For What?

That harmless interest in a beautiful girl,

claiming poems and paintings that are not yours as your own,

that phone-call to someone else at 3am when you could just be,

the nips and the tucks.

The lies and the deceit.

For what?

I am arrogant, I am obstinate, I am heartless.

But I'm not a liar, my emotions are not counterfeit like yours.

I mean it when I say that I love you.

You don't.

You break my heart.

For what?

He protects me all the time,

He protects me from myself.

His heart breaks to see me so broken.

And no matter how hard I try,

I cannot seem to love him like I loved you.

I feel rage, so much rage for not being able to love him back.

Everything would be so simple if I loved him and not you.

He coaxes me out of my depression.

You abandon me like everybody else.

A trophy girlfriend on your mantlepiece

Nothing more, never could have been.

If it were up to you, you'd lock me in a cage

As you went hunting for new meat everyday.

And I'd probably wait for you to love me one day.

But my wait would only be in vain.

I am now the victim of the cruel game you played.

I'm damaged beyond repair.

You shamed me, you degraded me.

You broke me down.

But for what?

Can you ever erase me from your head?

Even if you do, can you ever live in peace knowing you did what you did?

Or are you going to let some girl suck your dick and your sorrows away?

Is that how you play your game?

Running away when you're defeated.

Running far, far away.

You could have been happy.

You could have with me.

I would have tried my best to satisfy you

Maybe I'd even be successful in taming your roving eye someday.

But you threw it all away.

For what? 

Stupid Things I Do

1. Check out my horoscope. Sometimes I question my sanity when I find myself googling love compatibility with other signs. Who is best for a leo woman? Does this shit work? I don't know, but I want to believe!

2. Finish an entire pizza by myself in a day and then feel bloated as fuck. 

3. Fall in love with all the wrong guys and then take an eternity to get over them. If I could go back in the past and undo meeting people, loving and trusting them, I totally would. It's hard to write love songs when your heart is crushed.

4. Put others before me and subsequently get hurt. Seriously, WHEN will I learn!

5. Watch too many horror movies, waste too much time.

6. Make stupid lists like they matter.

Underdogs

"I am birthless, I am deathless.

I am the eternal Lord of all beings.

I am born through my maya

-defying all laws of nature"

I read the Gita for the first time when I was around 16. This verse and another one in particular really spoke to me. I've never looked at it as a religious book, more of the self-help category.

The Gita was said to be the sermon Krishna delivered to the hesitant Arjun before the battle of Kurukshetra, I really don't understand how it became the religious book of the Hindus! If you read it carefully, you realise that it talks about your eternal soul and your duty to be at one with everything. Isnt that what a self-help book also preaches? 

A seemingly long time ago, when I met A, I'd ask him to tell me stories from the Bible. It was fascinating because the Bible has so many characters and so many different tales (or sermons?) on life in general. 

But why I have a problem with all forms of modern religion is because none of them embrace paganism, or the worship of nature. If you think logically, humans would pray to the fire/earth/rain/sun gods and godessess for nothing else but a healthy life and a good harvest. Ancient human beings had their sense of right and wrong, not as individuals but as a community. How the fuck did we evolve from that to the sham that we call "religion" these days that propagates violence and inequality?

Monks dedicate their entire lives to attain salvation, to awaken their kundalini. But I am a cheater, I do drugs to open my third eye, I need chemicals in my brain to rid myself of all inhibitions. Arent inhibitions and a lack of awareness the only things stopping us from salvation? 

Have you ever had your kundalini awaken, even if it is only for a moment? I've had two experiences so far and the easiest way to get there, honestly, is through orgasm.

Women's bodies hold the key to the universe. I keep saying this again and again because I really believe it to be true. We are receivers, carriers, nurturers. Life perpetuates from our wombs and men merely facilitate the process. 

It also leads me to assume that there is no stronger human on earth than a woman aware of her sexuality. It is a gift and yet a curse. 

A was making me orgasm once when we were both tripping on acid. But there was something strange about that trip, about one orgasm in particular. It felt like someone had loaded me on to a cannon and fired it towards the sky. There was a tingle and I felt an electric current shoot up from my tailbone straight to my brain. It awakened nerves whose existence I did not know of. My soul left my body and I felt like I was levitating, floating higher and higher into a white light. That is what there is at the end of the tunnel-a white light. But it was not what I saw, it was how I felt. It was overwhelming-like I wasnt supposed to be there yet, I had cheated my way into it. It was that extreme point of pleasure my body could take before it tipped over to pain. The line separating the two is so thin. Crossing over from one to the other is easy but never the other way around.

