I'm not Afraid

I am not afraid,
to let you hold me.
to let you unfold me.

I am not afraid,
to be your muse.
or your refuse.

I am afraid,
to fall in love with you.

rando(o)m

'When there's will, there's way.'
You say.
But don't you know
You've got nowhere to go?

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.


You come running back to me.
When she sets you free.
Yet you worship her.
To you it never does occur,

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.

Someday she'll go away
Into a new place, into a new day
who's gonna build you up again?
who's gonna help you cry away the pain?

She can never love you like I did.
She can never love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.
Before it's too late...

What I Do Best.

I am doing what I do best. Falling in love.
Yes, I am in love yet again, with Anthony Kiedis (go wiki him, if you don't know who I am talking about, you fool!)....Had picked up a second hand copy of his book 'Scar Tissue' from an obscure stall at the bookfair this year, but little did I know that it would fuck me up this bad.

However, I am not in love in the typical mush-infested way, it's just that he inspires me to write, to go ahead and finish those compositions and to believe in myself. It's okay to be randomly retarded. It's FUN to be randomly retarded. I am randomly retarded and so is he and look at where he is today!

Things have been progressing well (touch wood!) on the music front, I am starting to get over my shattered self-esteem, which seemed to have been hampering my ability to try new things, thus hampering my progress. But thanks to Kiedis, I am now OD-ing on RHCP, which seems to be a sure shot sign of a rapid increase in the bitch-gone-crazy side of me.

But lately, I have been feeling rather disconnected from people and I know that the problem lies in me. The thing is that I expect too much from people. I expect my parents to agree to whatever I say. I expect my boyfriend to understand me at all times. I expect my friends to be there for me 24*7...This not only causes friction in my social relationships, but it also makes me feel cruel, selfish and like a no-gooder.
I have been trying to deal with this the whole week, but it just does not seem to be working.
It's like my vicious cycle with the herbs years back. The more I'd try and tell myself to abstain, the more I'd lie to myself and go down the forbidden road, assuring myself that I am in-charge of my life and have the right to do whatever I want to.

On the brighter side of things, this term break has given me a lot more than I could ask for.

1. I have read and read and read. This has helped me clear my conscience, which was bugging me for becoming too shallow and Barbieish.
2. I have realised who my true friends are and who are the ones who fake it.
3. The report card, which was a pleasant surprise for a change, has inspired me to STUDY in class 12, get into a good college and then have the time of my life.
4. Music. Music. Music. i have rediscovered the joys of listening to Coldplay, Oasis,John Mayer and U2, for which I AM thankful.
5. Last but not the least, thanks to the term break and the sense of utter joblessness that comes with it, I have realized that there's more to life than constantly being surrounded by people. Being alone is SO much better when you have to do some serious self-analysis ad some self-discovery.

The deeper I look with me, the more I realize who I am and what I want from life, which helps a great deal when your mind is acting as an entity of it's own and showing you things that you DO NOT want to see.
I have come to terms with the things that I have, I things that I don't, the things I can have and the things that I can't. I have also come to terms with who I am. Yes, I am liberal, bisexual, irresponsible, mildly bipolar and have a constant craving for excesses. But hey, that's who I am and I love myself more than all else on earth, so come what may, I refuse to change myself!

WHAT MY BELLY BUTTON SAYS ABOUT ME~
:D

You Are Popular

You are bold, outgoing, and totally together. You live with passion, and you have rich life because of it. It is likely that you will only have one child. If you have more children than that, it may be hard to conceive. You are easily effected by the world around you. You are emotional and even a bit moody. You are a bit lazy. You sometimes don't shower or brush your teeth all day. You are wilder than most people, even if you don't feel all that wild. And you're a total show off.

What Does Your Belly Button Say About You?

A Love Story.

She walks down the road, yet again.
It is empty, nearly as empty as my heart.
I watch her walk down that road, yet again.
I turn away this time.

I'm not going to ask her to stop, anymore.
I'm not going to hold her hand, ever again.
I'm not going to forget her, ever.

She would remind me of the summer sun.
But not anymore, it burns too bright now.
She bites into me, I let her.

I let her hold me.
I let her unfold me.
I let her learn how to love me.
I let her be me, but never again.

