Queen Of Pain

When nobody gave a second glance,

You held my hand tight.

I tried to run away.

But you held me with all your might.

When I was blinded by my tears,

You became my eyes.

You helped me move on

From the deceit and the lies.

When my soul was left shattered

And they all turned away.

Just to see me smile,

You tried day after day.

Weary and broken,

I had not the slightest will to live.

You showered me with love

And gave me all that was there to give.

My shelter from the storm.

My umbrella in the rain.

For you I've had to forfeit my crown

As the queen of pain.

Oh god, I'm getting tired of random people hitting on me ever since they got to see that my relationship status had changed to 'single', on Facebook. I mean being hit on all the time is a good thing, it gives a boost to one's morale. But when you know that they only want to fuck you, it becomes annoying. In fact annoying isn't quite the word, nauseating is.

I wish I could tell the world what am I really going through.

I wish I could ask them all to back-off.

I'm so happy right now that it's not funny, I'm like a 5 year old kid high on sugar products. I'm full of hope, inner-peace, positivity and joy. Only I know why...I wish I could tell them too...But I'll keep shut this time...

This Is Why

I'm experiencing a mad mad mad rush of adrenaline. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't do anything. I'm as distracted as a 5 year old dyslexic boy and I can't stop thinking about that one person and that one person only.

It's crazy.

I'm going crazy.

I'm going ABSOLUTELY stark raving mad crazy.

But I love this feeling.

It's perfect.

I'd never want it to go away.

Taurean

It's him.

He's the one.

This run and hide, this hide and seek is getting me high.

I'm an addict.

Addicted to him.

His eyes don't lie.

His embrace is not selfish.

I want him.

But more than that, I need him.

My angel of salvation.

My mirror to myself.

Empty minds.

Naked noise.

Pretty girls.

Horny boys.

Take your eyes off of me.

You don't deserve me.

Anymore.

I am. I am. I am. I am the whore.

Because I'm Too Lazy To Organize My Thoughts...

1. I'm a lazy person. Correction, I'm a VERY lazy person. The words order and discipline do not exist in my dictionary.
2. Grammar and spelling abuse irritate the crap out of me. No it's NOT cool to spell the word as "kool", "cul", "kewl" or the likes. Also, anywayS is not a word, anyway is. The same goes for "tuition teacher", your teacher cannot teach you tuition, thus making him/her your TUTOR. Ugghh!!
3. But that goes for my mother tongue as well. I dislike people who think they're being smart by not being able to read or write their mother tongue. It's stupid and it shows what an ass you are. I'm quite ashamed of not having a very huge vocabulary and contrary to popular belief, I enjoy reading Bankimchandra as much as I enjoy reading Kafka.
4. You may call me a geek or a snob based on the two points above, but that's okay I'd never change this about myself. I love to learn and explore and read. If THAT makes me an "anteal" (Bengali word for pseudo-intellectual) then that's not really my problem, the problem is yours-the one labeling me.
5. I love the monsoons so much that it's not funny. Yesterday, the city experienced the first shower and it was mesmerizing to say the least. I let the raindrops catch me and cast their spell on me, I can still feel the drops soaking into my skin. The rain makes me fall in love over and over again.
6. Yes, I am a die-hard romantic. Not the chocolate and flowers kind, but a romantic and a sensual person on the whole. Romance mind you, is a state of mind, don't confuse it with mush and infatuation. Sensuality is NOT sexuality. Anything can be sensual, sensuality is passion, it can burn for anything...
7. I give a 100% to things usually, or I don't do them at all. I don't like half-baked goods. Be it in a relationship or an activity. If I don't feel others reciprocate, I turn the other way and start a new journey. I'm like that. I can't hang on to something when there's no hope. I guess my last relationship tanked primarily because of this reason.
8. Once I'm gone, it's very hard, if not impossible, to bring me back. I have moulded myself to get over tragedies very quickly, you may call it my defense mechanism, but that's the way I am. Like I've said before, hit me once and I shall heal, but hit me again and I shall go away and never come back.
9. I have a bad habit of remembering things, even when I don't want to. Especially events and random images, unless I'm drunk and passed out This leads me to a lot of heartache at times. I'm learning to live with it. Everybody is flawed. I'm no exception.
10. I don't care about looks or physical attributes, but I'm a sucker for good hair. I love my hair *touches wood* and I have a fixed salon where I get it done from. Though it's really far away from where I stay and it costs me a bomb, but it does not matter. I can't go elsewhere. If the fire at Park Street would have got to it too, I would have died. I'm serious man!!
11. I'm NOT a "cool" or "fun-loving" person/ I'm a bum and I'll always be a bum which is why I always make friends with fellow bums. Heh. I love them for who they are.
12. I would like to believe that I am a friendly and a highly tolerant person. Many people tell me that I look like a snob, but I can't help it, I'm hardly a snob. I like almost all kinds of people. But posers make me want to put a bullet through my head.i have to tolerate a few of them but I do NOT like them. If you know me personally then you know who all I'm talking about! ;)
13. (I'll end it here) I like to blame my procrastination and laziness on the weather. It's the weather in Kolkata I tell you, makes me want to stay in bed the whole day and not move a muscle. It's the weather, I swear!