Have you ever cried because you've experienced something so beautiful, so intense? It's a strange feeling. I've tried to replicate it and the only time I've been successful is through stimulating my clitoris. 

When I say that women are the perpetuators of life, I say that in the crudest way possible because we are also the ones with an organ which exists solely for pleasure. 

Whether I decide to bear children and marry a man or not, I will stay sane if I can master the art of using my body as a vehicle to my salvation-my nirvana. 

Rain Fell Down

I was walking down the road with a friend, smoking a joint when a cute little thing wagging its tail came to me running, begging me to stroke it. "How did the dog understand that you'd pet it?" My friend was amused. You see animals, especially dogs, can sense love based off the vibes that people or other animals around them give.
We are the only creatures who need to verbally tell one another that we love each other, that we'd die for each other. Our love is an elaborate lie. It is to camouflage sex. That's all that there is to it.

Sometimes men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. But where do I stand on this? I crave for intimacy, but never love because it is so painful and it always ends badly.

Love can be what a parent feels for their child perhaps? My father came back home after years and having him around changes the energy of the house. I'm starting to understand that a child needs both feminine as well as masculine energy around them as they grow up, a disbalance causes improper emotional development-much like my case.

Love can also be a simple text message from your best friend checking up on you from time to time, to see that you have not killed yourself it. It is that feeling when someone won't judge you and will always want the best for you, who you can be your true self with.
My college experience wasn't typical because I was out playing gigs and consequently skipping class. It was in the second year that I connected with M, my soul sister. We had the same affection for the villains of history and were equally compassionate about picking out the faults of our education system. We took a trip to Shantiniketan, the 4 musketeers, and it was during that trip that I realised what a beautiful phase my college-life was. The year after, after the end of our third and final year, we took a trip to the sea. On the last day of our vacation, the four of us sat on the beach soaked in water and just stared into the vastness that was the sea. None of us spoke a word and yet it was such a beautiful moment. It was at that moment when I knew I loved M and our friendship and I would never let go, no matter what.
Since the end of college, we've tried our best to stay in touch. The strange thing about love is that you don't have to constantly talk to the person or meet the person you care about. We meet everytime we are in the same city and even though there are long periods of not being in touch, I feel completely at ease with her when we are together. What is love but a deep-rooted friendship? It is the sense of trust, the comfort in knowing that you can bare your heart to someone and they'll not break it.


I was stoned and walking around town yesterday and it felt like it was going to rain. It did. All night long. It was poetic, beautiful.
As the first drops of rain touched the parched ground, I realised that I was surrounded by love in all shapes and forms. I wanted a sign and the universe had finally given me one.
A broken heart mends eventually, all it takes is a little bit of time...

Valentines Day (or is it Valentine's Day)

We lay on the bed listening to our favourite music, naked, holding hands for some strange reason. He looked younger than I remembered. 

Stoned out of our minds from the chillum of highly stale weed that I found. The sunlight filtered in through the curtains, falling on his arms. Strong. He'd hold me forever he said, he wouldn't let go.

I was emotional. It was a strange kind of melancholy.

I woke up from the dream and realised that P's been gone for 3 years now. He bought a one-way ticket and he's never going to return. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to dream again. 

By pretending to be strong all this while, I realised that the child in me wasn't dead yet, just stuck somewhere dying to breathe.

Love never dies, your priorities in life change. A part of me will always be stuck trying to get over the man I loved who left me stranded. 

It's always the same story. 

The cycle ends only when you die. 

Coping With Clinical Depression

Nobody goes out of their way to be nice
how many appreciate the beauty of a flower?
it wilts just as quickly as it blossoms
-fading away into oblivion.
Much like me.
So much like me.

In my fortress of solitude that I have built for myself,
I live and I die everyday,
hoping that the heaviness will lift one morning
and the pain will be gone
but nothing changes and everyday is just the same.

It won't be long before I stop dreaming
And face my reality
I came here alone and I shall die alone
Faceless, nameless.

"why can't you be happy?"
"why can't you stop being so depressed all the time?"
they don't know, they wouldn't understand.

I wish I could write love songs for somebody on Valentine's Day, serenade them. But nobody wants me when I don't offer them my body. That's okay I guess, I've never been a priority, some people aren't meant for those things. So I crawl into my shell, I am safe, I am comfortable. I don't need the outside world.

