She grabbed him by his hair.

Forced a kiss upon his lips.

He pushed her back on to the ground.

Sunk his teeth deep into her skin.

They tried to have sex.

They couldn't.

They landed up making love.

Again.

Bm/F#m/G/A

That's all that is keeping me from falling apart. I'm so glad that I'm doing this. You're here too, could it get any better?

Let us not look at the sun today, it may burn our eyes.

Let us not speak, they may hear us.

Let us not run, anymore.

Let us be not scared.

Let us not move.

Let us be. Let it be. Just.

As the world collapses.

As the sky falls down.

As the oceans dry up. like the tears from my eyes.

The only thing that remains,

The only thing that stands firm,

Is the ground beneath our feet...

Falling.

I know I'm falling.

Like a piece of puzzle,

right back into it's place.

Crawling.

Looks like I'm crawling.

Out with my loaded gun,

Just in case.

Poseur

It's so easy.

It's so convenient.

A nip here here, a tuck there.

Come catch me, if you dare.

All is sublime.

All is good.

Bite my head off tomorrow.

Or better still, drown in your sea of sorrow.

Hurt me once.

It shall heal.

Hurt me twice.

I'll get used to the feel.

But hurt me not thrice.

I'm your mistress of spice.

(I miss Someplace, and no, this has NOTHING to do with the post. It became my life for a few months. But the queer part is that I don't just miss the shows, I miss the people and the atmosphere more. Rakesh Da's drunken madness and how he spreads such a good vibe. Bishu and Guitar Kaku's overtly friendly conversations. Sunil Da and how I'm not giving him such a hard time anymore and so he can just place "#8" at a suitable volume and try to catch some sleep. Ooh yeah, Rahul, our #1 fan and the DJ, who ALWAYS makes it a point to cheer when we hit the stage/get off....I could go on forever....*sigh*

Retard's playing at Open Mic today and infact we were slated to play at our regular slot after Open Mic and Hip Pocket so if it had not been for these darn exams, it'd be kindda cool-playing at the same place on the same day!

But I think I'll have to pull off a gig on Sunday, I love the Sunday slots, we get to be the only band playing on Sundays and I think for someone who's just 18, that is neat. But Someplace is just the stepping stone. The journey has just started, there's still such a long way to go!)

Ex-s and Why-s

Joan Jett brings out the gay person in me like no other musician can, expect maybe for Madonna. I was talking to an acquaintance today and he was cribbing about how his ex girlfriend is giving him a hard time and then he included the words, "you know how it is, don't you" at the end and that brought out the Holden in me and so I told him that I didn't have a clue, because my ex girlfriend was quite the babe!

Heh.

I BET either his jaw dropped to the floor or he visualized very graphic and very pornographic things. It's normal. I wouldn't be too upset about it. People still associate alternative sexuality as erotica. But then again, erotica is more respectable than being called insane just because you feel for someone of the same sex.

There are a whole bunch of jokes about how bisexual people are lucky and have more options and I laugh everytime I hear those jokes but I don't think it's like that. At all. I don't think alternative relationships are very different from the usual ones.

Retard squirms and tells me that he feels insecure. I guess it's not a very nice thought. I mean the probability of him staring at a hot girl on the road when he's with me and then turning around to catch me checking her out too is quite high! But then again, when you are in a serious relationship, these trivial things don't matter.

They shouldn't. That wouldn't be too healthy.

I think from my last relationship I learned just that. You have to let go yet at the same time not compromise with who you are and our ideals. Two people who are in a relationship are supposed to complement and complete each other, not sacrifice who they are just be with their better halves. That's not how it works. But I've also noticed that girls tend to do this more often than boys-let go off themselves for their partner's sake. I have done it. My girl did it (infact we BOTH did it, bizzare!) and she did the same when she was in her previous relationship as well.

