(pre) toothbrush

I notice the picture of him, a very young L with his grandparents , on his bedside table. I see it as he’s penetrating me, his thrusts deep and hard. He lets out his deep, guttoral sigh. I collapse and he turns me around to face him.

Is this what I expect from him, to magically read my mind?

As I lie on top of him, he tells me things. I ask him to teach me phrases in his mother tongue. I repeat the words enthusiastically like a parrot. I will forget immediately but I want to try.

“So it’s very similar to French” I exclaim.

*****

We resume watching our movie after dinner. I nurse my glass of red as he chugs his and lays on my lap. He’s watched it before so he knows how it ends. I’m craving for a cigarette but I’m trying to quit. It helps that he doesn’t smoke. Or maybe I use my cigarette as a way to disconnect and go sit outside on his balcony. 

It can get a little bit overwhelming sometimes, the vulnerability. 

*****

I wear his t-shirt and severely regret my decision to not wear any underwear to his apartment. I didn’t think I’d be staying over tonight but I feel tired and it’s quite late.

He gives me a toothbrush. Will I find it the next time I go stay over again? I don’t know. 

I don’t know anything. 

******

He’s like a child in a candystore as he spots the motobike on display at the restaurant we’ve dragged ourselves into. I didn’t quite pick him for an enthusiast but he rattles off tech specs like an expert.

“I like the colour. It’s pretty. Maybe we can come back when the place is closed and steal it?” I suggest

“Yes and then go pick up that painting you liked so much the other day”  he adds.

Excitedly, he takes out his phone and shows me pictures of his bike back home. I love how animated he gets when describing his happy memories. He’s absolutely adorable. 

************

“I can’t tonight. I’m meeting L”

“You mean your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. But I do really like him”

la mia pelle

There are tears in my eyes. I feel vulnerable and yet liberated at the same time. I hold on to him so tightly. 

who am I at this point.

He holds me in his arms and showers me with gentle kisses everywhere. I am overwhelmed. He collapses but doesn’t let go. 

There is a kind of comfort in his arms. I’m drawn to the way he smells, the way he tastes. After we’ve fucked and we’ve showered, I ask him to hold me as I shiver. It feels warm, I feel protected. 

He runs his hands down my body, my back and tries to find knots. I tell him he won’t find any so instead he gently suckles on my breast for a while before I tell him I’m hungry and need to eat. 

I toss and turn a bit at night. He falls asleep almost immediately. I think at around 5am, his alarm goes off and he shuts it off almost immediately. He leaves so silently that I don’t even notice he’s gone. 

I wake up and make the bed, brush my teeth as he emerges in his underwear.

“you were so quiet in the morning”

“I didn’t want to wake you...”

I kiss his face. 

This turned out to be a lot better than the last couple of days. 

He brings back a tender coconut with him after his walk for me to drink. So adorable. I don’t want him to be late for work and I keep checking the time.

Also, I’m still sleepy. I want to go home and nap for a bit on my bed. 

I guess fights can be good sometimes.