Stand By Me, My Purple Prince

As I start to write this post, I have no idea where this is going to head to ultimately. But however, I do know that despite certain subtleties being missing from me, despite having a past that will come back and haunt me forever, despite my random acts of mindlessness and bouts of insecurity, you have loved me through the tough times regardless of everything and for that I am extremely thankful.

I know that you love me, you've said it to me time and again. But I don't love you back. I love you. I don't love you even remotely close to the way that you love me. I love you in my own way and thank you for understanding that..

I won't let this post get all sloppy and mushy, that's not really my thing. I'm not going to pretend to not care either. Yes, I lack the sensitivity to strike a balance. But trust me, I'm working on it. Not because it'd make you happy, but because I want to.

I hope you're not going to read this, it'll embarrass me. But I can't really help not blurting it all out-be it in cyberspace!

Hey you, you've made me fall in love!

Look at how pathetic I have become-writing childish love poems, dreaming with my eyes wide open-about how you hold my hand, how you kiss all my worries away gently, how you hold me close to you when I'm cold, how you wipe my tears away, how you look at me with those eyes which tell no lies...but most importantly, how you love me despite all my flaws...

It'll be quite foolish to say that it'll last forever and we'll be together till the end of time and get married and have babies and live happily ever after and all that crap. But then again, I don't mind taking that risk-let the feelings flow freely. Let me love you today, who cares about tomorrow?

Apologies

Yes, my sincere apologies for being so insincere and not posting my random rubbish for so long, it's just that my time management skills suck and I have now become a full time procrastinator! The Pujas came and went, like always. But this year was slightly different, I'd love to discuss it in explicit details, too bad I hardly remember anything because I was too darn sloshed all the time...yes, I ODd on alcohol this Pujo.

However, don't get me wrong. I am not one of those 'Devdas' kinds, who waste away alone...The start to my Pujo was kickass-my debut gig as the new vocalist of Pseudonym, at Someplace Else on Panchami!

:)

A part of my dream has come true, I've wanted this for so damn long and now that it's here, I'm trying to keep my feet firmly stuck to the ground as I await the next step....

I AM a drama queen...so?!

*

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

Just love me then you leave.

While I sit and wipe the tears of my sleeve.

Go on and tell your brothers.

That I can blow like no other.

So let them come and poke me as well.

And if I turn them down, let them make my life hell.

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

And burn my soul from the core.

Look what you've done, you've turned me into a whore.

Some people are born to hurt others, humiliate them and cause them pain. But the bad part is the fact that some people are born to bear all this. The worst part is, however, that I belong to the latter category.

Single and NOT Ready To Mingle

Well yes, it's true..i broke up with my boyfriend sometime back and being single after nearly two and a half feels so weird..I now have the right to whatever I want to, whenever I want to, but the problem is that now that I have all the freedom in the world, I don't really know what I want.

Which brings me to my next point, men in Kolkata however know very well what they want-sex. Men here really ARE very sex-starved.

I decided to take a long walk today and thank god I carried my mp3 player with me. As I walked down the road all alone, I felt so vulnerable, a group of three men (or rather boys) literally molested me with their eyes and that too I wasn't even wearing anything provocative and neither was I looking gorgeous-just a reed thin girl in denims and a tee...why is it so bad here? Can't women take a walk down the road holding their heads up high? Thank god I had my music player on at full swing, I was unable to hear what they were saying to or rather about me, I don't think it would affect my already low self-confidence positively...

The more I interact, the more I seem to lose faith in boys, I don't really know if I can be with anyone for too long. Don't get me wrong, most of my best friends are male and I have had some really special moments with a few boys, but I don't think they can give me any more than that...And more importantly, I don't think I can give them anymore than that..

Let's face it, I am incapable of love- of the deep and unconditional type. What I have been experiencing all these years, off and on has been infatuation and not love and now, I don't even know if love is real and I don't even know if I have faith in it anymore...is finding love worth all the trouble and all the tears? I don't know and I think I'll stop looking for it...from this moment onwards...I'm better off without love....I'm a strong girl. I don't need it.

A Piece That I Wrote In My head

Like savage birds mating in the wild,

Up in the deep blue sky,

floating around with the wind,

they dance, they fight, they fly.

