Dignity

You're gonna badmouth me?

Tell them your dirty lies?

Baby, I'm a ronin,

I will survive.

My Own Nightmare

The past week has been excruciatingly painful owing to my personal crises. But my nightmare is over now. I feel blessed to have people in my life who I know will help me out every time I hit rock bottom. I couldn't ask for more, really.

I made a song I want to have sex to. It's quite aptly called 'I Am My Own Nightmare'. I figure I'll have to be a little bit stronger if I want to live this sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle. It is not for the faint-hearted.
The problem with being a girl in a man's world is that you eventually start thinking and acting like a dude without even realising it.
You say yes when someone asks if you want to snort some cocaine, you say yes when someone offers you a drink, you say yes when someone asks you if you're single. You say yes because you don't care about the consequences of your actions, you figure you'll deal with the shitstorm if and when it comes.

I am a badass, yes, but what if I don't want to be sometimes?

I want to remember the tiniest details of eventful days and nights. But I can't. I forget faces. I forget names. I want to hold back sometimes, dial down that crazy. This is what I have become.

Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.

Meaningless relationships, with people who love the idea of me, never me. I tried so hard but in the end I couldn't. It's humiliating to let someone treat me so badly for no reason. At what point did I become so deranged that I chose to continue fucking someone who'd done the cruelest things to me? It's not fair I pretend to be such a rockstar when in reality I'm just a little girl looking for some love.

But my last relationship with a guy taught me to change the way I look at love and affection. It doesn't even matter who I choose to fuck, I'm never going to find the things that I'm looking for, simply because my perfect man doesn't exist. At best I can hope for good sex once in a while.

I'm going to keep snorting all these drugs and seducing all these men and women. I WILL sleep with 30 year olds and possibly older ones. I don't care. I am evil incarnate. Someone broke my heart and now I have none.
I am not looking for love anymore. It doesn't exist.

I Am My Own Nightmare-Plastic Parvati

Rain Fall Down

You can never win if your heart is not pure.
Stop playing victim in situations you aren't.
You're the villain, you stupid boy.
You're the villain of your stories.


I know when someone else makes love to you, you'll be thinking of me.
My body.
My heart.
My head.
My sex.
Your hands on my back.
My hand on your dick.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

You can woo all the people in the world.
But they'll never love you like I did.
You can put your dick in her face
Her hands
Her vagina
And yet she can never be me.


It's just a matter of a good fuck.
You won't get it though.
I dare you, I double dare you.

I will haunt you for as long as I live
Eat away at your conscience
Reminding you of your ugliness every time you touch someone else.
I dare you to get my sex out of your head.
I double dare you.

And as for me, I'm trying to be an adult.
You know I don't kiss and tell.
I have my flaws, but I am invincible.
I have been through your hell.

Deepest Scars

The start of something, anything is always beautiful. It could be a song, it could be a new project or heck, it could even be the initial stages of a friendship. 

I wonder what my life will be like when I'm 30ish. I've always imagined it'll be a rainy afternoon lying around with my lover perhaps, reading a book, listening to a jazz record. Perhaps slightly stoned. Perhaps very content, not necessarily happy, but content.

What to do, girl's gotta have some dreams right? 

Verbal Vomit

Am I talking too fast?

Am I staring too hard?

Please don't judge me,

I only want to kiss you, a little more perhaps.

Am I spacing out too much?

Am I too involved?

Please don't hate me,

I only want to love you. 

Boy v/s Man

I'm infatuated with you, why can't you understand. I think about you when I have nothing else to think about. Think of me too sometimes, please. Or I'll end up giving my still broken heart to someone else.

We're all so lonely, looking for some company. We crave for someone to wake up next to, not always but once in a while maybe. Someone to share and over-share with. 

Isn't it the best feeling, to not go to bed with a broken heart and wake up with a smile? Knowing that someone cares very deeply for you. 

But you're not the one. 

You're not the one I've been looking for.

It's alright though.

I give up.

I can't spend my life chasing after you.

He's new.

Brand new and shiny.

With the face of an angel.

He wants to know me, pick my brain.

The feeling is mutual.

Maybe I'm a bad person for humoring him because I can't have you.

But what do I do?

I'm lonely too.

Simplicity.

Innocence.

Humility.

It'll only be a matter of time I will fall deeply in love.

I thought I'd be you.

I was wrong. 

Lover Of Lovers

I still think about you sometimes.

