Speak to me with just your eyes.

Say those words.

I'm dying.

I'm dying in your arms.

Don't go, stay with me.

Hold me.

Don't go.

I need you to stay for a little longer.

In my world of darkness,

you shine like the sun.

But don't fall in love with me,

I'm your nightmare.

Don't make me come true.

Don't let me come true.

The Girl Who Was Empty Upstairs.

Hate is a strong emotion. I try to steer clear from it, because I know what I am capable of doing to the thing/person that/who I hate. It's scary. Trust me, you don't want me to get there. I find it very difficult to control myself once that side of me has been let loose.

You're pushing it. Bitch. You have NO idea how badly I can fuck your life up. I'm a nice person in general but don't take my niceness for granted. Shut the fuck up, you're a nobody. Stop being jealous of me and try to do something with your own worthless life instead. I am where I am at the moment, because I bloody WORKED for it. Oh wait, that didn't occur to you, did it? For you it's all about name-dropping and gossip, isn't it?

Stop falling all over my boyfriend or for that matter any other guy just to get their attention you slut. The funny part is that you are so thick headed that you probably don't even realize how everybody just sees through you.You're the unimportant scum who doesn't matter. Trust me, NONE of us care whether you live or you die.

Stop bitching about my best bud and don't you DARE talk about his playing skills cause we all know who is what. You think criticizing him makes you look cool? Well sorry to burst your bubble but with this last stunt that you've pulled, you've just PROVED TO EVERYBODY what a jackass you really are.

But that's not the worst bit about you. You know what is? The fact that you're a fake. You can try and try and try some more to convince yourself of what a diva you are and etc etc etc, but a lie can never really turn into the truth. The truth, unfortunately, IS that you're a loser. None of us like you. We're just decent individuals following the guidelines of basic social conduct. But you're pushing us, really. Its like a rubber-band that you're constantly stretching and it's almost about to snap, snap back into your skin and leave a deep, deep wound. Trust me, you don't want to get scarred for the rest of your life, do you?

So my advice to you would be to

a) cello-tape your mouth for a while. All that ever comes out of it is ABSOLUTE CRAP. Spare us from your mindless bullshit. It's bad enough that we have to see your face, spare us from the torture, ok bimbo?

b) Sit back at home, think of how to undo the damage that you've done to yourself and practise. When you're done, practise some more. Then some more. Go to sleep, repeat the process. Do this for the next 6 months.

c) Get somewhere. Get people to notice you and talk about you for your talent and not make fun of you. Learn to detect sarcasm. It'll break your heart once you do because you'll realise that the people who've been laughing with you have technically been laughing *at* you. You had your head so high up your ass, that you didn't realise.

d) Stop bitching about and criticizing every goddamn person you have heard of. Cheap gossip and unwanted opinions will NOT get you anywhere.

Anyhoo, you don't not deserve any more space in my blog than this. In fact you should feel thankful that someone as insignificant as you even got a mention here.

You suck. We all, as your well-wishers, hope that you realise that soon.

Take care you.

:)

Clouds

They escape once in a while.

But I keep them chained to the floor most of the time.

I feed them.

I bathe and clothe them.

I even humour them.

Yet they escape,

I don't know why.

Sometimes they die a slow and painful death.

They grow into vicious creatures at times.

Taming them is a hard thing to do.

So I chain them to the floor.

I gag them.

I try to erase them off.

I try to cut them into disconnected and disjointed pieces.

I shut them out.

Those dark, twisted thoughts in my head.

(Yes, I am scared of myself, VERY scared of myself. I am scared of all the things that I am capable of doing-to both myself and to others. I ca n feel that transition again. It used to be a smoother process before, it just happens randomly now. I guess medication/therapy/blah can't really help me. It's like a fucking disease. But guess what. It's okay. I'm ready to take it on again. Fuck this. Fuck bipolarity)

Death And All His Friends

I've had two consecutive good trips over a span of 48 hours. I stoned after what quite honestly seemed like ages and for a change, I'm not feeling bad about it. I didn't get high because I *had* to or to *escape* from a situation. I did because I felt like it, out of the blue.

