Clarity Is Such A Bitch!

I've been dreaming about the same thing for three nights now. It's not a happy one, it's morbid and it's painful. But the worst part is that it's the truth that my mind dismisses to avoid confrontations and to avoid pain. I don't know how much longer I can survive this though.

There's a very fine line between love and lust and when I looked into your eyes that day, I knew which side you were on and after a whole lot of tears, turbulence, nightmares and sleeplessness...I finally got my answer....Thankyouverymuch!


Clarity can be such a bitch, but then again two can play this game...
;)

Bloody Bloody Mary

I gave to you my life.
My mind.
My body.
My soul.

What more do you want?
What more do I give?

I gave to you my love.
My pride.
My honour.
My shame.

What more is left to give?
What more is left of me?

You broke me into pieces.
You broke my dreams.
You broke my heart.

What more can you ask for?
Silence?
I've given you that too...

Where Is My Mind?

The human mind is capable of stretching to whole new dimensions. My head never fails to shock/surprise me. Lately, it's adopted a new defense mechanism- blanking out.
Sometimes you just NEED to shut out those thoughts from breaking you into a million little pieces. Sometimes you need to lie to yourself to ensure a good night's sleep. Sometimes you just need to shut your mind off so that your life does not fall apart like a house of cards. I did that today afternoon. I will do it again in the future. It makes me happy, so, whatever, fuck reality!

And It All Falls Down...

It's well past 5 in the morning and I just got back home from work, I am feeling horrible about the circus that we've been putting up claiming to be music. I feel sick. I feel ashamed. I have let that stage down.

I hit almost all the notes perfectly. My projection was fine. My lyrics were perfect. The stage act too was immaculate, but it was all just a sham, I may have fooled them all, but I couldn't fool myself. What am I becoming?

The same person who'd practise for hours and pick up every song perfectly before every practise, regardless of a gig in the near future or not is now least bothered. The person who'd excel at replicating Nirvana songs cause they came from within now watches the television screen in front while on stage during 'Lithium'...seriously, WHAT am I becoming?

As I looked at Guitar God Kaku today, I felt ashamed for letting him down. There sat a man opposite to me who had given up every goddamn luxury in life to pursue music as a profession because to him, music comes from within and he is true to his love for music and what I have been doing to him has been nothing else apart from letting him down to the point where he's started to question his own capabilities as a musician. We've driven him to the point where he feels stagnated. Why? For our own selfish reasons.

I am sorry, I really am, on behalf of all of us. I don't want to be a rockstar, I have never wanted to be one. I've never wanted to pursue music for the fame, the glamour or the moolah. I've chosen this path because this is something that comes from within and that thank you for reminding me why I joined this band in he first place-to learn so as to become a musician one day!

Wannabe

Like a drop of water,

falling on a barren land.

You bring me back to life,

when you hold my hand.

Amidst all the darkness,

you shine like the sun.

But you're just an actor,

a very good one...

AARRRGGHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZfBR5G8FZ8

I'm in love. I'm heartbroken. I'm in pain. This is the root of all my troubles. I love this song so much that it hurts yet I can't stop listening to it. It's driving me crazy, again..

The Ground Beneath Her Feet

"All my life, i worshipped her
Her golden voice, her beauty's beat
How she made us feel
How she made me real
And the ground beneath her feet
And the ground beneath her feet

And now i can't be sure of anything
Black is white, and cold is heat
For what i worshipped stole my love away
It was the ground beneath her feet
It was the ground beneath her feet

Go lightly down your darkened way
Go lightly underground
I'll be down there in another day
I won't rest until you're found

Let me love you true, let me rescue you
Let me lead you to where two roads meet
O come back above
Where there's only love
And the ground beneath her feet
And the ground beneath her feet..."


Music: U2
Lyrics: Salman Rushdie

Bliss In Pain/Pain In Bliss

I'm so broke at the moment that it's not funny. It's the 13th of the month and I am asking Guitar God kaku pretty much everyday if the paycheque has arrived yet or not!

