Dear Suzette,

Life is not easy when you're a woman, navigating through this dark tunnel where danger awaits you at every step. But you filled me with so much hope. You refused to let your tragedies define who you were. You were always a survivor, never a victim. 

All my life I've tried to look for the good in people, even though they have only shown me their dark. People do cruel things sometimes. I don't know why, but they do. I guess humans are cruel creatures. They become cruel in their drive to survive it all.

But you were everything I've always admired in a woman. You were a role model for young girls, teaching them grace and strength during times of extreme turbulence.

I've grown up believing in the power of balance, believing that's the way this universe works. But where is the balance this time? Where is the justice?

You fought like a brave, you fought hard, till your last breath. I cried myself to sleep the day you passed away. I cried like I would if I lost a loved one. I cried even though I did not know you at all. I prayed to the universe for justice, just that. 

Today, when I read about how the main suspect is still absconding, I couldn't understand why people were rejoicing because you finally got "your justice".

How is it justice when the men who stole your soul are allowed to live on earth? How is it justice when the media merely used you for their profit and dropped you as soon as you weren't a "trending topic" anymore? How is it justice when the primary accused still roams free? How is it justice if you're dead?

Maybe the world doesn't deserve people like you, you're too good for this world, this species. Maybe your justice was your death, your endless peace.

I feel broken.

I feel broken beyond repair at this point. All my ideals are falling apart and there's nothing I can do but live through it all, build an impenetrable wall around me so I'm safe forever.

When it gets too lonely, I'll sink into my abyss with music to keep me company. But I don't know for how long. I'm only 24, I wish I wasn't this jaded. 

Love,

S.

Bad Days, Worst Days

Where are you when I need you?
I try to find you in his eyes when he looks at me.
There is no kindness.
There is no admiration.
He doesn't even want me. I could be just about anybody.

I can't sleep. I keep picturing his face and how it changes as the heartache kicks in.
I break his heart because I've had mine broken.
My beautiful, innocent boy.
He is starting to fall in love with me, he says.
And here I am, running away, when all my life when I've looked for someone to love me.
Instead of running to him, I'm imposing myself on someone who doesn't want me.

I can feel my soul dying every single day.
Is this what growing up really feels like?

I get hurt if I don't grow, I hurt myself when I do.
Everything is a loop, only the form changes with time.

A young boy broke me over a decade ago.
But I've been broken again and again since.
I'm stupid, what else can I possibly say...