My Girl 2

My girl (though technically she's not mine anymore, but let's just call her that to avoid any controversy) is driving me crazy.

I can't forget those eyes.

I can't forget her smile.

As she held me close.

I shut my eyes and she's all that I see.

I can't forget her smell.

I can't forget those lips.

As she held me close.

I shut my eyes and she's all that I see.

My girl, don't do this to me.

I don't want to fall in love with you again.

I hard a really hard time getting over you.

My girl, I shall forever cherish our memories.

But we have to move on.

It's time for us to part ways.

I know that you'll be reading this, please don't cry....I hate breaking your heart this way and I am not getting back at you for what you once did to me. I am doing this for the both of us. It hurts to let you go, but I will have to...I know that neither of us anticipated how a juvenile fling would turn into something so serious but it's time that this ended. This is wrong, you have to let go off me. I cannot return to you-not because I don't want to, but because I can't. I have moved on and there is no point in regressing.

Let's give that one last kiss goodbye a miss, it'll be too painful for the both of us. You taught me to love. You made me a better person. I may not be with you, but you'll forever be my girl.

Stone Cold.

This year, nature seems to be taking revenge on Calcuttans (I prefer Calcutta over Kolkata) who complained how warm last winter was. So armed with a cardigan, a muffler,my leg warmers and my mp3 player, I went out for a walk the other day.

it was one of those random walks to clear my head-aimless but strangely satisfying.

I observed the world around me as I walked. People walked past me, they left me behind. Some walked with me, they seemed to be at par with me. Some walked behind, I was too fast for them and some just stood there, bringing their own time to a stand still.

The whole point of life is to live it the way you want to. You can wallow in self pity, you can make yourself be heard, you can fool others or even play the fool...that is up to you. You are the centre of your own universe. Is there any such thing as destiny? Don't we have the power to write our own destinies?

But whether we like it or not, we are dependent on one another and try as we may, we can't isolate ourselves from the influence that other people have on us. The trick I think, is to strike a balance and not get swayed completely by someone else and have your feet firmly rooted to the ground of your own beliefs.

I don't know why I am being so goddamn philosophical all of a sudden. I guess it's the mania. But don't you worry, Vana with all her wrath will be back soon! ;)

Macha is the new key to Happiness

Okay, you've probably realised by now, but whatever I do, I do in excess and it's fucking 4:30ish in the morning and I want to blog baby! :P (no emoticons, how sad!)

Since I wrote a Happy New Year dear reader post already, I'm going to add another one to the list for I have so much to say but I am too lazy to organize my thoughts and post them in this space. So here's something fun:

STUFF THAT I DID IN 2009 THAT ARE WORTH MENTIONING HERE:

1. Went and watched a commercial Bengali movie at a movie hall with fellow retarded friends and band mates. (Prem Amar at Poddosree, couldn't sit through thewhole movie though, it was too much torture. But it was quite an experience, planning another such adventure shortly)

2. Got kicked out of Oly. (mind you, you can do ANYTHING at oly and not get kicked out so basically us retards acually achieved something that seemed next to impossible. Antisocial but still)

3. Has a PJ party with boys and girls. ( oh man, what a night it was, we started drinking at round 11 at night and wrapped up at round 7 in the morning. Phew. My house was a mess. We were all VERY hungover the next day, but it was quite a night!)

4. Got inked. (I wanted to get a Cobain piece forever, but before my 18th birthday, I started reading the Gita and I was so blown away by two verses that immediately I knew that i had to get them inked somehow and so I did, before my 18th birthday-kindda like a gift to myself)

5. Asked my folks to stop giving me pocket money. (my mum wasn't very convinced but I figured that the moolah that I earn from the Somep shows may not be enough to make me a millionaire but for an 18 year old, it's quite decent. Being financially independent is such a great feeling, you gotta experience it to know what I am talking about!)

6. I quit smoking since I joined Pseudonym and though I had to struggle quite a bit initially to stop myself for going all loony, I think I managed quite well. I have been nearly smoke free apart from a huff here and a puff there for about 5 months now and I don't even miss it all that much now. Next up on my agenda: to get that chimney of a boyfriend of mine to kick the habit as well.

7. Said a firm NO to people. No, I didn't care about how cute X was or how Y stood right outside my door first thing in the morning to take off from where he had last left it or how Z told me that I was the best thing in her life so far, I was committed and chose to remain that way. Life threw in a few nasty surprises here and there but I chose to do the right thing. *pats self on the back*

(will update once my brain wakes up, it seems to have hit the sack and I should too, I think)

goodnight, more to come....but later, when I'm in the mood to blog again!

A Rather Late "Happy New Year" Type Post!

