Un Garçon Et Une Fille

Cynicism is temporary. 

Everything works out in the end, if you believe.

It feels nice to wake up to messages from someone who's occupying a lot of space in your head lately.

I see him after weeks, he looks as gorgeous as ever. I'm into him. He gives me them butterflies in my stomach. I'd like to think that if we ever made babies, they'd be beautiful. They'd inherit both our genes, a mixed race. But let's not get too carried away. Real life is not a daily soap. 

"You're so big"

No flattery, I'm genuinely surprised. 

"What"

"Never mind" 

I blush. 

French men make the best lovers. 

Well, the stereotype might just be quite true.

All Too Unreal

After the festival ended, everybody headed towards the backstage area. There was a staircase leading up to the exit. I took a few steps up and watched in wonder; the French guys had taken their instruments out and it was going to be a massive jam. The Maloya percussionists joined in. 

I stood and watched the strange culmination in wonder, I was blessed to be possibly the youngest soul there. I wanted to take it all in.

The lady at the catering made me a special concoction of local rhum with honey before that. She explained to me that it would be good for my throat as it was starting to get chilly. I downed it, she gave me another. I settled for the beers after that, figured I wouldn't be drinking any of those back home so I wanted to hold on to those peculiar tastes for as long as I could.

I wandered through the crowd. People kissed my cheeks and told me things I didn't understand, mostly good, judging by their expressions.

"Merci, meri beaucoup"

"Merci"

I wanted to stay there forever. 

People back home are strange, there is a sort of heirarchy that exists. The snobs have their own cliques, as do the wannabes. There is no mingling without ulterior motives. Everybody wants to be at the afterparty because it's cool. But no one's really having fun.

My band was lost in the crowd. No point looking for them, I'd find them eventually at the hotel in any case.

I mingled with the folks, sometimes having trouble following conversations and getting lost in translation. But it was a warm fuzzy feeling, to be there amongst them. They were celebrating music, celebrating life and not strategising monetary profits.

We played three very different venues this time around, each of them unique and quite surreal. If I had the choice to go back and live there, I probably would. 

I'd give up being a part of the rat race here and go live there in perfect mediocrity, normalcy.

Maybe I'd shack up with Papuche and A.

My french is still absolutely terrible. But He teaches me a new word or phrase every day. 

I'm off to Delhi for the weekend and honestly I'm not looking forward to it. There is no joy, no love there.

I find the city impersonal and the people pretentious, soulless. Definitely not all, but too many. I want to fast forward to Saturday when I go spend some time with my best friend. I need to update her about almost too many things this time around.

But my heart is stuck at A and my memories of him. I want to take off and set out on adventures, go completely off the grid when he gets here. 

I'm scared it might not work out though. I'm scared I may never see him again.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's quite depressing when I think about how things have gone wrong every time I have fallen in love. I'm almost too scared to fall in love anymore. But how can I not, this time around.

I thought he'd let go. I thought it would be over, but he hangs on, gives me hope.  Almost too much.

I get asked out on a date, I politely refuse. 

I no longer have the energy to have sex. I want to make love, sweet love, powerful love.

Crossing my heart, counting the days till he gets here. Like I said before, he makes me want to stay, this time around. I don't want to roll over to the other side of the bed and go to sleep, I want to be held like a partner, an equal.

Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for, maybe I won't.

It doesn't really matter though.

I feel like a woman, no longer the little girl that I used to be.. 

Magic and Sobriety

When the coke hits your system, you feel invincible.
The music's too loud but you don't care.
You feel like a gym rat. You don't have to use your head sometimes. It's okay to let go because you trust yourself not to do anything too stupid.

Sobriety is a strange feeling.

I want to walk barefoot on the grass, lie down under a tree perhaps. Read a book. Pet a dog. I
want to play with your hair and complain about how much I hate insects in general.
I want to sleep on your bed, with your arms around me.
I want to feel protected and vulnerable at the same time.
I want to sleep peacefully, like a child.
Hold me.
But don't hold me if you don't want to hold on to me.

My perspectives have changed a little too much, to the point where it feels disorienting almost.
My cravings are drastically different.
At times I have trouble accepting who I've become.
One act of grace, kindness and I'm so incredibly infatuated with the idea of you.

Are you real? Or are you someone I made up in my head?