A palette of colours,

in a variety of themes,

little boys and grown men,

lost in their dreams.

Some lose,

some claim their prize,

some just laze around,

while some truly mesmerize.

I have been there before,

but now I have grown,

and that part of me still cries out,

-it is something I can't live without.

And so I walked back home,

My feet hurt, and my heart is sore,

I have come back home, only to find,

that nobody flies kites anymore...

Loneliness. Just a little bit.

When I look into the mirror, I see only the void. The void in my eyes. The void takes over me. The void. A void. Avoid, the void.

I wish I was you. But I am not. I can never be.

I wish I was a bird-I'd fly away.

I wish I was a raindrop-I'd fall on you and make you happy.
I wish I was a flower-I'd blossom, even if it were for a day.

When I look into the mirror, I only see a shadow. I see not who I am, but who I want to be. Am I really who I think I am? Who am I, am I me or am I only pretending to be?

I wish I was a river-I'd go on forever.

I wish I was a rainbow, lighting up the sky.

I wish I was the smile on your face.

As you wave goodbye.

And now I'm all alone again, trying to hide the pain with ritalin and glue...love is a sad, sad song...really...

I Can't Get This Friggin Song Outta My Head

"This is the end

Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...strangers hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Theres danger on the edge of town
Ride the kings highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...hes old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and well do the rest

The blue bus is callin us
The blue bus is callin us
Driver, where you taken us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...i want to...fuck you

Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin a blue rock
Cmon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But youll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end"

-James Douglas Morrison

Supermassive Black Hole

My procrastination is taking it's toll on me. Like for example, I named this post 'Supermassive Black Hole' after the song by Muse which was playing on my mp3 player (which is always on shuffle mode) , but by the time that i started, three songs had finished playing already. heh. And i have no idea where this post is going to go. A bigger heh.

Today is the merry occasion of "Happy Friendship Day", a day which gives losers and loners the license to use the line "will you make/do frandsheep with me?" without getting hit in the face. My "frandsheep" day has been a disaster so far, I fucking hate such occasions- frandsheep days, merry Christmases, happy new years, happy holis and even happy buddays, they remind me what a loser I actually am as I see people flock together and make merry in the streets-enjoying and laughing their worries away. These people annoy me, what fucking right do they have to be so happy when I waste away, wallowing in self-pity?

Well, I hate to admit this but maybe I can't stand these people because secretly, I am nothing but jealous of them..Will I ever see the light? Wont I be happy for a change?!

Though I don't want to, the countdown has begun in my pretty little head already-I shall turn 18 in another 5 days. My list of things-to-do-before-I-am-18 has still not been completed and it's getting a little pissing off now...Dhyat!!

I am yet to moon somebody and try to drive a car. Apart from this, I still need to make out with three people to get the desired number (which I shall obviously not reveal here!) The sad part is that I don't have anyone to make out with..I mean I do, but they don't count because I have already made out with them. A bigger dhyat!

It's not fair to love you anymore.

You're my perfect girl.

But even if you're mine,

I will have to shield you from the world.

ugghh!

There was a boy who broke my heart into a million little pieces

and put every single piece back together,

the one who made me laugh and cry,

alternating like the weather...

There was a boy who clipped my wings and locked me up,

in his little heart-shaped cage,

letting me sink in my sea of tears

of love, misery and rage...

you're a free bird,

flying high in the sky,

there was never a start,

so can there ever be a goodbye?

Pari Hoon Main

(yes, this post is a direct influence of Suneeta Rao's song, titled the same...The song has been haunting me for a long time now, so here it goes...)

Feel my pulse,

can you hear how viciously my heart beats from within?

Look at me,

can you see the goosebumps on my skin?

I am a gift from God.

I am the angel of life.

From me you are born.

For me you survive.

Look into your heart,

does it cry out my name?

Look into my eyes,

can you see the camoflauged pain?

I am the illusion in your mind.

I am the reaper of death in this land.

Awaiting my fate,

that lies in your hand..

Na na mujhe chhoona na,

dur hi rehna

Pari hoon main.

Pari hoon main

Mujhe na chhoona,

Pari hoon main.

Early Birthday Present part II

(refer to the older post for the first 7...)

