Life would have been so perfect if every story had a happy ending. But that would have been quite boring as well then, wouldn't it?!

I mean it would be so nice if I *magically* knew most of the stuff that I have for my Bored exams (pun fully intended) and my folks showed slightly more mercy on me. If my guy *magically* got Bunny Rabbit to stop stoning and concentrate on the finer things in life. If Black Ninja *magically* found out a way through the maze without losing anything. If the world *magically* became a better place to live in. If SPE *magically* opened a branch in all the other metro cities so that we could go on tour...etc etc etc...you get the point, right?

But things don't happen that way, you win some and you lose some, or in most cases, you win some and lose a whole lot. You can't complain, it's of no use.

Blah.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in 6 days. I am fucked both mentally and physically. The stress will kill me. I want to get over with January as soon as possible, this has been a nightmare month for me work-load wise. I hope February *magically* turns out to be better.

*yawn*

I think I'll go listen to some good 'ol Mozart now, thank god for music.

Colours

The red intensity on your face.

The pink blush on my cheeks.

Yellow sunshine sneaking past the curtains.

As we lay in each others arms.

Seconds, minutes, hours.

Let the universe collapse.

Let time stop.

I'm yours, you're mine.

That's all that matters now.

The mistakes of yesterday are long gone now.

We have grown.

We have changed.

It doesn't matter if they believe us or not.

We know the truth.

That's all that matters now.

The white clarity of your heart.

The green envy in their eyes.

Crimson sunsets and starry evenings.

The stuff that dreams are made of.

Only this time, I'm dreaming with my eyes wide open.

Doomsday Is Here, I Am Quoting Love. gaaahh!!

"Every time that I sell myself to you

I feel a little bit cheaper than I need to

I will tear the petals off of you

Rose red, I will make you tell the truth

Was she asking for it?

Was she asking nice?

If she was asking for it,

Did she ask you twice

Every time that I stare into the sun

Angel dust and my dress just comes undone

Every time that I stare into the sun

Be a model or just look like one

Wild eye rot gut, do them in

Do you think you can make me do it again?

Was she asking for it?

Was she asking nice?

If she was asking for it,

Did she ask you twice

Live through this with me.

I swear that I will die for you.

And if you live through this with me

I swear that I will die for you

Was she asking for it?

Was she asking nice?

If she was asking for it,

Did she ask you twice

Was she asking for it?

Was she asking nice?

If she was asking for it,

Did she ask you twice....."

-Hole, 'Asking For It'

Just because the words haunt me and I have the version which features Cobain singing the harmony, I am willing to intentionally overlook the fact that at the end of the day, it is a song by Courtney Love!

Holden and I

The amount of stress that I am going through right now is just not funny. It was only when Black Ninja pointed it out to me that I realised that the strain is starting to show, tired eyes with dark circles beneath them, sunken cheeks and no glow on my skin. That's what I see when I look into the mirror.

I need to rest for a while.

I am tired.

I want this drama to come to an end.

I am sick of all the pressure.

I want January to come to an end for obvious reasons.

I need to study.

Ah. The irony.

The system's getting to me too. It's reforming me and I am so caught up with my woes that I nearly failed to realise that!

But I'm not complaining. I know that I have lost. The system has won once again. I have changed, or rather, it has changed me.

I see these kids trying to grow up all too fast and it pains me. It's funny how one values something only after it is gone. I never really had the quintessential childhood, I grew up fast due to the circumstances but I don't see why anybody would willingly want to give it up for something that they only *think* is better.

And I am also not complaining because I have learnt, or rather taught myself to move on. Stuff happens, but you can't dwell in the past forever now, can you? I mean I've been through shit and la la la, but then again, despite what he did to me, I forgive him and I wish him all the joy in the world. If I ever meet him again, I'll still be happy for him. I wouldn't want to get back into his life and screw it up, just to take revenge now that I am older and have a functional (hah!) brain.

Similarly, it saddens me how people cling on to things that they know wont come back to them. And in the process they miss out on the present. By the time they realise what an imbecile they had been for not being able to move on, it's too late. I see Bunny Rabbit these days and he nauseates me yet at the same time I almost feel sorry for him. He's become all that I never imagined he would be, waiting for her to come back to him. He's wasting away.I tried to help him out as a friend, but I couldn't. I feel horribly guilty about it but there's not much I can do for him anymore. I tried it all, because I cared, but he left me with no other choice but to give up hope and distance myself from him. One day, when we're all happy and sober, we'll look back on the fun times that we had, the shit that we did and laugh about it. But till then I hope that he finds love and happiness and inner peace one day. I really do.

But Holden, who I seek solace in, had it much easier. Us women are overtly emotional. It gets us nowhere, really. I might not show it, but it doesn't mean that I don't bruise. I do. A hell lot. They say that the first cut is the deepest. But I beg to differ. Heartbreak hurts every single time, no matter how big or small.

Heartache.

Heartbreak.

Heartache.

Heartbreak.

Bliss.

Heartache.

Heartbreak.

Heartache.

Heartbreak.

Bliss...

And so the pattern continues.

I'll get used to it someday, I hope.

But till then, the system's won. I've lost.

