Ewwwwwww!

Yes.

I

hate

you

CBSE

My

relationship

with

Political

Science

is

over.

I got dumped for a change.

But seriously,

who

sets

these

friggin

papers?

Do

they

even

read

the

texbooks?

Are

they

stupid?

Or

just

plain

sadistic?!

Love, Sex Aur Dhoka

This post has nothing to do with the title, there's this really catchy trailer of a movie called LSD that the music channels have been playing CONSTANTLY and so it's sort of stuck in my head!

:( :(

(which is also a clear indication of the fact that I'm watching too much television, that too random shit like back to back episodes of CID (!), reruns of GG, LA Ink and all possible re-reruns of FRIENDS!)

See, THIS is what my life has come to thanks to these stoopid stoopid stoopid (notice the spelling of stupid?) examinations. It's so abnormally normal that it makes me want to drown myself and die. But staying alone at home almost all my life has taught me to keep myself entertained somehow. Retard and I spend a majority of our time in my room these days but that's a luxury that will soon be over once these exams begin, so we're ensuring optimum utilization of opportunity, and no, I'm not just talking about humping around, if that's what you had in mind. We may be horny, we're not sex addicts (yet!)

But that apart, I'm fucking my system up by not sleeping (no choice!), not exercising and eating all wrong. Which reminds me, my current diet would make dietitians want to hang themselves and adolescent girls cringe in horror. But where the fuck are all the calories going?

This is almost seems like a Scotland Yard case now-The Case Of The Disappearing Calories!

The rate at which and the quantity of absolutely unhealthy and fattening food that I have been eating would have made any normal person put on atleast 5-6 kilos. But even THIS is abnormal in my case-I'm losing weight on the contrary and at this rate, I'll probably disappear from the face of this earth! (Boy, some people sure would like that!)

Nevertheless, I don't care if I look like a stick. I love me for who I am. I don't believe in weight gain/loss diets, pills and all that jazz. Every person is beautiful the way they are and I'm not just saying that for the sake of it.

Retard may disagree with this one, but at the end of the day, it *is* what's inside that counts. I don't think he'd love me the same if I were a bimbo with a "better" figure and I don't think he'd love me any less if my face wasn't the way it is now. But hey, to each his own, right?

I don't judge by the appearance and I don't intend to change that about myself anytime soon, unless of course someone promises to take me back in time and give me the opportunity to spend a day with Cobain...mwahahhahahhahahahhahahahahhahaaa!!

(evil laughter, in case you missed the point! :P)

PS-See I told you how jugding by the appearance can be misleading, does the post have any fuckin connection with the title afterall?! :D :D

BFF

Where the fuck would I be without you? You may not be aware of it but you've helped me deal with so many things that if I start making a list, it'd take me forever.

You've been my shoulder to cry on. You've been that one 3AM friend who's never let me down. I know that BFFs are supposed to know each other for a long period of time (read forever) and I've not known you for very long but as cliched as it may sound, I feel like I've known you forever.

You're that one person who I can turn to in both happiness and sorrow.

You're that one person who'll be on my side when things go wrong instead of the I-told-you-so ritual.

You're that one person who is honest to me.

You're that one person who doesn't judge me.

You're that one person who doesn't pretend like he cares, just for the sake of it.

He's broken my heart into a million little pieces.

Crushed my dreams.

Torn my dignity apart.

Made me want to hurt myself so that the pain goes away.

Over and over again.

Maybe he's just like the others.

But that's okay, I'll get over it.

I always do, no matter what.

I may not have the strength to go through this on my own this time.

But you're there, fighting with me.

And that's a good enough reason for me to be able to sleep peacefully at night.

All said and done, maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all. At least I can count on you to cello-tape the wounds for me from time to time.

Thank you, for the little everythings, the little somethings and even the little nothings...

Down That Hole

There's this neat Polo commercial that goes like,

"People fall in a hole.

People fall in love.

Love is a hole."

Or something like that.

Yeah, love sure is a hole.

It stopped being about the pride for him.

It stopped being about the dependence for me.

People are changing so fast these days that it's not funny. I am not saying that I am an exception to this. I'm a part of it too, very much a part of it.

