"But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint
And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud
You don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be me"
-Tom Petty
Over the last 40 years, there has been a 794% increase in the number of rape cases in India, and that mind you is just a small figure because the majority of rapes and molestation incidents never find a voice and are thus never reported, they remain etched as horror stories in the minds of the victims. And it saddens me. It really saddens me when a victim blames herself for what has happened to her, like she was asking for it.
Rape is not just a physical act, there's more to it than that. One can recover from the physical trauma, but the pain that one goes through mentally is not so easy to deal with. Rape plants seeds of negativity and vulnerability so deep in your mind that you can't even imagine. If you're one of the lucky few who have been able to come to terms with it, congratulations to you, but I know for a fact that it's something that you can never really get over, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you can.
I CHOSE to get over it, talk about and help others out instead of keeping my feelings bottled up inside me and blaming myself for whatever happened. I tell myself that 'what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger' but there are times when I feel like getting so high that I feel numb, I want to reach a point where nothing bothers or affects me anymore. That point when I'm thus invincible and no one or nothing can harm me anymore. Such thoughts of forced detachment and self posed exiles however, are too Utopian, too unreal, it's not practical. I can't just wake up one fine day and let go off all my sorrow, it's been planted too deep in my mind. It doesn't work that way.
But having said that, I would consider myself lucky, I've had therapy and music guide me, help me sort things out and change my perspectives on quite a few things. But even then, nothing seems to be enough, there seems to be no remedy. I've spent my all my adolescence getting high and indulging in mindless activities, but nothing seems to fill this void that's been etched into my soul. I still feel so hollow, so empty.
Today, in particular, I'm missing my childhood a great deal. It's probably been the best part of my life-uncomplicated, wholesome and full of fond memories, probably because today is Children's Day and I feel so guilty cause I've let the child inside me die.Yes, I killed the child in me, I'm a bloody murderer.
So this is probably life's way of getting back at me, I'm 20 now, I have no perspective on where my life is headed, I have no idea what I want from my life. I have no connect with what brings me pleasure and what is it that really makes me happy. So I play a charade with myself every day and with each passing day, I convince myself that this really is me, since I'm starting to get so good at it, suppressing the nagging thoughts which remind me that my conviction isn't based on something that is real.
But what am I but a mere human being, I break down sometimes, like now, when the pressure of getting my act together all the time really gets to me. It's not an easy job to do, trust me. It's exhausting to constantly act strong, when you know how vulnerable you really are inside.
It's funny how one incident triggers so many reactions. Something that happened almost 8 years ago, still makes me want stop everything and just lay down and cry sometimes, like now.
I'm ashamed of what I've become, a soulless, hollow person with no purpose in life. I've become so good at isolating myself from people and things that it's reached a point where I've even managed to isolate myself from me.
And hence the question still remains, who am I?
You'll never know what it's like to be me. You don't know how it feels...
(I've been listening to the theme song of the 'Tale Of Two Sisters' on loop while writing this, this is one of the most beautiful pieces I've heard recently, please do give it a shot:
Also, there's this song by my favourite singer-songwriter in Kolkata, Neel Adhikari based on this theme, listen to it, it's beautiful, nevermind the crappy video though:)