But I am quite proud of the way I've handled myself, except for a few misses here and there. I did take revenge on an ex for fooling around with someone while I was out of town, by breaking up with him and making out with two of his best friends and then subjecting him to the pain of listening to them go on and on about how great I was and all that when I was 14. But I STILL don't regret it. He started the cheating first. I guess it was a lame thing to do and the fact that I had been conned before didn't help either, it just brought out the sheer evil in me.

Stuff like that happens.

He got over it, eventually. We're friends till date.

Next up in the list would be my epic relationship with you-know-who, but even during the darkest of the days, I couldn't get myself to cheat on him. I don't know what made me stop, I think it was the fact that I had an enormous amount of respect for him and for the sanctity of our relationship. We had lost our modjo, but nothing was worth tainting what we once had and I am so glad that I stuck to it and so did he. When things got really bad, we were on a break. I wanted him to be with other people and see if he felt the same once he came back to me. He didn't. I pursued my own goal of finding the lost me again. I did. It ended at that.

Yes, so when I was single and I swore to remain so, till I got my act together, Retard found me. What started off as lust for him (clearly!) and another random act of mindlessness for me turned into something a bit more meaningful and we didn't even realize till it was almost over.

To think of it now, what made me take him so seriously that day? He had always made it quite clear that he was fond of me, not taking into consideration that he tried to camouflage his lust by using the word 'infatuation', but still. What made him say those words, as we looked at each other that day? Why was I so overwhelmed?Why did I reciprocate the way that I did?

I don't have any answer.

Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and trust your better half and go with what your soul wants.

Despite having been cheated on, retard trusts me. When he becomes a drama king and tells me that he's scared that I might just have a crush on one of my female friends, just because I'm texting them or something, I know that he trusts me. I'm quite proud of him for that actually, not bringing in baggage from his past into our relationship.

But on the other hand, even after being subjected to deceit of the highest order. I think I'm fairly brave too. I can close my eyes and trust that boy. Yeah, I could also call myself an ignorant fool for making myself vulnerable to a whole lot of heartbreak. But if there's something that I have learned so far in my 18 years on earth, it would be the fact that no matter what, shit happens. You can't complain or stop just because of a broken heart. You have to put every single piece back together on your own, let the wound heal and then wait for someone else to take it from you and hope that you don't suffer the same fate again.

Towards the starting of our relationship, a lot of things went wrong. The long forgotten ex-s and the why-s cropped up. I guess you can blame it on Murphy's law. People from Retard's past cropped out of nowhere. My ex fuck buddy, who wasn't even in town landed up randomly at my doorstep, wanting to officially "end things", but again, I handled myself well. I hope Retard did too, even if he didn't, like I said, it doesn't matter to me. It's scary how much I trust him but I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

(This bit is for you babe)

So yeah, like we talked about, I really have no clue what I would do if you were cheating on me. I wouldn't take someone else's word for it and if it is you. who confesses. My heart may be broken into a thousand and one million little pieces, but I'll put every single piece back together by myself and try to live with it. I can't say that I'll stop loving you, that's just stupid. You know me better than that. My world may crash and burn and come to a stop. But then again, if you don't have the slightest consideration of how your actions may affect me, I don't think you should bother about me. I'll pretend like nothing ever happened.

And yes, I don't think I've said it and you know how much PDA repels me, but anyway, in case you didn't know already, when you look into my eyes, you probably feel the way that you feel because my vulnerability shows, my vulnerability which I try to hide from you.I feel exposed in front of you-like you know me stripped down to my bone. It's a scary feeling because the consequences will be VERY bad if this ends the wrong way. I have been quite the gambler and I'm willing to take another chance...I don't care about anything else but you. I don't love you back. I love you.

I should have said this on that fateful day itself, instead of fucking things up. I should have done and not done a lot of things. You should have done and not done a lot of things. But all that doesn't matter now, to me atleast.

Like I said, it doesn't matter. I love you. I don't expect you to say anything in return. I love you unconditionally. It doesn't matter if it's one way or both ways.

PS-What happened to that ex-fuck buddy of mine? His girlfriend caught him and her friend fooling around. They broke up. In fact it was only after being dumped that he realized what she meant to him. But she won't take him back. He's in deep shit.

