The Day The City Died.

The fire at the Stephen Court in Park Street, Kolkata on Tuesday reinforced the fears of the fragility and instability of life in me all over again. We may feel invincible, but we're not. We're so weak when put to test against nature's wrath and destiny.

The chef at the Bridge was giving us a first hand account of the experience during our post-gig dinner at Somep last night and it gave me goosebumps to say the least.

Dude, it's friggin PARK STREET! I LOVE Park Street! It's almost like my third home, my favourite fine dining restaurant, my favourite eating joint, my favourite salon, my favourite bar, my favourite place to shop, my favourite bookstore and even my "workplace"-it's all in Park Street... a part of me died reading about the fire in the newspaper and even worse watching the news on television.

My heart goes out to all those who've lost someone, my heart goes out to all the victims and for those who fell victim to the diaster, may their souls rest in peace.

Amen.

AND yes, I hope that the incompetent, the corrupt and the sloth-filled firemen/police go to hell for not trying hard enough. I'm sure not all were least bothered but you have to admit, a lot of them weren't. I hope they die a painful death and suffer a similar fate. Dude, if you don't have it in you to be a hero and save someone else instead of worrying about your own safety then do the public a favour and DON'T join such forces, take up a 9 to 5 job instead. Bloody bastards.

End Day/ Day's End

Being broken up has reignited the flame that burned in me at one point of time, the flame that made me, well, Suyasha.

A lot pf people have a lot of opinions it seems, but it's only during a bad phase that you know who your friends are. I KNOW who my friends are. There were some who I thought would be there to keep me company but I was mistaken, they were only around for the sake of it, that's okay, I give a shit to them anyway.

BUT there are those who've exceeded my expectations and how. Some have just made me want to cry in gratitude. Like for instance, last night during the gig, Rockstar boy dropped in just to give me a hug and ask me if I was doing okay, before reassuring me that everything would be fine. Sometimes that ALL you need, just a hug and some reassurance. Yes, my life may lack a lot of things now, but I'm good. It's all good, there's so much more to look forward to in life as well.

It's a little annoying however, how I can't really express myself the way I want to here because of professional reasons and the fact that too many unwanted people read this, I'm trying to get used to the fact that you can't have your cake and eat it too at all times. It's alright. It's all good.

And another thing that I will NOT do here is bitch about my now ex-boyfriend. He may be flawed, but I'm flawed too, nobody's perfect and everybody has their shortcomings. I cannot resort to cheap publicity by bringing him down, I don't need that and I'm not that kind of a person. I would not like to comment on "leeches" as well, every social circle consists of them and talking about them would only give them importance. SO if you're expecting stuff to gossip about, then you're mistaken my friend.

The Pseudo gig last night was the last gig with the current lineup and I feel a little heartbroken somehow. Drummer Kaku is off to Bombay for a month and by the time he's back, Black Ninja won't be here anymore. I'll miss drummer kaku but he will be back eventually, so I can seek consolation in that, but Black Ninja quitting is just too much. I mean I love music and playing with your best friend is one of the best thing's that I could hope for, too bad it'll come to an end, but then again, everything happens for a reason. I WANT him to grow as a musician and make me proud. I want his priority to be music, always. Pseudo may have brought us together but it's not like we'll stop being so close once he leaves!

So like I just mentioned, everything happens for a reason, generally for the better. Whatever is happening in my life right now is because of a reason. I just need to hold on to it right now and wait and watch patiently what lies in store for me in the future!

The End.

I've been single and horribly mindfucked for what, 1 day now and the barrage of people sympathizing with me just to hook up with me is just not funny...it's amazing how insensitive people can get at others' misery and the extent to which they will stoop to, to get attention.

It's nauseating.

I can't smoke pot, or anything because it's bad for my throat. But I've been drinking every waking minute just to shut the feelings out. Does it work? I don't care, it distracts me, that's good enough for now. I singlehandedly murdered the one exam which I thought I'd do well in, but that's okay. That's the price that I've had to pay for taking a stand. It's okay. Time heals all wounds.