She closes her eyes, I look away.
It is more painful than I thought it would be.
I watch, nevertheless.

I watch, as they hover over her pretty little head.
I watch, as they tear her to pieces.
I watch, as they devour her.
I watch, as she fades away,into the void.
I watch, as they throw away her mutilated body.

I had warned her.
The bitch did not listen.

For A Minute There, I Lost Myself...

I clearly have issues. I rely too much on others to make me happy, instead of looking for my own happiness.
I am jealous of everybody else's success. Yes i am, no matter how well I may hide that, trust me, deep down within, all i want to do is kick,scream,shout and curse.
I have had a far too isolated childhood and a far too abnormally complicated adolescence, so i really do think that i deserve a whole lot more than what i am getting now.

I have a clean karma and I feel that comparing myself with a slum dweller will NOT make me feel fortunate and grateful to "god", it will only make me feel shallow and guilty for not having an aorta of compassion in me whatsoever.

Which brings me to my next point, I am 17 and I have NO idea who I am or who I want to be. I lack ambition, majorly.
I'm a quitter. I give up at the drop of a hat. I lack the spirit to fight and my attention span would put any 5-year old to shame.

There are so many things that I have to, that i need to change about myself.
But if I do, will I still be me?
If so, who will I be?


But first and foremost, who am I?
Think you can tell me?!

Hate is a strong word but it fits this post Perfectly!

My self-confidence is at an all-time low thanks to a few individuals who have messed me up completely.
It's 'Women's Day' today, today is the day that we, as women, feel proud of our emancipation, our freedom from male domination and our ability to be ourselves regardless of what others think.
But to tell you the truth my friend, all that is nothing but bullshit.
In reality, all our actions and reactions are strongly based on what society expects from us.
We don't have the right to be at par with boys, they're too chauvinistic to let us.
They're too full of themselves to even care.

I hate you S for robbing me of my innocence.
I hate you Z for convincing me that i am a slut.
I hate you P , you're nothing but a coward, a chutiya and a wannabe.
I hate you R for never being by my side when I needed you.
I hate you G for always letting me down.
I hate you W for getting into that stupid accident which took you away from me.
I hate you S, for loving me so much that it changes who I am.

I hate all of you. I hate how you've filled me with false hopes and high expectations.
I hate you for making me shed tears, which were clearly not worth it.
I hate you.
Thanks to you, I have started to hate myself as well.



I don't deserve all this, do I?

Big City Life and Other Demons

Urban thoughts. Urban dreams. Urban forms of expression.
Grass.Crass.Carcass:

(I value my intellect. I also value my ability to do the stupidest things on earth at times, like for instance blogging at 4:30 am, when i have an exam the next day! I value my ideals. I value what i have and I value the constant need for all that i don't. I value my friends and family. But above all i value my individuality and i value who I am today.)

Don't fuck with me. Don't think you can get away with it. Don't think that you can fuck me up. I have been down that road too many times to start caring anyway.
I am full of myself, i admit. But there is more to me than what meets the eye.

I can be your dream.
I can be your worst nightmare.
I can be as gentle as an autumn breeze.
I can be as fiery as the summer sun.
I can bring you to your knees.
I can raise you as high up as the sky.
I am all that you've ever wanted.
I am all that you wish you never had.
I can intoxicate you.
I can drive you crazy.
I could kill you with my charm.
I could die a thousand deaths for you.

Fuck me, but don't fuck with me. I'll fuck you too.
I'll let you be my hero. I'll let you learn how to read me.

I am every woman, strong and powerful.
I am every woman, facing her demons alone.
I am every woman, i give you life, and hope.

I am every woman.
I AM THE DESTROYER, THE PRESERVER AND THE CREATOR.
I AM LIFE.
I AM DEATH.
I AM GOD.
Worship me!

