Every day I wake up,

Hoping it'll hurt less.

But it doesn't.

The sadness is neverending, continual.

What am I doing wrong?

I ask myself.

There is no answer.

I want to stay in bed and never get out.

But it feels tainted. 

It has witnessed far too much longing, loss.

Alone.

That's what I'll always be.

Big Long Now

I feel like I am overworked to death these days, which is why I need an outlet-getting high during whatever little free time I have.

This short detox is bringing in strange epiphanies. For me, weekdays are always more fun than weekends. The problem with the Calcutta clan is that since we look out for each other as a family, sometimes we tend to forget that we are all eccentric and our lifestyles and choices are not normal, ie, average.

I'm practically losing my mind trying to manage bookings for the band (so far we have not asked a single promoter/organiser/venue for gigs. They come to us, leading me to believe that it's more important to practise and create music than spend time hooking up gigs) along with writing guitar, keyboard, vocal parts for the new songs. All of this is taking a toll on me physically and I think it's time to hand over the management aspect of the band over to people who do it professionally. R and I have been doing this from the beginning but with all these gigs pouring in, we're both losing our minds trying to sort everything out. It doesn't help that people tend to take my being a woman for granted and just assume that I want to suck their dicks. As if. I have enough substance and I'm here to stay, I don't need to resort to cheap hookery antics to be heard.

For those constantly questioning my credibility, well I have nothing to prove to them. If there's anything that I've learnt in my 24 years of existence, it's that the universe works in mysterious ways. I don't expect things to be handed to me, I would rather work for it. If at 24 I don't have to take my clothes off and sell out and still be noticed, then I am probably on the right track. I just need to keep at it no matter how broken I may be from the inside.

It feels great to think that I have experienced so many moments of love and light in my journey so far. I don't want to be on the fucking cover of magazines. I'd rather play a song to twenty people and get them to see the world through my eyes.
Everybody's chasing all the wrong things and here I am, laughing at how short-sighted people really are. Nobody wants to look at the bigger picture. Good for me, less competition to deal with.

I spent the last evening getting drunk and then having a heart-to-heart with a few children outside a fancyass mall, nagging them to go to school during the day no matter how horrible they may feel about it. For them I was another human with short lived compassion-something that they're used to, but for me it was a learning experience. People with so little, yet so happy to just be alive. I don't like talking about my relationships with those worse off than me-be it humans or animals because compassion is not something you boast about, it is something that should be ingrained in all the cells of your body. The strange irony is how people treat me though, how poorly they think of me. Or rather how they don't think about me at all.

But that's alright. It doesn't matter. Life is unfair, some people are cruel. My greatest fear is becoming one of them-heartless. I think I really will pull the trigger the day that happens.

Hopefully in the next two years, I will finally muster the strength to leave all of this behind and go live in a yoga camp to purify and enhance my soul. That is something I've been wanting to do for quite some time now. I don't want to headline festivals if it comes at the cost of having my heart broken over petty people and things over and over again. The reality is strange, disillusioning. It's not what I want-the fame and the glory.

One day when I'm at the peak of my career, I shall walk away from it all and dedicate myself to the opening of my kundalini. But not through drugs, through meditation and celibacy.

I am done having rubbish sex. I am done looking for love. Every blow has made me stronger and I'm not going to let mediocrity satiate me.

I want bigger things in life, from life.

I won't back down till I find it.

We Dance Alone-Beck

"Darker.

We dance alone this way.

It's getting darker.

We dance alone this way."

Not all memories were bad. Some were only full of love, endless love. I try and replay them in my head when I go to bed.
Love/sex.
Sex/love.
Like a drug.

Your body against mine.
Swaying together.
Brain imploding on drugs.
We dance.
Feeling you so close to me.
Hungry.
Hungry to get inside me once more.
Eager.
Eager to be consumed by you.

Stay indoors.
Never leave the room.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Set a record, top the last one.

We're on the bed.
My head's sliding off the edge.
Ecstasy.
You see it in my eyes, don't you?

I picture your face, drowning in pleasure.
You're in me.
You want to stay in me forever.

You mark my skin.
The scars remain long after you're gone.
For future lovers to see, back away.
Tainted skin.
Bearing testimony to the extreme pleasure once experienced.

Hard.
Soft.
You know every inch of my body.
I know every bit of yours.
Secrets we'll take to our graves.
Of the winter and the summer of extreme pain.
And extreme pleasure.
Six different places, over two years.
Six million orgasms, over.