Dignity

You're gonna badmouth me?

Tell them your dirty lies?

Baby, I'm a ronin,

I will survive.

Junkie

I get raped when I fall in love.
I get beaten.
Bruised.
I am left feeling abandoned when I fall in love.
Cheated on.
Hurt.
And yet I pick up the pieces and shake it off.
"I am a ronin"
I tell myself.
Perhaps things will change someday.
But they never do.

Live one more day.
Die a million deaths.
I can't control my depression anymore.
It's spiralling out of control.
I dream of death.
It makes me happy.
Maybe I'll be happy when I die.

There's no point living this shitty, loveless life anymore.
I don't even want love anymore, I want death.

Striped Socks, Reprise

My bed smells of him long after he's gone.
As do my pillows.
My sheets.
Sweet smell of intimacy.
And endless slumber.
But it's over now.
My heart is strangely broken.

My heart skips a beat,
The joys of waking up next to another soul.
So innocent, as he sleeps.
Unfamiliar lands don't seem like a scare.
Just a holiday.
Just a trip.

But he's gone.
So far away.
I try and forget his face.

Oh, the void.
Kills every time, with every guy.
Why haven't I gotten used to it already!

We frolic like children, without a care in the world.
His mouth open only slightly, as he orgasms.
I take a mental picture of his face.
For I want to remember.
His eyes.
His lips.
His beard.
His hands.
His torso.
I want to hold him forever, for some strange reason.

I kiss his face incessantly.
I want to fill him with so much love that all the dark in his heart goes away.
All his miseries.
Sorrows.
Fears.
Heartache and heartbreak.

I want to share my love.

For it spreads like a disease.

One I can't control.

We're lying on the floor
Looking up at the stars
So beautiful
I wish for the moment to never end
For it is pure perfection
Two souls coming together.
On a summer night.

He kisses me with careless abandon.
I want to keep kissing him forever.
We effortlessly slide into each other's arms.
Like veteran lovers.
Fitting so comfortably, like his striped socks.

Journey

Stretching out my arms to you,

But they only reach a certain distance.

It is up to you to you embrace me,

Open up to me,

There's nothing more I can do.

Than wait.

When I get tired of waiting, I will go away.

And never return. 

Lovers In Summer

I want to tear you apart.

Break down your walls.

High, like the Great Wall of China.

What causes you to be so scared?

I want to consume you.

Cell by cell.

Your love.

Your hate.

Your indifference.

I want it all.

We are all so broken.

Craving for some attention.

Like dogs,

But without their kindness.

Humans without hearts.

Cruel.

Villanous.

I dreamt of you last night,

Of our summer rendezvous. 

Bodies entwined.

Lips locked.

One.

Complete.

So vulnerable.

Goosebumps on my skin.

I swear to god I could have cried.

Even though I am emotionally bankrupt.

I've been conditioned to pain.

But I'll snap out of it soon.

Don't scar my face.

Don't scar my body.

Don't scar me, again.

Don't be like the others, please.

Gentle lover.

Gluing pieces of me back together with your kisses.

Make me feel like a woman, again.

For I am no longer a child.

I will survive, again.

For I am no longer afraid.

You can't break my heart if I don't give it to you.

Love is an elaborate lie.

It does not exist.

You've been duped.

As have I.

We're too old to play this game anymore.

Come to me.

Let me comfort you.

Chase your demons away.

I am here.

At your disposal.

Games People Play

We're rocking back and forth
Or would it be politically correct to say up and down instead?
I'm in you.
I'm into you.


My friends and I are snorting drugs in a kitchen.
We're wired and bouncing around like toys.
Wasted humans.
Human waste.


I like the way you look at me.
I know you want me.
You know I know.
Make a move already.


My friends and I are hatching our conspiracies.
We're going to take over the world one day.
Be my bitch.
Be my knight in shining armour.

My Own Nightmare

The past week has been excruciatingly painful owing to my personal crises. But my nightmare is over now. I feel blessed to have people in my life who I know will help me out every time I hit rock bottom. I couldn't ask for more, really.

I made a song I want to have sex to. It's quite aptly called 'I Am My Own Nightmare'. I figure I'll have to be a little bit stronger if I want to live this sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle. It is not for the faint-hearted.
The problem with being a girl in a man's world is that you eventually start thinking and acting like a dude without even realising it.
You say yes when someone asks if you want to snort some cocaine, you say yes when someone offers you a drink, you say yes when someone asks you if you're single. You say yes because you don't care about the consequences of your actions, you figure you'll deal with the shitstorm if and when it comes.

I am a badass, yes, but what if I don't want to be sometimes?

I want to remember the tiniest details of eventful days and nights. But I can't. I forget faces. I forget names. I want to hold back sometimes, dial down that crazy. This is what I have become.

Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.

Meaningless relationships, with people who love the idea of me, never me. I tried so hard but in the end I couldn't. It's humiliating to let someone treat me so badly for no reason. At what point did I become so deranged that I chose to continue fucking someone who'd done the cruelest things to me? It's not fair I pretend to be such a rockstar when in reality I'm just a little girl looking for some love.

But my last relationship with a guy taught me to change the way I look at love and affection. It doesn't even matter who I choose to fuck, I'm never going to find the things that I'm looking for, simply because my perfect man doesn't exist. At best I can hope for good sex once in a while.

I'm going to keep snorting all these drugs and seducing all these men and women. I WILL sleep with 30 year olds and possibly older ones. I don't care. I am evil incarnate. Someone broke my heart and now I have none.
I am not looking for love anymore. It doesn't exist.

I Am My Own Nightmare-Plastic Parvati

Misadventures/Athlete

He's like the hero in movies, the one all girls pine for.
What a pretty face.
One I can't forget.