I'm walking a thin line between success and destruction. A very thin line. It's quite scary actually. But as Black Ninja puts it, you just have to take a chance at times. He intends to quit education to pursue music. It's scary. But then again, he's got so much potential that it's only fair that he takes one shot at it at least.

If you don't take that leap of faith once, you'll probably regret it forever and being the person that I am, I'd rather repent DOING something than repent not having done it at all, for what it's worth.

It's very much like those theatre workshops where you have these trust-building exercises. You have to let go and trust yourself/the other members of your team, you'll never progress otherwise.

And this sort of reminds me how much I used to love theatre till school almost made me hate it. It's a different feeling altogether, it's not just a show, it's a process. In theatre, you don't act. YOu don't pretend. You BE, you REACT. You can be anybody once you set your mind to it. I had dramatics in school from class 6-11 and those classes in a way shaped me into who I am today. Long before the fancy theatre workshops and the theatre competitions, came those dramatics classes with Sir K.

He never taught us a thing. We learnt everything from him. I was a shy, reserved and unsure kid but he moulded me into the confident person that I am today. I may have a lot of things going for me now, but there are double the amount of things that are not working for me and theatre taught me to overcome all that.

Life is like theatre too. we're acting out so many different roles to our best abilities. But theatre is not just about acting. There are so many aspects of a proper production-script, lights, sound, props, costume, background, stage formation etc etc...every minute detail comes together to form one big production.

I have almost given up theatre now, due to a few reasons but now that I think of it, I shouldn't let go of something that I love so much till I stop loving it. There were a whole bunch of deterrents before but I'm willing to start afresh everyday.

Music has always been my first love but theatre is something that I enjoy being a part of and this is because music comes naturally to me, but I really have to push myself-both mentally AND physically in order to do it right when it comes to theatre.

I can be Holden Caulfield. I can be a drug addict. I can be a dumb blonde. I can be a smart-ass reporter. I can be an animal.I can be a jaded terrorist. I can be a retarded child. I can be a larger than life criminal. I can be a seductress. I can be an ugly old fag. I can be a closet homosexual. I can be a victim. I can be a victimizer. I can be god. I can be anything. That's the magic of theatre.

Mirror:Just Because You Can't Get Any

I've noticed that most people who bitch/lash out at others without reason are the ones who can't get any, much like a new age version of the 'Grapes are sour' syndrome. But let the barking dogs be, they're tire and shut up eventually. Till then, despite the inconvenience, I've got my earplugs on!

:)

It's almost criminal how I'm neglecting my porashona these days. Three more fucking days and the godforsaken 'Bored' examinations start. With the stunts that I pulled off this academic year, I can almost *feel* the disastrous results that await for me in May. Fuck. There's not much I can do now. I fucked my academic karma real bad, even though it was all for a cause, but still.

Fuck.

When the fuck did I become so obstinate?

I used to be a sincere student, well sort of. This time I've taken sloth/escapism to a whole new level. Fuck.

I need to hit the books, I think (?)

Sometimes you feel like hitting people.

Sometimes you feel like kissing people.

Sometimes you feel like hitting AND kissing people.

Or kissing and hitting.

Whichever works better.

Heh.

The fact that a lot of people who know me personally are reading this blog is sort of intimidating. There is so much I would like to say, but have to keep shut about.

Not fair.

Don't read the blog.

It's stupid.

Who reads blogs these days anyway?

Retards are more entertaining than crazy people.

Crazy people are just plain scary.

But retarded crazy people sort of belong together.

Or so I think, even if it's just for a bit...

It's like getting a tattoo, you have a thought or an idea that you base your design on (something that you'd want in your body forever, mind you) and carefully work on it and once you're done, you are supposed to fall in love with it the minute you see the design. If you hesitate, you probably shouldn't get it, it's a bad idea. the first instinct is usually always the right one.