But the funny part is that I was never really a spender till I started to earn. Contrary to popular belief, I was never really the spoilt brat, I mean my folks gave me pretty much everything that I could ask for but as a child, even as a teen, I never really asked them for stuff/money like I see others around me do. My mum tells me that I was a good kid, never asking for new toys. However she does point out that I had a streak of sadism in me as a child, I'd cut off the hair/hands/legs of the Barbie dolls once I got bored of playing with them. Scary. Though I don't really remember why I'd do that.

But that streak of sadism still remains in me. I enjoy watching others in pain. Though I am more of a masochist than anything else, but I have a penchant for pain. Not the insect bite kind, but the agonizing kind. But the problem with pain is that, just like drugs, too much makes you immune and doesn't get you high and so you keep on increasing the dosage. As a child, when the cutting wasn't enough (mind you, I was never a show off-cutter who'd slit her wrist/arms for the world world to see and sympathize with, I cut myself in places which were hidden from the rest of the world), the burning of skin started. But there came a time when even that didn't affect me anymore, so what did I do?

I started aiming for the bigger kind of pain-mental pain and agony.

Its been years since I've stopped subjecting myself (and others, unintentionally) to that form of pain. But as Cobain put if, "I miss the comfort in being sad" cause it keeps my mind off the real worries and the real issues. I have hidden under the blanket of physical pain for too long, but now that I am facing my worries face to face and conquering over some and avoiding others, I feel a lot braver and I've come to realise that no pain is great enough to control the mind, unless I cower and let it!

But sometimes pain can be fun too. Like I said, I am a retard when it comes to striking a balance and I am the queen when it comes to over/under doing stuff. But I can't help, that's just the way that I am. I feel like getting another piercing today, (yeah, i have these sudden urges to get a piercing..infact the last 6 have been totally random) and even though my guy claims to be fond of body art, I know that my bouts of randomness freak him out at times, so I guess I'll have to let it be today! :(

Shelter From The Storm

Running around in circles,

Questioning who I may be,

Flowing like the river,

Unable to find the sea.

Help me,

Help me from myself,

All I need is your love,

And a little bit of help.

Tomorrow, when I'm gone,

Will you cry in pain?

But till that day comes,

Will you be my umbrella in the rain?

I typed this out on my phone last night after a really intense conversation with Black Ninja, he's starting to be a very big support...I wish I could let him know how good a friend he is and what he means to me one day, but the loser does not have access to the internet...:(

Spongebob Squarepants

I am the god that grants you life.

I am your deepest fear.

I am your darkest secret.

I am the one you cannot live with.

I am the one you cannot live without.

I'm Spongebob

I'm gay

changing myself for you

Everyday

I am the bitch you hate.

I am the diva you want to screw

I am your alibi

I am the one you want

I am the one you'd never want

I'm Spongebob

I'm gay

I'm the one

with no say

I'm Spongebob

Patrick's dead

He never really was

It was only in my head.

The Spotlight Is On You Kid!

Our last show was super tight, tightest so far I think. And I think I know why, we played keeping every other thought at bay, we played because we were in love, we played for the love of music and I think that is what makes a band, well, a band.

Somep has become a second home to me now but despite hitting that stage regularly for 4 months now, every show is a learning experience. I learn how to improve myself after a bad show and I learn not get swayed by a good show. The stage is where I learn, I learn what can never be taught in textbooks-I learn how to immerse my mind, body and soul into the music, create something that can make people feel the exact same thing that I feel when I am on stage.

I don't know what'll happen to me once January ends cause even now, I am quite literally battling it out with my folks before very show. I don't know if I want to make a career out of this. Heck, I don't even know if this is my true calling or not. All I know is that I have been given my due after waiting long and hard and so I am not going to be an imbecile and throw it all away. It's not everyday that a regular 18 year old gets labelled as the next big thing now, is it?