Strong hands, holding me as I come down from my orgasm.
I've never been treated like this before.
I've had better. I've had many. But somehow everything feels different this time around.
It all makes sense now.
There is always a balance.
Like the way the universe functions.
Like my life, if you put in on a timeline.

Destiny.
You reap what you sow.
I've harvested seeds of love, implanted them time and again.
People have pieces of my heart as I have theirs.
I hope they'll keep it forever, I will.

Show me your ugly.
Show me your love.
Your soul reaches out to me.
I can feel you in my heart, my head.

Maybe I'll leave everything behind and take off with you.
Just like that.
Gone with the wind,
Like magic.

Muses and Musings

Thousands of miles away,
yet I feel so strangely drawn to you.

There's nothing left to do but sink deep.

into this vast ocean of self-loathing.

Why are you reaching out to me?

What do you want from me?

Are you starting to fall in love with me?

I'm scared.

My hardships have made me cruel.

I've promised to build a wall around my heart.

And you want to break them down with your compassion, your grace.

Why are you reaching out for me when I need someone the most? 

What could I possibly have to give to you but company?

Are you starting to fall in love with me?

I'm scared. I am too. 

Lead Me On

I hope you will read this one day,
someday,
one day.
Or maybe you never will.
But it is not in my hands to make you.

Maybe you'll never know how terrible, how terrible you once made me feel.
Because I'll give it some time and the pain will eventually go away.
But that is not the point.
You'll never know how terrible you made me feel.
And that saddens me, shakes all my beliefs from the core.

You're happy, you're content.
It isn't fair that you are.
I'm a child, I seek misery and endless melancholy for you.
Like you made me feel.
I am vengeful.
I am stubborn.
Make it go away!

And I pray, I pray so sincerely,
I pray he isn't like you.
So cold, so distant, so cruel.
He isn't, there is no comparison.
And yet I'm so scared, so terribly scared.
"what if I put myself out there and get hurt again?"

Look what you've done
You've made me so unsure of the world,
of myself!

It's so incredibly humiliating
and this world is so small.
I'm so ashamed of my desperation
and your indifference.
Never again.
Never again, I promise myself.

I think about you when I have nothing else to think about.
Feel bad about myself,
flawed,
ugly.
I feel like a freak,
deserving no warmth, no compassion.

Unprotected sex, a pregnancy scare.
You were gone, nowhere to be found.
Romancing your new girl.
And I had to deal with it all alone.
You made a whore of me.

Dirty whore.
Dirty fucking whore.
Dirty whore on smack.
You didn't care.
Not one bit.

I see you soar high.
It makes me angry.
I want to clip your wings.
Tell the whole world about your cruelty.

Maybe I will, I'm no Mother Teresa...

Conditioned To Hell

After the storm has passed, I want to come back home and talk to you.

Tell you about my day.

And you tell me yours.

I want to reminisce the time we spent together.

Plan new adventures.

I want to sleep at night with you beside me, in your arms.

I want to kiss.

I want to cuddle.

I don't want to disconnect post-coitus.

I want to stay.

Let our fingers magically entwine.

Tell me your dreams.

And I'll tell you some of mine.

Let me in.

Tell me everything.

Play me your favourite music.

Teach me your way of life.

Let's adapt to each other.

Everything, I want everything.

Like you are mine.

I want to trace the contours of your body till all of it is etched in my brain.

A permanent imprint.

I want you.

With every passing day, I want you.

I want you more and more.

It isn't right to be so cynical.

You tell me that I am beautiful.

Not once.

Not twice.

You remind me every day.

I don't want to run away anymore.

I want to stay, stay the night.

Stay in bed withyou and cuddle.

Talk about love, drugs and taxes maybe.

Who cares.

The only thing I want is to be with you. 

In your arms, forever.

Warpaint

Wounds still fresh, 

I emerge from the dark,

My scars are for the world to see.

I no longer have the energy to carefully hide my ugly.

Under the makeup.

Under the false sense of bravado.

Under meaningless chatter.

I am not okay.

Perhaps I shall never be.

I've cheated worse than death,

I've cheated my destiny. 

Electric Ladyland

You have to cut the cord when the ego becomes greater than the musicality.
No shame.
Disconnect.
Hibernate.
Hit refresh, start over again.

