Happy Birthday To me...

I turn 17 today...yay!
And that is just about it.

My seemingly perfect life is nothing like it appears to be, i have dad who is'nt here, who didnt even wish me until late last night. My mum, who took a holiday today preferrs to spend time with the infant next door, most people did not have the courtesy to wish me, i did'nt get a birthday present, neither did i get a cake nor a big happy birthday hug... it's not about the gifts, its about the gestures...i feel like i'm such a burden on this shallow earth...
The only good thing about today was the fact that sayar came over for lunch and i feel like such a whore for being so mean to him all the time, i take him for granted, i treat him like shit but honestly, that is something i really do not do intentionally and i feel so horribly guilty after evrytime i do so. i really fail to understand myself, why do i hurt somebody who i love so much time and again?
I know what i do is wrong but its like i have become somebody else, somebody i dont know. somebody i dont have any control over. I'VE CREATED A MONSTOR!

So Sayar if you're reading this, i'd like to tell you that I'm really very sorry for the way that i've been treating you. I love you so much my little baby, I know I can be a fucked up bitch most of the time and I have hurt you so many times but I really did not mean to, I swear, I'm such a horrible person but i really love you, please dont ever leave me, without you I'm just a nobody, you give meaning to my life, you are the reason i'm still alive...you are..me!

Thank You For Smoking!

I enjoy my cigarette, be it in a state of complete solitude or amongst like-minded havoc makers...i enjoy my cigarette, yet very strangely, i am not completely enslaved by it...it makes me involuntarily shake my head in dissaproval to see all those young boys light up that dreaded object of my affection, also known as a 'fag',and instantly feel so macho...what a strange world we all live in- a world in which people depend on tobacco to quench their thirst for assurance, acceptance or maybe to provide a window for escape...

But smoking cigarettes was never really 'my thing' from the very beginning (yes and you,dear reader, must be thinking..."duh!") or rather i was not addicted to my fag even say, 4 years back,(i turn 17 in 2008, so do the math!) it was one eventful valentines' day that led to the loss of my innocence...all of a sudden i found myself spiralling down the path to hell..the intoxicated path of destruction and deviation...

What started out as a naive puff to escape this world became the cause of my destruction...i was lost in a sea of marijuana, i was floating in adhesive clouds and before i knew it...i was lost completely, i was so out of touch with reality that i forgot who i was and where i belonged...but it was'nt easy to turn back around and i do admit that the journey has been unpleasant, marred by too many incidents that i pray i forget someday...i lost the ones i had, i lost my sense of belonging, but then again, it was worth the feeling of immense freedom that i experienced. And as far as the loved ones were concerned, the real ones, though wounded, did come back to me eventually and i am thankfull, immensely thankfull to them for that...

So dear reader, it is not just about that one puff from that joint or that chillum...it more than that...its so much much more than that...it is all about letting yourself go with your eyes shut tight, surrendering yourself to fate- who decides what to do with you and your virgin little soul. So be careful, very very careful. I'm not propagating anything, i'm just asking you to keep your eyes open and not let the demons get to you too...

Think about it for a minute. Re-read this if you must. Do what you want to do. Infer whatever you wish to infer. Give me some time, i need to finish the last 'classic' in the pack.

i am..am i?!

Gore and masochism fascinates me...They make so much more sense than this highly sadistic world that i live in or rather, the world that i'm forced to live in...I'm not complaining about my life,which seems to be falling apart,but it's just that living it seems like such a lie these days...i don't even recognize the person who i see in the mirror...do i see me or is it who i only want to see?
I've been neglecting myself for so long that i have started to lose touch with myself.
I do not know where i stand. I do not know who my friends are. I do not know what I REALLY want. I do not know what bothers me. I do not know why i have stopped dreaming. I do not know why my creativity fails me. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to see. I do not know anything. I do not know if i am me.
WHO AM I?!

Polythene III:Narcotized...let it be!

You wait for the world to change,
just so that you can feel good.
You think you're such an angel
-little miss red riding hood!

You pretend to know it all.
you pretend like you can never fall.
but too bad your bubble has to burst.
and disappear somewhere into the dust.

You think you look so mighty fine.
in your garbs which cost so sublime.
but look at you- so ugly underneath.
you're nothing but a fake- a real defeat.

you silly little girl, can you not see
that you are really not who you pretend to be.
and we too, can see through your lies.
so with you we have to severe all ties.

So goodbye you naive fool
stop wasting our time.
this world is too out of your reach.
and not all this sublime...