I wonder if you think about me too.

Do you love me still?

What if I said I love you, too.

But I'll never come back to you.

You pushed me away, threw me out.

I can't return to you anymore.

All the lies and slander.

Your desperation.

Your infidelity.

So many good things, too many bad.

Sex.

So much sex.

Oral.

Anal.

Top.

Bottom.

Left.

Right.

Side.

Upfront.

Standing.

Sitting

Lying down.

Bending forward.

Bending back.

Bondage.

Submission.

Role-play.

Or plain vanilla sex.

A rush, everytime. 

Do you remember the first million times we kissed? Under the moonlight, not a soul around. 

One could make a movie out of our lives.

But so much violence, so much pain

I didn't mind how you'd handle my body.

Paint your pictures.

Mark your territory.

Kiss every inch of it.

It felt like you worshipped my body sometimes.

It felt like I knew every inch of your skin.

Strange familiarity.

You knew my kinks and I knew yours.

Our deepest fantasies, our biggest dreams.

Was it even real what we had or was it just the drugs?

It makes me sad to think that you'd probably try and recreate what we had with someone new, as will I someday.

It makes me lose hope in the concept of "love".

Maybe I wasn't all that fantastic.

Maybe we didn't really have a connection that goes beyond words, it was probably a little fantasy I had conjured in my head.

My heart refuses to let go, make room for someone new.

They won't fuck me like you did.

They won't fuck me like you do.

Off and On

When someone takes your clothes off, piece by piece.
There's a fire burning in your lions.
You want him, more than anything in the world, you want him.

You kiss.
Your tongues find each other.
They dance.
Mate.
Connect.
Become one.

He holds you in his arms, you're in love.
All of a sudden.
Your guards drop.
You're naked and vulnerable in front of him.
The two of you know you want to make love.
For a change.
Probably your first time.
You want his love more than his hunger this time.
He treats you gently, doesn't reprimand you like the other times when you two've frolicked in public spaces, cars, rooftops, rooms etc etc.
He enters you without his guard on.
His heart is his dick.
So gentle, so loving, so satisfying.
You don't orgasm but you feel strangely ecstatic, like you're on drugs.
You feel whole for a fraction of a second and you want to hold on to that feeling forever.

You make endless and eternal love on an afternoon as the sunlight soaks in through the curtains. You're in his room, you want to be in his heart.
Hours seem like mere minutes.
The deed is done, you're back to wearing your clothes again.

Why must he tell you that he loves you when he doesn't.
He mistakes lust for love.
You mistake love for lust.
Game over.

Newfound Singlehood:Observations

1.  The ratio of man:woman at social gatherings is terrible. Even if you don't want it, you will find yourself chatting with more men than women.
2. At what point does a conversation become flirting? I am so terrible at flirting. I have the charm of a cockroach. It's sad and hilarious at the same time.
3. It is now very clear that I only pique the interest of 30 somethings and about-to-be 30 somethings. For me, it is scary because I still identify as a girl and not yet a woman. Like a game, I try and pick their brains, try to figure them out. It's exhausting though, they're tougher nuts to crack.
4. My options are endless but why can't I find a person I actually like and want to be with? I'm not compromising anymore, if you want me then you'll have to woo me, seduce me, possibly make me fall in love.
5. Nobody tells you how lonely it gets from time to time. You don't want to spend so much time choosing from available options, ultimately I'd like to hit it off with that one special person and be with them and only them. I wish I could function like a guy in these matters, I'd just fuck and forget. It's a lot more convenient that way.
6. I am totally crushing on a douchebag at the moment. Why, heart, why do you do this to me every time?
7. All these months of being single has made me realise that human beings are conceited, full of themselves and most of them are damaged beyond repair. I almost regret sticking my tongue down this one guy's throat who will just not stop talking about his ex girlfriends and lovers. OH MY GOD, IT IS THE WORST THING, to have to patiently listen to people go on and on and on about their sexual/romantic history. Why do grown-ass men do this!
8. Women are wicked. Stay away from them. DO NOT fall in love with another woman. DO NOT. Just don't, no good will come of it.

