"I miss the girl I knew"
V and I had the strangest relationship. I met him when I was around 16 and after a summer of crushing on him and finally ending up cheating on my boyfriend with him, we became friends. But of the strange kind. We were never in a relationship but neither was our friendship platonic. He'd give the largest love-bites, sexy was the new cool. To make matters worse for me, he was such a darn good kisser. I swear to god I was addicted to kissing him. He was a drug I couldn't stop doing even though I knew he was really bad for me. His reputation as a casanova was set in stone and I knew I was just one of the many, like one of Sebastian's conquests from Cruel Intentions, but I didn't care. I figured that I wouldn't be young forever.
I was in high school for pete's sake, it was a crazy time for my hormones. They were quite out of control. This was also the time when I was going through a self-destructive phase when I felt dirty and used up from the rape. I figured I could sleep with whoever I wanted to, it's not like I was going to get abused again. Atleast now I knew what sex was like, atleast it would be consensual.
We'd fool around over the next couple of years, off and on but it never amounted to either of us falling in love with each other. I used to find him very attractive, but I could somehow never love him. Even though I was completely okay with his promiscuity, I couldn't get myself to settle down with him knowing his dick would still be in someone else's pussy every other day even with me in the picture.
When you're a young girl and starting to become aware of your sexuality, you are basically a kid in a candy shop. The possibilites are endless. It was the perfect definition of 'friends with benefiits' for us. But the older you grow, you realise that being someone's booty call or having a fuck buddy is rather degrading. It's impossible to separate infatuation from sex. At the end of the day, you need some romance in your life-it can't be about hardcore, no mercy fucking all the time.
Anyway, V and I gradually lost touch and never really hung out as friends once the sex stopped. It was strange how at one point I wanted him to want me, but he didn't.
He really wanted me much later after I disappeared from his life but by then I'd settled down like a domesticated cow and I wasn't going to give it up for him. I was happy being in a committed relationship with someone I was starting to set life goals with. At 18, when you're in love, it is the best feeling ever. You make all these completely ridiculous and impractical plans about the future with your partner even though the chances of them never working out are sky high.
V was always my sin. I'd always go back to him every time I wanted a quick and easy fuck, with no strings attached. He'd effortlessly fit into the parameters I had set for fuck buddies. We kept our lips sealed once the deed was done, it was a perfect arrangement.
I could go back to my old ways and sleep with him just to get all this energy off me, but at 23, I realise that the solution to a broken heart is not sex with someone you don't really care about. We've played this game over and over again as teenagers but it seems so silly the older you grow.
The problem lies with me. I've spent my entire adolescence not believing in romance, but things have changed post the debacle that was A. I want to believe in romance and I want to feel loved. I want someone in my life who will want me and only me, as I will want only him/her.
I'm losing my faith with men in general. I get every man usually wants to have sex wth me, that is why they flirt with me in the first place, but then what? Move on to someone else? What about me in that case? This arrangement has no returns for me, what do I get out of it, maybe mediocre sex at best.
When A and I started fucking, it was mad. We were all over each other, but during the last time with him at someone else's house, I realised that I couldn't do this to myself. I wouldn't do this to myself.
It's better to not have sex and be celibate than fuck someone who makes you feel like a whore.
V and I passed our expiry date years ago, I feel giddy when I think of all the fun things we've done. But then I also remember breaking someone's heart for him and ultimately paying the price for it for years after that.
When you're feeling down and out, defeated with life, it's nice to receive a message from someone saying that they miss you. But just because they miss you doesn't mean that you are obligated to respond. Sometimes you just have to let go and move on I guess.
At 1:23 am he said, "I miss the girl I knew" "Why don't we ever hang out anymore"
...baby, you're 5 years too late!
