enjoy company.

On a trip.

Her head felt light.

Psychedelia.

The stuff that orange elephants and pretty pink umbrellas are made of.

He came to her.

As always.

He was right on time.

As always.

He took off her clothing piece by piece.

And then his own,

devouring her with his eyes.

It was a job well done.

She thought hours later.

As they lay naked and in each others' arms.

This could be heaven, she thought.

This could be a very good trip, thought he.

The finishing act.

He embraced her.

She lost control when she was in his arms.

He took out his knife.

Stabbed her.

Repeatedly.

Till no more blood remained in her body.

Blood on his clothes.

Blood on the floor.

Blood here.

Blood there.

Blood, bloody everywhere.

Murder she wrote.

Murder it was.

The Enchantress and The Ex.

I looked straight into her eyes.

I was not the one to mince my words.

Back off, bitch.

She did.

She ran into the bushes.

The war was over, or was it?

No, she came back with a gun.

She shot through his heart.

He bled.

He bled.

He bled.

But he bled for me.

She was not going to give up this easily.

She tried kissing him back to life.

It didn't work.

She spread her legs as far apart as she could.

It didn't work either.

He was not like any other ordinary man.

He wasn't an infidel.

He wasn't a heretic.

I was his goddess.

She danced her dance of death.

She cried her sea of tears.

She uttered sweet nothings into his ears.

She pleasured him.

That sadist.

But he just didn't fall for it.

When the deed's been done,

When the storm has passed,

When the pieces have settled,

She will return.

She will come back to haunt him.

But I won't let her this time.

I am the lioness.

She's just the arrogant lamb.

I can cut her into pieces.

I can rip her apart.

But I won't.

I don't need to.

She doesn't exist in our world.

Fidelity is not a lost virtue.

It still exists,very much exists.

You're a mess.

You're a mess.

You're a mess.

Looks like you've won.

Jeremy, put your pants back on.

Sappy Post Chronicle #3 :The 'L' Word.

He's like a child, I can see the madness in his eyes. He says he's in love with me, I believe him. What is love, but madness?

We're two mad children-oblivious to all else, as long as we have each other. He's all I need and I'm all he needs. It's as simple as that. Love is as simple as that. It doesn't have to be all that complicated. If you're forever having to make compromises and if you're forever crying yourself to sleep. Chances are, you're not in love. Even if you are, love like that is comparable to a temporary phase. It comes just as quickly as it goes.

It's not adrenaline. It's love. It's euphoria. It's ecstasy.

I am starting to surprise myself with my own maturity. I don't need to use someone or something as my crutch anymore. I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet and call the shots. I feel like a flower that's blossoming. This happiness is contagious. But the best part is that I need nothing more.

I don't doubt if his feelings for me are genuine or not, his smile gives it away. Every time he holds me, I feel safe and I feel complete. There's so much more to my life now. It's all because of him. They all came and went. Some wanted me to fulfill their carnal desires, some wanted me for they thought of me as their achievement, some wanted me to shut out other people who were previously in their life and some wanted me, well, just for the merriment.

But that's okay.

You're never going to find your prince unless you kiss a few frogs in the process.

He's well aware of my tragedy-laden/colourful past and he accepts me for who I am. Heck, he'd do anything to be with me, even if that means giving up the other most precious thing in his life and I would gladly do the same.

Are we "meant to be" then?

That only time will tell, but for now, the thought of seeing his face in a few hours gets my heart to start beating faster. If this isn't love, well, what is?

Love Paradox

Blood on your face.

Blood in your hands.

You killed me.

You killed me well.

But left the carcass lying around.

They hovered over me like vultures.

As you stood there smoking your cigarette.

You didn't save me from them.

You didn't do what you said you would.

But now I'm dripping poison.

Poison in my veins.

Poison on my tongue.

Oh my, look what you've done!

Note To Self:

If you're going to start wearing his clothes, people WILL know. Dumbass!

Sappy Post Chronicle #2

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

My body aching in bits and pieces.

The coffee is cold.