What happened to retard's past? One I think put up all that nonsense just for the attention, I don't know her personally but since this is a small city, she's just about fine. In fact I thought she was quite fascinating, I'd love to get to know her. I have a feeling that we'd both click quite well as friends.I hope I get introduced to her soon, we'll have quite a bit to talk about actually since her world didn't come to an end after all. And the other person who doesn't stay here...well,it's a small city, word spreads pretty fast, she's getting back what she did to him for whatever her reasons may be.

Hickies don't lie.

Splitting Images

Cut me open.

Let the wounds not scare you.

They will be all I have left

When the love is gone.

Falling.

The world is falling.

-collapsing into the void.

It's in her eyes.

The hurt and the pain.

She's been smothered too.

Everybody knows now.

Falling,

The world is falling

-collapsing into the void.

It's all gone now.

She's gone now,  she's never coming back

She's collapsed into the void too.

And she's down there, waiting for you.

Life, As We Know It

I rejected a whole bunch of friend requests on facebook a while back. It's annoying how the fraandsheep-makers have all migrated to facebook from orkut and random people who've come for my shows think they can add me and strike up a conversation with me just like that. But anyway, that's for another post. This one is for someone, or rather something else.

I was on a roll hitting the reject button and I accidentally rejected NRI boy as well. In fact it took me a good ten minutes to recollect who he was in the first place and it was only after thoroughly analyzing his profile did I remember who he was.

Okay.

I feel stupid.

I feel even stupider when I think of how I used to be so crazy about him once upon a time, almost embarrassed of how shallow I was once. But I feel the stupidest when I think of how important he was for me at a point of time in life and how he's someone I vaguely remember now.

So I thought of adding him back and including a message, or rather an apology for my blunder but I decided against it. Why?

Because, with time, I have learnt to control my hormones.

Because, as much fun as we had once had, they are all a part of the long forgotten past now. They're not going to come back. We both are very different people now. People change. Time changes people.

And lastly, because almost all relationships come with an expiry date. They're brilliant while they last but most tend to end. Stretching it or trying to work things out from the scratch once things are over is nothing but a BAD idea. We just HAVE to let go sometimes, for better or for worse.

But really, this post really isn't about NRI boy (who by the way, seems like a person I knew from a long forgotten dream and whose memories I shall cherish, but wouldn't want to relive the dream all over again, no offence to him though. He was the cutest thing I'd ever seen) This is about the tragedy and the heartbreak of/for how most good things always come to an end. You think some things are just perfect and they last forever and bla bla bla, but most of the time, you're mistaken. Now that bit is just fine, everybody goes through it. But the bit that's tragic is how most people are not willing to let go.

You HAVE to let go. Sooner or later, you just do. There was this particular person who I was seeing during my juvenile delinquency days and he was under the impression that just because he loved me, I'd never be able to get over him, no matter what he did to/with me. So I put up with it for a while and eventually broke up with him. He threatened me/begged me to come back but I didn't and eventually I moved on. So what happened to him since? Well the last time I bumped into him, he was with his girl and they looked like two happy little kids. But yeah, it was awkward, as much as I am happy for him. I wish things weren't so bad between us. If only he had let go like I did, maybe we'd atleast be on talking terms then...

And yes, this whole thing about two ex-s not being able to be friends, I think it's rather subjective. I may not be the best-est of friends with my ex, but yeah, we're cool. We're not overtly friendly, but we're not indifferent or intentionally indifferent either and that's probably because we knew that our thing wouldn't last any longer so we did was seemed like the hardest yet the right thing to do-part ways, even though we had been together for nearly three years.

