ugghh!

There was a boy who broke my heart into a million little pieces

and put every single piece back together,

the one who made me laugh and cry,

alternating like the weather...

There was a boy who clipped my wings and locked me up,

in his little heart-shaped cage,

letting me sink in my sea of tears

of love, misery and rage...

you're a free bird,

flying high in the sky,

there was never a start,

so can there ever be a goodbye?

Pari Hoon Main

(yes, this post is a direct influence of Suneeta Rao's song, titled the same...The song has been haunting me for a long time now, so here it goes...)

Feel my pulse,

can you hear how viciously my heart beats from within?

Look at me,

can you see the goosebumps on my skin?

I am a gift from God.

I am the angel of life.

From me you are born.

For me you survive.

Look into your heart,

does it cry out my name?

Look into my eyes,

can you see the camoflauged pain?

I am the illusion in your mind.

I am the reaper of death in this land.

Awaiting my fate,

that lies in your hand..

Na na mujhe chhoona na,

dur hi rehna

Pari hoon main.

Pari hoon main

Mujhe na chhoona,

Pari hoon main.

Early Birthday Present part II

(refer to the older post for the first 7...)

8. I don't just do things to be "cool"..but in reality, very honestly, I AM like that. Take the piercings for example, I got them because I am a sick twisted individual who enjoys gratification through pain. It makes me a masochist, but I don't really think that I give a fuck!

9. I don't have a fetish for porn. Contrary to what a lot of you may think, I am quite disgusted by it actually. However, I do have a crush on Jesse Santana, hence the overdose of gay porn clips in my hard disk!

10. I am a sucker for good lyrics. No I DON'T care how brilliant the solo is...give me good lyrics and I'll be addicted to the damn song forever.

11. I kiss and tell and I do it quite unabashedly.

12. I think I'm really in love with Edward Cullen. Damn you Stephenie Meyer!!!

13. Sometimes I really feel like running away and starting life afresh in some new place where people wouldn't judge me just because I am an open-minded person and do things my way.

14. I cried the day MJ died. I don't know why, but I did..

15. I am a procrastinator. The mere fact that this follow-up post took me so long to post speaks volumes of my procrastination, doesn't it?!

16. I started to appreciate Anthony Kiedis and RHCP AFTER I read his book. The funny thing is that I didn't even take any interest in it before I forced myself to start reading it. Whereas, I bought Clapton's autobiography on the same day, came back home and started to read it...but I haven't finished it till date!

17. The number of times that I have watched Fight Club, Requiem for A Dream and Cruel Intentions is scarily unhealthy, but I will continue to do so till some other better movies come my way!

18. Thank god this is over!!

Avoid. The Void.

I am convinced that I am going crazy, i.e, losing whatever little is left of mind with each passing day.

I look outside the window-it's raining. The monsoons would always make me happy earlier, but now they just remind me of how big a failure I really am.

Love.

It's always about the love.

The love that my parents never really gave me when I was a child.

The love that I could feel for them.

They love me and I love them now, but it's not the same. The damage has been done.

It's always about the love.

The love that my friends exchanged for jealousy and selfishness as we grew out of playing with dolls.

I can't love them or forgive them anymore. I'm not that big a saint.

It's always about the love.

The love that he promised to shower me with while he raped me. Repeatedly.

The unfulfilled love and the appreciation and the approval that haunts me till date.

The more I run away, the more they catch up with me...it's not about the sex and the drugs and the i-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude...there's more to me than that.

I am not all that strong, I just pretend to be.

Shielding my true-self from others makes me happy and at the same time, it also makes me feel secure. I'm safe from this cruel cruel cruel world when I am in my shell. No one can come close to me-I won't let them.

I hide in my shell so that nobody can neglect me..nobody can betray me...nobody can abuse me. Is that a very wrong thing to do?

My Girl...

I was hooked to her the minute she set her doe shaped eyes on me. If only I could tell her what was on my mind-I'd tel her that I'd forever treat her like a princess. All she had to do was to trust me..

I looked at her longer than than I should have that day, it landed me in trouble. But it also landed me in paradise.

We moved closer. The spot on her chin, rubbed my finger against it. I held her by the chin. I looked at her lips, which were drawing me closer to her.

I touched my lips with hers at first. She reciprocated. I felt her hair. I felt the excitement rise in her. She held me by my waist. We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

I nibbled her ear. I felt her caressing me. I kissed her neck. I felt goosebumps on my skin, she felt them too. She rubbed her hand over them. She felt the tension in my body rise.