The neighbours are screaming their lungs out.

I miss my bus.

I'm late for work.

I do my hair meticulously just to have it disheveled by the rain.

My shoes are mismatched.

There's a rip in my shirt.

Smudged kohl.

Tired eyes.

I'm lost in a sea of faces.

I'm all alone.

I'm about to give up.

But then I see you,

shining like the light of a thousand million suns.

I'm in love.

And the world's not such a bad place after all.

You turn it around.

Life's good again...

Sappy Post Chronicle #1

They all know our secret.

Doesn't matter.

It changes nothing.

It changes not a thing.

I still love you.

If not more.

It was always you.

You were the one.

The man behind my smile.

The man I'd been dreaming of.

One kiss.

One evening.

And everything fell into place.

"Tera Hi Karam"

I couldn't love you more.

I couldn't love you less.

Your love is like a shadow.

It follows me wherever I go, even when you're not around.

Your love is like the due that life owed me for the nightmares that I've been through.

Your love keeps me safe.

Your love keeps me going.

Your love has given me life.

You have given me this strange, new life.

I know what love is now.

You've taught me

and you've taught me well.

I feel free,

from the shackles of my past.

The sins of my past.

The punishments of my sins.

I'm a free soul.

You've set me free.

Yes, you're the one.

I have waited for you for all these years.

You're my Prince Charming.

You're the only thing that matters now.

If I die today, I'll die a happy person.

I've found all that I've been looking for.

I've found my salvation.

You're my salvation.

I am who I am and it's all because of you.

Your love has brought me where I am today.

But you know what, all this doesn't matter.

I may not deserve someone like you.

So I'll always stand somewhere around the corner,

hidden, well hidden from you.

Loving you till my last breath.

And never forgetting this song-that we both listened to together on a random afternoon as time passed us by.

-Falling deeper in love.

-Being drawn into your arms as if by magic.

There, I'm starting to get carried away by thoughts of you again.

I can't help it.

I just love you too much...

Cheap Slut

The lies are coming out of the can.

Like worms.

Like worms that bred on your deeds.

Deeds of sin.

Sin of seeds.

Seeds of adultery.

The seeds of pretense.

You planted them.

You watered them.

But you forgot to protect them from the storm.

I can see through you.

I can see what lies beneath the glass surface of those eyes.

A void.

Yeah that's right, a big damn void.

They all know what a big faker you are.

They think you're fake.

They're right.

You thought of me as a prostitute,

but the joke's on you now.

What are you going to do?

Just when I started to enjoy the depression, the mania kicked in. I think I'm starting to prefer the former over the latter. Mania does nothing to my already depleting creativity. I can't write. I can't think. Heck, I can't even breathe at times. It's like comparing marijuana and alcohol. The greenery not only gives you a better trip, but it also opens up new avenues that you never even knew existed in your head. Alcohol is for the masses, not for the classes. It just makes you clumsy.

I want my greenery.

I want my mojo back.

:(

The thing is, we all survive.

No matter what.

Sooner or later, we DO learn to look past the past and get on with life.

But the problem is, if the ride's so smooth, then you're probably going downhill.

WhatteLife!

TODAY'S MENU:

Workshop by Victor Wooten

Phuchka

Prasanna and Victor Wooten live

Lyadh (sorry, I cannot translate this word in english, but in Bengali it roughly means sloth(?) )

Night gig at Someplace Else (Guitar Godman, Black Ninja, UnBanned Boy and I go 4 piece for tonight)

:)

This is the life, clearly....

Culinary Delights

You know what's funny?

The way you look at me.

Like I'm your dessert.

Will I be enough, or should I fetch the whipped cream and the cherries

And brace myself for something fancy?

Eat me.

Bite me.

Chew into my skin.

Suck on me till I'm dry.

Taste me in your mouth.

Oh crap.

You can't. Anymore. I'm gone.

I'mHopingThatYouWon'tReadThis, ButYOUWill!

There, what a brilliant way to get someone's attention, ain't it?