So is my guy cool with me being friends with my ex? I don't think so, but it's just a Hi/Hello-esque thing now so there isn't any reason for him to get worked up for. Would I be cool if he were best friends wit his ex? I don't think so. I trust him but I think this is just a basic human reaction.

yeah, that's right. A basic human reaction, just the way how an ex feels that the person who their former partner is currently seeing can never be as good as them. It's not a feeling that one should be ashamed of. I have felt it. I bet even though my ex may not show it, he feels it too. What's more, I bet my guy has felt it too, at some point of time or the other and even though I don't know his ex, I doubt she'd be an exception.

It's just the way we humans are.

But I'm deviating again. This post was not meant to be about ex boyfriends/ girlfriends/ flings/ waddyacallits either. This was meant to be a simple post about how time changes things. So I think I'll keep it at that.

Goodbye NRI boy and the other similar memories. It was fun while it lasted, but I have other things in life to keep me ticking now and by that I don't necessarily mean new relationships and new friendships and new alliances by the way. :)

Driftwood

We are all terminally ill people. In our own ways of course. Everybody has some kind of a disorder, some are aware of it while most others aren't. I think that is what makes us so unique as individuals. I can safely say that there is NO ONE on earth who is *just* like me and you, my reader, reading this will probably feel the same way too-there can be no one who's just like YOU. There can be people who are similar to you, but not exactly like you and if you disagree well then,

a) I don't give a fuck, This is my blog and I'm entitled to say whatever I feel like (hah, this always works! :P)

b) there you've found your thing- using denial, as a defense mechanism till a point when it becomes unhealthy. (hahahahhaha!!)

So anyway, I feel quite jaded at the moment. I guess I can blame it on the depression/mania like I usually do and get away with it. But you see, this is an everlasting problem. I admit that I am chicken shit and I am VERY scared of what I am capable of doing. I've been there and done that a lot of times and I know now that the only shot that I have at normalcy (?) is when I stop visiting that part of my mind.

I enjoy the mania. It's simple. It makes me happy and helps me think without complications. The depression scares the crap outta me, it really does and it's like some kind of a recurring Appocalpse, bound to happen sometime or the other-especially when you're least expecting it!

I guess I would be better off if I didn't know what's wrong with me because even though I know now what triggers off my bouts of temporary "insanity", I really can't do anything to keep myself under control.

Retard's been reading (shame on you!) my blog again lately and he casually mentioned today how my posts are becoming all sappy and boring (I used different adjectives ofcourse, he wouldn't say that to me on my face, he's not that heartless) and I couldn't help but smirk. He also tells me at times how it's so easy to make me happy. That makes me smirk even more. I don't think he'd even want to be with me if he knew about what really goes on inside that head of mine. It's a scary place to visit. I would know, I go there at times. I know you're happy now and I want this feeling to stay for as long as we're together but don't take this for granted. This can go away at any point of time!

Like a box chained to the bottom of the ocean, I have locked that part of me up and tossed it away. It will return to take revenge, but till then I have no problem in enjoying my bit of happiness. The easier it is to find, the better infact!

;)

Yet Another Post Without a Name

My blanket still smells of you.

I can't get you out of my head.

This is crazy.

I'm crazy.

I'm driving you crazy.

Place your hand upon my heart.

Do you feel it?

Yeah, it's beating away day and night.

Beating for you.

I placed my hand upon yours today.

And I felt it too.

Shut your eyes,

what do you see?

Do you see me?

This is crazy.

I'm crazy.

I'm driving you crazy.

Hate me.

Hate me even if it's just for a little bit.

I wouldn't mind.

It'd keep my feet on the ground then.

Don't love me so much.

I'm starting to get used to this.

I woke up today morning with the realisation that I am gambling with my life. My career is my moolah. Fuck. Everything was so perfectly planned last year-take the goddamn IELTS, apply to the colleges of choice and wait for their letter of acceptances. But I gambled it all away. I mean there's still time incase I decide to change my mind (again!) and leave this city, but I am very disillusioned now. I should have fuckin sat for the NID entrance atleast, I know I have it in me to make it, even though I'm such a bum. Crap. If I don't get through to my college/s of choice here, I can safely say that my career in music is over. I will have to go away some place, whether I like it or not because the education *does* matter at the end of the day. Your degree, very sadly, makes you and not what you have within you....So anyway, I'm not letting the pressure get to me. The friggin test scores are valid for two years so incase something goes horribly wrong here, I could apply outside cause my profile technically is quite impressive, taking into consideration the orthodox system that prevails in the UK. (reasoning with yourself helps, doesn't it?!)