We kissed.

We kissed.

We kissed some more.

Gentle as a doe...that's how I will always remember her...My girl..

*sigh*

The finish. The start.

The broken heart.

The broken home. The wasted youth.

The lie and the truth.

The pain and the bliss.

The first kiss.

The first. The last.

The present and the past.

Now. Here.

The lost, lonely tear.

That I fight alone.

With nobody to call my own.

I waste away in solitude...

the man who became the love of my life!

(my first merge...yes,all comments have been disabled in this blog, now you see why? :D)

(From The Journal)

Little Miss Bipolar, walking down the road.

You're the one I need,

Not because I love you, but because I'm bored.

I'm a beast.

I'm the queen.

On me you think you feast.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, sitting on the grass.

Tearing you with her eyes,

Till all that remains is your carcass.

I'm the lioness.

I'm the lamb.

I'm a mess.

But you should know better.

Little Miss Bipolar, naked to the bone.

Fuck me all you want

Cause after that you're on your own, alone.

I'm the dream.

I'm the nightmare.

-dark as a sunbeam

But you should know better!

She

she waits.

she waits for you to talk to her.

she waits for you to return her calls.

she waits for you to reply to her messages.

but you never do.

how much would a little appreciation hurt you?

she waits.

she waits at the dinner table.

she waits for you to take her out dancing.

she waits for you to open up to her.

each and every single day.

but beware my friend, one day she'll go away...

she's the love you can never replace.

she's the one whose face

you have contorted into a mess.

she's the angel without wings.

playing on her broken strings

the sweet song of happiness.

she used to wait for you.

she used to wait for you to run to her.

she used to wait for you to embrace her.

but you never did.

and now you're too late

to change your fate

of battling it out alone...

An Early Birthday Present

As you may, or may not know, I turn 18 on the 7th of August 2009, which happens to be less than two months away. So before I sink into depression at the thought of turning yet another year older and having done nothing worth mentioning so far, I have decided to confess. Yes, CONFESS 18 things that you bet you didn't not know about me....in fact things that even I, myself did not know about me!

(Yes, CBSE insists that we write all our answers in point form, so I am practising it here as well...)

1. I STILL like Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys, he was my first love and probably always be..i will never be able to get over him.

As a kid, I would collect their pictures/interviews/articles/CD jackets and all other materials related to them. I would then store them in a cute little folder, which remains one of my most prized possessions till date.

2. I am bisexual but sometimes I think that the truth is that I am just an overtly sexual person, if there was a third sex on earth, I'd probably be interested in them as well!

It's not really my fault, but since I did experience the act of physical love at a very young age (I prefer not to use the term "rape" cause I am still not too comfortable adjusting to the fact that I was a victim) I have always felt the need to be wanted, which I often fill with sex and physicality.

3. I may be tough and can handle immense physical pain, but I am a very emotional and sentimental person. The physical pain gratifies what I feel within. I often hurt/cut myself in order to "feel the pain in the body that I feel in my heart" (the quote is from the movie 'A Feast Of Love' which I found mesmerizing)

So all my piercings have a story behind them. So do all the scars that I hide under layers of pretentious clothing.

4. Okay this one may piss a lot of people off, but it is the truth. I have no real friends who I can count on when I need someone to stand by me, help me out in times of need. I SUCK when it comes to choosing the right people to be friends with. As a result of which I have retreated into my shell. I never show my true feelings and I never ever give away what's on my mind. It sucks when you realise that all along, people were just using you for their own selfish reasons. I have had my heart crushed too many damn times and I don't think I can ever recover from all the hurt and the pain that certain individuals have caused me. I swear to myself that I shall take revenge on them but somehow I can never bring myself to cause harm to others. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am a coward, but that's how I am.

5. I don't think that sex on the first date is too bad an idea if the vibes are right!

6. I love animals, of all kinds, shapes, sizes and temperaments. I had a dog but she died when I was pretty young, 10 years old I think. I'll never forget how I felt at that time. I love her. I miss her all the time.

I love cats too, when I was a kid, I would spend most of my time at my grandparents' house, which was filled with cats. My favourite one was Mr. Pootiram, I still remember those days when I'd go off to sleep in the afternoon and he quietly jump onto the bed and snuggle-in right beside me. I'd wake up to find him asleep in my arms. He would lick me all over my face and then give me slap with his paw. It was a rather funny way of expressing his was, but that's how he would go about it!