But this relationship taught me how vulnerable and how fragile I really am. I've had to bear a lot of hurt and a lot of pain, yet strangely I felt comforted thinking of how we always made up after a fight. However, that just doesn't happen all the time.

I'm a very caring and a very loving person, I give everything that I have when I make a commitment BUT that does not mean that I shut my eyes to how I'm being taken for granted and how I'm not being treated right.

Anyway, I''m still in a lot of pain, not because it's over but because I feel strangely empty now. I love Retard a little too much to get over him. But I hope he moves on just fine, I KNOW he'll move on just fine. Despite everything, I'll only keep the good memories and flush out the bad ones. I want to remember him as the boy who made me laugh, not the one who'd make me cry.

So here's something (cheesy, very) that I'd like to sum this up with:

Time warps itself

into a monster

that we thought was "meant to be"

But I'm not "the one"

I never was.

I'm so ordinary.

After an ocean of love came

a series of heartbreaks and

a chain of melancholy

You tried too much to make me.

I tried too hard to obey

And be something that I wasn't meant to be.

But that's okay my babe,

The sorrow will be forgotten

Only the good times I'll keep in my memory.

I'll never forget the look in your eyes.

I'll never forget the way you kiss.

They'll be our precious jewels locked in a treasury.

Despite what you did.

Despite what you may do,

I've always had, I always have

And I always will, I'll always love you...

(Fucked up punctuation, whatever!)

"I'm in love...and always will be..."

But that doesn't give you the right to treat me like you do all the time.

Hurt me once, it'll heal.

Hurt me again, I'll crawl into my shell.

I won't come out till you coax me to.

I won't come back till you prove to me that you love me.

But I'll love you the same.

I wont be with you till you give a good reason why I should be with you in the first place.

Divide And Fool.

I'll bring him home one day.

Get him drunk on expensive alcohol.

Make him follow me into my bedroom.

Take his clothes off, one by one.

I'll make him take mine off as well.

I'll caress his firm torso with my fingers.

And gently kiss his lips.

And his mouth.

And his neck.

And his mind.

And his soul.

Till he can't hold his feelings back any longer.

Till he can't get me out of his head.

I'll go where no woman in his life has gone so far.

I'll take him with me as I fly.

I'll bring him down if he lets go of me.

I want him.

I may not need him, but I want him nevertheless.

I always get what I want.

Should he be intimidated or flattered by me?

He wouldn't know.

I'd never tell him.

I'm the goddess of his dreams-virginal and pure.

I don't want to burst his bubble.....so soon.

Earthquake

You're just a memory

Rotting away in the crevices of my mind

You're all the things that pull me down.

You're all the ties that bind.

You're only in my head

You're my make-belief bliss.

You're just a lonely tear.

You're just a lost kiss.

So many things I've lost.

So many things I've won.

One of these days, I'll come undone.

As perfect as perfect can be,

You're the cause of my down fall

You're the one who wont let me grow.

You're the one who wont let me stand tall.

You're just a manipulator.

You're just the puppet-master.

On your commands I sway.

You make my heart beat faster.

You played with my life.

You played with me for fun.

And now, I've come undone....

"Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.."

-Francis Bacon

Make Love My Friend, Not War.

I want your embrace,

once again,

because this time I wont let go.

I know you wont say the words.

I know you wont mean them even if you do.

That's okay,

I've been through much worse.

You own me now.

Make me dance on your fingers,

it's all good.

I know you can lie through the storm.

I know you'll fool me every single time.

That's okay,

I'm not a child anymore.

Harlequin

The darkness fell on her face,

The darkness of her endless goodbyes,

As I lost myself yet again

Looking into her eyes

I watched her as she fell

I watched her well.

Her flaming red eyes,

filled with despise.

Like a lamb, I was her prey.