8. I don't just do things to be "cool"..but in reality, very honestly, I AM like that. Take the piercings for example, I got them because I am a sick twisted individual who enjoys gratification through pain. It makes me a masochist, but I don't really think that I give a fuck!

9. I don't have a fetish for porn. Contrary to what a lot of you may think, I am quite disgusted by it actually. However, I do have a crush on Jesse Santana, hence the overdose of gay porn clips in my hard disk!

10. I am a sucker for good lyrics. No I DON'T care how brilliant the solo is...give me good lyrics and I'll be addicted to the damn song forever.

11. I kiss and tell and I do it quite unabashedly.

12. I think I'm really in love with Edward Cullen. Damn you Stephenie Meyer!!!

13. Sometimes I really feel like running away and starting life afresh in some new place where people wouldn't judge me just because I am an open-minded person and do things my way.

14. I cried the day MJ died. I don't know why, but I did..

15. I am a procrastinator. The mere fact that this follow-up post took me so long to post speaks volumes of my procrastination, doesn't it?!

16. I started to appreciate Anthony Kiedis and RHCP AFTER I read his book. The funny thing is that I didn't even take any interest in it before I forced myself to start reading it. Whereas, I bought Clapton's autobiography on the same day, came back home and started to read it...but I haven't finished it till date!

17. The number of times that I have watched Fight Club, Requiem for A Dream and Cruel Intentions is scarily unhealthy, but I will continue to do so till some other better movies come my way!

18. Thank god this is over!!

Avoid. The Void.

I am convinced that I am going crazy, i.e, losing whatever little is left of mind with each passing day.

I look outside the window-it's raining. The monsoons would always make me happy earlier, but now they just remind me of how big a failure I really am.

Love.

It's always about the love.

The love that my parents never really gave me when I was a child.

The love that I could feel for them.

They love me and I love them now, but it's not the same. The damage has been done.

It's always about the love.

The love that my friends exchanged for jealousy and selfishness as we grew out of playing with dolls.

I can't love them or forgive them anymore. I'm not that big a saint.

It's always about the love.

The love that he promised to shower me with while he raped me. Repeatedly.

The unfulfilled love and the appreciation and the approval that haunts me till date.

The more I run away, the more they catch up with me...it's not about the sex and the drugs and the i-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude...there's more to me than that.

I am not all that strong, I just pretend to be.

Shielding my true-self from others makes me happy and at the same time, it also makes me feel secure. I'm safe from this cruel cruel cruel world when I am in my shell. No one can come close to me-I won't let them.

I hide in my shell so that nobody can neglect me..nobody can betray me...nobody can abuse me. Is that a very wrong thing to do?

My Girl...

I was hooked to her the minute she set her doe shaped eyes on me. If only I could tell her what was on my mind-I'd tel her that I'd forever treat her like a princess. All she had to do was to trust me..

I looked at her longer than than I should have that day, it landed me in trouble. But it also landed me in paradise.

We moved closer. The spot on her chin, rubbed my finger against it. I held her by the chin. I looked at her lips, which were drawing me closer to her.

I touched my lips with hers at first. She reciprocated. I felt her hair. I felt the excitement rise in her. She held me by my waist. We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

I nibbled her ear. I felt her caressing me. I kissed her neck. I felt goosebumps on my skin, she felt them too. She rubbed her hand over them. She felt the tension in my body rise.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

Gentle as a doe...that's how I will always remember her...My girl..

*sigh*

The finish. The start.

The broken heart.

The broken home. The wasted youth.

The lie and the truth.

The pain and the bliss.

The first kiss.

The first. The last.

The present and the past.

Now. Here.

The lost, lonely tear.

That I fight alone.

With nobody to call my own.

I waste away in solitude...

the man who became the love of my life!

(my first merge...yes,all comments have been disabled in this blog, now you see why? :D)

(From The Journal)

Little Miss Bipolar, walking down the road.

You're the one I need,

Not because I love you, but because I'm bored.

I'm a beast.

I'm the queen.

On me you think you feast.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, sitting on the grass.

Tearing you with her eyes,

Till all that remains is your carcass.

I'm the lioness.

I'm the lamb.

I'm a mess.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, naked to the bone.

Fuck me all you want

Cause after that you're on your own, alone.

I'm the dream.

I'm the nightmare.

-dark as a sunbeam

But you should know better!