Learn and Teach

Teach me how to keep you happy.

I'll learn.

I'll keep you happy.

I can see it in your eyes.

I can see myself in your eyes.

You know how I feel.

You know how I feel.

You know how I feel.

The yin and the yang.

Be the yin and I'll be the yang.

Teach me and I'll learn.

But keep it a secret.

Our secret.

The world doesn't need to know.

Not All Endings Are Happy

Yesterday's gig with !Banned I can safely say was a disaster. Apart from the obnoxious acoustics, the energy just wasn't right and I learnt that if there are problems brewing in the band, they surface on shows as well, you can't hide them under the carpet.

Maybe it wasn't that bad a show and I am being overtly critical but it's frustrating. A bad gig is as frustrating as studying day in and day out only to screw up in your examinations, if not worse. Music is something that comes from within and so it's very very frustrating when things don't go right.

Also, I was laughing at how people have just assumed that Pseudonym is breaking up just because Black Ninja is quitting and Drummer Kaku got shipped of to Bombay. The show must go on my friend, a new drummer, a new bass player, new songs maybe...the point here being that it's not over, it's far from being over infact.

This blog is starting to frustrate me, I started writing because I needed an outlet. not to be politically correct at all times. I hate having to censor myself. I hate how I have to think and re-think about what I choose to put here instead of just going with the flow.

I guess these are the drawbacks of my new-found "popularity", which by the way is no longer my worst nightmare now.

I was always under the impression that I'd get swayed by the nice things that people tell me, but I was wrong, my biggest enemy is inconsistency and laziness. I am partially back to gigging and I can just feel not being able to perform to my fullest potential. It's VERY VERY frustrating, even MORE frustrating than a bad gig! I need to practise....a lot! *sigh*

The Day The City Died.

The fire at the Stephen Court in Park Street, Kolkata on Tuesday reinforced the fears of the fragility and instability of life in me all over again. We may feel invincible, but we're not. We're so weak when put to test against nature's wrath and destiny.

The chef at the Bridge was giving us a first hand account of the experience during our post-gig dinner at Somep last night and it gave me goosebumps to say the least.

Dude, it's friggin PARK STREET! I LOVE Park Street! It's almost like my third home, my favourite fine dining restaurant, my favourite eating joint, my favourite salon, my favourite bar, my favourite place to shop, my favourite bookstore and even my "workplace"-it's all in Park Street... a part of me died reading about the fire in the newspaper and even worse watching the news on television.

My heart goes out to all those who've lost someone, my heart goes out to all the victims and for those who fell victim to the diaster, may their souls rest in peace.

Amen.

AND yes, I hope that the incompetent, the corrupt and the sloth-filled firemen/police go to hell for not trying hard enough. I'm sure not all were least bothered but you have to admit, a lot of them weren't. I hope they die a painful death and suffer a similar fate. Dude, if you don't have it in you to be a hero and save someone else instead of worrying about your own safety then do the public a favour and DON'T join such forces, take up a 9 to 5 job instead. Bloody bastards.

End Day/ Day's End

Being broken up has reignited the flame that burned in me at one point of time, the flame that made me, well, Suyasha.