(In random order, strictly)

1. I've been duped once about what, 6 months ago? I won't fall for it again, try as they may. If there's one thing that I'm good at, then it's getting over minor hiccups. They're a part of life and I know that I can't escape them, they'll keep showing up from time to time. I fell pretty hard, bruised my knee and lost a lot of blood, but that's okay, my wounds have been bandaged, by others, for a change. I've found a crutch. I'd live through it, I had proclaimed earlier that I would. I did.
2. I would like to thank my intuition and my intuition alone for this. I may have taken a chance, but that's okay, there's nothing that I regret. Like I've said before, when life gives you a lot of shit, it also provides means and ways to clean it up and make things spic and span again. I've noticed that the ones wallowing in self-pity are usually the ones who've led a relatively smooth life and have NO idea how bad life can be. I've been there and done that, I don't find the need to wallow in self-pity. I'm a strong person. I had forgotten about that for a while, but I'm back on track now.
3. The world talks. A lot. I mean really, EVERY person has something harsh and overtly critical to say. With every step that I move forward, ten people are waiting in the bushes with their hearts filled with malice and other demons, to pounce on me with cheap gossip that provides entertainment to others. I don't care really, who's the one wasting time?
4. Sex addicts/those who are obviously deprived sexually will never change their views about women. It's useless to get them to think differently. However, everybody isn't like that. Nice people inhabit the earth too and boy, am I glad to have met some of them!
5. No matter what he says, I know. I'm not stupid. Just because I abuse my intellect time and again and refrain from exhibiting it all the time, does NOT mean that I don't know/I am not aware. Underestimating someone is a cardinal sin, almost!

;)

Queen Of Pain

When nobody gave a second glance,

You held my hand tight.

I tried to run away.

But you held me with all your might.

When I was blinded by my tears,

You became my eyes.

You helped me move on

From the deceit and the lies.

When my soul was left shattered

And they all turned away.

Just to see me smile,

You tried day after day.

Weary and broken,

I had not the slightest will to live.

You showered me with love

And gave me all that was there to give.

My shelter from the storm.

My umbrella in the rain.

For you I've had to forfeit my crown

As the queen of pain.

Oh god, I'm getting tired of random people hitting on me ever since they got to see that my relationship status had changed to 'single', on Facebook. I mean being hit on all the time is a good thing, it gives a boost to one's morale. But when you know that they only want to fuck you, it becomes annoying. In fact annoying isn't quite the word, nauseating is.

I wish I could tell the world what am I really going through.

I wish I could ask them all to back-off.

I'm so happy right now that it's not funny, I'm like a 5 year old kid high on sugar products. I'm full of hope, inner-peace, positivity and joy. Only I know why...I wish I could tell them too...But I'll keep shut this time...

This Is Why

I'm experiencing a mad mad mad rush of adrenaline. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. I'm as distracted as a 5 year old dyslexic boy and I can't stop thinking about that one person and that one person only.

It's crazy.

I'm going crazy.

I'm going ABSOLUTELY stark raving mad crazy.

But I love this feeling.

It's perfect.

I'd never want it to go away.

Taurean

It's him.

He's the one.

This run and hide, this hide and seek is getting me high.

I'm an addict.

Addicted to him.

His eyes don't lie.

His embrace is not selfish.

I want him.

But more than that, I need him.

My angel of salvation.

My mirror to myself.

Empty minds.

Naked noise.

Pretty girls.

Horny boys.

Take your eyes off of me.

You don't deserve me.

Anymore.

I am. I am. I am. I am the whore.

Because I'm Too Lazy To Organize My Thoughts...