We're all human,
learning from our mistakes,
learning every day.
We grow.
We grow into our heroes,
We grow into our demons.
Repeat the process till it's time to make an exit.

Slay like a lion.
Love like a dog.
Trust like a child.
Rebel hearts should never be tamed.

The fire in my heart burns with feverish passion.
And I will spread it, like wildfire.
One soul at a time.
Infect the whole world with my magic.

Say my name.
Say it, say it again...

There's something electric about the way he touches me.
Discovers my body, my soul.
He kisses me tenderly.
On the mouth and then on my forehead.
My lover, my salvation.

His thrusts are gentle, yet firm.
On and on and on and on.
The music stops playing.
The show goes on still.
On and on and on.

Exorcising me of my demons,
My lover, my salvation.
The king on the throne, the keeper of my heart...

The National, Insomnia

'Little blue haired girl, out in the big city.
Past full of adventures, bags still packed.
It won't be long before you set out again.

Don't think about it.
Fast-forward, don't rewind.
Don't rewind.
It'll wreck you.'

" everything I love is on the table, everything I love is out to sea.."
I shut my eyes and all I can think of is that night of listening to Trouble Will Find Me, jacked up on the worst drugs, fighting the worst depression in years.
Give me death, I pleaded.
But life has no mercy for martyrs.

Dark faces, darker souls.
I don't want to be where I am.
"and if you want to see me cry, play Let It Be or Nevermind"

Don't rewind.
Never rewind.
Let go.
But I can't.

I'm strangely obsessed.
"I have faith but don't believe it"

One moment of beauty and everything becomes dark forever.
My bad drugs.
My humiliation.
My shame.

His dick.
My mouth.
His dick.
My body.
Our secret.
My cross to bear.

What if I am.
What if I am.
What do I do?
I can't keep it, I'm too young, still a child.
Or at least in my head I am.

Maybe if I shoot more up, it'll cause my body to reject it.
I am in denial.
I have been in denial for over two weeks now.
My friends are worried.
"I'm not alone, I'll never be. And to the bone, I'm evergreen."

Don't rewind.
Never rewind.
It's all in the past.
"Calm down, it's alright, keep my arms the rest of the night."

But fate is kind.
Yet I don't learn my lesson.
Such a strange loss.
The sigh of relief becomes a reason for heartache.
So alone, I deal with it bravely, all alone.

His dick.
His semen.
My cross to bear.

I wake up from the nightmare.
The drugs don't help, sobriety does.
I cry it out.
I cry it out.
It's okay. Everything's okay again.
Fast forward to tonight.
But I can't sleep.
My nightmares don't scare me, my past is scarier.

Drugs.
So many drugs.
Drugs that make me go crazy, drugs that make me sane.
"I'm tired, I'm freezing, I'm dumb"

I feel like a different person now, four months and many tears later.
I can never forget the sheer heartbreak though, the realisation of being all alone, fighting my battles.
It comes back.
The severe repercussions of being naive.
That's alright.
I've found my peace with myself.
It happened in strange lands, under strange circumstances.
The struggle seemed endless,
I made it through.
Lord, I made it through.
Never again.
Never ever again.

"When they ask what do I see, I say a bright white beautiful heaven hangin' over me..."

Cynicism and Sex

I picture the smirk on your face.

I know you're trying to understand what's on my mind,

Looking for a reaction.

Looking for comfort.

Looking for love.

As you thrust, sometimes slow and sometimes hard.

You're trying to figure out which one brings me most pleasure.

Because you've sensed how capable I am of strange familiarity. 

"I've never felt this way before."

Yes you have.

Yes you have.

Don't fall for it.

Don't fall for me. 

It will do you no good, it will do me no good.

I don't want to play games with you.

You're a kind soul.

It takes one to spot one.

I don't want to ruin you.

Oh, this endless self-pity.

Oh, this deep sense of mistrust.

When you're used and abused over and over again, you start to think maybe you're not worth anything at all. You have trouble coming to terms with the fact that someone really does find you beautiful, worth something. You have a hard time believing that there are no ulterior motives, you're not someone's temporary sex toy or someone's trophy for them to keep on the top shelf.

It's hard because your instincts are like that of a child. You trust unconditionally, even though your heart has been broken into countless pieces over and over again in the past

But I've always dreamt of you.