When you want something real bad, without any selfish or wrong reasons, you DO land up getting it. No, I am not lucky, I am very ordinary, but what I have and you could call my secret weapon is my confidence. I KNOW that achieving your goals is not am impossible thing if you have your priorities right and if your karma is clean

Yeah, I am old fashioned and I do believe in Karma-what you do, you get back. I try and be a good person as much as I can and though I see the bitches move ahead of me at times, I try not to give up cause I know that it won't be long before they get stuck and that I cross them and reach the finish line. It's a simple ideology, really...all it requires is patience and belief. But trust me, it really does work. Don't think of the consequences-just do the right thing, you'll get it back one day, when you need it the most.

There have been a lot of people who've hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive them. They may call me weak and think that I do not have the ability to fight back, but they are quite mistaken. I do not fight back because forgiveness is the sign of superiority, maturity and inner peace.

:)

Tomorrow'll be one heck of a day. I have to buy a budday gift for a pretty little budday girl and then drop in at her budday party for about 15 mins and then pull a Houdini act on her. It's Guitar God Kaku's happy budday as well and we intend to celebrate it at our practise pad, so I'll have to pick up a cake and a card for him too. Apart from that, I shall have to start and finish my Psychology project which is due on Monday...sheesh, so much work..:(

Dear Crystal Grass, please play during your usual slot at Somep and do not back out tomorrow, or else my folks'll kill me if we have to play again tomorrow night. I am yet to tell them about the gig at Ra(u)nchy. Dear Lord, I'm in for big trouble!!

The Platonic Friend(s)

One boy (man?) makes me cry and another makes me laugh till I have tears in my eyes, all in one day that too. The last couple of days as well as a few episodes from the past bear testimony to this.

Like the time W died and left me alone. I was shaken. It's funny how one person's on the phone with you, making plans for the next weekend when the next day you get a phone call and you're told that he is no more. The funeral, the vacant look in his mother's eyes, his brother's eyes all red, puffy and drained, his room...still smelling of him, in a perfectly messy condition, expecting him to return any time now. Nothing could make me stop crying. But I was wrong, Hachhooo and Sonny Boy did. They brought me back to life and all it took for them were a few macha stunts and coaxing from my mother dearest to go out for lunch with them!

Even today or rather these few days, things haven't quite been alright. I'm like Queen Anti-Midas, everything that I touch/try to do turns to crap. After three (or is it four) nights of being mindfucked and VERY disoriented with so much pressure from everywhere, my tears seemed to have mutinied against me and so as I sat staring at the empty page of my notebook, desperately trying to pen down a few verses of an unfinished song which Guitar Prodigy, Stoner Man, Black Ninja and I are working on, I was almost on the verge of texting guitar prodigy and telling him that I wouldn't be able to deliver on time when I got a text from black ninja- a really sad sms joke. I deleted it. He sent another one. And another one. And another one. Mind you, the quality of these jokes kept getting worse. He bombarded my inbox with REALLY REALLY LAME jokes till I begged him to stop cause I was rolling on the floor. He did. I finished the song!

*sigh* these are the times when you realise that unlike girls, boys actually make better friends. They listen to you. They are protective of you. They don't judge you and most importantly, sex is not always the only thing that they have in mind. Though they may be attracted to you at one point of time, they are willing to let go of those feelings when the friendship is at stake. Boys make super best friends. So without saying, I love you my Hachhoo, Sonny Boy and more recently, Black Ninja....what would I ever do without you guys?!

But on the flip side, when it comes to love, romance and all that jazz , I have been pretty disappointed with boys. My last relationship was just about perfect but the end was such a love song gone sour! I still miss him cause he's helped in shaping me into what I am today. But I don't miss him as a boyfriend all that much, what I miss is how close we were, as friends. Girls however make MUCH better halves. I have (sort of) been in a relationship with the most gorgeous girl on earth (in my opinion, yes) and she really truly did shower me with the affection and care that no man can match up to. Things had to end, but given an option, I'd relive my times with her all over again, they were magical. But like those cheesy sayings on matchboxes that you choose to ignore, love is magic but very sadly, magic is only illusion...

