Alternative Career Options

1. Drug dealer, scene sorter.
2. Pimp.
3. Whore.
4. Model  Don't fulfill basic height/vital stat requirements
5. Actor  Cannot act to save life.
6. Writer for tabloids, the page 3 etc etc
7. Professional alcoholic.
8. Full time homemaker.
9. Private tutor  Don't have patience, can't stand most children.
10. Tollywood extra.

Mondo Noi

Some people feel it in their hearts.
They express through words, through actions.
Us musicians are blessed, we express through song.

I sat with with my favourite boys yesterday to randomly jam on a song S had made during his last few months in hibernation. We ended up recording a scratch version of it with just guitars, bass, some keyboards and vocals. I have listened to it about 100 times since last night and the more I listen to it, the more deeply I fall in love with it.
It's beautiful what collective heartbreak and frustration can lead to, you just need to channelise your energy into the right thing.

The plan is to just sit and write and record, without any expectations or pressure.
Our lives may be B-grade.
Our city might be B-grade.
But our dreams, our feelings are real.

"নিয়ম মেনে চলে
কখনো হারিয়ে গেলে
ক্ষতি কোথায়ে
ক্ষতি কোথায়ে 

সকাল- বিকেল গেলো
নিজেকে লাগে ভালো
মন্দ নই!
আমি মন্দ নই! "

I swear to god I will cry when I track this song when/if we record this properly. The last time I had this feeling was when we were heading back home from the studio after tracking 'Raju Banega Gentleman'. We had perfect takes for the song because we were all feeling it in our hearts. We were driving back home listening to the version we'd tracked and all of us just fell silent, beaming with pride. Not because it was the best song or whatever, we had all been honest and that made all the difference.

Honesty.

Loyalty.

Hardwork.

Humility.

My B-grade city and my B-grade life may be the cause of immense ridicule, but my ideals are stronger than anything you will ever see.

For What?

That harmless interest in a beautiful girl,

claiming poems and paintings that are not yours as your own,

that phone-call to someone else at 3am when you could just be,

the nips and the tucks.

The lies and the deceit.

For what?

I am arrogant, I am obstinate, I am heartless.

But I'm not a liar, my emotions are not counterfeit like yours.

I mean it when I say that I love you.

You don't.

You break my heart.

For what?

He protects me all the time,

He protects me from myself.

His heart breaks to see me so broken.

And no matter how hard I try,

I cannot seem to love him like I loved you.

I feel rage, so much rage for not being able to love him back.

Everything would be so simple if I loved him and not you.

He coaxes me out of my depression.

You abandon me like everybody else.

A trophy girlfriend on your mantlepiece

Nothing more, never could have been.

If it were up to you, you'd lock me in a cage

As you went hunting for new meat everyday.

And I'd probably wait for you to love me one day.

But my wait would only be in vain.

I am now the victim of the cruel game you played.

I'm damaged beyond repair.

You shamed me, you degraded me.

You broke me down.

But for what?

Can you ever erase me from your head?

Even if you do, can you ever live in peace knowing you did what you did?

Or are you going to let some girl suck your dick and your sorrows away?

Is that how you play your game?

Running away when you're defeated.

Running far, far away.

You could have been happy.

You could have with me.

I would have tried my best to satisfy you

Maybe I'd even be successful in taming your roving eye someday.

But you threw it all away.

For what? 

Rain Fell Down

I was walking down the road with a friend, smoking a joint when a cute little thing wagging its tail came to me running, begging me to stroke it. "How did the dog understand that you'd pet it?" My friend was amused. You see animals, especially dogs, can sense love based off the vibes that people or other animals around them give.
We are the only creatures who need to verbally tell one another that we love each other, that we'd die for each other. Our love is an elaborate lie. It is to camouflage sex. That's all that there is to it.

Sometimes men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. But where do I stand on this? I crave for intimacy, but never love because it is so painful and it always ends badly.

Love can be what a parent feels for their child perhaps? My father came back home after years and having him around changes the energy of the house. I'm starting to understand that a child needs both feminine as well as masculine energy around them as they grow up, a disbalance causes improper emotional development-much like my case.

Love can also be a simple text message from your best friend checking up on you from time to time, to see that you have not killed yourself it. It is that feeling when someone won't judge you and will always want the best for you, who you can be your true self with.
My college experience wasn't typical because I was out playing gigs and consequently skipping class. It was in the second year that I connected with M, my soul sister. We had the same affection for the villains of history and were equally compassionate about picking out the faults of our education system. We took a trip to Shantiniketan, the 4 musketeers, and it was during that trip that I realised what a beautiful phase my college-life was. The year after, after the end of our third and final year, we took a trip to the sea. On the last day of our vacation, the four of us sat on the beach soaked in water and just stared into the vastness that was the sea. None of us spoke a word and yet it was such a beautiful moment. It was at that moment when I knew I loved M and our friendship and I would never let go, no matter what.
Since the end of college, we've tried our best to stay in touch. The strange thing about love is that you don't have to constantly talk to the person or meet the person you care about. We meet everytime we are in the same city and even though there are long periods of not being in touch, I feel completely at ease with her when we are together. What is love but a deep-rooted friendship? It is the sense of trust, the comfort in knowing that you can bare your heart to someone and they'll not break it.


I was stoned and walking around town yesterday and it felt like it was going to rain. It did. All night long. It was poetic, beautiful.
As the first drops of rain touched the parched ground, I realised that I was surrounded by love in all shapes and forms. I wanted a sign and the universe had finally given me one.
A broken heart mends eventually, all it takes is a little bit of time...

Valentines Day (or is it Valentine's Day)

We lay on the bed listening to our favourite music, naked, holding hands for some strange reason. He looked younger than I remembered. 

Stoned out of our minds from the chillum of highly stale weed that I found. The sunlight filtered in through the curtains, falling on his arms. Strong. He'd hold me forever he said, he wouldn't let go.

I was emotional. It was a strange kind of melancholy.

I woke up from the dream and realised that P's been gone for 3 years now. He bought a one-way ticket and he's never going to return. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to dream again. 

By pretending to be strong all this while, I realised that the child in me wasn't dead yet, just stuck somewhere dying to breathe.

Love never dies, your priorities in life change. A part of me will always be stuck trying to get over the man I loved who left me stranded. 

It's always the same story. 

The cycle ends only when you die.