Observations: School

School life is supposed to be one of the most fulfilling phases in one's life right? Well, yes it is, unless you got to my school, which in one word can be described as HELL.
But anyway, today was my last official working day in Class Eleven, so here's a post dedicated to my observations of my classmates and my school:

• Most people are ugly and selfish, layers of kajal and lip gloss cannot hide that!
• Apart from a few, my class is dumb enough not to know the meaning of 'vote bank', i kid you not!!
• Political Science is logical and interesting. But some idiots lack the common sense to answer questions based on observation, they fail to do so EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
• The minute i get to school, I wish I could go back home..."Home is where the heart is..."
• I have a strange craving for nicotine and caffeine when i'm in school, something that i normally may not have..
• Most people are rampant cheaters. They've always cheated in everything in life, yet somehow evil always prevails over good. They never get caught!
• The cheaters and the manipulators always go far ahead in life, the honest ones do not. life is unfair, you just HAVE to accept that and move on...
• Nobody actually gives a fuck, Most only PRETEND to do so, the rest are not as good when it comes to acting, so thankfully, they don't even try!
• Thin is in. Being narrow-minded is in. Ignorance tops the list though!
• Being loud, obnoxious and bitchy does attract a lot of attention but if someone is smart, then he/she will understand how empty and shallow you actually are. It's just that my class, with it's below-average intellect fails to do so!
• There is a picture of 'Jai HanumanJi Ki' in our classroom, right above the greenboard...why?!
  

Deep Inside of You: Third Eye Blind

I feel very deeply for music. It has been a wonderful companion to me almost all my life (or whatever bit of life i have experienced so far!). Unlike most people or things, it's something that remains with you. My love for it is like an ever shining star~it shall burn for me till the day that i die, and if i am fortunate enough to compose at least one piece before i die, I'd consider myself to be very lucky!

But today, which started out as any other ordinary day went on to become the day I would finally come to terms with a lot of things that I never thought I would:
(I'm going to be a good CBSE student now and put down my observations in point form!)

1. One of the main reason why I'm so friggin' OBSESSED with music is probably because I have a whole palette of memories associated with each song that i listen to.
Association kills the joy in being able to carefully scrutinize a song, but hey what the hell, who cares about the technicalities anyway?!

This theory probably does stand true in my case because i thought of why i love Nirvana so much today, and i realized that i have a thread of inter-connected memories that i associate with Nirvana. To me, Nirvana is not just about the music, but that whole phase in my life, when i spent every single day listening to their albums continuously, amidst all the camaraderie!

Also, the fact that i felt connected to Kurt's lyrics acted as an added incentive to do all that i really did and all think that i really thought.

The same...pretty much...goes for The Doors, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden and Radiohead as well.


2. Though i hate to admit this, but as a kid, I was madly in love with the Backstreet Boys and a part of me still is. My life in the mid 1990's were all about innocence, i was innocent. I did not know of the cruel ways of the world. The Backstreet Boys' music was innocent and young, it was devoid of any underlying complications...just like my life back then. Sweet. Upbeat. Happy. Maybe a little stupid, but very cute.


3. Most boys would like to have sex with me, at least the ones who know me and have met me in flesh and blood. They think of me as a 'readily available slut who you can diddle whenever you want to'. I have come to terms with that and "quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Yes, i have been through a crazy-hormonal period when I've felt the need to get laid by boys and i so have. I don't see anything wrong with having sex with a male friend if you're not going out with anyone. Sex is not just about love, all that is just crap that Hindi movies show to make money! Sex is a bodily function and if you label me as a slut just because i enjoy good sex and have no qualms in talking about it, then that really isn't my problem now, is it?!

Yes by the way, this was when i was introduced to Led Zeppelin.


4. No matter how many people i may surround myself with, at the end of the day, I'm still alone as hell and nobody really can understand me completely. Nobody knows me better than I know myself and when people say that they know better than I know myself, i feel like spitting on/ blowing smoke in their face!

This attitude was heavily influenced by punk/alternative stuff like Marilyn Manson, Greenday, Blink 182 and the like...


5. Sappy pop songs STILL hold a very special place in my heart. I mean c'mon, how many of us haven't really fallen for stuff like 'I'm Like A Bird' by Nelly Furtado?! (it's currently playing on my music player, hence the mention...:)

This brings me to yet another self-discovery, no matter how bitchy/mean/slutty/cool/liberal/rational and practical i may think myself to be, at the end of the day, I'm still soft under all those intelligent layers which try to cover up this fact!