The rematch is set to start soon, so fret not!

Work , Women and other Wonderful things.

I'm back from work and instead of hitting the sack, I have decided to enjoy a drink and lose myself in oblivion before I let the pressure get the better of me. I can see myself being punished for being a lazy ass throughout 2009 and not studying, the shows are killing me, more than the shows it's the stiff opposition from my parents. I mean here we are, about to sign on that dotted line at You-Know-Where and my folks are going crazy trying to get me to STOP all this "music nonsense". But I think it's only fair, I am their only child afterall, they obviously wouldn't want my future to turn out all bleak when I have the "potential", but screw the UK, this is where I belong. This is home. In any case, I've given myself another 5 years, if I don't get there by then, I never will. So 5 friggin years is all I have, if this doesn't work out, I'll know that this is not for me and go back to plan 'B'..(my so called "ambition", which is too embarrassing to reveal here!)

There, now that I have written that down, I feel a little less disillusioned already.

But women are taking up much of my mental space. Don't get me wrong (my guy, who I CONVINCED will read this!), I love you more than you'll ever know but women are something. Uff, they are *something*. I admire them, they inspire me.

I watched her move tonight. She blew my mind. I'm still high on the way she was looking at me. I could be wrong, maybe she's not like me. But till I (which is never) find that out, I'd prefer not to let rationality shatter my rather momentary dream!

Now now, cheer up you retard, this bit is for you. Please don't let this be a reason for you to feel insecure. I know I have hurt you and I know that I've given you a hard time. But I'm working on it, I swear I am and I know that you're working on your bits as well. When you're with me, I feel complete and quite frankly that is all that matters. These random winter afternoons may not mean that much to you since you haven't quite forgiven me yet, but to me they mean everything-they're the only time when I get to see the real you and I love what I see.

So at the risk of sounding like Little Mary Sunshine on Prozak, here's to work, women and other wonderful things, may they never cease to fascinate me!

:)

I am VERY pissed off with a certain somebody who doesn't seem to get the hint...erm, yea baby, this post is just for you!

Guess what, you're a loser with nothing better than to do than try to bring other people down. You may be the center of your own tiny little universe so I'm really sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't exist in mine. So you can scream, shout, go on a killing spree, but you'll never quite be successful in digging your way back in.

I hope I've made myself clear.

Baal chherr tui.

:)

(I have a show in a while so I'll spare the profanities, but trust me when I meet you next, I'll sock you, swear to Cobain I will!)

-NoName..hawww!-

I'm running.

I think I'm going too fast.

Catch up.

Catch up please.

I can't stop now.

I'm running.

So fast that the you won't notice my tears.

So fast that I forget to breathe.

So fast that you won't be able to catch up.

I'm running,

Away from all the people.

Away from this hoax

I'm running real fast,

Running away from you.

But you'll always catch up, won't you?

Use Somebody

"Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you..."
-Kings Of Leon, 'Use Somebody'


Yea well, as if I haven't made it clear enough, I am obsessed with K.O.L/Snow Patrol all over again...it's almost as though I'm rediscovering them once again. I am also rediscovering a whole lot of other things in life. I am rediscovering you.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own webs of sorrow that we feel the need to retreat into our own shells where we're invincible, where no one can hurt us. But even then, that little voice telling us that things'll turn out just fine as long as we have each other keeps us from breaking apart. You know why? It's because deep down inside, we know that the voice inside speaks the truth and things will indeed be fine, as long as we have faith-in ourselves and on each other.

It's not about me, it's not about you...this time it's about us.

You're not him. You never were. I don't want you to be.

I am not her. I never was. You would never want me to be.

It's not about him, her, them or anyone else. It never was. It can never be.

It's about us.

We've been there and done things that we're not proud of but I think we've cleaned up just fine. The occasional cuts and scrapes don't matter anymore. They only make us stronger-more aware of ourselves.

It's like those random, aimless, unplanned walks...you start with absolutely no idea what lies in store for you. You stop occasionally to play with that super lovable dog, drink a cup of piping hot tea at that roadside stall, smoke a biri, share a few light moments with friends, talk your heart out no matter how nonsensical you may sound, show some PDA but at the end of the day, the journey always leads back home. No matter how long it takes you, you ALWAYS get back home, as long as you're holding on to that crazy little thing called love (read: hope).

We have our own demons to slay before we can truly be free. But we'll get there someday. Someday very very soon from now. But that is just utopia, what we have now may not be perfect, but with a little more time, it will be. We need to be a little patient-you and me. That is what makes us, well, we!

:)

There is a very strong line between love and hate. You make me go back and forth all the time.
I love you so much that I hate you.
I hate you so much that I love you.
Love sex.
Hate sex.
Eros.
Thanatos.
Life.
Death.
Mania.
Depression.
It's a cycle that you can't break, try as you may, but you can't!

Games That People Play

Pain and pleasure.
The yin and the yang.

I can make you laugh.
I can make you cry.
I can make you swear.
I can make you howl.
I can make you moan.
I can make you numb.
I can get you high.
I can take you places.
I can make you love me.
I can make you hate me.
I can make you want to kill yourself.
I can make you want to live a 100 years just to be with me.
With just my tongue.