Lead Me On

I hope you will read this one day,
someday,
one day.
Or maybe you never will.
But it is not in my hands to make you.

Maybe you'll never know how terrible, how terrible you once made me feel.
Because I'll give it some time and the pain will eventually go away.
But that is not the point.
You'll never know how terrible you made me feel.
And that saddens me, shakes all my beliefs from the core.

You're happy, you're content.
It isn't fair that you are.
I'm a child, I seek misery and endless melancholy for you.
Like you made me feel.
I am vengeful.
I am stubborn.
Make it go away!

And I pray, I pray so sincerely,
I pray he isn't like you.
So cold, so distant, so cruel.
He isn't, there is no comparison.
And yet I'm so scared, so terribly scared.
"what if I put myself out there and get hurt again?"

Look what you've done
You've made me so unsure of the world,
of myself!

It's so incredibly humiliating
and this world is so small.
I'm so ashamed of my desperation
and your indifference.
Never again.
Never again, I promise myself.

I think about you when I have nothing else to think about.
Feel bad about myself,
flawed,
ugly.
I feel like a freak,
deserving no warmth, no compassion.

Unprotected sex, a pregnancy scare.
You were gone, nowhere to be found.
Romancing your new girl.
And I had to deal with it all alone.
You made a whore of me.

Dirty whore.
Dirty fucking whore.
Dirty whore on smack.
You didn't care.
Not one bit.

I see you soar high.
It makes me angry.
I want to clip your wings.
Tell the whole world about your cruelty.

Maybe I will, I'm no Mother Teresa...

Conditioned To Hell

After the storm has passed, I want to come back home and talk to you.

Tell you about my day.

And you tell me yours.

I want to reminisce the time we spent together.

Plan new adventures.

I want to sleep at night with you beside me, in your arms.

I want to kiss.

I want to cuddle.

I don't want to disconnect post-coitus.

I want to stay.

Let our fingers magically entwine.

Tell me your dreams.

And I'll tell you some of mine.

Let me in.

Tell me everything.

Play me your favourite music.

Teach me your way of life.

Let's adapt to each other.

Everything, I want everything.

Like you are mine.

I want to trace the contours of your body till all of it is etched in my brain.

A permanent imprint.

I want you.

With every passing day, I want you.

I want you more and more.

It isn't right to be so cynical.

You tell me that I am beautiful.

Not once.

Not twice.

You remind me every day.

I don't want to run away anymore.

I want to stay, stay the night.

Stay in bed withyou and cuddle.

Talk about love, drugs and taxes maybe.

Who cares.

The only thing I want is to be with you. 

In your arms, forever.