The Art of Chase

Tired from the sex, so sleepy.
What time is it?
I'm too cosy under the sheets with you to care.
Your watch lies somewhere on the floor.
I see the veins on your hands.
Long arms, strangely slender wrists, holding me as I try to sleep.
It's been awhile since I last spooned.
And my heart is beating crazy fast.
I'm a junkie on cocaine.
You see, just like you,
I'm playing with fire too.
So risky, like our sexual misadventures.
Can you feel my heart beat though?
Do you care?

Lovers in their infancy, sleeping together for their first time.
And yet there's a strange sense of comfort.
Satiation.
There's no hurry to wake up and run this time.
But it will all be over soon, I tell myself.
Don't fall for it.
Don't fall for it.

You're gone before I can catch my breath.
You fill me up with hope for a second only to snatch it away.
I don't know what to make of what you really want from me.
Sex?
Love?
Company?
Say it.
Say it or I'll never know.
Or maybe you never will.

Maybe the moment has passed already,
I waited,
I waited for you,
then I grew tired and weary and stopped.

You go your way and I go on with mine.
Impasse, or is it?

Sola Sistim

The universe works in mysterious ways. Sometimes you need a sign when you're lost. I found mine today while working on the pre-production of a new Ganesh song. Album 2 will take some time sure, but I noticed how I've grown (hopefully into a musician?) since the last record. I swore to myself that I'd get my act together before the next set of songs and acquire enough skills to not just write better but arrange and ideate better. So I worked worked worked to reach a simple goal: enough skills to play every damn instrument (except drums, which I programme) and make complete songs, instead of just a basic chordal structure with lyrics. I've been focussing on upping my production/arrangement game instead of being a chick "who sings in band" because she has a pretty face and a passable vocal texture. It helps a great deal that I'm blessed to have been working with someone who's worked with some of the best in the fucking world. When someone with that level of expertise pushes you and brings out the best in you well then you really have no excuse to not believe in yourself. Some of my older songs make me cringe so hard, I literally want to go back in time and un-write them. I like where all this new material is coming from, for both GT as well as the grunge project. They're strangely intimate, these songs make me feel rather naked. I've put it all on the table, this is who I am. My songs are possibly the only way to get through. Maybe, just maybe, to one person out there. One who will understand me and more importantly, love me slightly more than I love them.

I don't know if I'll ever record the songs with the grunge project, let alone play them live. It contains some of my most intimate thoughts and feelings so far and maybe the world won't even ever know about them but that's alright, I'm not here for bullshit reasons. I wrote these two songs called 'Ugly Girls' and 'Downer' which make me want to cry at my vulnerability and naivette. Is that a good thing or bad? I don't know.

The GT songs on the other hand are angry. Think about it, India has failed us as a country and nobody wants to do anything about it. Why not? What are we so afraid of?

Say My Name is for the youth. They must think. Now is not the time to settle for this b-grade society, the youth possesses the power to write history. Why must we forget?
The grunge project has some songs which I know people will either love or absolutely hate and whatever the reaction, I don't care. It's me, in my truest form. If the listener has a hard time accepting me then I can't really help it now, can I?

My one concern is the lack of women songwriters/producers in the country and I have this incessant need to reach out to young girls out there and tell them that it's okay to have an imperfect body, they are beautiful regardless. It's okay to be awkward and graceless. If someone as mediocre as me can be at peace with herself despite all the shit that life has thrown at me then so can anybody else. There are a few gems in the "scene" but somehow the number isn't multiplying as rapidly as one would think. Why would it, it's a nightmare to be a female musician in this country. You are judged, at every step. Anything you do and say will be held against you. You will be called a prude and a slut at the same time. You will be judged for your body and your face and nobody gives a shit about where your music is coming from. Some women have been trying to change that for quite some time now. They're my heroes and always will be. However, it's time I stepped up my game a little bit as well.
I've been working really hard since the release of In Technicolor and those who've been working with me have in fact complained that I need to chill the fuck out and take some time off sometimes.
My body feels broken. My head is in a perpetual haze. But lord knows how hard I've been working. I have nothing to prove to anyone, it will all show in my work.
Also, will people be able to handle a female perspective on sexuality and intimacy? I'm dying to test the waters, I feel no fear in being judged.