A lot pf people have a lot of opinions it seems, but it's only during a bad phase that you know who your friends are. I KNOW who my friends are. There were some who I thought would be there to keep me company but I was mistaken, they were only around for the sake of it, that's okay, I give a shit to them anyway.

BUT there are those who've exceeded my expectations and how. Some have just made me want to cry in gratitude. Like for instance, last night during the gig, Rockstar boy dropped in just to give me a hug and ask me if I was doing okay, before reassuring me that everything would be fine. Sometimes that ALL you need, just a hug and some reassurance. Yes, my life may lack a lot of things now, but I'm good. It's all good, there's so much more to look forward to in life as well.

It's a little annoying however, how I can't really express myself the way I want to here because of professional reasons and the fact that too many unwanted people read this, I'm trying to get used to the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too at all times. It's alright. It's all good.

And another thing that I will NOT do here is bitch about my now ex-boyfriend. He may be flawed, but I'm flawed too, nobody's perfect and everybody has their shortcomings. I cannot resort to cheap publicity by bringing him down, I don't need that and I'm not that kind of a person. I would not like to comment on "leeches" as well, every social circle consists of them and talking about them would only give them importance. SO if you're expecting stuff to gossip about, then you're mistaken my friend.

The Pseudo gig last night was the last gig with the current lineup and I feel a little heartbroken somehow. Drummer Kaku is off to Bombay for a month and by the time he's back, Black Ninja won't be here anymore. I'll miss drummer kaku but he will be back eventually, so I can seek consolation in that, but Black Ninja quitting is just too much. I mean I love music and playing with your best friend is one of the best thing's that I could hope for, too bad it'll come to an end, but then again, everything happens for a reason. I WANT him to grow as a musician and make me proud. I want his priority to be music, always. Pseudo may have brought us together but it's not like we'll stop being so close once he leaves!

So like I just mentioned, everything happens for a reason, generally for the better. Whatever is happening in my life right now is because of a reason. I just need to hold on to it right now and wait and watch patiently what lies in store for me in the future!

The End.

I've been single and horribly mindfucked for what, 1 day now and the barrage of people sympathizing with me just to hook up with me is just not funny...it's amazing how insensitive people can get at others' misery and the extent to which they will stoop to, to get attention.

It's nauseating.

I can't smoke pot, or anything because it's bad for my throat. But I've been drinking every waking minute just to shut the feelings out. Does it work? I don't care, it distracts me, that's good enough for now. I singlehandedly murdered the one exam which I thought I'd do well in, but that's okay. That's the price that I've had to pay for taking a stand. It's okay. Time heals all wounds.

But this relationship taught me how vulnerable and how fragile I really am. I've had to bear a lot of hurt and a lot of pain, yet strangely I felt comforted thinking of how we always made up after a fight. However, that just doesn't happen all the time.

I'm a very caring and a very loving person, I give everything that I have when I make a commitment BUT that does not mean that I shut my eyes to how I'm being taken for granted and how I'm not being treated right.

Anyway, I''m still in a lot of pain, not because it's over but because I feel strangely empty now. I love Retard a little too much to get over him. But I hope he moves on just fine, I KNOW he'll move on just fine. Despite everything, I'll only keep the good memories and flush out the bad ones. I want to remember him as the boy who made me laugh, not the one who'd make me cry.

So here's something (cheesy, very) that I'd like to sum this up with:

Time warps itself

into a monster

that we thought was "meant to be"

But I'm not "the one"

I never was.

I'm so ordinary.

After an ocean of love came

a series of heartbreaks and

a chain of melancholy

You tried too much to make me.

I tried too hard to obey

And be something that I wasn't meant to be.

But that's okay my babe,

The sorrow will be forgotten

Only the good times I'll keep in my memory.

I'll never forget the look in your eyes.

I'll never forget the way you kiss.

They'll be our precious jewels locked in a treasury.

Despite what you did.

Despite what you may do,

I've always had, I always have

And I always will, I'll always love you...

(Fucked up punctuation, whatever!)

"I'm in love...and always will be..."

But that doesn't give you the right to treat me like you do all the time.

Hurt me once, it'll heal.

Hurt me again, I'll crawl into my shell.

I won't come out till you coax me to.

I won't come back till you prove to me that you love me.

But I'll love you the same.

I wont be with you till you give a good reason why I should be with you in the first place.