I remember a particular Valentine's Day when I smoked pot for the first time with the dadas from my neighbourhood. My date cancelled on the very last minute and I was terribly heartbroken. This was when I was young and quite stupid. I may know how to roll a joint now but many lightyears ago, the way we smoked weed was by painstakingly stuffing it into a cigarette. Or a chillum. I watched the guys meticulously roll a couple of joints. There was alcohol too, but I wasn't a drinker back then. One of them, my favourite, even got me a tube of dendrite and a polythene bag since he sensed my sadness. The weed made me so lightheaded, so dizzy and it was nothing like my dendrite high. It was fascinating. But I swore to myself that I would never get addicted to it, glue would always be my drug of choice.

I don't remember much from that day, except for feeling very happy not to have spent it alone. It was nice to hang out with a bunch of college boys who treated me as their cool, younger sister. I wonder where they are nowadays. Working perhaps, some maybe even married. It's strange that I've seen 23 Valentine's Days so far and the only one I can recollect at the moment, is one which included no romantic activity with a partner.

Since Shoshibabu's passing, I've been so incredibly lonely that I can physically feel the pain sometimes, like a permanent knot in my stomach, an ulcer, a cyst.
You don't choose your pets, they choose you. If it's meant to be then they'll come to you.

I'm planning to adopt dogs again, after all these years. I grew up with a dog, Ticklie, who was not a pet but a member of the family. She was the cutest thing. My mother tells me that when I was an infant, she would guard my cot and growl at anybody who came too close to it.

I remember my grandfather telling me that Ticklie was resting and would be resting for a long time because she was tired and her body wanted some rest. I knew that she was gone, not just asleep. "Do pets go to heaven when they die?" I asked my grandfather. "Yes, they are god's favourite children" my grandfather told me. And I believed him.
I still do believe that animals go to heaven when they die, unlike the humans who outlive them and are made to rott, here on earth. What is this world but an everyday hell?

It's strange how no human being has been able to love me like my pets have. Unconditional love doesn't exist in humans. That saddens me. We need a day to express love for someone we love/we need a day to remind ourselves that no one loves us.

I've decided to spend this Valentine's Day binge watching a few movies and eating pizza in bed. I figure I don't have to shave my legs and watch my weight since I have nobody who wants me, really wants me.
Everybody likes the person they see on stage, they bow down to her. But off-stage, nobody really cares, all they ever want is to get into that cool chick's pants. 

I would do anything to go back in time, coming back home from school after a particularly bad day and going off to sleep-that was how I'd cope. I'd wake up to find myself hugging my cat who had mysteriously snuggled under the blanket with me.
Simple times. Simple joys.

My pets have always protected me, shielded me from my depression and now that I am all alone, I realise that they weren't mere pets, they were my angels who watched over me and took care of me. They wanted nothing in return, their love was selfless and uncoditonal.
It also made me realise that I am incapable of being loved by a human being and I am incapable of loving them back. I do not understand the concept of love, as perceived by humans.

But that's okay I guess. I tell myself that I can live without human company, affection. I'm more inclined towards looking for a pair of dogs (or cats) to share my home with, to give my love to. My Prince Charming will only poison my soul once hes sticks his dick inside me. Disney movies are not real. The reality of love is that it is just an elaborate porno about two humans choosing to mate to ensure the continuation of their species. All other things are just lies.

I'm 23 and all alone on the day of love. If I don't learn my lesson now then I probably deserve what I'm getting.

Dawn breaks, 

another day,

hope leaves this body,

cell by cell.

Today I am 50 percent melancholic

and 50 percent sure that I want to kill myself.

Tomorrow, the equation might change.

I'm a coward who puts on a brave face.

That's what I am.

I don't have the courage to die today.

But tomorrow might be a different day.

The equation might change.

I've been missing.

I've been missing.

I'm a 100 percent sure that nobody's looking for me.

But what they don't know is that the disappearing act is for real this time.

It was never meant to be.

I was never meant to exist.

A worthless, mediocre life that ultimately amounted to nothing.

But tomorrow will be a different day.

Tomorrow I will be gone. 

As Above, As Below

I turn twenty fuckin four this year, would you believe it! I made a bucket list of all the things to do before 30 and even though I've crossed a lot of things off that list, I doubt I'll be able to complete it. It's the second month of the year and I hate 2015 already. I feel like life is stabbing me in the chest every goddamn day of this year. Everything is falling apart. I am falling apart.

I've never believed in god. I can't believe in something I can't see, touch, feel. I believe in the universe, but does an entity that we've christened "god" exist? I don't know. I don't believe yet.

This year, I want to find myself more than anything else. I want to understand myself, slay my demons and let go of my tendency to be dependent on others' love. I need to find my peace. I need to find my light.