I will do my bit and raise some questions that matter. Anybody who questions my motives should get ready to apologise profusely to me, not for hating on me but for thinking I'm like everybody else.

I'm not.

I'm here for a reason and I will go gracefully when it's time.
I care about money and fame as much as a poor man cares for caviar. 

Love.

It's the only thing that keeps us alive, gives us a reason to live.
I'm a junkie and always will be.

I have experienced too many horrific acts of savagery and hate. I will not let this perpetuate.

It ends here with me. 

I will martyr myself for love.

For I know that it exists, it's right there in the future waiting patiently for me. 

Love.

It will tear me apart at every step. But I'm an obstinate person, I will keep going till I find it. I will embellish myself with all the experiences life has to offer along the way.

Love.

I believe in love.

I'm not afraid to express it.

For Pete's Sake, Fuck Me Right

Maxi Priest-Close To You

Lo Fidelity Allstars- Battleflag

The Dandy Warhols- Bohemian Like You

Marilyn Manson- Personal Jesus

Tv On The Radio- Satellite

Sneaker Pimps 6- Underground

The Rolling Stones- Rain Fall Down

Underworld-Sola System

Goldfrapp- Ooh La La

Groove Armada- I See You Baby

Iio- Rapture

Britney Spears- I'm A Slave 4 U

Air- Sexy Boy

Madonna- Justify My Love

Lenny Kravitz- I Belong To You

Justin Timberlake -Sexy Back

The Pixies- Where Is My Mind

Bryan Adams- Inside Out

Chris Isaak-Wicked Game

Deftones- Sextape

Broken Social Scene- Lover's Spit

Touch & Go- Straight To Number One

Nine Inch Nails-Closer

Led Zeppelin- Whole Lotta Love

You Were The Last High

"And I have known love like a whore,
from at least 10,000 more.
Then I swore when you were the last.
You were the last high"

And I lie awake in bed, recollecting snippets from the past. Well, sex, more precisely. It kills me to think that the intimacy I once found with someone will never come back in my life. What if 2014 was a sort of sexual peak? 
Everything went horribly wrong, but it does not take away from the fact that there was once a man who fucked me so hard, so proper that it left some permanent scars on my body and my head. It felt liberating, raw and most importantly, real. It felt like he was helping me slay the demons of my past by inflicting the cruelest acts of savagery. But the yin to the yang was the extreme moments of tenderness that we enjoyed sometimes. It was long, emotional, intimate. I don't even look for that intimacy anymore. 
What's the point.
Slap on some makeup, smile coyly.
Be a girl, flirt a little.
Show some skin, feign interest in their boring tales of conquest.
Even though I want to ask them to shut the fuck up and take their clothes off.
It's so easy to get laid.
But I don't want shitty sex.
I want what I had with him and just that.
And it's only because I know I can't have him.

My hormones are through the roof for some reason. Maybe because of the drugs? I seem to have this massive urge to swallow.It's been a while I sucked a man dry. The next person I fuck is going to get very, very lucky.
I wonder if my lovers reminisce as fondly as I do. Does A remember the blowjobs? (how else would you say it without sounding crude?) Lovers are the luckiest people on earth, those who have experienced the act of physical love. For A and me it was always very animalistic. With him there was this strange sort of comfort. I mean I actually liked blowing him. I had a vivid dream about the two of us in his car, fooling around and some. This wasn't uncommon for us. We fornicated like rabits. All the time. All the time. All the time.The antics of us deranged lovers included romps in the car, on rooftops, hotels outside the city, a fucking tent in the middle of nowhere and what not. It was different each time and strangely satisfying. I don't think I ever wanted him to pull out, on some of our god days. I really could write a novel on our sexual adventures. Unfortunately, It's all in the past now and that makes me sad.

I don't know if I'll ever find that connection with anyone else. Honestly, I don't even want to because the comedown is the worst, it hurts too much and I don't have the strength to do it all over again.

"you were the last high"

You know when I fuck the next guy, I'm only going to do it because my body needs it. I fell in love with you hard, harder than anything else in the world. To compensate I do my drugs now. Maybe if I do a lot of drugs, the pain will go away. 
I don't know.
This seems to be the only way out.
Fuck them all just because I can.
I don't care if that makes me a slut.

My heart is broken, my lover's made a whore out of me.