Divide And Fool.

I'll bring him home one day.

Get him drunk on expensive alcohol.

Make him follow me into my bedroom.

Take his clothes off, one by one.

I'll make him take mine off as well.

I'll caress his firm torso with my fingers.

And gently kiss his lips.

And his mouth.

And his neck.

And his mind.

And his soul.

Till he can't hold his feelings back any longer.

Till he can't get me out of his head.

I'll go where no woman in his life has gone so far.

I'll take him with me as I fly.

I'll bring him down if he lets go of me.

I want him.

I may not need him, but I want him nevertheless.

I always get what I want.

Should he be intimidated or flattered by me?

He wouldn't know.

I'd never tell him.

I'm the goddess of his dreams-virginal and pure.

I don't want to burst his bubble.....so soon.

Earthquake

You're just a memory

Rotting away in the crevices of my mind

You're all the things that pull me down.

You're all the ties that bind.

You're only in my head

You're my make-belief bliss.

You're just a lonely tear.

You're just a lost kiss.

So many things I've lost.

So many things I've won.

One of these days, I'll come undone.

As perfect as perfect can be,

You're the cause of my down fall

You're the one who wont let me grow.

You're the one who wont let me stand tall.

You're just a manipulator.

You're just the puppet-master.

On your commands I sway.

You make my heart beat faster.

You played with my life.

You played with me for fun.

And now, I've come undone....

"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.."

-Francis Bacon

Make Love My Friend, Not War.

I want your embrace,

once again,

because this time I wont let go.

I know you wont say the words.

I know you wont mean them even if you do.

That's okay,

I've been through much worse.

You own me now.

Make me dance on your fingers,

it's all good.

I know you can lie through the storm.

I know you'll fool me every single time.

That's okay,

I'm not a child anymore.

Harlequin

The darkness fell on her face,

The darkness of her endless goodbyes,

As I lost myself yet again

Looking into her eyes

I watched her as she fell

I watched her well.

Her flaming red eyes,

filled with despise.

Like a lamb, I was her prey.

She tortured me night and day.

She was always on my mind.

And then she left me behind,

her heart.

I fell in love.

I fell in love.

I fell in love.

And she was gone...

Death of A Dreamer.

Sometimes I need to stop, think and cry. I may feel better, but most of the time the heartbreak and the heartache remains constant, it doesn't really go away. I surround myself with people, but at the end of the day, I'm still an outcaste.

I shut my eyes and I'm all alone once again.

Nobody to embrace me.

Nobody to give me hope.

Nobody to tell me that everything will be okay.

I guess that's the price I have to pay for being a martyr at all times.

But I can't help it, that's the way I am.

Despite everything, I can't get myself to be a bitter person and brood over how I've been used by people over and over again. It's almost as though I've grown accustomed to it. The thought doesn't quite hurt anymore, not because I'm strong, but because I know that is something that'll never change.

I've been used by someone who wanted to fulfill his perverted sexual fantasies, when growing up.

I've been used by my friends who've only turned to seek solace in me during times of need.

I've been used by boys who've flaunted me as their arm-candy.

I've been used by a girl who thought it was fun to break a few hearts for fun.

I'm still being used in more ways that I am aware of.

That's the way it is.

I'm not all that smart, in fact, I'm quite the fool.

I'm a fool because I still believe that people are nice, they can be nice.

I'm a fool because I still trust others with all my heart.

I'm a fool because I still have some hope that things may change one day.

But I guess it wont.

I'll get raped, I'll get abused and I'll get used by people over and over again, till there's nothing left of me that I can give to them.

Maybe that's what's been written in my destiny.

And even then, I'll love and I'll trust with all my heart.

Not for anyone or anything else, but because hope is the only thing that I have left.

Without it, I'm a big nothing.

Without it, I'm a nobody.

I found my hope in him, but I guess I was wrong.

Then I found hope in someone else, I was wrong again.

I'll find my hope in someone or something else one day.

But till then, my hope remains in my heart.

My heart is filled with so much love, to give to someone, to anyone.

My heart is filled with love that will never end.

And if nothing or no one wants it, then I guess I'll keep it with me and die happy.

I'll die loving myself.

I don't anything.

I don't need anyone.

Just the love and the hope will do...