However, I would like to clarify that I DO NOT support/encourage the use of any form of narcotics. I'd rather be down and out than resort to intoxicants to make myself feel better.

Yeah so anyway, it's funny how you suddenly have a moment of clarity when you're in that haze and at that point of time, you realize that in spite of the the shit that it throws at you from time to time, life is a beautiful thing, that happens only once....very sadly...

I guess greenery brings out the philosopher in most and the joker in some. It's the latter that fascinate me because I belong to that category too. I may have the saddest life on planet earth, not a penny to my name, no place to call home and no one who cares, but I'll still be happy-as long as I have the ability to laugh it all off, to laugh it all away..

Life is such a beautiful heartbreak, ending in death-a romance where the lovers part ways forever in the end. It's such a tragedy. Life is such a tragedy. We're here today and gone tomorrow, as simple and insignificant as that. All our life we try to be happy, like an informal quest. But makes us the happiest, love?

Love indeed is a queer thing,my form of love often borders on obsession and insanity. But that's the way I am. I've said this before, I'm a very passionate person..When I love, I tend to give it everything. I can't help it.

I would do just about anything to see that look on his face-those eyes on the brink of insanity.

My love drives him crazy, there is no better feeling in the world for me at the moment than that. The goosebumps on his skin, the flush of red on his face, the quiver in his voice, the beads of sweat on his brow, his eyes crying out for me to come and save him from the madness...I could go on forever ...

I'm obsessive. I'm insane. But tell me, can someone else rock your world like I do?

I have always been drawn towards intensity. I guess it's because I'm a passionate person by nature. I put my heart and soul into whatever I do, till the point where it almost becomes obsessive, or I just don't do it at all.

When I'm up on stage, I can't sing well if I don't connect with either the song or the audience. I just cant. I noticed last night that so far my best performances, be it with Pseudonym or !Banned, have been the ones when I've sang not just with my voice, but with my heart.

I'm a passionate lover. I can't do it if I'm not feeling the same intensity with the other person. I think that is why Retard and I making so many memories together, no matter how different we may be from each other, it's that intensity and that passion which draws me close to him like a honeybee intoxicated on his nectar.

For me friendship is all about the intensity as well. I LOVE my friends and would do just about any thing in the world to make them happy. People call me crazy all the time, but that's okay, at the end of the day, I know that it makes them happy and so it makes me happy...

Be My Valentine?

Okay, so I'm in love with you.

But I won't say it till you do.

No flowers.

No gifts.

No cheesy lines.

Just one question,

will you be my valentine?

I DO NOT believe in Valentine's Day, it's such a sham! :|

(I edited this post the next day cause I was feeling lazy last night and so I ended it rather abruptly)

yeah so anyway, I don't really believe in the concept of Valentine's Day. It's overrated. I may be all mushy at times, but romance is supposed to be an everyday affair and not something that is meant to be felt (?)/shown(?)/expressed (?) on only ONE particular day of the year...So, what *did* I do today? Oh well, spent time with retard. Yeah that's right, we spent a whole lotta time together, I played with the !Banned guys at a macha contest and got dropped back home. My point here being that it was nothing outta the blue. Retard and I are going to spend time together again tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that...

Every day is Valentine's day for us. Oh yeah! :P

The Athenian: Where I Belong

It's official, the nostalgia is finally starting to kick in, my (or rather our) farewell is in another 6 hours and I can't quite get myself to capture the memories of a span of 12 friggin years in just one post.

It's true that I hate my school for what it has done to me time and again but I'm going to miss hating my school so much once I'm out of it (which in a way, I am already). There are so many memories that I associate with Osoka Hell as some of us would rather sardonically would call it.

Amidst the rubbish, the politics and the murk, there were a few beautiful people and a few beautiful things about my school. Once such was my baby, The Athenian, the quiz club of Ashok Hall. Priyanka and Annesha Didi (who later just became Priyanka and Annesha) were two seniors who I had always been in awe of. Not because they were so smart and witty and brilliant but because they made me feel like I was not the only one in school who thought that it was a perfectly good thing to know stuff and be well read, not restricting one's knowledge only to one's text books. Mind you, this may seem very obvious to you, but you have to take into consideration that I went/go to a school where the majority think that it's cool to be ignorant.

