Big Two Three, etc etc

I turned 23 years old yesterday. It was more eventful than my 22nd at least. There was a highly potent rum-punch and no Honey Singh music in shady nightclubs. I had a few close ones over. I got my guitar after months and months of an agonizing wait. I stayed up all night, long after everyone was gone, playing my heart out.

People wished me luck, wished me well. It was all very nice. I got a few unexpected wishes along the way as well, which genuinely made me very happy.

Familiarity sometimes is a great thing. It brings comfort to the broken heart. It brings relief.

But today is not a special day anymore. I am back to my reality. My birthday is over.

This past year has been eventful for me. I've scaled new heights and I've sunk to new lows. I gathered the courage to meet the Monster. He was just like I remembered from 10 years (11 actually) ago. But he seemed shorter (or did I grow tall since the last time?), he seemed unsure of himself, he was no longer suave and charming. Heck, if he asked me out today, I probably wouldn't even have given him a second chance. It was so hard to imagine that this man, now 27 (or 28?) years old caused me so much pain, damaged me so badly. I felt nothing for him. I felt sorry for him. I didn't feel attracted to him anymore.

A decade and many guys later, I can safely say that I am no longer afraid of him. I no longer need him to validate my existence. I was a stupid child but I've grown up since. I've grown up enough to know that it wasn't my fault. I was a victim, yes. But I will not let that define who I am. I will not let him define who I am.



So 10 years later when I met another man, who reminded me in so many ways of him, I knew I was taking a big risk. Everything was a blur. I wanted a fling. He wanted love. I wanted love. He wanted himself. After two months of talking to everyone around me, but never me, he sent me a fancy package out of nowhere to compensate for all the things he put me through. I thought to myself if this is what I had become over the years-someone who accepts gifts from people who leave them feeling betrayed just because it's a good gift. I asked myself how I could still love someone who never loved me in the first place. This was the exact same mistake I made 10 years ago. Why was I stuck in the same loop? Between involving all my friends and close ones, he made one fundamental mistake which gave him away-especially to people close to me, who care about me. He would always talk about himself, what he was going through, how lost and lonely and confused he felt. It was never about me, it was always about him. Him, him, him, him. Me, me, me, me. I, I, I, I. Never a we, never a her.
He tried calling me to wish me from various numbers yesterday I think. I wish I didn't have to be so cruel but sometimes you have to break someone's heart to mend yours. Where was this desperation during the last couple of months? Where was this love? This affection?

I've learnt, over the years, that most people will not be nice to you. They will be cruel, selfish and unkind. But I must never do to them what they do to me. It is wrong and it makes me no better than them. Just the same. I forgive but that does not mean that I will forget. I must never forget.
If you let someone hurt you once, it's their fault but they do the same again and again, it's becomes your fault.


So anyway, I'm breaking my silence today, despite my closest army of friends advising me otherwise. I think it's time to salvage whatever little dignity that is left of this situation.





Dearest A,

You say you're hurting, but do you know why? Do you know what causes the knot in your stomach, the lump in your throat and the sinking feeling in your heart? Is it because you miss me or is it because you feel hurt and rejected? Do you know the difference?
You may lie to the whole world, make me the villain to your tragic love story, but can you lie to yourself? Can you sleep well at night knowing that you did what you did with me, without thinking of its consequence?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was in love with you too and that every time you hurt me, especially over little things, I let it go? I gave you the benefit of doubt. I gave you a chance and another one and another one after that. I kept giving it another shot. Hoping that somehow you'd change. Somehow you'd stop making excuses instead of taking responsibility for the things you did wrong instead of hiding them under the carpet. But you didn't mend your ways. You merely took my being away for granted, made your excuses bigger and grander. Even today you're still the same, you're just trying to convince the world how you have been wronged, but have you really been wronged?

Do you know what it's like to be crushed by the one you love? Do you know what it feels like when someone goes out of their way to make you fall for them and then proceed to act so indifferent, so cruel?

I'm a simple girl. I have very basic needs. I don't want a man who'll bombard me with fancy gifts. I don't want a man who is rich and successful. Or even educated and well-read. I want someone who loves me and is as devoted to me as I will be to them. I want a man who doesn't make me feel insecure. I have the whole world doing that to me. I just want someone who'll treat me gently, who'll be kind. Someone who'll coax me out of my depression instead of letting me waste away.

I have been in and out of love and it's never worked out well for me. The first person I loved raped the fuck out of me. The second person I loved died. The third person I loved chose our work and friendship over our relationship and the last one was you.