6. Last but the definitely not the least:
Music was something that was imbibed in me when i was a toddler, by my parents, for which I'm deeply indebted to them.
All those afternoons of Rabindrasnageet actually did help a lot in getting to know the feel of music.

Rabindrasangeet/Baul/Indian Classical/Western Classical opened new doors for me, to a world which excited me and let me continue to explore deep within it, even after all these years and so just like little Alice, I too took a journey down the rabbit hole and the experience not only changed my life but made me who I am today!

"If music be the fruit of love, play on..."

I'm sad. I need to cry. Now.

I need to get out all the emotions that are currently bottled up tightly inside of me. I really don't know what(or is it how?) to feel anymore...There's a constant feeling of helplessness that lurks all around me. It's killing me, slow and steady.

My heart feels like stone, there is a sinking feeling in my stomach and my brain is torturing me on purpose by flashing random memories that are brimming my eyes with tears~of sadness and not of joy.

I hate feeling this way, i want to cry and more importantly, i want to end the pain that i am being subjected to mercilessly...
I hate this sinking and throbbing feeling of utter helplessness...

I need a hug, and some assurance that all will be well, is that too much to ask for?!

Terribly Flawed!

Though I've done a lot of awful things in life, deep down within, I STILL believe that I'm a good person.
So I spend hours in front of the mirror, paying very close attention to what I look like.
But you never seem to notice, am I THAT ugly?!

This Was Long Overdue.

I need to change the way I look, maybe sober down a little bit.
I need to change the way how I'm a rather liberal-thinker who is open to all new forms of experimentation and ideas.
I need to change how I perceive people and human relationships.
I need to change the way I look at myself in the mirror and dislike who I see.
I need to change my ambitions, which seem to be getting me nowhere.
I need to change my flawed existence.
I need to change the fact that I hate giving up hope.
I need to change how I believe in karma.
I need to change my way of treating religion indifferently.
I need to change most of the things about me.

I need to change.
But if I do, what will become of me? Will I ever be the same again?

Life

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I wish life were that easy...i wish i could rewind, back to the good old days of free sex, ganja and music~life was so easy and comforting back then. Its not like I'm unhappy with the way things are right now, it's just that when you've done all that there is to do and you know almost all that there is to know, life seems like a big let down once that period an extreme high gets over...
There seems to be nothing that I look forward to when i wake up every morning, nothing!

But honestly, its not the circumstances, its not the world, the problem lies in me, I'm the one who refuses to accept that phases come and go in one's life and so you cant afford to be hung up on one after it passes.
I need to accept these changes that have slowly and painfully creeped into my life and that there is nothing i can do but to live with it...
I HAVE TO move on.

Moving on is probably the hardest thing to do once you've accepted the fact and accepted who you really are and where you really belong, but the problem with me is that i really cant!
You can ask me to quit smoking and i probably will, but asking me to let go of all those memories-both good and bad is like asking the sun to shine and the world to stop revolving!

After being stripped off of all my self-confidence and robbed of all opportunities and happiness, my memories are all that i have that keep me from breaking down and doing something drastic to myself, i surely cat let go them now, can I?
Or rather, I WILL NOT!


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I wish life were this simple. Really!
I wish I wouldn't think so much and just let things fall into place on their own for a change.
I wish.
Too bad wishes hardly ever come true...

...

i keep clinging to our memories,
of all the good times we shared,
i keep holding on to you,
but you keep pushing me away...

i wave the white flag,
i want us to be friends once more
but you're so full of yourself,
yet you're so unsure...

Its always about you,
and your carnal desires,
you're nothing but a fake,
you're nothing but a liar...

i fuckin' hate you.
i fuckin' hate your guts.
i want to fuck you.
i want to fuckin' kill you!

school

On my way back home from school today, I realised how alone i really have been all this while. My life in school sucks. I hate it. I feel like i'm being punished for sins,i havent even committed, everyday. I hate school. why shouldnt I?

My low self esteem, my vulnerability and my inability to be happy, even momentarily have roots that all lead to the same source~school.