I'm stoked about how after months and months of irritation, frustration and heartbreak, I finally have a fateful piece of paper which has JUST that I had in mind, capturing my concept/ideals so subtly but accurately . I wont talk about it till I get it. But it should be fun, I haven't been to my Favouritest Tattoo place ever since I got the Cobain piece. Let's see if anything eventful happens this time, cause the last time that I got inked, I had a late night gig the night before and hitting Oly after the tat was done turned into one helluva day. It was on that particular day that we got kicked out of Oly-thus achieving the impossible!

Bwahahahaha,

Shit.

I love Oly!

Polythene Dreamscapes

Like bunnies on cocaine.

Copulation.

Emancipation.

Salvation.

You get some.

You want some more.

The best you've ever had?

The best you've ever had, yeah.

If I'm gone, who'll make you explode,

with just her tongue?

Okay so except for my whole Houdini act, yesterday's show was supposed to be one belonging to the 'better side'...but even then, I think we were a whole lotta crap. I mean it's SOMEPLACE ELSE, the Mecca of music in Kolkata. Everybody who's into music will know what that stage is worth and we are a fucking regular, main band there. People have a certain amount of expectations from us and I don't think we're doing justice to what we have or maybe we're taking things for granted.

I don't mean that we are doing so individually, but this is the attitude that reflects our band at the moment.

I went for practise yesterday after nearly a month and I was quite sad. With time and with practise one tends to improve. Heck, even if they don't, the progress remains constant, but we are fucking digressing instead of making any progress. The vibes were so strange, like a huge silent battle going on between Black Ninja, Guitar God Kaku and Mama Kaku. And so it was a little stupid of me to expect a miracle on stage. But anyway, I'm hardly fit to complain. I know that right now, I'm probably just all hype. Musically, I'm a big nothing. But I'm working to get there. I am.

So if today other God Kakus and Aunties and Boys and Girls are giving nice reviews about me, it's all because of my band. The day I went and auditioned, I was absolute rubbish, but they had the patience to train me to be where I am today. So I'll always be grateful to them for that.

Let March pass, let me get back into action in April, things will change. For the better. We will make them.

These vile thoughts in my head

I can't just shoo away,

But since you've found me out,

are you willing to play this game?

Don't be a bitch.

Don't be a bitch.

Don't be a bitch.

Be my bitch.

(M)Alice

Everybody thinks they're perfect.

Are they even close?

the juxtaposition of life and death.

It's all just an anagram, really.

Hit me and I wont feel a thing.

Kiss me and you give me goosebumps.

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together." -Lennon

The carpenter was the good guy, the walrus was the bad one.

The oysters died a slow and painful death. Deceitful death.

Much like his dreams,

Dying every morning as he wakes from slumber.

The gods have spoken.

But they're only in our heads.

The beads of sweat on your firm, naked body.

Strong hands.

The hands of a child. The hands of a grown up.

A talisman.

A thought.

So much gained.

But paradise lost.

Grammar Nazi

You're just like them,

You're all the same.

But a few years down the line,

will they even remember your name?

Crawl right back.

But you're only just a whore.

They use you and they throw you.

And want you know more.

So pick up the pieces

Build yourself anew.

Just change the bloody song

That's the least you could do.

I don't like posers or pretenders. May they die a slow and painful death.

I appreciate originality. You could be a jackass, but as long as you are original, you're my hero.

If you really want to stand out from the crowd, just be yourself.

You'll shine anyway.

Don't wear them fancy clothes just because they're all wearing it.

Don't talk "the talk".

Don't walk "the walk".

Unless that's really you.

It's stupid.

Who're you trying to fool?

She grabbed him by his hair.

Forced a kiss upon his lips.

He pushed her back on to the ground.

Sunk his teeth deep into her skin.

They tried to have sex.

They couldn't.

They landed up making love.

Again.

Bm/F#m/G/A

That's all that is keeping me from falling apart. I'm so glad that I'm doing this. You're here too, could it get any better?

Let us not look at the sun today, it may burn our eyes.

Let us not speak, they may hear us.

Let us not run, anymore.

Let us be not scared.

Let us not move.

Let us be. Let it be. Just.

As the world collapses.

As the sky falls down.

As the oceans dry up. like the tears from my eyes.

The only thing that remains,

The only thing that stands firm,

Is the ground beneath our feet...

Falling.

I know I'm falling.

