I Bruise Easily, Don't You?

Despite all the years of therapy/self-realization/blah, the fact remains that I am pretty messed up. The thoughts in my head are not funny at all. You'd be shocked (read surprised, in case you're a sadist) to see how easily I bruise, despite my seemingly tough exterior. I may try to convince myself that I've been through the worst of times and so nothing could hurt me, but I prove myself wrong every single time. It still hurts like a bitch.

Things are hurting me more than they would earlier, as I grow older. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Where is my invincibility?

Getting raped is no big deal.

But maybe it is.

It's not the physical bit that scars you for life. As you grow older, you tend to overlook that. It's the breach of trust, it's the fact that you've been forced to surrender to someone who is "superior" to you, it's the flashback of memories which come to you in bits and pieces as you close your eyes that break you down.

It happened again today.

Realization happened today too.

The memories only come back to me when I am hurt. The try to put themselves into place like pieces in a puzzle. I can't shut my eyes. The fragments won't go away. It's scary. It's my worst nightmare. I can't make it stop. I can't make the feelings go away. It's as though he's raping me all over again as I close my eyes.

I am messed up.

But then again, if you went through the shit that I have gone through, I wouldn't expect you to be normal either.