She tortured me night and day.

She was always on my mind.

And then she left me behind,

her heart.

I fell in love.

I fell in love.

I fell in love.

And she was gone...

Death of A Dreamer.

Sometimes I need to stop, think and cry. I may feel better, but most of the time the heartbreak and the heartache remains constant, it doesn't really go away. I surround myself with people, but at the end of the day, I'm still an outcaste.

I shut my eyes and I'm all alone once again.

Nobody to embrace me.

Nobody to give me hope.

Nobody to tell me that everything will be okay.

I guess that's the price I have to pay for being a martyr at all times.

But I can't help it, that's the way I am.

Despite everything, I can't get myself to be a bitter person and brood over how I've been used by people over and over again. It's almost as though I've grown accustomed to it. The thought doesn't quite hurt anymore, not because I'm strong, but because I know that is something that'll never change.

I've been used by someone who wanted to fulfill his perverted sexual fantasies, when growing up.

I've been used by my friends who've only turned to seek solace in me during times of need.

I've been used by boys who've flaunted me as their arm-candy.

I've been used by a girl who thought it was fun to break a few hearts for fun.

I'm still being used in more ways that I am aware of.

That's the way it is.

I'm not all that smart, in fact, I'm quite the fool.

I'm a fool because I still believe that people are nice, they can be nice.

I'm a fool because I still trust others with all my heart.

I'm a fool because I still have some hope that things may change one day.

But I guess it wont.

I'll get raped, I'll get abused and I'll get used by people over and over again, till there's nothing left of me that I can give to them.

Maybe that's what's been written in my destiny.

And even then, I'll love and I'll trust with all my heart.

Not for anyone or anything else, but because hope is the only thing that I have left.

Without it, I'm a big nothing.

Without it, I'm a nobody.

I found my hope in him, but I guess I was wrong.

Then I found hope in someone else, I was wrong again.

I'll find my hope in someone or something else one day.

But till then, my hope remains in my heart.

My heart is filled with so much love, to give to someone, to anyone.

My heart is filled with love that will never end.

And if nothing or no one wants it, then I guess I'll keep it with me and die happy.

I'll die loving myself.

I don't anything.

I don't need anyone.

Just the love and the hope will do...

Him. And Him Again

He kisses me.

Only to cut open my wounds.

Only to pretend like it's nothing.

Only to make me cheap.

He kisses me.

Only to make me fall in love.

Only because it makes sense.

Only because he loves me.

He hits me where it hurts.

He nurses my wounds every night.

He breaks me into pieces.

He glues all the scattered pieces together.

He treats me like his fetish.

He treats me like I'm his soul.

But I cannot choose now,

The choice is no longer mine.

This, That and Others.

My feelings for him are starting to become too intense.

I'm starting to get hung up on everything that he does or says.

Stop.

Rewind.

This is too painful.

This is my worst nightmare.

Or my nicest dream?

There's this intense emotional turmoil that I've been trying to NOT get sucked into for the past couple of days. But getting high every single day isn't a very smart thing to do, the moments of clarity come too late and by the time they do, it's too late, the deed's been done already.

I have Pseudo practise today and I'm hoping that once practises start full-swing, I'll be too busy to wallow in self-disgust. !Banned has a huge array of gigs lined up as well, which will also require a lot of practise. Hopefully, I'll be left with no time for myself, I like it that way. It keeps my mind off a lot of things.

I've been a drunk before, but that was for the simple reason that I wanted to get high. I'm drinking because I like it now. I can be very high and act completely normal yet go on a rampage like I did the day before. It's all in the mind. Self-control is all in the mind. Sometimes all the pent up feelings and the repressed emotions get amplified, but it's highly unlikely that you'll do something when you're drunk that isn't already present in your subconscious.

So based on my assumption, was that something we both had been trying to suppress and push as far back into our minds as we possibly could? Something that we willingly chose to overpower us, without even the slightest bit of protest?