On the very first day, i was led into a pale yellow classroom by a face i had never seen before, she was my class teacher in Lower Infant. All others around me were crying, wailing and throwing fits, they wanted to go back home, the familiar place where somebody would constantly shower them with love and attention.
I did not cry though, not even once. But after all these years, i can finally understand what those little kids were going through and damn, i'm shedding the tears that they've shed, only i'm 13 years behind them.
I do not want to go to school.I want to go back home, and i say this after i reach a point, where i have to endure this torture for only less than year. But i've had enough, i REALLy cant take it anymore.

Do you want to why i hate my school so much?
For starters, I've never been appreciated or acknowledged,not even once, for my efforts. I know i am not a brilliant student, but does that mean that my talents in other spheres will not be taken into consideration at all?!
What the part that hurts the most is when you work your butt off, only to see that your rightfully earned reward is being given away to someone else~someone who clearly does not deserve it, someone inferior to you.

It hurts when you have a dream, you're really close to achieving it,you know for sure that you will, only to have it snatched away from you.
I have been feeling this way for so long that i've stopped dreaming altogether. I've let mediocrity set into me when i'm clearly capable of excellence.


I have been let down by my school in more ways than i could ever express.
I have been let down by my classmates, who have only used me for their own benefit.
I have been let down by the management, which has done more harm than good.
I have been let down by the teachers, who have never appreciated me.
I have been let down by the students, to who i was always an outcaste.
I have been let down.
I have been let down, but most of all, i have been let down by myself, for running for too long to seek the light at the end end of the tunnel, when there clearly isnt any!

Maybe its all my fault.
Maybe i expect too much.
The world is cruel, and school is a part of it.
Maybe i am not what i think i am.
Maybe i am the jack of all trades..but the master of none..its too late now..i can never be...all my youth wasted on something that clearly was not worth it...

Music: What it does to you.

Music. The very essence of life...well MY life atleast.
I like keeping myself entertained like a little kid by making up and playing stupid little games which turn out to be a good medium to express my feelings at times. So here's one:

I like to call the 'Song/Mind Reader' and is very easy to play, all you need is an mp3 player wit your music in it and some patience and insight. All you do is put your mp3 player on shuffle mode and note down the song that plays with the first thought that comes to your mind on listening to it. I'm feeling kindda upset right now, so i guess 10 songs later, I'll feels better ( or so i would like to believe)...so on my mark...get set...GO!!

I final rule: No Cheating!!!


1. Basketcase - Greenday: Its okay to be wierd. Its okay to be depressed and lifeless all the time. I'm not the only paraniod/retard/loser on earth, Billie Joe Armstrong actually makes me feel better about myself. Oh and another, the chord structure is rather tempting and the song makes me want to crank up the volume on my distortion and play it LOUD!


2. You Dont Know How It Feels - Tom Petty: heartache heartbreak. Defeat and humiliation. Fuck. Move on man. (or write inspirational stuff) I love Tom Petty, really!


3. Sparks - Coldplay: Magic...sheer magic this song...
Is this love or am i imagining it all?
I want to love you till i can love you no more.
I dont want to wake up, just lay here in your arms forever...counting stars above and dreaming of the future...
I love you, i always will...*sigh*
*repeats song*


4. My Sharona - The Ramones: Are you horny yet, or should i make you?! ;) I want to read/view hentai...ugghh, perverted me!!
Guitar solo to die for by the way..

5. Cryin' - Aerosmith: I want to dye my hair electric blue for my 18th birthday. It does not make much sense and neither is it relevant but still!


(enough for now, I'm feeling better already so i dont want to ruin it!)

And yes, guess which song did the trick...Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel!

:-X

This is a follow up to my previous poston male fantasies...ah well, since i cannot quite get cullen out of my mind, why not create another list?!

MY LIST OF REAL LIFE DROOL WORTHY KNIGHTS IN NOT-SO-SHINING ARMOUR
(strictly in random order) PART 1:

1.kurt cobain (duh!)
2.jim morrison (duh again!)
3.adam leveine in "She Will Be Loved"
4.travis barker (drummer, Blink 182)
5.heath ledger :'(
6.ryan phillipe (cruel intentions, need i say more?!)
7.john mayer (neon, aarrggghhh!)
8.ashton kutcher
9.gregory peck
10.anthony bourdain