But I don't want to go away. I want to stay here, for another five years atleast.I want to keep doing what I am doing now. I am putting so much of energy into it that it's not funny. I want this more than ever, I got that little push which I needed to get me going and there's no stopping me now.

So in such times what does one do? I know my fix-music and the Beatles have a fucking song for every goddamn mood man. So while listening to Across The Universe, I remembered the existence of a version by Rufus Wainwright and he put everything back into place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAe1lVDbLf0

Rarely does a cover match up to the magic of the original song. I idol worship The Beatles like a crazy woman and think they're probably the coolest band to have lived on planet earth and I HATE most people who cover their songs and land up looking like jackasses.

But Rufus Wainwright is the man. First Cohen's Hallelujah (which I happen to like more than the original version, don't kill me, please) and now this. I love this man. Unlike other artists, who show off their vocal skills, this man actually digs deep into the song and captures the feel, which I think is the most important element of music. I love the video too, in a creepy way. Hope you like it as well.

And there are tonnes of other versions as well, mostly from soundtracks though. The ones that I don't mind listening to are Apple's rendition from the OST of Pleasantville and ofcourse the version which features in the movie 'Across the Universe', I don't know who that is by so please excuse my ignorance and if you STILL don't like the song, just listen to the goddamn version by the Beatles and don't blame me if you fall in love with the song!

:)

Me and My Guitar

I'm walking.

Away from all the lies.

And the polka dotted butterflies.

I'm running.

Past my past.

This time, I'm running fast.

Into another future where

He can't catch up anymore.

He won't haunt me like me before.

I'll be free like I was.

Without a scratch or a scar.

Just the two of us-me and my guitar.

Disturbingly Profound/Profoundly Disturbing

I haven't made a list in what seems like ages. So here goes another random list. But this one's all connected. I'm trying to see how many things I can cover from the first to the last point! :D

• Pseudonym shows just HAVE TO start with "You Outta Know". Yes, it's a stupid superstition but I refuse to start a show with some other song. Even when/if we're not playing the song as a part of the gig, we HAVE to do our sound-check with it. Bass, no further argument. But which is my favorite song from our play list? Contrary to popular belief, it's NOT any of the Nirvana covers, it's 'Little Calvin'. I love that song. Bass, no further argument!
• Nirvana. Yes. To me it's so much more than *just* a band. I'm not a crazy Kurt Cobain fanatic, mind you. Don't judge me just because I decided to get him inked on my body when I was 17. Cobain signifies that particular turbulent phase of my life which has made me what I am today-for better or for worse. Everytime I look at the tattoo, I remember how lucky I am to be amongst the lucky few to have survived the holocaust and somehow, I give a whole lot of credit to Cobain's music for my current supposedly "sane" and "socially acceptable" lifestyle.
• Tattoos are something that I am quite fond of. But my tattoos have a thought behind them, a thought I want to keep with myself forever. I'm not like those jokers who get inked just for the sake of it or to look "cool". I think it's juvenile and it's stupid.
• And yet another clarification. A whole lot of people may dismiss me for being a know-it-all. But the fact remains that I value my intellect, or whatever little that I have left of it. I *do* read the Gita and that's the only reason why I got my favorite verses inked. Why on earth would someone want to randomly tattoo words on to their body if it had no meaning man? That's just stupid.
• Just because I read/have read the Gita does NOT mean that I am a religious person. I belong to that school of thought which believes that man created God in order to keep himself under control, for the fear of a "supreme authority" would keep him from doing wrong things. If paganism is not an acceptable religion, then going by that logic, neither is Hinduism, Islam, Christianity etc etc. Buddhism is something that I am quite convinced with though, it talks about the cycle of life, karma and moksha, but then again, once we die, that is the end of us. The cycle ends there-on death. I refuse to believe in reincarnation and all that. However, I am a very spiritual person. I believe that the ultimate power lies within ourselves and ourselves alone. The Gita, which is essentially a series of dialogues between Arjun and krishna, before the battle of Kurukshetra (for all those of you who didn't know!) is quite relevant in our lives. We just have to read and interpret from a different view, dismissing the halo of holiness that surrounds it.