Done By None

The older I grow, the more I am sure that dating men isn't quite my thing. I love dick, but I hate the person it comes attached with, usually almost always. The last person I was in a relationship of sorts with, scarred me beyond repair and somehow it's not even about him, all men are like that. At least almost all the ones I have been with so far in life. I don't get men, I just don't understand the way they think and function. First they chase you, woo you only because they want to sleep with you. It's good initially and then they have this obsessive need to look around elsewhere. You can be a goddess in bed and yet your will find it hard to control his roving eye. Why? I don't get why sex is so important for men, sex without any connection, without any intimacy. I need to feel connected to the person I am having sex with, how can I have good sex otherwise? I probably won't even orgasm.
Why can't women orgasm as easily as men?

I have often dated people who I have been obviously too good for and yet it is they who have treated me like shit. It's a little absurd when I think of all the vile things people have done and said. But why? Why are men so cruel?
I'm done with men. All of them. I'm sick and tired of pining after guys only to have them crush my heart into pieces. I think I have been going about this all wrong. I need to find me a good woman with the same relationship goals as me.

Your loss, men of the world.
I could have been the best you've ever had, but you missed your chance.

My Head, My Rules

I have been working out religiously these last few weeks and even if it doesn't show just yet, I feel so incredibly good about my body these days. Truth be told, I had let myself go and I think I reached my melting point when I'd see how ugly I was starting to become. Fat in all the wrong places, so unfit, so inflexible. But I have sworn to myself that I will not let my body go there again, it's a scary place and sometimes there's no coming back when you get there. I'm young and I refuse to let my youth go to waste like this. Shit happens but you've got to pick yourself up and get back on the road again.

I am excited to let someone see me naked, see how lean I've become. I want someone to enjoy my body, pleasure it. I don't know who and I don't know when just yet but I am looking forward to it, yes.

I make all these rules as I grow. The latest one being to not let people fall in love with me. People fall in love very easily and that kills me sometimes because I can't seem to reciprocate. This is exactly why I hate dating boys. They're much too naive, too young. They fall in love at the drop of a hat, just like I fall for older guys. It's a perpetual love triangle.
I may be a brat but I have a heart, I don't want people to undergo unnecessary misery because of me. I have been in similar situations where I've been strung along and trust me, it's not a good feeling. I hate it when people charm your pants off and then leave you stranded. I hate it. I don't want to be that person to someone else. I refuse to be a villain. I refuse to be the bad guy just for kicks.

But anyway, coming back to my body. I feel good. I feel great. The more I work out, the more I start loving my body and subsequently myself. It's the greatest romance I think-to love yourself.
I have battled body issues for a long time, since the rape to be precise and these days I don't feel inhibited or conscious to let people see me naked anymore. I give myself a pat on the back for that. Sure I still have body issues, but there are other things, bigger things in my life that I worry about these days.

It's not really a milestone, although it is something.

Seasons Change

It's hard to wake up in the morning when you have depression. It's hard to focus on things, do something constructive.
There's a voice that tells me that it's not worth it, I'm not good enough and that I am going to waste away-nameless, faceless, without having done anything commendable with my life. Sometimes it's hard to shake that voice off and prove it wrong. So I stay in bed. I keep my eyes closed. I dream of a different life, a happier one.


Living with depression has taught me to be strong, but it becomes so incredibly tiring after a point of time. Years have passed, years will pass, but my depression does not go away. It has crawled so deep into my skin that I am afraid of letting it go. What if I lose my strength if my depression goes away?

I wait patiently for the mania to strike, I crave for it like an addict. I am ready to spend an infinite amount of time in pain for that one moment of euphoria. I am the worst kind of addict there is. Sometimes I wish my parents had in fact checked me into a rehab, instead of just contemplating. Maybe I would have turned out different then.

I am a little bit crazy.
But my soul is clean.
I wish someone would atleast try to get to know me.
Unfortunately, people fall in love too easily.

New Beginnings/Closure

It's the little things in life, like waking up to a message and maybe your heart skips a beat. That sinking feeling caused by someone else starts to fade slowly. You learn to pick yourself up with time. Start over.

This is pretty much the third time J's asked me out on a date, nothing fancy, just drinks perhaps. It's not even a date sort of a date, but I've been stalling it every time. He's incredibly attractive and quite the brains too. Almost too perfect, too good to be true.

I am so incredibly scared. What if we don't click? What if he doesn't like me? What if we run out of things to talk about? Will there be a second date if I were to accept? 

I want to take it slow this time around, I don't want to drop my clothes right away, my guard with it.

We never talk about romance or anything romantic. He doesn't flirt, neither do I.