I also had a cat called Phyachang (meaning "fuss" in Bengali) who found me on my way back home one night. I christened him after I realised that he was no ordinary cat, his likes and dislikes were rather strong. Phyachang grew up in front of my eyes. he disappeared one fine day, I went crazy searching for him. I waited endlessly for him, but he never came back.

7.This sounds really geeky and abnormal, but I don't like cheating. Not in school, not in life, nowhere, under no circumstances. I know it makes me uncool, but I just can't get myself to cheat. Sure, I have done it a couple of times, but I have felt horribly guilty afterwards. I would much rather face the consequences for not putting in the required effort than be praised for something that I have achieved using unfair means.

(to be continued..)

...

For you I can die.

Or at least try.

I can wipe away your tears.

But I cannot love you.

For you I shall change.

Not be so strange.

I can help you fight your fears.

But I cannot love you.

What more do you want from me?

What more can I give you?

When The Insomnia Takes Over.

Today I shall post something. Something I shall post today. Post something today I shall. I shall post something today. Blah!Okay, here it goes. I got a tattoo, wanna see??

THE STENCIL

AND SO IT BEGINS

"Dude, not fair, this does not hurt.."

THE FINISHED PRODUCT.

It's 3:30 am in the morning, what else do you expect?!

Insomnia

I haven't been sleeping too well over the last couple of days. My nocturnal nature is slowly making way for insomnia. I cant sleep, no matter how hard I try. I don't want to sleep. It's like a disease that's draining me out. A disease which has been creeping in, slow and steady.

Watching Fight Club to solve my problems turned out to be a rather bad idea. Now, I am just some crazy-psychotic Tyler Durden fan. I mean c'mon, WHAT A FUCKING MOVIE MAN, WHAT A FUCKING AMAZING MOVIE, who the fuck can top THAT?!

But where I am right now is a lonely place. Except for the voice in my head which seems to be getting the better of me these days. Other than that, I am lost in my own forest, nobody can figure out where I am and how to get there. My counsellor tells me that at the end of the day, I am too much of a private person to enjoy being social and guess what, she's absolutely right. My perception of pleasure is fucked up. It's different from yours. I can never be like you, I'm too different and too indifferent to even try.

The results of my IQ test lies in front of me,something that my mother had tried really hard to keep away from me, but too bad, I'm more cunning than what she thinks I am.

It says that I have a score of fucking 129 (no shit!! :P), thus putting me in the category of "Intellectually Superior". In case you don't get how high it is, it's not high enough to get me into the MENSA right away, but let me tell you reader, it puts me towards the top, along with only 6.7% of the total population. Think you can beat that?

I take pride in my intellect. I value my intellect. But at the same time I never think twice before abusing it mercilessly!

Yay me? I think not.

It's always lonely on top.

Cigarettes. Coffee. And life.

But I wish there was more to it than that!

Love Is A Sad Sad Song

I drown.

In my pool of tears.

Of sweat.

Tears.

Semen.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

Don't look away.

Don't look at me.

I cry.

Myself to sleep.

Dreams.

Nightmares.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

I drown.

In my sea of sorrow.

Self pity.

Love.

Hate.

Indifference.

Why can't you see that this wont last forever?

There is no such thing as a happy ending....

Bisexuality.

I like kissing boys.

I like kissing girls too.

If you think that's gross then you shouldn't really be reading my blog now, should you?!

Anyway, here's a tribute to all those good times:

I like boys,

the way their touch gets my heart beating ten times faster,

the look that they have in their eyes when they want you.

their lust filled crooked smiles,

their aggression,

the way they always want to crush you,yet at the same time are afraid of hurting you,

they way they just are,

obsessing about boobs, beer and cars!

I like girls,

the way their hair falls on their face,

the way they act even more coy when they want you,

the way it makes me sigh in disbelief every time I kiss them,

their soft cheeks,

their smooth perfumed skin,

the way they are,

keeping their gaze on the ground yet aiming for the stars!

"Everybody's Changing/And I Don't Feel The Same..."

I find myself at that very junction which I had crossed a couple of years back. The junction which led me to where I am now. But unfortunately, I took the road that led me right back to where I had started from and now, I find myself in dark, on the brink of reliving all my mistakes again.

I was different back then...in the past. I tried to change. I tried to fit in. But I failed. I want go back now, but I find myself trapped in this maze. I cant see the light anymore. I can never get out.

