Morality

There is something in those pair of eyes, I'm drawn to them.

It feels intoxicating, the presence.

But I know I cannot go down that road.

Some boundaries are best left uncrossed.

I have been stupid, frivolous.

And now there is a deep sense of regret.

Maybe time will change things, although my cynicism doesn't allow me to believe.

I will forever crave, they'll stick to their rules.

But I'm stubborn too, for a change.

I need, I need to believe.

Universe, this one's on you. 

Running To Stand Still

As a female artist in a predominantly male industry, Kesha's court ruling is rather heart-breaking and downright scary. Truth is, the law will never be sensitive to a victim of sexual assault. In my own way, I send out a prayer to her through this universe. I hope she gets through it, I hope she finds the strength to fight. I cannot imagine how horrific it must be for someone to have to continue being around one's molester. Life is sometimes cruel, nobody knows why.

The older I grow, the more irrelevant the sexual abuse in my past becomes. Sometimes, actually on months at a stretch, I don't think about it at all. Then there are days when I do, I try to gauge how far I've come since. I refuse to let it define who I am. Although, deep down inside I know it still does, it always will.

The triggers are strange. Most have disappeared over time but it's like a virus. You think you're healed but no, it hits you really hard one day when you're least expecting it.

I've never spoken to him since the last time I met him, as a fully-functional adult aware of one's body and sense to consent to something, but tonight I wonder how he is, where he is. I wonder if he ever thinks about me too.
He probably doesn't, why should he, I was a mere mistake he made in his youth. I wonder if he did with others what he did with me. I hope and pray he didn't.
I have forgiven him. I have forgiven many others who have used my body, who have used my heart. I guess it's easy for me to forgive because the scar he left behind remains the deepest till date.

Meditation keeps me calm, keeps me sane.
I breathe in, I breathe out.
All scars will heal.
All scars will eventually heal.
I tell myself everyday.
It is only a matter of time.



I have fought long and hard for my emancipation, but what about those who are unable to find the strength to do it on their own?
The pain comes back, the feeling of helplessness, being alone and alienated.

Sometimes, human beings can be strangely heartless.
I wish I could be a child forever.
Young, naive, hopeful...so pure, never cruel.