Is this how adults initiate something? A relationship or a friendship perhaps? I spend my day on my own, doing my things. But it's nice to have someone to talk to, about random things when I'm feeling lonely. Politics, sports, the economy, sociology etc etc.

The thought of fucking him doesn't cross my mind as much as having a deep, intellectual conversation with him does. 

Am I growing up, into a woman? Isn't this how ladies behave? Random hookups don't excite me anymore, fooling around is for kids. I'm looking for something real this time. I want fidelity, I want security. I don't want steamy sex if it comes at the cost of feeling abandoned afterwards.

Being the child in a relationship has brought me a lot of pain and honestly it is all my fault because I have been making all the wrong choices. I pick someone who is completely wrong from the start, thinking I can change them, thinking my love will change them. But it almost never works. "Time is a flat circle" and people keep doing and redoing the same things over and over again, nobody ever changes.

I met someone the other day who reminded me of myself a year or so back. It's lovely when someone makes you dream of the glorious future, but I pray that she stays safe and he treats her right. A precious flower, hope he doesn't crush her and abandon her, like they've done to me. I want to tell her to be strong and brace herself incase she is thrown into a storm but I think she'll learn and grow on her own anyway.

I envy some people. Their lives are simple and they are happy. Stupid people are always happy because they don't think too much. I wish I could be stupid for a day, maybe I'd be happy too.

The initial stages of attraction are always the greatest. You know you're going to fall in love eventually, it's only a matter of time

But I'm going to be strong this time. I will toughen up by choice. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and having my heart crushed to bits.

I want to be with someone who loves me and treats me right. My demands are simple. But I'm not going to compromise this time around.

I deserve something great, if not the best. I didn't kiss all the frogs for nothing, get scarred by them. 

Mondo Noi

Some people feel it in their hearts.
They express through words, through actions.
Us musicians are blessed, we express through song.

I sat with with my favourite boys yesterday to randomly jam on a song S had made during his last few months in hibernation. We ended up recording a scratch version of it with just guitars, bass, some keyboards and vocals. I have listened to it about 100 times since last night and the more I listen to it, the more deeply I fall in love with it.
It's beautiful what collective heartbreak and frustration can lead to, you just need to channelise your energy into the right thing.

The plan is to just sit and write and record, without any expectations or pressure.
Our lives may be B-grade.
Our city might be B-grade.
But our dreams, our feelings are real.

"নিয়ম মেনে চলে
কখনো হারিয়ে গেলে
ক্ষতি কোথায়ে
ক্ষতি কোথায়ে 

সকাল- বিকেল গেলো
নিজেকে লাগে ভালো
মন্দ নই!
আমি মন্দ নই! "

I swear to god I will cry when I track this song when/if we record this properly. The last time I had this feeling was when we were heading back home from the studio after tracking 'Raju Banega Gentleman'. We had perfect takes for the song because we were all feeling it in our hearts. We were driving back home listening to the version we'd tracked and all of us just fell silent, beaming with pride. Not because it was the best song or whatever, we had all been honest and that made all the difference.

Honesty.

Loyalty.

Hardwork.

Humility.

My B-grade city and my B-grade life may be the cause of immense ridicule, but my ideals are stronger than anything you will ever see.

1:23 am

"I miss the girl I knew"


V and I had the strangest relationship. I met him when I was around 16 and after a summer of crushing on him and finally ending up cheating on my boyfriend with him, we became friends. But of the strange kind. We were never in a relationship but neither was our friendship platonic. He'd give the largest love-bites, sexy was the new cool. To make matters worse for me, he was such a darn good kisser. I swear to god I was addicted to kissing him. He was a drug I couldn't stop doing even though I knew he was really bad for me. His reputation as a casanova was set in stone and I knew I was just one of the many, like one of Sebastian's conquests from Cruel Intentions, but I didn't care. I figured that I wouldn't be young forever. 
I was in high school for pete's sake, it was a crazy time for my hormones. They were quite out of control. This was also the time when I was going through a self-destructive phase when I felt dirty and used up from the rape. I figured I could sleep with whoever I wanted to, it's not like I was going to get abused again. Atleast now I knew what sex was like, atleast it would be consensual. 

We'd fool around over the next couple of years, off and on but it never amounted to either of us falling in love with each other. I used to find him very attractive, but I could somehow never love him. Even though I was completely okay with his promiscuity, I couldn't get myself to settle down with him knowing his dick would still be in someone else's pussy every other day even with me in the picture. 