So Easy. So Loose.

I will be gone soon.

To another place.

Away from you.

Away from all the memories.

But I bet you won't even miss me then.

I'm just the replacement.

I'm just the whore.

I'm the tart.

I'm so easy.

Easy as pie.

If only you loved me, you'd know what you'd be missing.

Un-belong.

I am desperately in need of a vacation, not the sight-seeing kind or the ones that involve guided tours and et all, one where I can relax and take things as they come and not analyse everything frame by frame.

There was always this plan of escaping to a beach nearby for two odd nights, but somehow that plan never materialized and the people who I used to spend every single weekend with, seem so far away now. I don't know if I miss them. I don't know if I belonged at all.

You win some and you lose some.

Fair trade, ain't it?

I have others to fall back on. I have other activities to keep myself pre-occupied with. I have new places to go to. But does that mean that I have the right to shut out all those years of growing up?

They make me who I am, isn't it? They make me who I am, don't they?

What I love about life is how it's so constant. Everything changes in the most unpredictable way possible. I've learnt not to rule out any possibility, ANYTHING, just about ANYTHING can happen.

I was a normal person.

The I became a junkie.

And a hippie, who should have ideally been around during Woodstock in the 70's.

Then I became too big for my boots and wanted to change the world.

I molded myself to be a female-casanova and broke hearts.

I eventually got mine broken too.

I became the near-perfect housewife and devoted all my time to other people's needs as well.

But not anymore.

I'm more focussed on work than anything else now. For the simple reason that I'm getting to do something that I've always loved and something that I've always wanted to do, though I never really believed in myself.

In fact I wouldn't have had it not been for my neighbor who INSISTED that I give music a serious though .

Is it destiny then?

Or just plain luck?

-Huh.What?!-

Bring all your macaroni

and your pet spider too.

Don't take off your shoes,

only your pants will do.

Drink the blood.

Don't drink the blood.

The cyanide is for the fetishists, not for you.

Impregnate my dreams

with your seeds of life

So what if you don't care?

i'll still survive.

Drink the blood.

Don't drink the blood.

Those fantasies locked in jars are too good t0 be true.

Goodbyes and Badbyes.

I've spent the last thirty minutes cursing myself for neglecting my voice these last two months. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

April is sure as hell going to be busy and I don't even want to talk about May. I wont be here and the minute I land in the city, I'll get caught up with the whole cycle of practise and shows again.

But I'm not complaining, I believe in making hay while the sun shines and how! I've decided to give up my lone trip to Amsterdam (how the FUCK did I even manage to convince my parents? WAHHAHAA!!) for now. I mean I'd rather be here and do something constructive rather than go stone in the Netherlands, that too on my folks' hard earned money!

So I'm letting my parents enjoy themselves somewhere exotic for a few days before I join them in London. I'm not upset. I'm quite happy with the decisions that I've been taking these few days (apart from putting music before porashona that is!)

I don't think I'm growing up. I think I'm just letting my instincts take all the decisions on my behalf for a change.

But some decisions are rather painful. Once this period (say March? ) passes, I'm going back to being ABSOLUTELY clean, except for a few drinks here and there. The smoke really doesn't benefit my voice at all. I don't miss the cigarettes anymore, it's the greenery that's going to be hard to get off once and for all..

But then again, it's worth it. Totally worth it. Music alone can get you high, you don't need intoxicants. Inspiration alone can create that hysteric fit of creativity in you, you REALLY don't need to be dependent on intoxicants.

Or so I tell myself!

RunForrestRunnn

"Give up!

Give up you fool.

You don't belong.

You never did.

Give up now, go back home.

Settle down with your man and have his babies.

You're not cut out for this."

But I won't listen to them.

I am a ronin.

I will cut and slash and burn.

Till I attain my nirvana.

Till I reach the zenith.

You want to stop me?

I will tear you apart into pieces and feed them to vultures.