Like a piece of puzzle,

right back into it's place.

Crawling.

Looks like I'm crawling.

Out with my loaded gun,

Just in case.

Poseur

It's so easy.

It's so convenient.

A nip here here, a tuck there.

Come catch me, if you dare.

All is sublime.

All is good.

Bite my head off tomorrow.

Or better still, drown in your sea of sorrow.

Hurt me once.

It shall heal.

Hurt me twice.

I'll get used to the feel.

But hurt me not thrice.

I'm your mistress of spice.

(I miss Someplace, and no, this has NOTHING to do with the post. It became my life for a few months. But the queer part is that I don't just miss the shows, I miss the people and the atmosphere more. Rakesh Da's drunken madness and how he spreads such a good vibe. Bishu and Guitar Kaku's overtly friendly conversations. Sunil Da and how I'm not giving him such a hard time anymore and so he can just place "#8" at a suitable volume and try to catch some sleep. Ooh yeah, Rahul, our #1 fan and the DJ, who ALWAYS makes it a point to cheer when we hit the stage/get off....I could go on forever....*sigh*

Retard's playing at Open Mic today and infact we were slated to play at our regular slot after Open Mic and Hip Pocket so if it had not been for these darn exams, it'd be kindda cool-playing at the same place on the same day!

But I think I'll have to pull off a gig on Sunday, I love the Sunday slots, we get to be the only band playing on Sundays and I think for someone who's just 18, that is neat. But Someplace is just the stepping stone. The journey has just started, there's still such a long way to go!)

Ex-s and Why-s

Joan Jett brings out the gay person in me like no other musician can, expect maybe for Madonna. I was talking to an acquaintance today and he was cribbing about how his ex girlfriend is giving him a hard time and then he included the words, "you know how it is, don't you" at the end and that brought out the Holden in me and so I told him that I didn't have a clue, because my ex girlfriend was quite the babe!

Heh.

I BET either his jaw dropped to the floor or he visualized very graphic and very pornographic things. It's normal. I wouldn't be too upset about it. People still associate alternative sexuality as erotica. But then again, erotica is more respectable than being called insane just because you feel for someone of the same sex.

There are a whole bunch of jokes about how bisexual people are lucky and have more options and I laugh everytime I hear those jokes but I don't think it's like that. At all. I don't think alternative relationships are very different from the usual ones.

Retard squirms and tells me that he feels insecure. I guess it's not a very nice thought. I mean the probability of him staring at a hot girl on the road when he's with me and then turning around to catch me checking her out too is quite high! But then again, when you are in a serious relationship, these trivial things don't matter.

They shouldn't. That wouldn't be too healthy.

I think from my last relationship I learned just that. You have to let go yet at the same time not compromise with who you are and our ideals. Two people who are in a relationship are supposed to complement and complete each other, not sacrifice who they are just be with their better halves. That's not how it works. But I've also noticed that girls tend to do this more often than boys-let go off themselves for their partner's sake. I have done it. My girl did it (infact we BOTH did it, bizzare!) and she did the same when she was in her previous relationship as well.

But I am quite proud of the way I've handled myself, except for a few misses here and there. I did take revenge on an ex for fooling around with someone while I was out of town, by breaking up with him and making out with two of his best friends and then subjecting him to the pain of listening to them go on and on about how great I was and all that when I was 14. But I STILL don't regret it. He started the cheating first. I guess it was a lame thing to do and the fact that I had been conned before didn't help either, it just brought out the sheer evil in me.

Stuff like that happens.

He got over it, eventually. We're friends till date.

Next up in the list would be my epic relationship with you-know-who, but even during the darkest of the days, I couldn't get myself to cheat on him. I don't know what made me stop, I think it was the fact that I had an enormous amount of respect for him and for the sanctity of our relationship. We had lost our modjo, but nothing was worth tainting what we once had and I am so glad that I stuck to it and so did he. When things got really bad, we were on a break. I wanted him to be with other people and see if he felt the same once he came back to me. He didn't. I pursued my own goal of finding the lost me again. I did. It ended at that.