Just like you, I had dreams about us as well. I thought I was happy and I thought I had the right to dream. But hey, just my luck, nothing ever works out for me. So after a long period of crying myself to sleep every night thinking about how we made love and how I let you inside the deepest corners of my heart, I sort of just gave up on you. The love we made was beautiful. Our kisses were special. I felt alive when you touched me.
Sometimes I also let you be cruel to my body. I figured if you scratched my back, spanked me really hard till my butt had imprints of your palm on them and bit my breasts, you wouldn't be cruel to me in real life. I thought you'd be as nice to me otherwise as aggressive you were with me in bed. I submitted to you. I gave it my all. I made love to you with every cell in my tiny and frail body. But I guess you never saw things from my perspective. I guess you never will. I have worked really hard over these last few years to restore my pride, my sense of self. I was broken beyond repair during my adolescence and I thought you'd understand how fragile I really am instead of me screaming it out to you. It took a lot of effort and determination on my part to not break down and cry in front of you. I didn't want to leave a bad taste in your mouth. I didn't even want your love. I loved you, without expecting anything in return.

It took a lot of courage for me to drop everything and run away with you from the rest of the world. Be it the drug-trips or the actual travel. I did a lot of things with you which I was saving to do with my Prince Charming. I thought you were the one. But my Prince Charming cannot be someone who hurts me everytime he doesn't get his way. If he is, well then, I don't have much to live for. All my beliefs are lies. Why did you set me up for such heartbreak? What wrong did I ever do to you? I was committed to loving you and just you.

There was an evening, long time back, when I had first told you that I was moving back home, away from you. You tried to talk me out of it, but being the stubborn person that I am, I did not listen. You probably won't remember but we started to make out sitting on a bench shortly after and you kept getting more aggressive, you bit my lip harder, held me by the neck as your other hand slipped inside my t-shirt and squeezed my breasts. It was fine at first, but you just kept getting more forceful. You pinched my nipples so hard that they hurt and it wasn't a good kind of pain. There was a scar on my chin from the sucking and my breasts felt sore, like somebody had just beaten me black and blue. I am no stranger to finding pleasure in pain. But this was pain of the humiliating kind. I knew you were upset about me leaving and that was probably you venting it out on me without even realising. I teared up a little sitting right next to you that day. I felt so shaken. How could a man who seemingly loved me so much be so cruel to me? So indifferent towards my feelings? You probably couldn't understand why and how you made me feel so, so cheap and so I let it go. Days passed by as did months and moments similar to that one came and went. I didn't think it was a big deal eventually. I blamed myself for not being open enough, for being insecure. I thought I was letting my baggage from my past burden my relationship with you. But why was it that I was always blaming myself and never you?
Because that is what love is about-blind adoration for someone even though they are the ones who are wrong.

You may think that the worst you've ever done to me is slap me during our acid trip together. But that wasn't it. The worst thing you did to me was to break down my sense of self.
After I lost my virginity quite tragically, I saved a few things for the right man when he came along. I thought it was you. I went ahead and rid myself completely of all inhibitions, just to make you happy. I assumed you'd do the same by showing me some mercy and some dignity. After all, I wasn't asking for much from you. I wanted you to be kind to me, I wanted you to be truthful to me.

Lies, some white and most completely unnecessary caught up with us. If you sow the seeds of a relationship based on lies, how can it grow? How can it blossom?

I don't know why I have such bad karma when it comes to love. I have loved and loved with all my heart, but I haven't been loved back the way I'd like to be. I guess the fault lies in me. Maybe I wasn't good enough for you. Maybe I wasn't adequate to calm your roving eye. It's okay. I'm not perfect. I guess one day I'll find me a man (or woman) who will love me for who I am and be satisfied with me and not explore options while still with me.

Do you know how bad it felt when I saw you hug some random girl who you didn't even know, before my gig?  It probably wasn't a big deal for you. You probably don't even remember. But it really hurt me. Your incessant need to be overtly friendly with members of the opposite sex may be a good thing, but it made me feel so inadequate, like a defective toy that the owner doesn't really care about and infact searches for newer, better toys to play with. In my (then) 22 years of existence, I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. I've never had to try so hard to get someone's attention.
Out there in the desert, if you had seen me do the same, how would you feel? Would you let it go, thinking you're reading too much into it? No,you'd probably fuck the shit out of me, take your anger out on me. Like you did so many times.
In the car. On the roof. In a hotel. On my bed. On your bed. On the floor. In your friends' home.
I never said no. No matter how degraded I felt.

Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have put my foot down.
Like the time we were vacationing together and you woke me up one morning wanting to have sex when I didn't. I didn't say no even though I didn't want to wake up and fuck. But I wanted you to be happy above all else. So I didn't firmly say no. I played along, like I was fine. I figured these are some of the things you need to do to keep your partner happy and your relationship going strong. Why is that I was making all these unspoken compromises and not you?