A ship lost at sea, my mind's been adrift for too long now. What the fuck am I doing wasting my time trying to write that one song which will change me forever?
I've been trying so hard to bring out my monster, give it a voice and make it sing. All my new material is grotesque, intimidating. But this process is taking a toll on me. I cannot separate my art from my life and I can feel it slowly taking control over my entire life.

I want to sing better, I've been practising hard.
I want to play better guitar, I've been practising hard.
I want to write better music, I've been trying hard.
I want to be happy, how do I do that?


Ideas they come and go, sometime I hold on to them, milk them into a song. But only in vain. Anything I try to write is shit. Absolute shit.

All I want to do is find myself, maybe then I'll be able to write a decent song.

Consensual

what causes one to be cruel, so cruel?
what makes one act like a savage, a beast?
centuries of evolution and yet you cannot think beyond yourself.
living in perpetual gloom.
and memories of days bygone.

I open my eyes and I'm a nymph at 12. I figure I'm Lolita, I can handle it all. But I'm not Lolita. I don't know what a man's genitals look like.
"Touch it", he places my hand over his dick.
It looks like a worm, a snake, a deformity.
I can see it grow slowly and steadily.
I am scared. It intimidates me.
He places his dick in my mouth. It tastes sour, like death. My death.

I'm in my training bra, didn't anticipate we'd come this far. All I wanted was a kiss, nothing more. I didn't know there was a world beyond a kiss. He squeezes my nipples, for I do not have a breast he can hold on to. It feels strange to let someone see me naked for the first time.
I'm embarrassed of the hair around my vagina.
I'm embarrassed and petrified as he slides his fingers around and then into it.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot more than I can imagine.
Just one finger.


Is this what adults do for recreation?
Is this what grownups always fantasize about?

I see him looking at me as he makes me suck his dick.
I understand that he feels a great deal of pleasure.
I am sexslave. I'm his sexslave for the evening.

"Are you scared?" "No"
I lie. I'm not a convincing liar but he needs to hear what he wants to hear.

It is the month of December but somehow I do not feel cold. Only scared. Broken.

How did I get to this part of my nightmare?
He was stronger than I imagined.
I had nothing on but a pair of earrings.
He was dressed, except for the dick sticking out of his pants.
(Or did he take his shirt off? I can't quite remember)

Degradation.
Humiliation.
But a severe breach of trust, more than anything else.

I lay there like a nymphsexdoll. He couldn't get his dick to go into my vagina on the first try. He told me that it would hurt and reassured me that "I" would feel good. I did not believe him, not a word he said. But I was too lost to respond, let alone fight back.

I shut my eyes and felt pain. Nothing but pain.
It was nothing like I had imagined it to be.
He grunted and pushed hard and I prayed for the ordeal to end.
I wouldn't let him see me cry.
I wouldn't give him the pleasure.

It's been over a decade since the incident. I've been called a "sex goddess" by a few men I have slept with. I have seen the pleasure in their eyes as they orgasm. Sex with me is a high, I've been told. But nobody knows that they're fucking a dead person.
I die the moment they enter me. Nobody has been able to make me feel alive.

What's the best sex I've had so far in life?
I haven't had any good sex.
Nobody has loved me the way I deserve to be loved.
I have merely given my body to those seeking pleasure.

I'm quite mad.
But that's okay, I like to believe that I'm saving myself for the right person when they come along.

And one day when you see my face in the pages of a magazine, you will realise that the scars you left on my body have long faded...

Humiliation, thy name is love
The more I seek you
The more you run away
Like a child whose whims are not paid heed to
I turn away from you
I will learn to live without you
Maybe tomorrow, if not today

what's the baddest, nastiest thing you could do to me...in bed?

Even More Resolutions

6. STOP READING THE DAMN TABLOIDS.
I have been reading the newspaper religiously for every day since class V and it's time that I stopped reading the supplementaries on entertainment that come with it instead of reading them after I've read the main paper. I can do without learning about random garbage at the start of my day. Also, Calcutta has some really ugly people who seem to feature almost every goddamn day, I could definitely do without my morning sickness that their dumbandovermadeup faces induce.

7.  EXERCISE!!!
My greatest fear is to wake up one day realising that I have a paunch and that it makes my navel piercing look like that of a cheap hooker's.

resolutions twentyfifteen

1. DON'T HAVE SEX!
I'm getting too old to be fucking someone who ultimately doesn't care about my existence. Sex is special and like any good drug, if you go overboard, you end up ruining your life as well as the trip. I wish I could go back in time and explain this to my younger and naive self. But I guess it's better late than never.

2. WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
It doesn't matter if it's good or rubbish. I need to cut myself some slack and just write. I desperately need to get rid of this writers' block.

3. READ MORE.
Self-explanatory, this one. The last book I picked up and subsequently abandoned was Murakami's Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki. I feel terribly guilty,

4. DON'T DO DRUGS UNLESS IT'S A SPECIAL MOMENT.
It loses it's charm when you do it too often. Don't.

5. DRINK LIKE A 30-YEAR OLD.
Go easy, go slow. It's about time I started to drink in moderation. Early morning rum and a joint needs to stop. The party ended a while back.

Cuts Like A Knife

It's hard to sing love songs when you have no love to give
Your friends are getting married
And all you wish for is to see the stars at night
Lay on grass
Let the dew kiss you
"Life goes on" they tell you
"You'll find yourself in someone" they tell you
But nobody knows that your heart is full of pain.
An attempt to love is only in vain

Not Old Enough To Be Young Yet

It's always the same dream these days, always. Vivid, vivid details and pretty much the same storyline. I'm pregnant and soon to be a single mother. It always ends in miscarriage or in death. I wake up crying the same tears literally every goddamn day. Is it because I don't think I am capable of handling my own life without someone else's support? Why do I keep seeing the same things and the same people?
Yesterday it was a previous lover and his new found romance, completely oblivious to my pain and today it was just me trying to run without falling down (which I did btw, totally killing the baby in the womb), away from a beast who was trying to kill me.
The supporting characters in my dream are always so indifferent, so apathetic. I'm scared of falling asleep because it's been 5 days in a row and I'm starting to think that I am in fact losing my mind.

Prjkt X

My folks leave for a vacation tomorrow and I'm looking forward to having the house to myself, not because I can party and let people trash my place but because I can finally write write write and write some more.
I'm falling into the stereotype of those who drink to make themselves not think about all the heartache. Is it healthy? Ofcourse not! But what choice do I have?
Also, alcohol is better than relapsing and starting to do dendrite like a juvenile delinquent. Sometimes you know that some things are really bad for you and yet you just can't stop doing it. I want to be 13 again, still fresh from the wounds of the rape. I don't know why but I do. Maybe because I used to think that from that point on I thought that my life wouldn't be sad anymore, the worst was over. But growing up makes you realise that life is just sad, it is always sad. I may not have been raped again since but people have kept breaking me down, the cycle never ends. I may have stopped doing dendrite but the trips are always the same. Everything is a loop.

My resolution for this year is to definitely stay away from drugs and not abuse them. After my last acid trip last year, I realised that drugs only work for me when I'm alone or with someone I can shed all my inhibitions with and since there is no latter in my life at the moment, I'll have to take extremely good care of myself, nobody's going to do it for me.

Real life is not a fairytale. I am not a princess and there is no prince who will come and rescue me. Miracles are not real, only tragedies are. But it's okay, I'm starting to master the art of getting by.


I need to do so many things.
But there's so little time.
Let me waste one precious second
Trying to make this fucking rhyme.

Attention Seeking Bitch

Sometimes you need to feel good about yourself, you just do. Especially if you're a girl who's been battling depression and eternal melancholy. I always thought of myself as antisocial and largely unwanted, but being single for the first time in a long time has made me realise a lot of good and bad things about myself.
I used to always think of myself as vermin in social situations-ugly, unwanted and unnecessary. I guess it's hard to come to terms with someone ignoring you and looking for greener pastures when they tell you that they "love" you, but with time I'm realising that this is not true. Atleast not for me. There are people who would be perfectly happy to dedicate their entire evening for my company, even if there's no guaranteed sex afterwards.
It makes me feel good about myself somehow.
 I don't need to be all over a man just to get his attention and neither do I need to make someone feel inferior about himself. I can be me and people will like me for just that.
It feels strangely liberating to be able to be who you are and still be wanted by men who will find you beautiful and intelligent and sexy and all those things. It feels good to know that the problem does not lie with you, like you thought it did. You're not an inconsequential mass of nothingness. You're beautiful and you're special-any man who fails to see that and lets you go is daft and you should never waste your time running after them.

Thank you to the beautiful, extremely gorgeous guys I met tonight. Even though I"ll probably not see you all for a long time and even though I've never touched/been touched by any of you...thank you for making my day, someone as incredibly ordinary as me. Thank you for making me realise that I am hot stuff indeed and any asshole who fails to understand and value that is losing out on the best they could have ever dreamt of.