This is pretty much the third time J's asked me out on a date, nothing fancy, just drinks perhaps. It's not even a date sort of a date, but I've been stalling it every time. He's incredibly attractive and quite the brains too. Almost too perfect, too good to be true.
I am so incredibly scared. What if we don't click? What if he doesn't like me? What if we run out of things to talk about? Will there be a second date if I were to accept?
I want to take it slow this time around, I don't want to drop my clothes right away, my guard with it.
We never talk about romance or anything romantic. He doesn't flirt, neither do I.
Is this how adults initiate something? A relationship or a friendship perhaps? I spend my day on my own, doing my things. But it's nice to have someone to talk to, about random things when I'm feeling lonely. Politics, sports, the economy, sociology etc etc.
The thought of fucking him doesn't cross my mind as much as having a deep, intellectual conversation with him does.
Am I growing up, into a woman? Isn't this how ladies behave? Random hookups don't excite me anymore, fooling around is for kids. I'm looking for something real this time. I want fidelity, I want security. I don't want steamy sex if it comes at the cost of feeling abandoned afterwards.
Being the child in a relationship has brought me a lot of pain and honestly it is all my fault because I have been making all the wrong choices. I pick someone who is completely wrong from the start, thinking I can change them, thinking my love will change them. But it almost never works. "Time is a flat circle" and people keep doing and redoing the same things over and over again, nobody ever changes.
I met someone the other day who reminded me of myself a year or so back. It's lovely when someone makes you dream of the glorious future, but I pray that she stays safe and he treats her right. A precious flower, hope he doesn't crush her and abandon her, like they've done to me. I want to tell her to be strong and brace herself incase she is thrown into a storm but I think she'll learn and grow on her own anyway.
I envy some people. Their lives are simple and they are happy. Stupid people are always happy because they don't think too much. I wish I could be stupid for a day, maybe I'd be happy too.
The initial stages of attraction are always the greatest. You know you're going to fall in love eventually, it's only a matter of time
But I'm going to be strong this time. I will toughen up by choice. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and having my heart crushed to bits.
I want to be with someone who loves me and treats me right. My demands are simple. But I'm not going to compromise this time around.
I deserve something great, if not the best. I didn't kiss all the frogs for nothing, get scarred by them.