I'm becoming increasingly inconsistent with this whole blogging business, so shame on me...but i godpromiss, I'll try and be slightly more sincere this year.

:)

Happy new year!!


This post was initially meant for some negative feedback about me and my blog but halfway through the initial post, I changed my mind and hit that backspace button.
I don't need this right now.

Though momentarily, but I AM happy right now. Things are going well on the music front (I try to keep myself rooted to the ground and not get swayed by the nice stuff that people say, but the fact remains that I AM the youngest performer at Somep to hit the stage regularly and I DO see myself going somewhere, so HAH!)

Also things are pretty smooth with my guy, though we have the worst fights that leave me with a wet pillow the morning after from all the tears throughout the night. But at the end of the day, we both know that they only make us stronger as a "team" as he would put it. And so, after all the shit has been sorted out, it's that look in his eyes that tells me that he loves me and that things are going to be just fine as long as we believe in each other. Sometimes, when you lie next to a person, holding each other tight, time stands still for you and memories are created-memories that'll last you a lifetime, memories of love, memories that'll remind you that there are moments which can be perfect, simple moments, nothing fancy...but perfect. It's during such moments that you realise how beautiful love really is and why it has driven humans crazy year after year. Love is like the elixir of life...Life is love. Love is life and that's probably the beauty of it!

Last year and the starting of this one has made me realize how incredibly emotional i can be though I may not express it and also how I make an impact of people without even realising it. Halfway into '09 i felt like my life support had been taken away when i had to part ways with a few of my best friends and my loved ones. I thought that I'd be shattered, my life is a strange experience. An experience full of strange surprises. Instead of wasting away, I managed to muster the courage to rise like the phoenix. I don't know what the inspiration behind it was, probably the fact that i HAVE dealt with so much shit already that all this seems pretty trivial now.

School's over, though unofficially....I don't think I'll miss it much. I loved the whole concept of school life and all the camaraderie with my friends and seniors but looking back, school's probably been one big reason why i suffer from these random frequent bouts of depression. (i AM a certified bipolar smartass but as my shrink would put it, school played a huge role in aggravating all those pendulum like mood swings from extreme euphoria to depression.) So if I had to sum up my 14 years in Ashok (read Osoka)Hall, I'd put it this way-it was quite an experience alright, but given an option, I'd never want to go back again. Mind you, I am not being ungrateful or a hypocrite, all I'd like to say is that if I am a successful person tomorrow, I'd give a few of my teachers the credit, but not to the school. School is essentially where my potential got murdered every single day.

So right now I'm at a strangely fascinating juncture, the newness draws me closer to the forbidden apple, but I guess I'll never know what it tastes like because I'm too sane to throw all of this away.

Happy new year readers, oh wait, I said that already, didn't I?!

She's so fucking PerFect.
She's so very fine.
She's the one for you.
She's always on your mind.


If you love her so,
why don't you let me go?

My New Boyfriend.

I'm walking down this street
Alone in the cold
My head hangs in shame
But do you really care?
Do you even know my name?

I stand exposed
To the world, to myself
My head hung low in shame
But do you even care?
Do you even know my name?

My life is pretty much down in the dumps right now. I am NOT studying. I have NO idea where my band will be in another 12 months. I am spending most of my time hanging out with people who are all wrong for me. I am doing too much D. I am drinking too much. I am having unnecessary unprotected sex. But the scariest bit is that I am contemplating suicide once again and we all know what happened the last time I went through such a phase...

All I need is somebody to tell me that everything will be alright.Somebody genuine. if you don't mean it, then don't say it. If you don't love me, then don't say it. I wont mind. But just don't pretend.

But I guess that's too much to ask for...

I am starting to get tired of this heartbreak day after day. All girls are not magees, okay?


You don't respect me at all, do you? You don't respect anybody but yourself. But remember, 'what goes around, comes back around'...

I looked at you with me eyes rimmed with tears. I looked into you. I tried to search for a sign, any sign that would reassure me. But you stared right back. I lay naked, exposed on top of you. Could you not feel my vulnerability? Could you not feel my love? Are you blind or just not bothered?

Hitting A Dead End

Remember the days, when we couldn't stay one minute without each other? All those hours spent on the phone, all those afternoons lying in each others' arms... All those memories that no matter how hard we try, we can never erase...


We were happy. We were together and that was the only thing that mattered. Together we laughed at the cynics who told us that we wouldn't make it...but they turned out to be right afterall...


We've lost each other and it's too late to find our ways back into each other's heart...isn't it?

The pain that I feel in my heart right now is killing me. I can almost see myself heading down the big bad road to narcotization and numbness yet again to make the pain go away.

But will it?

It's a void that you can never fill.