 

When you're a young girl and starting to become aware of your sexuality, you are basically a kid in a candy shop. The possibilites are endless. It was the perfect definition of 'friends with benefiits' for us. But the older you grow, you realise that being someone's booty call or having a fuck buddy is rather degrading. It's impossible to separate infatuation from sex. At the end of the day, you need some romance in your life-it can't be about hardcore, no mercy fucking all the time. 

Anyway, V and I gradually lost touch and never really hung out as friends once the sex stopped. It was strange how at one point I wanted him to want me, but he didn't. 

He really wanted me much later after I disappeared from his life but by then I'd settled down like a domesticated cow and I wasn't going to give it up for him. I was happy being in a committed relationship with someone I was starting to set life goals with. At 18, when you're in love, it is the best feeling ever. You make all these completely ridiculous and impractical plans about the future with your partner even though the chances of them never working out are sky high. 

V was always my sin. I'd always go back to him every time I wanted a quick and easy fuck, with no strings attached. He'd effortlessly fit into the parameters I had set for fuck buddies. We kept our lips sealed once the deed was done, it was a perfect arrangement. 

I could go back to my old ways and sleep with him just to get all this energy off me, but at 23, I realise that the solution to a broken heart is not sex with someone you don't really care about. We've played this game over and over again as teenagers but it seems so silly the older you grow. 

The problem lies with me. I've spent my entire adolescence not believing in romance, but things have changed post the debacle that was A. I want to believe in romance and I want to feel loved. I want someone in my life who will want me and only me, as I will want only him/her.

I'm losing my faith with men in general. I get every man usually wants to have sex wth me, that is why they flirt with me in the first place, but then what? Move on to someone else? What about me in that case? This arrangement has no returns for me, what do I get out of it, maybe mediocre sex at best.

When A and I started fucking, it was mad. We were all over each other, but during the last time with him at someone else's house, I realised that I couldn't do this to myself. I wouldn't do this to myself. 

It's better to not have sex and be celibate than fuck someone who makes you feel like a whore. 

V and I passed our expiry date years ago, I feel giddy when I think of all the fun things we've done. But then I also remember breaking someone's heart for him and ultimately paying the price for it for years after that.

When you're feeling down and out, defeated with life, it's nice to receive a message from someone saying that they miss you. But just because they miss you doesn't mean that you are obligated to respond. Sometimes you just have to let go and move  on I guess.

At 1:23 am he said, "I miss the girl I knew" "Why don't we ever hang out anymore"

...baby, you're 5 years too late! 

Rain Fell Down

I was walking down the road with a friend, smoking a joint when a cute little thing wagging its tail came to me running, begging me to stroke it. "How did the dog understand that you'd pet it?" My friend was amused. You see animals, especially dogs, can sense love based off the vibes that people or other animals around them give.
We are the only creatures who need to verbally tell one another that we love each other, that we'd die for each other. Our love is an elaborate lie. It is to camouflage sex. That's all that there is to it.

Sometimes men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. But where do I stand on this? I crave for intimacy, but never love because it is so painful and it always ends badly.

Love can be what a parent feels for their child perhaps? My father came back home after years and having him around changes the energy of the house. I'm starting to understand that a child needs both feminine as well as masculine energy around them as they grow up, a disbalance causes improper emotional development-much like my case.

Love can also be a simple text message from your best friend checking up on you from time to time, to see that you have not killed yourself it. It is that feeling when someone won't judge you and will always want the best for you, who you can be your true self with.
My college experience wasn't typical because I was out playing gigs and consequently skipping class. It was in the second year that I connected with M, my soul sister. We had the same affection for the villains of history and were equally compassionate about picking out the faults of our education system. We took a trip to Shantiniketan, the 4 musketeers, and it was during that trip that I realised what a beautiful phase my college-life was. The year after, after the end of our third and final year, we took a trip to the sea. On the last day of our vacation, the four of us sat on the beach soaked in water and just stared into the vastness that was the sea. None of us spoke a word and yet it was such a beautiful moment. It was at that moment when I knew I loved M and our friendship and I would never let go, no matter what.
Since the end of college, we've tried our best to stay in touch. The strange thing about love is that you don't have to constantly talk to the person or meet the person you care about. We meet everytime we are in the same city and even though there are long periods of not being in touch, I feel completely at ease with her when we are together. What is love but a deep-rooted friendship? It is the sense of trust, the comfort in knowing that you can bare your heart to someone and they'll not break it.