Eros and Thanatos.

It took me almost all of my teenage to slay the demons of my childhood. It took me my sanity and my peace of mind. I wouldn't say that I have come out of it completely, but I have managed to stop blaming myself for what happened to me, it was NOT my fault.

What wasn't? I'll tell you-sexual abuse.

Life has a funny way of making you realize things. I was a cool kid-the girl all the others in her batch envied yet loved. In junior school, I was the house captain, had a bunch of loyal best friends, a dozen followers, my grades were perfect, my talents hardly went unnoticed, my teachers loved me and my parents were proud of me.

But things changed one fine day.

For worse but somehow for the better.

I remember that weekend like it was a nightmare fresh from last night. I was lost, vulnerable and ultimately destroyed by him yet I put up a brave face. I didn't let the tears show. I hid them from him. I hid them from the world. I hid them from myself. I didn't even know the gravity of the situation till realization dawned on me while I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show one day, where this girl who was my age, or probably a little older was subjected to nearly the same thing as me. I was numb. The nightmare was really true, I had been raped. Repeatedly. I had been raped repeatedly by the man I loved.

I had nobody to talk to. I had nobody to share the trauma with. My parents are great, but I didn't have the guts to tell them about it. My friends too were too young to understand.

I was lonely as hell.

I cried myself to bed every night. The shame, the horror and the self-loathing took a toll on me one day and I couldn't even cry anymore for my tears had run dry.

I became a cutter.

I started to punish myself for something that wasn't even my fault.

Then the drugs came in-all kinds, juvenile stuff, herbals, chemicals and even pills-anything to keep the pain away, anything to keep me numb.

I was a junky by the time I was 13. I started to alternate between Dr. Jeckyll and Miss Hyde.

A few years later came the promiscuity. I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me anymore. I had already lost my so called "purity" so how did it even matter?

I dissed the friends who started to figure out that there was something positively wrong with me. I pushed them away and befriended others. Making new friends has never been a problem for me. I started to choose fellow addicts and abusers over seemingly 'normal' kids of my age.

For a whole year or maybe a little more, that was what my routine was like- I'd go to school stoned, stone in school and then come back home and stone some more. My parents had no idea because my grades were still intact. My teachers in senior school were either indifferent towards me or tried to understand why I was so queer and 'different' from the others.

It was during one of those evenings when I had done god knows what with god knows who and then felt the need to get high and subsequently cut myself when my mother decided to come back home early from work. That was the moment when I knew that I had done enough damage to myself and that I needed to rid myself of the facade. I came clean to her. I came clean to the person who had given me life. I thought it was only fair that she knew.

I probably have the most supportive and the most strong willed parents in the world. Though they do not know the exact extent of the trauma, that day they made a decision that has brought me where I am right now. Instead of condemning me, they chose therapy.

But things weren't all joy and sunshine. I didn't hate my therapist that much, but I HATED my shrink. I tried to avoid all the pills that he prescribed to tranquilize me and stop me from using. I even tried to run away from home. My parents were on the verge of checking me into rehab but decided against it, probably because of the social stigma attached.

The initial sessions with my therapist seemed like scenes from a horror movie, but I gradually opened up to her-finally that one person who understood me and wasn't judging me like all others. She helped me. I let her. Things have improved since. I no longer cut myself all the time. I don't blame myself for what happened to me.

But I DON'T regret having done any of the things that I did during those years. They make me who I am today. I am bipolar. I am bisexual. I am the embodiment of all those things that your mother asked you to shut your eyes to. Judge me if you want. It doesn't matter anymore.

