Live and Learn

There are few things more heartbreaking than a sick, possibly dying pet. I have grown up around and with a dog and a whole bunch of cats. So I don't know what life is like without having them around. My dog died when I was quite young. She was old and sick and it seemed like a good thing at that time-to watch her go. She would accompany my grandfather as he picked me up from the bus-stop and everybody would go gaga over her from the school bus. I have been told that when I was younger, she would sit beside my cot and keep an eye on me. She'd growl and bark every time relatives or acquaintances would come near it.
Dogs make the best pets, they say. It is quite true. Cats can never be your pet. They become the eccentric family member, the non-conformist, never your pet.

Shoshi was found when he was barely a month old. He was the cutest, jumpiest little thing. I brought him home in a shoebox and fed him some milk and a little fish because I was unsure how old he was. On his first night at home, I was absolutely petrified like the mother of a newborn baby. I made a bed right next to me and put him there to sleep. I kept the lights on and woke up in the middle of the night to see that he was missing. It turned out that the fucker, barely a month old, had climbed down my bed and was frolicking around under it because he could not sleep!

To see him reduced to a bag of skin and bones, barely breathing breaks my heart into a million little pieces and I can only stand beside him as doctors and their assistants try and do their best to revive him.

It'll be a miracle if he survives. I'll have to hold my breath for the next couple of days. Let's see what fate has in store for him. He's too young to suffer. Please don't make him suffer, universe. That's all I'm asking for at the moment.

Observations, part deux (?)

• Life feels liberating without a phone, social media accounts etc etc. I think I'm going to be phoneless on purpose for a while now. Facebook makes me sick and a twisted individual, but it's okay, it's amusing to see people so content having achieved so less in their lives. Girls who take selfies everyday and post them with song lyrics as captions don't annoy me anymore, I feel sorry for them. Boys who stalk/prey on women via facebook are always going to be doing it virtually because in reality they lack the balls. 
• I'm done trying to get people to love me. I have never been the one to compromise when it comes to work, family, etc and it's wrong of me to compromise when it comes to relationships. I feel like I owe it to myself and I deserve better than what I've been getting. Love is a sham. Love makes you weak. It fills your head with unrealistic expectations.
• The first incision is always the hardest, the most painful. Mostly because you can't quite anticipate the amount of pain you're going to feel. I feel like an emotional, insecure teenager with body issues cutting herself to feel good. Would you rather cut yourself or do bad drugs? Or both? 
• Lonerism is a good thing. It gives you time to figure out who you really are. If it were upon me, I would never leave the confines of my room. I'm scared of the big bad world outside. I'm afraid of the men who will lure me and break my heart. 
• Everything is always about sex. The older you grow, the more complicated it gets. Your cunt craves for what your heart warns you against. It's easier to get laid when you are young, you don't care about consequences of who you choose to sleep with.
• Am I a slut for enjoying sex as much, if not more than, a man?
• My soul mate is dead. My soul mate is FUCKING DEAD. There, I've said it! Chances are that love will never be my thing. Maybe I'll find fortune and maybe I'll find fame, but that is where the buck will probably stop for me. Neglect breeds strange feelings. I don't think I'd like to procreate and transfer all those fucked up things onto a new generation.
• I love animals and food more than people. People let you down, always.
• One day when I'm 30, I'd like to be dead. Or sooner. I just want to say what I have to say and then exit gracefully. There's only a certain number of years one can live alone, on their own. It becomes painful after that. I feel out of place almost everywhere. I don't think I belong. Or is that because I've had a broken heart for as long as I can remember and I've forgotten what it likes to be happy?
• I can't seem to remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Maybe when I met my best friend. We were sharing our sob stories. There's something incredibly comforting about having someone around who won't judge you for what you do and who you are. Wish I could meet more people like that. 
• Tripping indoors is still not my thing. I'm too much of a vagabond to trip in a room. I need to be somewhere outside, under the sky. I could spend my entire trip looking at the moon. Everything I see and everything I hear and everything I feel, it's all in my head. These are manifestations of my thoughts. I control my trip. What does enlightenment feel like? Powerful, confusing and lonely.
• I'm going back into my shell again. I'll come out only when someone coaxes me out of it. Half-hearted attempts aren't good enough for me anymore. I've been under lockdown for 4 days now and I don't want it to end anytime soon. This is my honeymoon with myself and nobody is invited.
• Everybody is selfish. Everybody is a liar. I'm not everybody.