I was stoned and walking around town yesterday and it felt like it was going to rain. It did. All night long. It was poetic, beautiful.
As the first drops of rain touched the parched ground, I realised that I was surrounded by love in all shapes and forms. I wanted a sign and the universe had finally given me one.
A broken heart mends eventually, all it takes is a little bit of time...

Coping With Clinical Depression

Nobody goes out of their way to be nice
how many appreciate the beauty of a flower?
it wilts just as quickly as it blossoms
-fading away into oblivion.
Much like me.
So much like me.

In my fortress of solitude that I have built for myself,
I live and I die everyday,
hoping that the heaviness will lift one morning
and the pain will be gone
but nothing changes and everyday is just the same.

It won't be long before I stop dreaming
And face my reality
I came here alone and I shall die alone
Faceless, nameless.

"why can't you be happy?"
"why can't you stop being so depressed all the time?"
they don't know, they wouldn't understand.

I wish I could write love songs for somebody on Valentine's Day, serenade them. But nobody wants me when I don't offer them my body. That's okay I guess, I've never been a priority, some people aren't meant for those things. So I crawl into my shell, I am safe, I am comfortable. I don't need the outside world.

I remember a particular Valentine's Day when I smoked pot for the first time with the dadas from my neighbourhood. My date cancelled on the very last minute and I was terribly heartbroken. This was when I was young and quite stupid. I may know how to roll a joint now but many lightyears ago, the way we smoked weed was by painstakingly stuffing it into a cigarette. Or a chillum. I watched the guys meticulously roll a couple of joints. There was alcohol too, but I wasn't a drinker back then. One of them, my favourite, even got me a tube of dendrite and a polythene bag since he sensed my sadness. The weed made me so lightheaded, so dizzy and it was nothing like my dendrite high. It was fascinating. But I swore to myself that I would never get addicted to it, glue would always be my drug of choice.

I don't remember much from that day, except for feeling very happy not to have spent it alone. It was nice to hang out with a bunch of college boys who treated me as their cool, younger sister. I wonder where they are nowadays. Working perhaps, some maybe even married. It's strange that I've seen 23 Valentine's Days so far and the only one I can recollect at the moment, is one which included no romantic activity with a partner.

Since Shoshibabu's passing, I've been so incredibly lonely that I can physically feel the pain sometimes, like a permanent knot in my stomach, an ulcer, a cyst.
You don't choose your pets, they choose you. If it's meant to be then they'll come to you.

I'm planning to adopt dogs again, after all these years. I grew up with a dog, Ticklie, who was not a pet but a member of the family. She was the cutest thing. My mother tells me that when I was an infant, she would guard my cot and growl at anybody who came too close to it.

I remember my grandfather telling me that Ticklie was resting and would be resting for a long time because she was tired and her body wanted some rest. I knew that she was gone, not just asleep. "Do pets go to heaven when they die?" I asked my grandfather. "Yes, they are god's favourite children" my grandfather told me. And I believed him.
I still do believe that animals go to heaven when they die, unlike the humans who outlive them and are made to rott, here on earth. What is this world but an everyday hell?

It's strange how no human being has been able to love me like my pets have. Unconditional love doesn't exist in humans. That saddens me. We need a day to express love for someone we love/we need a day to remind ourselves that no one loves us.

I've decided to spend this Valentine's Day binge watching a few movies and eating pizza in bed. I figure I don't have to shave my legs and watch my weight since I have nobody who wants me, really wants me.
Everybody likes the person they see on stage, they bow down to her. But off-stage, nobody really cares, all they ever want is to get into that cool chick's pants. 

I would do anything to go back in time, coming back home from school after a particularly bad day and going off to sleep-that was how I'd cope. I'd wake up to find myself hugging my cat who had mysteriously snuggled under the blanket with me.
Simple times. Simple joys.

My pets have always protected me, shielded me from my depression and now that I am all alone, I realise that they weren't mere pets, they were my angels who watched over me and took care of me. They wanted nothing in return, their love was selfless and uncoditonal.
It also made me realise that I am incapable of being loved by a human being and I am incapable of loving them back. I do not understand the concept of love, as perceived by humans.

