I stood and watched the strange culmination in wonder, I was blessed to be possibly the youngest soul there. I wanted to take it all in.
The lady at the catering made me a special concoction of local rhum with honey before that. She explained to me that it would be good for my throat as it was starting to get chilly. I downed it, she gave me another. I settled for the beers after that, figured I wouldn't be drinking any of those back home so I wanted to hold on to those peculiar tastes for as long as I could.
I wandered through the crowd. People kissed my cheeks and told me things I didn't understand, mostly good, judging by their expressions.
"Merci, meri beaucoup"
"Merci"
I wanted to stay there forever.
People back home are strange, there is a sort of heirarchy that exists. The snobs have their own cliques, as do the wannabes. There is no mingling without ulterior motives. Everybody wants to be at the afterparty because it's cool. But no one's really having fun.
My band was lost in the crowd. No point looking for them, I'd find them eventually at the hotel in any case.
I mingled with the folks, sometimes having trouble following conversations and getting lost in translation. But it was a warm fuzzy feeling, to be there amongst them. They were celebrating music, celebrating life and not strategising monetary profits.
We played three very different venues this time around, each of them unique and quite surreal. If I had the choice to go back and live there, I probably would.
I'd give up being a part of the rat race here and go live there in perfect mediocrity, normalcy.
Maybe I'd shack up with Papuche and A.
My french is still absolutely terrible. But He teaches me a new word or phrase every day.
I'm off to Delhi for the weekend and honestly I'm not looking forward to it. There is no joy, no love there.
I find the city impersonal and the people pretentious, soulless. Definitely not all, but too many. I want to fast forward to Saturday when I go spend some time with my best friend. I need to update her about almost too many things this time around.
But my heart is stuck at A and my memories of him. I want to take off and set out on adventures, go completely off the grid when he gets here.
I'm scared it might not work out though. I'm scared I may never see him again.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's quite depressing when I think about how things have gone wrong every time I have fallen in love. I'm almost too scared to fall in love anymore. But how can I not, this time around.
I thought he'd let go. I thought it would be over, but he hangs on, gives me hope. Almost too much.
I get asked out on a date, I politely refuse.
I no longer have the energy to have sex. I want to make love, sweet love, powerful love.
Crossing my heart, counting the days till he gets here. Like I said before, he makes me want to stay, this time around. I don't want to roll over to the other side of the bed and go to sleep, I want to be held like a partner, an equal.
Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for, maybe I won't.
It doesn't really matter though.
I feel like a woman, no longer the little girl that I used to be..
