But the funny part is that I was never really a spender till I started to earn. Contrary to popular belief, I was never really the spoilt brat, I mean my folks gave me pretty much everything that I could ask for but as a child, even as a teen, I never really asked them for stuff/money like I see others around me do. My mum tells me that I was a good kid, never asking for new toys. However she does point out that I had a streak of sadism in me as a child, I'd cut off the hair/hands/legs of the Barbie dolls once I got bored of playing with them. Scary. Though I don't really remember why I'd do that.
But that streak of sadism still remains in me. I enjoy watching others in pain. Though I am more of a masochist than anything else, but I have a penchant for pain. Not the insect bite kind, but the agonizing kind. But the problem with pain is that, just like drugs, too much makes you immune and doesn't get you high and so you keep on increasing the dosage. As a child, when the cutting wasn't enough (mind you, I was never a show off-cutter who'd slit her wrist/arms for the world world to see and sympathize with, I cut myself in places which were hidden from the rest of the world), the burning of skin started. But there came a time when even that didn't affect me anymore, so what did I do?
I started aiming for the bigger kind of pain-mental pain and agony.
Its been years since I've stopped subjecting myself (and others, unintentionally) to that form of pain. But as Cobain put if, "I miss the comfort in being sad" cause it keeps my mind off the real worries and the real issues. I have hidden under the blanket of physical pain for too long, but now that I am facing my worries face to face and conquering over some and avoiding others, I feel a lot braver and I've come to realise that no pain is great enough to control the mind, unless I cower and let it!
But sometimes pain can be fun too. Like I said, I am a retard when it comes to striking a balance and I am the queen when it comes to over/under doing stuff. But I can't help, that's just the way that I am. I feel like getting another piercing today, (yeah, i have these sudden urges to get a piercing..infact the last 6 have been totally random) and even though my guy claims to be fond of body art, I know that my bouts of randomness freak him out at times, so I guess I'll have to let it be today! :(