1. I'm a lazy person. Correction, I'm a VERY lazy person. The words order and discipline do not exist in my dictionary.
2. Grammar and spelling abuse irritate the crap out of me. No it's NOT cool to spell the word as "kool", "cul", "kewl" or the likes. Also, anywayS is not a word, anyway is. The same goes for "tuition teacher", your teacher cannot teach you tuition, thus making him/her your TUTOR. Ugghh!!
3. But that goes for my mother tongue as well. I dislike people who think they're being smart by not being able to read or write their mother tongue. It's stupid and it shows what an ass you are. I'm quite ashamed of not having a very huge vocabulary and contrary to popular belief, I enjoy reading Bankimchandra as much as I enjoy reading Kafka.
4. You may call me a geek or a snob based on the two points above, but that's okay I'd never change this about myself. I love to learn and explore and read. If THAT makes me an "anteal" (Bengali word for pseudo-intellectual) then that's not really my problem, the problem is yours-the one labeling me.
5. I love the monsoons so much that it's not funny. Yesterday, the city experienced the first shower and it was mesmerizing to say the least. I let the raindrops catch me and cast their spell on me, I can still feel the drops soaking into my skin. The rain makes me fall in love over and over again.
6. Yes, I am a die-hard romantic. Not the chocolate and flowers kind, but a romantic and a sensual person on the whole. Romance mind you, is a state of mind, don't confuse it with mush and infatuation. Sensuality is NOT sexuality. Anything can be sensual, sensuality is passion, it can burn for anything...
7. I give a 100% to things usually, or I don't do them at all. I don't like half-baked goods. Be it in a relationship or an activity. If I don't feel others reciprocate, I turn the other way and start a new journey. I'm like that. I can't hang on to something when there's no hope. I guess my last relationship tanked primarily because of this reason.
8. Once I'm gone, it's very hard, if not impossible, to bring me back. I have moulded myself to get over tragedies very quickly, you may call it my defense mechanism, but that's the way I am. Like I've said before, hit me once and I shall heal, but hit me again and I shall go away and never come back.
9. I have a bad habit of remembering things, even when I don't want to. Especially events and random images, unless I'm drunk and passed out This leads me to a lot of heartache at times. I'm learning to live with it. Everybody is flawed. I'm no exception.
10. I don't care about looks or physical attributes, but I'm a sucker for good hair. I love my hair *touches wood* and I have a fixed salon where I get it done from. Though it's really far away from where I stay and it costs me a bomb, but it does not matter. I can't go elsewhere. If the fire at Park Street would have got to it too, I would have died. I'm serious man!!
11. I'm NOT a "cool" or "fun-loving" person/ I'm a bum and I'll always be a bum which is why I always make friends with fellow bums. Heh. I love them for who they are.
12. I would like to believe that I am a friendly and a highly tolerant person. Many people tell me that I look like a snob, but I can't help it, I'm hardly a snob. I like almost all kinds of people. But posers make me want to put a bullet through my head.i have to tolerate a few of them but I do NOT like them. If you know me personally then you know who all I'm talking about! ;)
13. (I'll end it here) I like to blame my procrastination and laziness on the weather. It's the weather in Kolkata I tell you, makes me want to stay in bed the whole day and not move a muscle. It's the weather, I swear!

Learn and Teach

Teach me how to keep you happy.

I'll learn.

I'll keep you happy.

I can see it in your eyes.

I can see myself in your eyes.

You know how I feel.

You know how I feel.

You know how I feel.

The yin and the yang.

Be the yin and I'll be the yang.

Teach me and I'll learn.

But keep it a secret.

Our secret.

The world doesn't need to know.

Not All Endings Are Happy

Yesterday's gig with !Banned I can safely say was a disaster. Apart from the obnoxious acoustics, the energy just wasn't right and I learnt that if there are problems brewing in the band, they surface on shows as well, you can't hide them under the carpet.

Maybe it wasn't that bad a show and I am being overtly critical but it's frustrating. A bad gig is as frustrating as studying day in and day out only to screw up in your examinations, if not worse. Music is something that comes from within and so it's very very frustrating when things don't go right.

Also, I was laughing at how people have just assumed that Pseudonym is breaking up just because Black Ninja is quitting and Drummer Kaku got shipped of to Bombay. The show must go on my friend, a new drummer, a new bass player, new songs maybe...the point here being that it's not over, it's far from being over infact.