I've always believed that there will be a knight in shining armour who'll make me feel woman again someday.

Is that you?

Isn't that you?

Please don't be like the last one, a personification of all my worst fears.

You're not like the others. I know it, I just do.

I'm not asking you to love me, just be kind...

I'll be celibate till I meet you next.

Like losing my virginity all over again.

I'm yours, only yours...

Nobody's Fool

I refuse to be the girl who is told that her dreams are too big.

I refuse to be the girl who bows before infidels.

I refuse to be the girl with no love, no passion.

I refuse to be the girl who dies before she is born.

I am not the girl you keep on the top shelf and eventually forget about.

I am not the girl who will sugarcoat her words so it doesn't bruise your ego.

I am not the girl who will mother you till you turn into an adult.

I am not the girl who will stray.

I am not the girl with hollow thoughts, inconsequential aspirations.

I am not the girl who will back down till she finds herself.

I am the girl you fall in love with. The love remains till the day you die. If it goes away, then you perhaps never loved me at all.

I am the girl who teaches you love, grace. 

I am the girl you'll never forget.

I am the blood in your veins.

I am the beat of your heart.

I am the taste in your tongue.

I am your throbbing penis, aching for a release.

I am the void that can never be filled by someone else.

I am not extraordinary, I am not a goddess.

I am your girl.

Beautiful Stranger

He calls me beautiful and then whispers something in his mother tongue.

"I can't translate it, but you understand, don't you?"

I do.

We run our fingers through each other's bodies. My heart is beating so fast. As is his.

But slowly we're both calm like the sea.

His dog, Papouche, takes an instant liking for me.

Man, woman and dog. What a life this couldn't have been.

I want to lie in his arms and sleep forever.

Straight out of a romance novel, our adventure.

We listen to his favourite music. I play some of my favourite songs. It's beautiful, even though we don't understand a word. We don't need to. We can feel it.

We kiss. We cuddle. I want to stay with him forever. The sex is great, but it's the after that I crave for. The intimacy. I hadn't felt it for so long that I tear up a little inside.

"Don't go"

"I don't want to go" 

He's not like the last one, bruising my self confidence with endless tales of past lovers. He wears a condom. He has no erection problems. "You're so beautiful" he keeps telling me with that heavy French drawl as he moves the hair away from my face to kiss me.

He kisses my forehead. He kisses my cheeks. He gazes at me oh so lovingly.

I fall for him. I fall hard and fast. 

This is unreal.

We make love. I was expecting sex. But we make love.

He's a big man. He's a strong man. He does not resort to any fancy tricks like a sex monkey. It's traditional. It's liberating. He enters me and kisses me on the mouth. He looks right into my eyes. He makes love to me. We make endless love. 

A french lover.

My french lover.

I know I probably won't ever see him again but at this point in life, he came to me like an angel who kissed my wounds away, made me feel alive again. Made me feel woman again. Made me feel whole, so complete.

I'm done opening my legs for random middle aged men who spew bullshit from their mouths and eye me like prey.

Real men exist. Real men who are not afraid to love. Real men who's gaze isn't perpetually filled with lust.

I know now.

"Stay a little longer, I'm starting to fall in love"

"I can't. I am scared I am too.."

Curse of The Cursed

"You're beautiful"
He doesn't call me 'hot' like the last joker.
Ten points.
Ten more for that accent.
Ten more for that lean body.
His face looks beautiful under the moonlight. "You're handsome". He doesn't understand what I'm saying. Chiselled features, white supremacy.
Under the stars, by the sea.
I look at the sky. The moon makes an appearance at last.
We're sitting so close to each other. Half understanding each other's words, but fully aware of the beauty around us. The calm of the sea, the serenity of the moonlight.
He kisses me.
His arms are around me. I touch his face, feel the stubble on his chin.
"I want you"
He touches my thigh.
Oh you bloody charming French man.
He looks so gorgeous under the moonlight.
A page right out of a romance novel.
Yet I feel nothing.
Maybe I'll fuck him just to live out this fantasy, maybe I won't. I don't know.

Is this how it's always going to be? Kiss for sport, fuck for fun?
I don't want it.
I don't want any of it.
Or maybe I do.
I don't know...

Nobody

I steal a glance in the mirror.

My body has changed with time.

I am Comfortable in my own skin,

No longer overtly critical.