So anyway, when Annesha announced the introduction of a quiz club in school, I was shit scared to join but I finally mustered the courage and attended a meeting. The first meeting that I went to broke all my notions about quizzing. Nobody followed any quiz books. Nobody bossed over another and everybody was equally interested in learning new things from one another. That is one thing that immediately made me fall in love with the way the unofficial quiz club worked in our school-everybody taught something or the other and everybody learnt someting or the other.

A year went by quickly, Alokita Di, who was the senior most passed out and priyanka and Annesha became the senior most. Though they got caught up with their exams and all that, they managed to keep the ball rolling. We even had Mr. CP Singh help us out during a few sessions and well I only have one word for that great man-RESPECT! We started going for the quizzes, random ones as well as major ones. We won some and lost most, but that didn't matter. We quizzed to enlighten ourselves, not to win.

But the year that followed is probably the most special for me. The quiz club was now Gayatri's and my baby (not literally, of course!). Since she was more of a friend and never much of a senior to me, we had the most kickass meetings in the computer labs ever!! Now this next bit is going to be very hard for me, but I think I'll give it a shot: (The Athenians as I know, in random order:)

• Monishita->Moni-> Okay, so I am officially at a loss of words for this girl. I met her on the first day of my induction into the quiz club and I was completely BLOWN AWAY by the amount of stuff that she knew for someone of her age. Initially dismissing her to be of the serious kind, boy did she prove me wrong and how. Moni, I love you so much that it hurts and also you have no idea the amount of respect that I have for you. I'm starting to get all nostalgic by thinking of some of the things that we did, that'll be forever etched in my memory. From making pornographic jokes in the computer lab so loudly that the teachers could hear to bitching about Uncle Fester and his mean ways to cribbing about the lack of support from school to plotting against but secretly ogling at a certain somebody to being scolded by the guards at BCL for being loud and obnoxious, you and I have come a long way. You were just a junior in the team, but you became a very close friend of mine..all because of the Athenian. Please don't stop quizzing, ever. Even when you're 40 years old (that'd make me 41, ewww), we'll still reunite as a quiz team like the good old days and kick some serious butt at those goddamn open quizzes. Whokkay?
• Shreya Vohra ->Vohra-> Unlike Moni, I had actually known Vohra from junior school where we paired up during those Maggi quizzes but remained distant from each other throughout the rest of the year. Class 9 happened (to me), we were regularly having those sessions and that was the time that brought her close to me. We share some special memories too but I don't know why but the first thing that pops into my head is that of Vidjanjali quiz which Gayatri, you and I went for and there was a creepy retarded lecher staring at my legs. Nevermind. But that apart, you'll forever be special to me as the kid who grew up in front of my eyes. From the geek who blushed at the mere mention of something adult to the sassy teenager whose confidence was something to die for. No matter how sad it may have been for us, but you did a really good thing by leaving, unlike some stubborn people (re: the person above) who choose to stay back in this hell-hole. Vohra, please be the way you are and DON'T ever settle for mediocrity, up and above-that is where you belong, not with the average Janes around you. I love you also, soo soo much!!
• Debajanjali-> Deba (I REFUSE to call you "Debbie" and all those cheesy Americanized names!)-> The only one in the lot who I could actually call a proper junior just so that I could exert my authority on her. Hehhehe. From being the wonder eyed and confused with the camaraderie, you too have come a long way and trust me, you tend to underestimate your own capabilities at times, I'm not asking you to change that bit about you, I'm just asking you to figure out a way to turn that into as asset. I remember how you fell in love (and consequently out of) with a certain somebody from a certain team and then cried your heart out and even decided to quit quizzing because you'd have to see his face. THANK GOD you didn't, what on earth would be do without you?! Please keep quizzing and whatever you do, please don't come back in 11, you belong somewhere better.
• Sudarshana->Sud-> the ONLY member in the club who I can say is thinner than me. woohoo! I'm not going to say anything about you as a batch-mate cause it'd take up a whole lotta space. But as far as the quiz club is concerned, I wish you'd join sooner, it would have been more fun to have somebody from my batch with me to share the camaraderie with.
• Alokita Di, Annesha, Priyanka and the other seniors-> well I know you won't kill me simply cause you can't so I'll just go ahead and say those words...as a junior, I have always been in awe of you people and back in class 6/7, I wanted to be just like you one day when I grew up (!) and it was because of all of you that I started to love quizzing but more importantly, grew an interest for knowing and discovering and exploring and sometimes making porno jokes. When my juniors tell me how cool I am and how they want to be like me when they grow up etc etc, I secretly smile and thank my lucky starts, THANK GOD they haven't seen you people like I have, I would have been dismissed as a complete jackass then!
• Vidisha, Suchetana, Nilofer, Manvi, Sonal, Shreya, Ritika, Mayurakshi, Anwesha and any other junior who I'm so sorry to have missed out ->you guys ARE the future and I have immense faith in you to keep the legacy going. Please kick butt and make me proud!!