I know you probably don't even realise what a flirt you are. It's not your fault. It's who you are. You have an unnecessary need to please everybody around you, especially members of the opposite sex. I've met loads of boys like you. I say boys because men don't make their partners feel bad about themselves, inadequate somehow. But I didn't realise you were one to fall in that category. It appeared that all the beautiful things you said you me, you said to a hundred others. All the wonderful things you did for me, you'd do for a hundred others.

You were always special to me. I was never special to you. The only difference between me and the other girls was that I was letting you fuck me, not them. I always thought of myself as some rather broad-minded when it came to relationships. I believe I still am. But my ego does not permit me to be with a man who doesn't make me feel good about myself. Someone who makes me feel insecure and unnecessarily jealous.

All these days of us not being in touch, you went to everybody I know and told them of your heartbreak. But why not me? You tried calling me from different numbers yesterday, but where was that desperation a few weeks back when I was forced to block you? Where was that love? If you were hurting so badly why is it that you never called me from another number, sent me a message or an email or a letter?
You didn't want to wish me yesterday. You just needed and excuse to talk to me and hear my voice. If you really did want to wish happiness and joy for me, you could have atleast sent me a message from the numerous numbers you were calling me from. It wasn't about me. Even on my birthday, it was about you. Your needs.

I'll tell you where your love for me was, for all these months. It never existed in the first place. You mistook lust and sex for love. I wish you didn't have to drag me down with you though. I was perfectly happy being lonely before I met you. Now I'm heartbroken and lonely.

I've decided to stop dating, having sex and meeting new people for the time being. It hasn't done me any good, case in point being you. I need to stop being so involved and invest so much time on other people. I need to focus on myself and my needs for a change. I risked everything for you and it sort of blew up on my face. It doesn't make sense to fall in love so easily and subsequently lose my will to live.

Thank you for your birthday gift. I can't accept it. I haven't opened it yet although I know what's inside. Everytime I look at it, it just makes me feel like you're buying my forgiveness with things. It hurts that you chose to send me a generic, impersonal gift. After all that we've been through, you don't even know what makes me happy and what doesn't. If you want me to forgive you, then you should just ask. I've been told that I have a big forgiving heart. I can't hate people even if I wanted to. You need not have given me something for my birthday to compensate.

I've forgiven you in any case. You don't have to buy me gifts for that. I am not the one to hold grudges. I've forgiven you even though you're not even sorry. But it's okay. Maybe you'll be a better person someday, as you grow older.

I hope you find love and I hope you find peace. I wish you all the luck and happiness. May you only experience good things. But please don't hurt someone without reason. It's not right.


I fell in love with you and never quite out of it. I hope I have been able to leave myself behind inside of you in some small way. I hope you read this someday. Or maybe you wont. Don't read too much into it, I have a knack for saying things as they are and hate mincing my words.
The first time I trusted you completely, I let you make love to me. I let you enter me. I let you go where no man has ever been before because I thought my dreams were coming true. But now it feels like a long forgotten afternoon that amounted to nothing but heartbreak for me. Anyway, my feelings don't matter to anyone. So I keep them locked in a jar-away from everybody.

I feel really bad. I turned out to be the loser in your game. I opened up to you like no other. I am a very private person. I don't like letting people in. But I made an exception for you. I wish you'd understand how hard it has been for me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart that you've left behind.
The scars on my body still exist. Some of them are quite prominent too. I feel ugly and unwanted when I see my body in the mirror now. I feel like trash which has been used and discarded by someone. These are the exact same feelings that I felt 10 years ago. So you see how gravely disappointed I am, with myself?
I don't blame you for making me feel this way. I brought this upon myself. I should have known better than to trust you so much. I'm a fool you see. I'm a fool when it comes to love.

All these days, weeks, months of not talking to you, I was still hoping for some kind of a sign to show me that you really cared. I thought you'd do something to sweep me off my feet, make me love you again. I didn't want a hundred people constantly tell me how much you were missing me. I wanted you to tell me. I wanted you to convince me. I wanted you. It was always you. But I was never the one.
I'd wake up every morning hoping that maybe you'd call, or write me a letter, or send me a message. But you never made that extra effort. I guess I asked for too much.


Thanks for everything.I can't forget all the great moments we've spent together. They've changed me as a person. I really hoped you wouldn't break my heart. It's okay though. I don't want any bad blood between us. I'll love you like a memory never to be forgotten. Being with you has taught me to risk everything for the one you love. Sure it may not work out the way you want it to. I'm still an optimist and even though it'll be a long time from now that I can start trusting people again, let them in like I did with you. I still don't have any regrets because I know that I loved you without prejudice, with all my heart.


Always in love, but will never say it out loud again.
S.