He is a gentleman, or so he appears to be.
What can an athlete and a musician possibly have in common?
So much.
So much actually.

I am scared he will fall in love and I will break his heart.
So young.
So innocent.
I am scared I will ruin him for all women, forever.

I tend to do that sometimes, don't know how but I do.

His eyes twinkle when he laughs.
So adorable.
I wish I could wrap him up and take him home.
And then maybe wrap my legs around him eventually.

Will I see him again?
I can't make up my mind.

But I am scared.
I will ruin him for all women, forever.

Striped Socks

Striped socks on the floor

Endless flirtation 

Girl's gotta grow up at some point

Smoke a joint

Or maybe not

It doesn't really matter

We have to race against the clock

Striped socks on the floor

Along with my underwear

Calm down now

Tomorrow will be another story

Off and On

When someone takes your clothes off, piece by piece.
There's a fire burning in your lions.
You want him, more than anything in the world, you want him.

You kiss.
Your tongues find each other.
They dance.
Mate.
Connect.
Become one.

He holds you in his arms, you're in love.
All of a sudden.
Your guards drop.
You're naked and vulnerable in front of him.
The two of you know you want to make love.
For a change.
Probably your first time.
You want his love more than his hunger this time.
He treats you gently, doesn't reprimand you like the other times when you two've frolicked in public spaces, cars, rooftops, rooms etc etc.
He enters you without his guard on.
His heart is his dick.
So gentle, so loving, so satisfying.
You don't orgasm but you feel strangely ecstatic, like you're on drugs.
You feel whole for a fraction of a second and you want to hold on to that feeling forever.

You make endless and eternal love on an afternoon as the sunlight soaks in through the curtains. You're in his room, you want to be in his heart.
Hours seem like mere minutes.
The deed is done, you're back to wearing your clothes again.

Why must he tell you that he loves you when he doesn't.
He mistakes lust for love.
You mistake love for lust.
Game over.

Newfound Singlehood:Observations

1.  The ratio of man:woman at social gatherings is terrible. Even if you don't want it, you will find yourself chatting with more men than women.
2. At what point does a conversation become flirting? I am so terrible at flirting. I have the charm of a cockroach. It's sad and hilarious at the same time.
3. It is now very clear that I only pique the interest of 30 somethings and about-to-be 30 somethings. For me, it is scary because I still identify as a girl and not yet a woman. Like a game, I try and pick their brains, try to figure them out. It's exhausting though, they're tougher nuts to crack.
4. My options are endless but why can't I find a person I actually like and want to be with? I'm not compromising anymore, if you want me then you'll have to woo me, seduce me, possibly make me fall in love.
5. Nobody tells you how lonely it gets from time to time. You don't want to spend so much time choosing from available options, ultimately I'd like to hit it off with that one special person and be with them and only them. I wish I could function like a guy in these matters, I'd just fuck and forget. It's a lot more convenient that way.
6. I am totally crushing on a douchebag at the moment. Why, heart, why do you do this to me every time?
7. All these months of being single has made me realise that human beings are conceited, full of themselves and most of them are damaged beyond repair. I almost regret sticking my tongue down this one guy's throat who will just not stop talking about his ex girlfriends and lovers. OH MY GOD, IT IS THE WORST THING, to have to patiently listen to people go on and on and on about their sexual/romantic history. Why do grown-ass men do this!
8. Women are wicked. Stay away from them. DO NOT fall in love with another woman. DO NOT. Just don't, no good will come of it.

Done By None

The older I grow, the more I am sure that dating men isn't quite my thing. I love dick, but I hate the person it comes attached with, usually almost always. The last person I was in a relationship of sorts with, scarred me beyond repair and somehow it's not even about him, all men are like that. At least almost all the ones I have been with so far in life. I don't get men, I just don't understand the way they think and function. First they chase you, woo you only because they want to sleep with you. It's good initially and then they have this obsessive need to look around elsewhere. You can be a goddess in bed and yet your will find it hard to control his roving eye. Why? I don't get why sex is so important for men, sex without any connection, without any intimacy. I need to feel connected to the person I am having sex with, how can I have good sex otherwise? I probably won't even orgasm.
Why can't women orgasm as easily as men?

I have often dated people who I have been obviously too good for and yet it is they who have treated me like shit. It's a little absurd when I think of all the vile things people have done and said. But why? Why are men so cruel?
I'm done with men. All of them. I'm sick and tired of pining after guys only to have them crush my heart into pieces. I think I have been going about this all wrong. I need to find me a good woman with the same relationship goals as me.

Your loss, men of the world.
I could have been the best you've ever had, but you missed your chance.

Seasons Change

It's hard to wake up in the morning when you have depression. It's hard to focus on things, do something constructive.
There's a voice that tells me that it's not worth it, I'm not good enough and that I am going to waste away-nameless, faceless, without having done anything commendable with my life. Sometimes it's hard to shake that voice off and prove it wrong. So I stay in bed. I keep my eyes closed. I dream of a different life, a happier one.


Living with depression has taught me to be strong, but it becomes so incredibly tiring after a point of time. Years have passed, years will pass, but my depression does not go away. It has crawled so deep into my skin that I am afraid of letting it go. What if I lose my strength if my depression goes away?

I wait patiently for the mania to strike, I crave for it like an addict. I am ready to spend an infinite amount of time in pain for that one moment of euphoria. I am the worst kind of addict there is. Sometimes I wish my parents had in fact checked me into a rehab, instead of just contemplating. Maybe I would have turned out different then.

I am a little bit crazy.
But my soul is clean.
I wish someone would atleast try to get to know me.
Unfortunately, people fall in love too easily.