Is it fair to use someone as your muse and just that?

-why not honey, you're an artiste, you can do whatever the fuck you want to. Use them, abuse them. You have all the power. Greatness is a responsibility. Are you ready to handle it?

I fucked X and Y to rid me of my writer's block. That's all that there is to it. I am a bitch, yeah I am.

What to do.

My heart was broken by someone who promised me the moon and gave me hell instead.

He's in my head.

Like random shots from a movie, a porno.

Fuck me.

Fuck only me.

Fuck me like you do.

I want to scream. And cry. And orgasm.

But only you know how.

You know all the secrets hidden in my body.

It still bears testimony to your love and your hate. Some scars still remain, I run my fingers across them sometimes.

Me and you.

The last leg.

Hard.

Hard.

Hard.

Gentle.

Gentle.

Gentle. 

Push all the right buttons so I'm yours. I'm ashamed of dropping my guard so low. I'm yours. I'm yours to ravage. 

Don't tell me you love me when you don't mean it. 

You're not here.

You're not here to hold me,

Kiss me

Make love to me. 

 

You're not here when I need you the most.

Nobody's here.

I am all alone, trying to figure my life out. 

Replace me with someone else already.

I'm just another girl.

I'm just another fuck.

I'm just a passing phase.

I didn't mean anything to you, anything at all.

That's all that there was to it, wasn't it?

The promise of an 8 city/10 day tour and hopefully one outside the country next month is not sparking the kind of excitement as one would expect. 

I've been busy holed up in my room writing, which has made me completely oblivious to the fact that I need to start prepping for live gigs as well, it is nearly time. 

I enjoy this isolation and solitude for most parts because it's an exercise in controlling my sanity, or whatever is left of it. 

At 24, I realise that I've come a long way. I've won most of my battles with the past. I no longer have any demons to fight with, like I'm cancer-free after over a decade of struggle. 

There is something about this city and the people here that always helps me get back on track everytime I lose perspective of who I am and what I stand for. It is home. 

This dystopian world needs real role models, adults who are more adult than you and have their shit together. I feel incredibly lucky to have all these great souls to watch over me, guide me through my dark. It may sound rather melodramatic, but for the first time I'm in love with someone I should have loved right from the start. I am starting to fall in love with myself at last, after all these years of self-hate.

I have to cut myself some slack sometimes. It's perfectly alright to make mistakes, I'll learn as I grow. 

The important thing is to keep holding on.

Up.

That's the only way to go.

It'll not be very long before I finally get  what I want. I just have to want the right things.

"I have no charm.

Only crippling self-doubt.

Does it make you worried,

I'm so numb I won't scream or shout.

My legs feel so heavy.

But my socks, they match.

For your inflated ego,

I'm such a great catch.

You eye me like prey

And I play along.

I am ridiculously stupid when I'm drunk,

Forget my right and wrong.

Fall for the ugliest girl in the world and I'll show you, what love is.

My emotional bankruptcy 

Is a blessing in disguise.

My complete lack of self-respect 

Makes me immune to your lies.

You're so cold, baby, so cold

And I thought I was mean.

You keep me in the corner,

Where I cannot be seen.

Fall for the ugliest girl in the world and I'll show you, what love is."

"Fall for the ugliest girl in the world and I'll show you, what love is.

It's always the ugly ones,

It's always the lonely ones,

It's always the crazy ones that care"

-Ugly Girls, Untitled Project.

Two, Four

Three days of constant drinking, some rare moments of sobriety in between.

Since when did I start doing neat shots? Oh well, it's my birthday. Anything goes. Cheers to me.

Let's call the dealer one more time.

It's on me.

Everyone is wired.

Everyone is wired.

Everyone is wired.

A few hours later we're on a massive group comedown of sorts. Let's drink some more then.

Party's not over yet. 

One more day.

I like the company. Few people. No drama. My boys pretty much put everything together for me because I'm busy being a hot mess.

But I fix my face, wear some nice clothes for a change. Colour my hair blue, atleast it turned out well. See, everything is not so bad.

Snort some.

Snort some.

It's my birthday, go ahead you do a line as well.

Everybody snort, it's my birthday.

Bring out the guitars and play some music because that's the only thing we're good at.

23 was as rock n' roll as it gets.

Gotta get back to work now.

I'm 24, the party's over.