Last, but definitely not the least is my partner in crime-cum senior-cum worst nightmare,

• Gayatri->Gay and other such abbreviations-> Okay, so you're probably the most annoying, retarded and foul tempered girl that I have come across in my 18 years of existence, but you know what, at the end of the day, I love you for who (or rather 'what'!) you are, from those juvenile TCS IT Whiz quizzes to Puffin, you've been the best team mate one could ask for. Moni, you and I were probably the greatest team ever-I mean c'mon, WHO CAN BEAT THE RAPPORT THAT WE SHARED?!?! I'm so sorry that you didn't get to be the Quiz Club Captain, when in reality, it was you who deserved it a lot more than me. But I'm so thankful to you for not letting that get in the way of our 'fraandsheep'. Gayatri Kaul, you are one helluva quizzer and I cannot think of any other person topping your randomness. (for example that 'cursor' during Puffin) Thank you for nagging me to join the quiz club and so in a way changing my life. The meetings weren't the same without you, really...

So I think I'll end my post here...I'm very VERY emotional right now. But to sum this up, I'll forever be an Athenian-till the day i die...

You look at me.
Your eyes seem to have a story to tell.
What's it going to be about this time,
My ignorance or my insecurities?

Pick a Label, Whadja Get? I Got Punk Slut!

I don't like labels. I dislike it even more when I get labelled. I don't approve of the whole concept of stereotyping someone because of their appearance.

Just because I have ''emo'' hair (woohoo!) again, does that mean that I'm emo, the way I was once upon a time when "the hair" was becoming a fad? What is emo anyway?! I've been called goth just because I usually wear dark clothes and have raccoon eyes most of the time cause I'm too lazy to pimp myself up. People have called me boho at times just because I've chosen to pull stuff out of my closet and just wear them without keeping colour coordination in mind. I've even been called punk because of the tattoos and the piercings. Seriously, what's the logic behind the conclusion?!

But to look at it with a lighter perspective, if I really had to pick a label for myself, I think I'd pick that of a geek. I am not the textbook-mugging up kind, mind you....I am worse, I am the random geek who wants to know it all and believes that learning is a process that lives on till the day we die. There is nothing wrong with being a geek-there's so many things to know, so many wondrous things to read, to hear, to smell, to taste, to feel, to touch...to experience. Everyday is like a lesson in the book of life. Yes, I KNOW how gay the last sentence was, but that is the truth, isn't it?

Suyasha Sen is a geek and is proud to be one. All geeks unite!

*makes spastic face*

Finding Another Me

It is time.

I must go. Away some place.

Past the barren streets.

Past the meadows of shame

I must go. Away some place

where no one knows my name...

And you'll never see the tears that swell in my eyes.

You'll never hold me in your arms again.

But just for tonight,

will you lie next to me and watch the stars above us?

