Bend and Unbreak

Like the frames straight out of a porno, my body contorts in strange new ways. 

Off the ground, holding on.

He says he likes how tiny I am. To be fair, I equally enjoy how big he is.

Wet wet wet, so wet.

Hard to imagine I'd be dry like the Sahara a few months ago. I guess the wait makes it all worth it.

26 in a few days and I'm easing myself into a brand new phase. Physically, I feel great. With all the hours  of asanas I put into my body, I see it do wonderous new things. My body feels firm and yet supple. My body feels mine. It helps my pride that the men I've been with lately have been good lovers in every sense of the word. No games, no sadism, only love. So I guess there's no point of looking back, the present is all I have. The present feels good.

Daddeh

My bed feels lonely without your presence, my head is all kind of distracted. 

It's so beautiful, the sound of rain against the windowsill. 

I can't wait to see you again. I won't wait to see you again.

Go on your adventures as I go on mine.

Come back when you want to, I'll still be your little girl.

Always and forever. 

Kissing In The Room Of Mirrors

He bends down unexpectedly to kiss me, oh wow, he's really tall isn't he.

We're in the room of mirrors. Infinite images, a moment preserved in time.

Monsoon is for romance, monsoon is to find myself over and over again. 

The Oldest/Youngest I've Been

With another birthday round the corner, I'm strangely indifferent about it. What do I want from life this next year? I don't really know. At this point I'm grateful to be alive, somewhat sane.

It feels a little bit strange to not have the usual pillars around but I guess the good thing about ageing is that you start looking inward for peace, meaning and you learn to slowly stop projecting on others all the nasty things in your head.

I feel strangely young and so old at the same time. Maybe I'll run again, for this birthday but the soberiety feels really good. It's only helped that all my recent romantic liasons have been extremely sober men with extremely progressive minds. There is no fuzzy cloud around my brain. I am very well aware of moments and I'm very eager to keep it that way.

I walk around town with a lovely man, we end up spending a lot more time together than expected just talking...about everything and anything. There is no rush, in true Calcutta style, we take it slow slow slow. He's so tall and lean. Eyes blue and shining bright in the monsoon sun, I like the physicality. But I like his head, the stories more. I guess that's what growing up does to one, you start looking for deeper relationships, ones that fill your soul a little bit in their own ways. Every story is different, every story matters a lot more. 

Still working my way around abandonment issues, my brain is careful to not get fixated on magical occurrences of the recent past. Sure there are explicit memories and some photographs but I'm learning to let go gracefully.

It's like a boomerang. Comes back, whatever you send out, into the universe.

Hate for hate.

Love for love. 

The Education of S

I have been doing the best I can to please him. My skills feel juvenile but my intent is gold.

Baby's so big, you might choke me.

I know you like it, I like it too.

I could do this all night long, pleasure you.