But that's okay I guess. I tell myself that I can live without human company, affection. I'm more inclined towards looking for a pair of dogs (or cats) to share my home with, to give my love to. My Prince Charming will only poison my soul once hes sticks his dick inside me. Disney movies are not real. The reality of love is that it is just an elaborate porno about two humans choosing to mate to ensure the continuation of their species. All other things are just lies.

I'm 23 and all alone on the day of love. If I don't learn my lesson now then I probably deserve what I'm getting.

Dawn breaks, 

another day,

hope leaves this body,

cell by cell.

Today I am 50 percent melancholic

and 50 percent sure that I want to kill myself.

Tomorrow, the equation might change.

I'm a coward who puts on a brave face.

That's what I am.

I don't have the courage to die today.

But tomorrow might be a different day.

The equation might change.

I've been missing.

I've been missing.

I'm a 100 percent sure that nobody's looking for me.

But what they don't know is that the disappearing act is for real this time.

It was never meant to be.

I was never meant to exist.

A worthless, mediocre life that ultimately amounted to nothing.

But tomorrow will be a different day.

Tomorrow I will be gone. 

Consensual

what causes one to be cruel, so cruel?
what makes one act like a savage, a beast?
centuries of evolution and yet you cannot think beyond yourself.
living in perpetual gloom.
and memories of days bygone.

I open my eyes and I'm a nymph at 12. I figure I'm Lolita, I can handle it all. But I'm not Lolita. I don't know what a man's genitals look like.
"Touch it", he places my hand over his dick.
It looks like a worm, a snake, a deformity.
I can see it grow slowly and steadily.
I am scared. It intimidates me.
He places his dick in my mouth. It tastes sour, like death. My death.

I'm in my training bra, didn't anticipate we'd come this far. All I wanted was a kiss, nothing more. I didn't know there was a world beyond a kiss. He squeezes my nipples, for I do not have a breast he can hold on to. It feels strange to let someone see me naked for the first time.
I'm embarrassed of the hair around my vagina.
I'm embarrassed and petrified as he slides his fingers around and then into it.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot more than I can imagine.
Just one finger.


Is this what adults do for recreation?
Is this what grownups always fantasize about?

I see him looking at me as he makes me suck his dick.
I understand that he feels a great deal of pleasure.
I am sexslave. I'm his sexslave for the evening.

"Are you scared?" "No"
I lie. I'm not a convincing liar but he needs to hear what he wants to hear.

It is the month of December but somehow I do not feel cold. Only scared. Broken.

How did I get to this part of my nightmare?
He was stronger than I imagined.
I had nothing on but a pair of earrings.
He was dressed, except for the dick sticking out of his pants.
(Or did he take his shirt off? I can't quite remember)

Degradation.
Humiliation.
But a severe breach of trust, more than anything else.

I lay there like a nymphsexdoll. He couldn't get his dick to go into my vagina on the first try. He told me that it would hurt and reassured me that "I" would feel good. I did not believe him, not a word he said. But I was too lost to respond, let alone fight back.

I shut my eyes and felt pain. Nothing but pain.
It was nothing like I had imagined it to be.
He grunted and pushed hard and I prayed for the ordeal to end.
I wouldn't let him see me cry.
I wouldn't give him the pleasure.

It's been over a decade since the incident. I've been called a "sex goddess" by a few men I have slept with. I have seen the pleasure in their eyes as they orgasm. Sex with me is a high, I've been told. But nobody knows that they're fucking a dead person.
I die the moment they enter me. Nobody has been able to make me feel alive.

What's the best sex I've had so far in life?
I haven't had any good sex.
Nobody has loved me the way I deserve to be loved.
I have merely given my body to those seeking pleasure.

I'm quite mad.
But that's okay, I like to believe that I'm saving myself for the right person when they come along.

Not Old Enough To Be Young Yet

It's always the same dream these days, always. Vivid, vivid details and pretty much the same storyline. I'm pregnant and soon to be a single mother. It always ends in miscarriage or in death. I wake up crying the same tears literally every goddamn day. Is it because I don't think I am capable of handling my own life without someone else's support? Why do I keep seeing the same things and the same people?
Yesterday it was a previous lover and his new found romance, completely oblivious to my pain and today it was just me trying to run without falling down (which I did btw, totally killing the baby in the womb), away from a beast who was trying to kill me.
The supporting characters in my dream are always so indifferent, so apathetic. I'm scared of falling asleep because it's been 5 days in a row and I'm starting to think that I am in fact losing my mind.