Yes, so when I was single and I swore to remain so, till I got my act together, Retard found me. What started off as lust for him (clearly!) and another random act of mindlessness for me turned into something a bit more meaningful and we didn't even realize till it was almost over.

To think of it now, what made me take him so seriously that day? He had always made it quite clear that he was fond of me, not taking into consideration that he tried to camouflage his lust by using the word 'infatuation', but still. What made him say those words, as we looked at each other that day? Why was I so overwhelmed?Why did I reciprocate the way that I did?

I don't have any answer.

Sometimes you just have to trust yourself and trust your better half and go with what your soul wants.

Despite having been cheated on, retard trusts me. When he becomes a drama king and tells me that he's scared that I might just have a crush on one of my female friends, just because I'm texting them or something, I know that he trusts me. I'm quite proud of him for that actually, not bringing in baggage from his past into our relationship.

But on the other hand, even after being subjected to deceit of the highest order. I think I'm fairly brave too. I can close my eyes and trust that boy. Yeah, I could also call myself an ignorant fool for making myself vulnerable to a whole lot of heartbreak. But if there's something that I have learned so far in my 18 years on earth, it would be the fact that no matter what, shit happens. You can't complain or stop just because of a broken heart. You have to put every single piece back together on your own, let the wound heal and then wait for someone else to take it from you and hope that you don't suffer the same fate again.

Towards the starting of our relationship, a lot of things went wrong. The long forgotten ex-s and the why-s cropped up. I guess you can blame it on Murphy's law. People from Retard's past cropped out of nowhere. My ex fuck buddy, who wasn't even in town landed up randomly at my doorstep, wanting to officially "end things", but again, I handled myself well. I hope Retard did too, even if he didn't, like I said, it doesn't matter to me. It's scary how much I trust him but I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

(This bit is for you babe)

So yeah, like we talked about, I really have no clue what I would do if you were cheating on me. I wouldn't take someone else's word for it and if it is you. who confesses. My heart may be broken into a thousand and one million little pieces, but I'll put every single piece back together by myself and try to live with it. I can't say that I'll stop loving you, that's just stupid. You know me better than that. My world may crash and burn and come to a stop. But then again, if you don't have the slightest consideration of how your actions may affect me, I don't think you should bother about me. I'll pretend like nothing ever happened.

And yes, I don't think I've said it and you know how much PDA repels me, but anyway, in case you didn't know already, when you look into my eyes, you probably feel the way that you feel because my vulnerability shows, my vulnerability which I try to hide from you.I feel exposed in front of you-like you know me stripped down to my bone. It's a scary feeling because the consequences will be VERY bad if this ends the wrong way. I have been quite the gambler and I'm willing to take another chance...I don't care about anything else but you. I don't love you back. I love you.

I should have said this on that fateful day itself, instead of fucking things up. I should have done and not done a lot of things. You should have done and not done a lot of things. But all that doesn't matter now, to me atleast.

Like I said, it doesn't matter. I love you. I don't expect you to say anything in return. I love you unconditionally. It doesn't matter if it's one way or both ways.

PS-What happened to that ex-fuck buddy of mine? His girlfriend caught him and her friend fooling around. They broke up. In fact it was only after being dumped that he realized what she meant to him. But she won't take him back. He's in deep shit.

What happened to retard's past? One I think put up all that nonsense just for the attention, I don't know her personally but since this is a small city, she's just about fine. In fact I thought she was quite fascinating, I'd love to get to know her. I have a feeling that we'd both click quite well as friends.I hope I get introduced to her soon, we'll have quite a bit to talk about actually since her world didn't come to an end after all. And the other person who doesn't stay here...well,it's a small city, word spreads pretty fast, she's getting back what she did to him for whatever her reasons may be.

Hickies don't lie.

Splitting Images

Cut me open.

Let the wounds not scare you.

They will be all I have left

When the love is gone.

Falling.

The world is falling.

-collapsing into the void.

It's in her eyes.

The hurt and the pain.

She's been smothered too.

Everybody knows now.

Falling,

The world is falling

-collapsing into the void.

It's all gone now.

She's gone now,  she's never coming back

She's collapsed into the void too.

And she's down there, waiting for you.