Dissonance

moments, they come.

moments, they go.

moments that make me wish they'd never pass.

moments that make me die a thousand deaths.

moments, taking you away from me.

moments, bringing me back to life.

i lived on, just to see your face.

i lived on, just to kiss your lips.

i lived on, just to be held in your arms.

but you killed me in the end.

how can i come back now?

Sometimes you have to break everything down and start again from scratch. Starting with the same old thing is not the bit that's the hardest, letting it go and watching it disintegrate into a million little pieces is.

I'm starting to wonder if it's just me or if everything really does come with an expiry date-love, friendship, interests, fame, fortune and even sanity.

"In the someday, what's the sound?"

I feel a teeny weeny bit flattered. A lot of people have been reading my blog. Yes I know, all comments have been disabled. I have done that because a blog is essentially like a journal, or a diary. You read a diary, but keep your opinions to yourself. Similarly, my blog is a random collection of rather personal thoughts. I write because I feel like it. Thanks a whole bunch for reading it. But that's where it ends. I can be really mean at times, he he he, I know!

But jokes apart, I think it's time for me to move on. I have been updating this blog for nearly two years now and like most things, this is where it ends. My first post was sometime in July 2008 and my last post shall be sometime in July 2010, I'm so sorry, but this is something that I just have to do...

The Perils Of Being Mary Sunshine

When it comes to piercings, needles work wayyyy better than piercing guns. I would know about it, I have 18 of them so far, out of which 5 were pierced with needles/silver and the rest were pierced with guns.

I am an absolute sucker for body art and body modifications, it drives my parents up the wall, but I have always been somewhat of a fetishist when it came to body art. It's a lot better than stoning or causing yourself pain atleast. I got my first set of piercings on the lobe like a good little girl when I was barely a couple of months old. The thought of a whole bunch of accessories never really fascinated me as a child but as I grew, I had this desire to wear a nose stud and a navel ring. Not because of anything else, but because it'd make me feel good.

So I think I was about 14 years old when I woke up one morning and said to myself, "Fuck it, no more contemplating, I will get my navel pierced today!" and so I called up my friend, convinced him to take me and just went ahead and did it. That was what I was like as a kid-wild, impulsive, random and crazy. Be it stoning in school, dying my hair blue, randomly collecting money on the road by ambushing strangers to feed street dogs or trying to jump off from the terrace etc-that was who I was.Three years back, I was wild and carefree and I was myself. I'm just like a domesticated housewife now. This has nothing to do with my guy though, he's not the one binding me to a seemingly average lifestyle, au contraire, he likes the wild streak that I have in me. It's me who is doing this to myself.

I don't think this is about growing up, it's more of making compromises for society. But I have compromised to the point where I am starting to not recognize who I am.

This was never me. This is NOT me. I am not this weak and fragile. I didn't cry the day my favourite kitten died, that too in my arms. I didn't cry when my aunt passed away because of cancer. I didn't cry when my very best friends in school ditched me just because I got nominated as School Captain and they didn't.Heck, I didn't cry the day he raped me. So why now?

It makes me feel so stupid when I even think about it. Here I am, taking pride in being so strong mentally, but breaking down because of such incredibly foolish reasons.

But anyway, this post was not meant to be one where I wallow in self-pity. So I'd better put a lid on it. The primary reason why I started to get piercings was because I promised myself that I'd never cut myself again. Though I have failed to live up to it at times, I have kept my promise more or less.

If you're in pain, take up an instrument, join an activity club, write, paint, tell people about it, blog, take a walk, get a tattoo if it's that bad (though I wouldn't quite recommend it cause the shit is permanent and it's not very wise to get a tattoo just for the sake of it, without it being of any significance to you!). If the pain really gets to you, then seek help. Therapy really does help. But cutting yourself is just useless. You think it'd make you feel better, but honey it doesn't. It never can. It just makes you feel worse at the end of the day.

If you're a cutter, then don't be ashamed to admit it. Seek help, either from someone else or from within. If you want, you can come out of it completely, if I can..I think you can too. After all, we're just average human beings, none of us are superheroes!