Has it ever ocurred to the reader that Krishna may not exist at all and just be Arjun's conscience urging him to find his inner strength and go battle his own demons?

" I dwell not in people, nor do they dwell in ME,

Look to my Rajyoga resplendence!

I am their creator and sole-sustainer,

And on them I have no dependence."

(sorry, I could type out the verse in Sanskrit, this is a translation for better understanding)

How does this have anything to do with god? This is about man and these words have been spoken not by a "god" but by a mortal just like us. Who is Arjun but a common man, like all of us? Arjun was not entirely black OR white...both shades existed in him. He was grey-just like us. No one is entirely black or entirely white, entirely good or entirely bad, entirely powerful or entirely weak. We are all the same. The same shades of colour exist in all of us, we just choose to show the side that we think is more suitable so while some *choose* to be good and hide their bad side, most others *choose* to show their bad side, even though goodness lies in them.

• But how did such atheist-esque thoughts manifest themselves in my head? My mother is quite religious and so is my dad. I think it comes from the fact that my extended family is very tightly knit. SO much so that it doesn't feel like my extended family at all. The Sen family is a colourful one and boy am I lucky to have been born into this family or what! It's super accommodating, super varied and super liberal. Get-togethers seem more like picnics. But there are a few embarrassing moments once in a while. My kaku (who by the way is just 20) went to good old Oly for a drink with his friends and he walked in to find his (or rather our) grandfather (cousin grandfather? well, one of the senior most members in the family. so yeah) sitting there, enjoying his drink with his friends. It was embarrassing for the both of them but they never spoke about it ever again. Now, in a normal family, grandpop would have called up kaku's parents and let them know what their son was up to, but like I said, our family is cool. Everything goes, as long as it's within the limits. If there was a soap opera based on my family, I don't think it'd too too well. We're too happy a bunch. *touches wood*.So even if my parents and I have a not-so-great relationship, I still value my family. I wouldn't change anything about it-even the disconnect. Imperfections are meant to exist, why knock yourself out on something you cant fix?!
• And yes, soap operas...no matter how much we look down on them, ridicule them or mock them. Deep down within, all of us like watching mindless drama on television. Yes, it may not necessarily be the untolerable hindi shit that's alwys on TV, but EVERBODY has their soap-opera that can quite be called their fix. Not sitcoms, mind you, but soap operas. What's mine? Gossip Girl all the way. It might make me a loser , but I couldn't care less. If I had to choose between watching a movie and watching re-runs of GG, I'd choose the latter anyday!
• Gossip Girl=Chuck Bass=Unconditional Love. I think why I'm so in love with with Chuck Bass is not because he's charming and suave and etc etc, but because I feel like a Chuck Bass at times. Yeah I've had my fair share of mindlessnesses and narcotics but I've given it all up, just like that, for love. Yes, I do differentiate between having sex and making love. I do believe that even the best sex in the world can not match up to making love, that gives you a different high altogether.
• But sometimes I feel a little shaken at the mere thought of how much I have been through already. I mean at this rate, when I'm 30, I'll friggin want to kill myself cause I'll be so bored. I grew up way too fast, I barely had the chance to pause, take a look around and enjoy. My teenage has one more year to go and it really couldn't have got anymore eventful than what it has been like already. I intent to slow down for a while now. Enjoy these months, I have a feeling that there'll be a whole lot of memories to come, that'll last for a lifetime.

(to be continued, godpromiss!!)