Never.

Ever.

Things can never be the same again.

I'm too fuckin hurt.

Stand By Me, My Purple Prince

As I start to write this post, I have no idea where this is going to head to ultimately. But however, I do know that despite certain subtleties being missing from me, despite having a past that will come back and haunt me forever, despite my random acts of mindlessness and bouts of insecurity, you have loved me through the tough times regardless of everything and for that I am extremely thankful.

I know that you love me, you've said it to me time and again. But I don't love you back. I love you. I don't love you even remotely close to the way that you love me. I love you in my own way and thank you for understanding that..

I won't let this post get all sloppy and mushy, that's not really my thing. I'm not going to pretend to not care either. Yes, I lack the sensitivity to strike a balance. But trust me, I'm working on it. Not because it'd make you happy, but because I want to.

I hope you're not going to read this, it'll embarrass me. But I can't really help not blurting it all out-be it in cyberspace!

Hey you, you've made me fall in love!

Look at how pathetic I have become-writing childish love poems, dreaming with my eyes wide open-about how you hold my hand, how you kiss all my worries away gently, how you hold me close to you when I'm cold, how you wipe my tears away, how you look at me with those eyes which tell no lies...but most importantly, how you love me despite all my flaws...

It'll be quite foolish to say that it'll last forever and we'll be together till the end of time and get married and have babies and live happily ever after and all that crap. But then again, I don't mind taking that risk-let the feelings flow freely. Let me love you today, who cares about tomorrow?

Apologies

Yes, my sincere apologies for being so insincere and not posting my random rubbish for so long, it's just that my time management skills suck and I have now become a full time procrastinator! The Pujas came and went, like always. But this year was slightly different, I'd love to discuss it in explicit details, too bad I hardly remember anything because I was too darn sloshed all the time...yes, I ODd on alcohol this Pujo.

However, don't get me wrong. I am not one of those 'Devdas' kinds, who waste away alone...The start to my Pujo was kickass-my debut gig as the new vocalist of Pseudonym, at Someplace Else on Panchami!

:)

A part of my dream has come true, I've wanted this for so damn long and now that it's here, I'm trying to keep my feet firmly stuck to the ground as I await the next step....

I AM a drama queen...so?!

*

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

Just love me then you leave.

While I sit and wipe the tears of my sleeve.

Go on and tell your brothers.

That I can blow like no other.

So let them come and poke me as well.

And if I turn them down, let them make my life hell.

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

And burn my soul from the core.

Look what you've done, you've turned me into a whore.

Some people are born to hurt others, humiliate them and cause them pain. But the bad part is the fact that some people are born to bear all this. The worst part is, however, that I belong to the latter category.

Single and NOT Ready To Mingle

Well yes, it's true..i broke up with my boyfriend sometime back and being single after nearly two and a half feels so weird..I now have the right to whatever I want to, whenever I want to, but the problem is that now that I have all the freedom in the world, I don't really know what I want.

Which brings me to my next point, men in Kolkata however know very well what they want-sex. Men here really ARE very sex-starved.

I decided to take a long walk today and thank god I carried my mp3 player with me. As I walked down the road all alone, I felt so vulnerable, a group of three men (or rather boys) literally molested me with their eyes and that too I wasn't even wearing anything provocative and neither was I looking gorgeous-just a reed thin girl in denims and a tee...why is it so bad here? Can't women take a walk down the road holding their heads up high? Thank god I had my music player on at full swing, I was unable to hear what they were saying to or rather about me, I don't think it would affect my already low self-confidence positively...

The more I interact, the more I seem to lose faith in boys, I don't really know if I can be with anyone for too long. Don't get me wrong, most of my best friends are male and I have had some really special moments with a few boys, but I don't think they can give me any more than that...And more importantly, I don't think I can give them anymore than that..

Let's face it, I am incapable of love- of the deep and unconditional type. What I have been experiencing all these years, off and on has been infatuation and not love and now, I don't even know if love is real and I don't even know if I have faith in it anymore...is finding love worth all the trouble and all the tears? I don't know and I think I'll stop looking for it...from this moment onwards...I'm better off without love....I'm a strong girl. I don't need it.

A Piece That I Wrote In My head

Like savage birds mating in the wild,

Up in the deep blue sky,

floating around with the wind,

they dance, they fight, they fly.

A palette of colours,

in a variety of themes,

little boys and grown men,

lost in their dreams.

Some lose,

some claim their prize,

some just laze around,

while some truly mesmerize.

I have been there before,

but now I have grown,

and that part of me still cries out,

-it is something I can't live without.

And so I walked back home,

My feet hurt, and my heart is sore,

I have come back home, only to find,

that nobody flies kites anymore...