I see the fine form of a young woman.

Toned, slightly muscular.

A body that works, works hard.

Lean.

Stomach concave from the hunger to achieve bigger things in life.

Thighs strong from running around, jumping through hoops.

Flexible hips. Sensual hips.

Young, supple, full of energy.

Yet a face so tired, so unloved. 

Up In Air

It gets lonely on top, mid air.

So scarred, so scared.

I'll never let my guard drop again.

My walls will be high like the Great Wall of China.

No invasion, isolation.

I am nobody's.

Nobody is mine.

Love, what's that?

It doesn't exist.

Lust.

Conquest.

A tale you tell your friends.

Perhaps old lovers, to make them jealous.

He kissed my mouth, never my face.

It hurts to think.

It hurts to live.

It hurts to breathe.

Discarded like a broken toy.

And yet I soar so high.

Everything is falling into place, but only, it's not.

It gets so lonely on top.

I move away from a human connection with every passing day.

So scarred, so sacred.

They have their eyes on me. 

But only for a while.

Nobody wants to deal with damaged goods.

I learn.

I learn the hard way.

But I learn nevertheless... 

Rock And Roll Memoir

My life is as rock and roll as it gets at the moment. Never want this fucking tour to end. I want to do this forever and ever. With the initial inhibitions gone, I feel like musicians who play in bands are different creatures. They understand one another somehow, echo the same sentiments about life and work. It's a great feeling to be able to do what you love, I feel fucking privileged.
Sure there's no money, no name, no end game to all of this. But does it matter?
Let me have my moment of madness and glory. I'm high when I'm on stage, possessed. No drugs, no alcohol, just plain adrenaline. 3 down, 5 more to go.
This 2 Stroke tour is turning out to be the adventure of a lifetime. So much that I've lost interest in the big-name headliner gigs that we're playing during the later part of this year. Who cares about those man. This is the real deal, roughing it out. A proper tour, no fancy bullshit.

Back home for a day's breather and the Oasis tune keeps playing in my head. I feel it. I feel the words, the sentiments after all these years.

"I live my life for the stars that shine
People say it's just a waste of time
When they said I should feed my head
Well, that to me was just a day in bed

I'll take my car and drive real far
You're not concerned about the way we are
In my mind my dreams are real
Now you're concerned about the way I feel 

Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star.

Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star.

You're not down with who I am
Look at you now, you're all in my hands
Tonight 

Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star

Tonight, I'm a rock 'n' roll star.

It's just rock 'n' roll
It's just rock 'n' roll"

I'm done with the bad drugs and bad dicks. My tragedies seem so insignificant. I have received so much love and positivity from so many people these last few days. I was just looking at life all wrong. My love spreads like a disease, one I can't control. The more I give, the more I love selflessly, the more I get in return.

Rock and roll, baby.

Woke up.

Packed my bags. Made sure I had enough patch cables. 

Set out for the day.

What bandh? It's all just an excuse.

At the magician's studio, we spend hours and hours trying to fix the last minute creases.

He is my guardian angel. My hero.

Both of them, such rockstars.

I am blessed to have them in my life, guiding me every step of the way.

But it's not enough to knock some sense into me. 

The withdrawal kicks in.

Trembling hands.

I'm going to fall.

No I'm not. I can do this.

Play it out.

Play it out.

But this time really does feel like the end.

I have no strength left anymore.

Mentally.

Physically.

Emotionally.

I feel ugly.

It hurts.

I feel tainted.

It hurts so much.

This sobriety is killing me.

Taking away my will to live, to fight.

Never again. 

Never again.

But I just want the pain to end.

Never again, I swear.

Why did I start doing *?

I try and remember. I think it had something to do with my spirit being crushed by a boy. 

I say boy and not man because that is what he was.

My shame.

My dirty little secret.

My bad decisions.

My window to bad drugs.

And now I've gone too far down the rabbit hole.

I can't seem to get back up.

I feel like I've lost the battle.

After all these years of struggle.

I've lost.

I don't have the strength or the motivation to get back up anymore.

I still can't decide if it's an act of extreme bravery or cowardice to let go. End the misery once and for all.

Maybe I need to really think about which one it is.

Everything will become infinitely easier once I decide. Once and for all.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

I can't believe it hurts so much.

When will this end.

Will this ever end?