So Less, Soul-less.

I wonder if I'm going to turn into a full blown alcoholic by the time I'm 30 years old. I started my day with some rum and I'm ending it with the same. It's not normal, at least not for a 21 year old. I don't drink too much, I don't act too crazy when drunk. I act normal and that's rather unhealthy.

I drink because it helps me reach other people, or rather it helps them reach me. I can't seem to relate to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a loner, but I just can't seem to be able to open up to another person beyond a certain point, feel as though I know them and they know me.

It's terrible to feel so lonely, day in and day out.

Depression has always been the dominant part of my bipolarity. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Depression is not a feeling, it's a disease that eats away whatever little hope you have left inside you.
There are days when I don't feel like getting out of bed at all, so I don't. I stay in bed all day doing nothing but bawling, but why? I don't know. That's what depression is for me. It's that feeling of sheer helplessness which makes you want to do nothing but cry.

So I cry sometimes. I cry a lot. But that's only for me to see, it's a secret that I tuck away from the rest of the world.

And I think of the physical abuse.
And the shame.
And the self-loathing.
And the pain.
And the heartbreak.

And I cry some more.

I wonder if I had been this damaged had I not been raped a decade back.
I wonder all sorts of things.
To make that sinking feeling go away. But nothing I do seems to be enough and I land up sabotaging my relationships with all those who are close to me in some way or the other.

It is a vicious cycle of abuse in a way. It doesn't end. It will never end.

The Passenger

If I could run away from this dying city, I would.
I would run away and never come back.
Vultures. Maggots. Urban vermin.

Getting high doesn't make sense anymore.
I need a better escape plan, a more permanent one.

I am my own passenger.
I ride.
"I am the passenger
And I ride and I ride"