Open your eyes.

Cleanse your soul.

Wipe those tears.

Fill up that hole.

Not with lies,

Not with pain,

But the purity

Of the pouring rain.

The rain of tears.

Tears for blood.

Just look, how a tiny drop

Turned into a flood.

Now I watch you drown,

while acting like an imbecile.

I watch as you sink,

and it makes me smile...

Lazarus

It's amazing what a song can do to you. It can leave you disillusioned. It can get you high. It can break your heart into a million little pieces and then glue every single piece back together. Just a song, one goddamn song...

All my life I have been listening to music and the more music that I listen to with each passing day, the more my tendency to relate a particular song to a memory and thus falling in love with it is starting to fade.

Sometimes all you need is a song to change the way you normally perceive things. Sometimes you fall in love with a song, you just do, there is absolutely no explanation behind it. It's like sex and making love. Sometimes while having sex, you end up making love, you just do and that is when your life changes, it could be for the better, it could be for the worse. But your life changes nevertheless. Similarly, your life can also change over a song, it can change over a few songs, it can change over many songs. I know mine has...

An Ode To A Friend

It's like skipping stones.

A hit and a miss.

What am I to you,

another random accomplice?

Can you hear me screaming,

Or should I be a little more loud?

Can you hear me from up there,

In your cannabis cloud?

You said you'd quit.

You said you'd be a better man.

Whatever happened to those promises?

What happened to those plans?

Bunny Rabbit, my poor bunny rabbit.

You grew up all wrong.

I tried to help you out.

But you sang another song.

The world ain't so bad.

If only you open your eyes and see.

Out there, somewhere,

love is waiting for you on a bent knee.

Please please wake up

wake up from this nightmare

I miss that sparkle in your eyes

Now all I get back is an empty stare...

(As you may have assumed, this one is for a dear friend of mine who is wasting away. I tried and tried and tried real hard to help him out, but I seem to have failed. I am completely helpless now and I haven't felt this awful for a long time...)

It's really annoying how a song gets stuck in your head and you JUST CAN'T STOP HUMMING IT!!

(The contents of this post have nothing to do with the title, I like being random-absolutely random-at times!)

I am still finding it so hard getting used to being the second or the third priority for someone. It's a very new concept for me. I am driven by passion and so it's only fair that whoever I am with shares the same passion as I do and like me, I'm his number one priority too.

Having said that, my conscience is pricking me. Why is that I feel so guilty? Yes I HAVE moved on from my previous relationship and though we had the most perfect two years of our lives, it just had to end, we both have accepted that and parted ways, probably for the better.

It's not about that, it's about how I treated him so badly for two goddamn years without even realising.

He loved me unconditionally, from the bottom of his heart. He changed himself from time to time just to suit my needs. He was my shoulder to cry on every time I needed somebody. He tried so hard to be my perfect man, but what I did was nothing but to break his heart. I am ashamed of myself for not loving him back even close to how he loved me. I am ashamed of only seeing his flaws when all he tried to do was to be his genuine self in front of me.

I am not suggesting that we should get back together, I still have such feelings for him, I regret breaking up with him etc.

All I'm trying to say is that S, if you're reading this (hope you aren't), mere words cannot describe how horrible I feel looking back on the things that I've done and said. I've made you unhappy, I've made you cry and no matter how many times I tell you that I'm sorry, it's not going to undo all the wrong. But I wish I had been a better girlfriend to you. It's a good thing that we're not together anymore because trust me, you deserve MUCH better than what you had to face for over two long years.

SO every time my guy hurts me these days, I know it's just karma getting back at me. I have (unintentionally) hurt that one person who truly loved me in the past and so it's time for me to pay for what I did, I can't complain...But it's a fact, what you do to others, you get back...I'm getting it all back now. I am finally feeling the exact same things that I made him feel. It's so bizarre that it's actually creepy.

But we had our moments too, moments where I loved him like no one probably can, I'm hoping that those moments *will* count and lessen the punishment for my sins...who knows...