It's sad how I get crushed every single time, like a dead dry forgotten leaf. It's sad how people change all of a sudden when you need them the most. It's sad how nothing ever works out. It's sad how happiness is a drug-it leaves one begging for more, it's addictive, it shows you all the things that you want to see, only to disappear in a flash.

I stand here at the crossroads, all alone. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to guide me. But what the hell, nobody seems to care. They've moved on. They don't care about me anymore. They're done using me, so why bother to lend me a hand?

THAT'S how I feel-used. 

To come to think of it, that is the way it has always been. I have been USED time and again by people, who I have fiercely tried to cling on to. THAT is the truth. Nobody gives a fuck after they're done using me. It's sad, but it's also the truth. But what is sadder is the fact that I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME. 

I am a stupid fuck. I am a loser with zero self-esteem. I am an emotionally unstable whore. I am a fucking bipolar bisexual scum on the face of this earth. I am the kind you would treat as a slave. I am a shallow bitch wallowing in self pity. 

Did you ever really love me or was it just a line to fuck me? Did I ever mean anything to you or was it just so that I would give you a blow job? Was I ever good enough for you or was I just someone you visited when you were bored? Did you even like me or was your motive only to exploit my innocence? Was I ever of any value to you or were you just exploring other possibilities cause your girlfriend wouldn't give in to your perverted sexual fantasies?

Do you even know my name or am I just some whore you go to for free?

I find myself all alone, but then again, this is probably my karma trying to get back at me for hurting the ones who have ever loved me truly.

Even if it that is the case, why isn't YOUR karma waking up to all those horrible things that you have done to me, all the pain that you have caused?

Why is it always me who cries herself to sleep while you go to bed with a smile on your face?

Why am I always the villain and not you?

Heartache

I.

It's always about me.

Who the fuck are you?

All I wanted was to love you.

But I broke your heart.

Into a million little pieces.

Right here, where I stand.

And now I know not what to do.

I cry myself to sleep. At night.

But waking up is harder.

The next morning, knowing that things wont get better.

Me.

I always think about myself first.

Not you.

All I wanted was to be with you.

But I bound you to me forever.

And now you cant break free.

Even if I wanted you to.

Duality.

My bipolarity seems to be reaching new levels. The two personalities that exist within me are the two opposites of human nature. 

One is the friendly, peaceful and the ordinary one-Suyasha. Suyasha is the facade that you see everyday. The mask that I wear under normal circumstances. Most people only get to see Suyasha and sooner or later, they are all convinced that I am not acting, I AM her. Sometimes I wish I could BE her and not just pretend. Life would have been a lot simpler then. But then again, it sure as hell wouldn't be any fun if the other persona did not exist-Vana.

Vana, forest; wild and savage...animalistic. THAT is the other me. Vana is also the 'nirvana' minus the 'nir'.  A good friend of mine who I was fucking a long time back, adopted the name 'nir' and named me 'vana'. As you may have guessed, we were both madly in love with Kurt Cobain and we still are and probably will always be.

Vana is the one who'll intimidate you. She'll bring you down. She is filled with passion. With pain. With suffering. With burdens she can no longer carry. She is dark and brooding, haunted by her the demons that mess with her head at all times. 

Suyasha is the one firmly rooted to the ground. Her rigid boundaries have been drawn for her and she seldom crosses them. She is humane. She is the one with morals. With ethics. But she's also the one who is too afraid to try new things for she fears that she may fail. She sits in her dark corner, too afraid to go out into the light because the sun may burn her.

Vana is the goddess you look up to. The daring one. The mighty one. The liberal one. The one who has fallen from grace too may times before. The one who has been used too many times. The one who is a fighter, but the one who secretly cries herself to sleep at night. The one who wallows in self-pity and in self-disgust.

Suyasha tries to shut Vana out. But only temporarily. Vana fights her way back in.

Vana tries to overpower Suyasha. She succeeds. Suyasha claws back in again.

It's a circle.

Of life and death.

Good and bad.

Yin and yang.

I am not perfect, I am not even close.

Neither is Suyasha.

Neither is Vana.

But they're trying hard. Very hard. 

They're messing with my head.

I am not schizophrenic.

Neither do I have a split personality.

I have a mind that likes to portray itself as two functional units, rather than as one entity.

Poor me? Nah, it adds variety to me life.

I know that there will be a day when this circle will come to a halt. I shall attain Moksh. Nirvana.

That will be the day...