I Lie. Sometimes.

I was going through some of my posts in the past, only to start laughing. I lied. A lot of times. Just to make a few people concerned happy.
The truth is I never really loved, say, my ex boyfriend or any of the people I had a fling with. I'm sorry, but I guess I never let them understand because I pretended to so well.
I can be horribly manipulative at times. At all times, when I've been pretending to be the lamb, I've actually been a lion, waiting patiently for my prey to fall into my trap. I may have used some people to fulfill my own needs, told them everything they've wanted to hear and convinced them a cent percent that I am addicted to them. But like all humans, I lied. I lied well. Covered all my tracks like a serial killer. Not even for a moment did I deviate from the character that I was projecting myself to be. I was an actor. A damn good one that too. I am not ashamed. I don't have an aorta of regret in me for playing with them.
But to be fair, I only played around with those who had the same intentions towards me. So that sort of makes me a less of a bitch now, doesn't it? If men can play, women can too. Let's not forget that there is nothing more dangerous in the world than the fury of a wronged woman.
I feel a little lighter now that I have confessed.

Anyway, before anyone starts pointing fingers at my current relationship, let me tell you a secret. The reason why we're going so strong despite all the mud slung at us initially, is because we're in it for the real deal, the 'l' word and not because of fame, money, power etc.

Cheers!

Oh dear life!

Monday to Friday- Absolut with cranberry juice. Just one large drink.
Saturday and Sunday- Either the same or some JD with coke. One maybe two large ones, depending on how much money I can afford to spend.

Oh dear lord, are these early signs that point straight towards alcoholism?

This. That. Monster. Etc.

Realisation dawned upon me like a slap in the face a while ago. I just realised that the incredibly masochistic pattern that I underwent for years now was because of the monster. My theory is that I still haven't been able to resolve the conflicts in my head. So all this while, I was subconsciously punishing myself by purposely picking out people who resembled the monster in some way or the other and letting them destroy my sense of self worth. I'm not saying that this holds true for everybody, but most people,yes. I have purposely stifled my intuition in the past, as a result of which I have been able to break the cycle only recently.
The trauma of abuse is one that doesn't go away easily, if at all. I am still waiting for the day when it stops affecting me. Many would think of me as a sissy, who needs to "grow up and get over it". I wish it were that simple, I really wish it were.

But no matter how complicated (or rather fucked up) my thoughts can get, one thing that I know for sure is that I'm a survivor. I will hold my head high no matter what. Nothing can break me again. I'm no longer 12 years old, nobody can hurt me without my consent anymore. You know why?
Because I love myself too much to break again. I have a two very loving and understanding parents. A boy who loves me no less even on my worst days and a whole lot of other things to fall back on.

So hurl your obstacles at me, world. I will survive.