So now you're probably wondering why I even wrote this post in the first place, the reason is that juvenile sexual abuse is something that I have had a first hand experience of and I know how badly it can fuck a person up in their later years. If you have been subjected to any form of abuse,then DO NOT BE ASHAMED, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Speak up against it, feel no fear. I used to think that I was the only one but this organization that I occasionally work with, fights for the cause of victims and helps them come out of the trauma and trust me, you're not alone...we are all there with you, like you...

My Girl 2

My girl (though technically she's not mine anymore, but let's just call her that to avoid any controversy) is driving me crazy.

I can't forget those eyes.

I can't forget her smile.

As she held me close.

I shut my eyes and she's all that I see.

I can't forget her smell.

I can't forget those lips.

As she held me close.

I shut my eyes and she's all that I see.

My girl, don't do this to me.

I don't want to fall in love with you again.

I hard a really hard time getting over you.

My girl, I shall forever cherish our memories.

But we have to move on.

It's time for us to part ways.

I know that you'll be reading this, please don't cry....I hate breaking your heart this way and I am not getting back at you for what you once did to me. I am doing this for the both of us. It hurts to let you go, but I will have to...I know that neither of us anticipated how a juvenile fling would turn into something so serious but it's time that this ended. This is wrong, you have to let go off me. I cannot return to you-not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I have moved on and there is no point in regressing.

Let's give that one last kiss goodbye a miss, it'll be too painful for the both of us. You taught me to love. You made me a better person. I may not be with you, but you'll forever be my girl.

Stone Cold.

This year, nature seems to be taking revenge on Calcuttans (I prefer Calcutta over Kolkata) who complained how warm last winter was. So armed with a cardigan, a muffler,my leg warmers and my mp3 player, I went out for a walk the other day.

it was one of those random walks to clear my head-aimless but strangely satisfying.

I observed the world around me as I walked. People walked past me, they left me behind. Some walked with me, they seemed to be at par with me. Some walked behind, I was too fast for them and some just stood there, bringing their own time to a stand still.

The whole point of life is to live it the way you want to. You can wallow in self pity, you can make yourself be heard, you can fool others or even play the fool...that is up to you. You are the centre of your own universe. Is there any such thing as destiny? Don't we have the power to write our own destinies?

But whether we like it or not, we are dependent on one another and try as we may, we can't isolate ourselves from the influence that other people have on us. The trick I think, is to strike a balance and not get swayed completely by someone else and have your feet firmly rooted to the ground of your own beliefs.

I don't know why I am being so goddamn philosophical all of a sudden. I guess it's the mania. But don't you worry, Vana with all her wrath will be back soon! ;)

Macha is the new key to Happiness

Okay, you've probably realised by now, but whatever I do, I do in excess and it's fucking 4:30ish in the morning and I want to blog baby! :P (no emoticons, how sad!)

Since I wrote a Happy New Year dear reader post already, I'm going to add another one to the list for I have so much to say but I am too lazy to organize my thoughts and post them in this space. So here's something fun:

STUFF THAT I DID IN 2009 THAT ARE WORTH MENTIONING HERE:

1. Went and watched a commercial Bengali movie at a movie hall with fellow retarded friends and band mates. (Prem Amar at Poddosree, couldn't sit through thewhole movie though, it was too much torture. But it was quite an experience, planning another such adventure shortly)

2. Got kicked out of Oly. (mind you, you can do ANYTHING at oly and not get kicked out so basically us retards acually achieved something that seemed next to impossible. Antisocial but still)

3. Has a PJ party with boys and girls. ( oh man, what a night it was, we started drinking at round 11 at night and wrapped up at round 7 in the morning. Phew. My house was a mess. We were all VERY hungover the next day, but it was quite a night!)

4. Got inked. (I wanted to get a Cobain piece forever, but before my 18th birthday, I started reading the Gita and I was so blown away by two verses that immediately I knew that i had to get them inked somehow and so I did, before my 18th birthday-kindda like a gift to myself)

5. Asked my folks to stop giving me pocket money. (my mum wasn't very convinced but I figured that the moolah that I earn from the Somep shows may not be enough to make me a millionaire but for an 18 year old, it's quite decent. Being financially independent is such a great feeling, you gotta experience it to know what I am talking about!)