This blog is starting to frustrate me, I started writing because I needed an outlet. not to be politically correct at all times. I hate having to censor myself. I hate how I have to think and re-think about what I choose to put here instead of just going with the flow.

I guess these are the drawbacks of my new-found "popularity", which by the way is no longer my worst nightmare now.

I was always under the impression that I'd get swayed by the nice things that people tell me, but I was wrong, my biggest enemy is inconsistency and laziness. I am partially back to gigging and I can just feel not being able to perform to my fullest potential. It's VERY VERY frustrating, even MORE frustrating than a bad gig! I need to practise....a lot! *sigh*

The Day The City Died.

The fire at the Stephen Court in Park Street, Kolkata on Tuesday reinforced the fears of the fragility and instability of life in me all over again. We may feel invincible, but we're not. We're so weak when put to test against nature's wrath and destiny.

The chef at the Bridge was giving us a first hand account of the experience during our post-gig dinner at Somep last night and it gave me goosebumps to say the least.

Dude, it's friggin PARK STREET! I LOVE Park Street! It's almost like my third home, my favourite fine dining restaurant, my favourite eating joint, my favourite salon, my favourite bar, my favourite place to shop, my favourite bookstore and even my "workplace"-it's all in Park Street... a part of me died reading about the fire in the newspaper and even worse watching the news on television.

My heart goes out to all those who've lost someone, my heart goes out to all the victims and for those who fell victim to the diaster, may their souls rest in peace.

Amen.

AND yes, I hope that the incompetent, the corrupt and the sloth-filled firemen/police go to hell for not trying hard enough. I'm sure not all were least bothered but you have to admit, a lot of them weren't. I hope they die a painful death and suffer a similar fate. Dude, if you don't have it in you to be a hero and save someone else instead of worrying about your own safety then do the public a favour and DON'T join such forces, take up a 9 to 5 job instead. Bloody bastards.

End Day/ Day's End

Being broken up has reignited the flame that burned in me at one point of time, the flame that made me, well, Suyasha.

A lot pf people have a lot of opinions it seems, but it's only during a bad phase that you know who your friends are. I KNOW who my friends are. There were some who I thought would be there to keep me company but I was mistaken, they were only around for the sake of it, that's okay, I give a shit to them anyway.

BUT there are those who've exceeded my expectations and how. Some have just made me want to cry in gratitude. Like for instance, last night during the gig, Rockstar boy dropped in just to give me a hug and ask me if I was doing okay, before reassuring me that everything would be fine. Sometimes that ALL you need, just a hug and some reassurance. Yes, my life may lack a lot of things now, but I'm good. It's all good, there's so much more to look forward to in life as well.

It's a little annoying however, how I can't really express myself the way I want to here because of professional reasons and the fact that too many unwanted people read this, I'm trying to get used to the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too at all times. It's alright. It's all good.

And another thing that I will NOT do here is bitch about my now ex-boyfriend. He may be flawed, but I'm flawed too, nobody's perfect and everybody has their shortcomings. I cannot resort to cheap publicity by bringing him down, I don't need that and I'm not that kind of a person. I would not like to comment on "leeches" as well, every social circle consists of them and talking about them would only give them importance. SO if you're expecting stuff to gossip about, then you're mistaken my friend.

The Pseudo gig last night was the last gig with the current lineup and I feel a little heartbroken somehow. Drummer Kaku is off to Bombay for a month and by the time he's back, Black Ninja won't be here anymore. I'll miss drummer kaku but he will be back eventually, so I can seek consolation in that, but Black Ninja quitting is just too much. I mean I love music and playing with your best friend is one of the best thing's that I could hope for, too bad it'll come to an end, but then again, everything happens for a reason. I WANT him to grow as a musician and make me proud. I want his priority to be music, always. Pseudo may have brought us together but it's not like we'll stop being so close once he leaves!

So like I just mentioned, everything happens for a reason, generally for the better. Whatever is happening in my life right now is because of a reason. I just need to hold on to it right now and wait and watch patiently what lies in store for me in the future!