6. I quit smoking since I joined Pseudonym and though I had to struggle quite a bit initially to stop myself for going all loony, I think I managed quite well. I have been nearly smoke free apart from a huff here and a puff there for about 5 months now and I don't even miss it all that much now. Next up on my agenda: to get that chimney of a boyfriend of mine to kick the habit as well.

7. Said a firm NO to people. No, I didn't care about how cute X was or how Y stood right outside my door first thing in the morning to take off from where he had last left it or how Z told me that I was the best thing in her life so far, I was committed and chose to remain that way. Life threw in a few nasty surprises here and there but I chose to do the right thing. *pats self on the back*

(will update once my brain wakes up, it seems to have hit the sack and I should too, I think)

goodnight, more to come....but later, when I'm in the mood to blog again!

A Rather Late "Happy New Year" Type Post!

I'm becoming increasingly inconsistent with this whole blogging business, so shame on me...but i godpromiss, I'll try and be slightly more sincere this year.

:)

Happy new year!!


This post was initially meant for some negative feedback about me and my blog but halfway through the initial post, I changed my mind and hit that backspace button.
I don't need this right now.

Though momentarily, but I AM happy right now. Things are going well on the music front (I try to keep myself rooted to the ground and not get swayed by the nice stuff that people say, but the fact remains that I AM the youngest performer at Somep to hit the stage regularly and I DO see myself going somewhere, so HAH!)

Also things are pretty smooth with my guy, though we have the worst fights that leave me with a wet pillow the morning after from all the tears throughout the night. But at the end of the day, we both know that they only make us stronger as a "team" as he would put it. And so, after all the shit has been sorted out, it's that look in his eyes that tells me that he loves me and that things are going to be just fine as long as we believe in each other. Sometimes, when you lie next to a person, holding each other tight, time stands still for you and memories are created-memories that'll last you a lifetime, memories of love, memories that'll remind you that there are moments which can be perfect, simple moments, nothing fancy...but perfect. It's during such moments that you realise how beautiful love really is and why it has driven humans crazy year after year. Love is like the elixir of life...Life is love. Love is life and that's probably the beauty of it!

Last year and the starting of this one has made me realize how incredibly emotional i can be though I may not express it and also how I make an impact of people without even realising it. Halfway into '09 i felt like my life support had been taken away when i had to part ways with a few of my best friends and my loved ones. I thought that I'd be shattered, my life is a strange experience. An experience full of strange surprises. Instead of wasting away, I managed to muster the courage to rise like the phoenix. I don't know what the inspiration behind it was, probably the fact that i HAVE dealt with so much shit already that all this seems pretty trivial now.

School's over, though unofficially....I don't think I'll miss it much. I loved the whole concept of school life and all the camaraderie with my friends and seniors but looking back, school's probably been one big reason why i suffer from these random frequent bouts of depression. (i AM a certified bipolar smartass but as my shrink would put it, school played a huge role in aggravating all those pendulum like mood swings from extreme euphoria to depression.) So if I had to sum up my 14 years in Ashok (read Osoka)Hall, I'd put it this way-it was quite an experience alright, but given an option, I'd never want to go back again. Mind you, I am not being ungrateful or a hypocrite, all I'd like to say is that if I am a successful person tomorrow, I'd give a few of my teachers the credit, but not to the school. School is essentially where my potential got murdered every single day.

So right now I'm at a strangely fascinating juncture, the newness draws me closer to the forbidden apple, but I guess I'll never know what it tastes like because I'm too sane to throw all of this away.

Happy new year readers, oh wait, I said that already, didn't I?!

She's so fucking PerFect.
She's so very fine.
She's the one for you.
She's always on your mind.


If you love her so,
why don't you let me go?