Have No Shame

Have No Shame

Feed my endless narcissism,

so I can starve my demons.

You hear the stories, but you don't know what it's really like because you've experienced nothing. I can't say the same for myself because my wounds make me more whole than you'd imagine. The recent months have been strangely therapeutic, so many new places and faces have taught me about myself.

But I have my dark too, maybe I'll get better at camouflaging it the older I grow. Now, however, I'd like to think I'm invincible, even if it's for only a short while. No one gets to rain on my parade! 

I did a replay of all these memories collected from this year and I can't believe how unbelievable it has been overall. I've lost and I've found. It's all balanced, just like the universe. 

Let go,
so you can set me free.

No shame.
No inhibitions.

My youth is temporary,
Exploit it while you still can.

But I can't give you my heart unless you give me yours.

Vibrations

Everything ends when you go away, you're here now and will be gone before you know it. Maybe I'll find that connect with someone else, that energy, that vibration. For a species as competent in regeneration as us, I don't see why I will not be able to find another like you if I look for them with some honesty. Only now I know that it won't last forever, nothing is meant to last forever. That's just the way life works, the universe works.

We start out from a point, meet and then separate. If you place your life on a straight line, all these points that flow through you, make you whole. So many different memories, places, faces, emotions. They all come together, to help shape your soul. The signs are all out there. You need to introspect and be more receptive.

Why are we here?

Why am I here?

The male body perceives pleasure very differently from the female body. I've had lovers of both genders with whom I've shared many moments of ecstasy with. I can feel the energy they feel when they're in an extreme state of pleasure, where it almost borders on insanity. The idea of sharing that state of mind or help them get there is what brings me the most joy. So I try and mould myself into the best damn person I can be, for them to derive gratification from. 

On some days I have a good day and on some I let my demons take over and consume me whole.

But I'm trying, every day I'm trying.

Because in the end, I know, it will all be worth it.

Slowly unfold layer by layer,

See things for the way they are.

There is no right and wrong,

There are only choices.

Every step.

Every minute.

It all counts, I guess.

Call them out on their charades,

Don't participate.

Step back.

Go away.

Never come back.

Take your time, take all the time you need.

But make up your mind, 

Once and for all. 

Lover/Post Coitus

(Now)

This is clearly the strangest thing I've done, to meet someone I've barely fucked, at midnight, in a strage new city. But I guess with age comes a slight amount of wisdom. I feel like an adult, without the responsibilities and the nagging feeling of perpetual tiredness. 

Atleast I'm young.

Atleast I'm not too drunk.

Atleast I have nothing to be scared of... yet. 

Maybe we'll talk all night.

Maybe we'll fuck our brains out.

I don't know yet.

But he's charming, he's charming as fuck.

He's quite possibly my favourite older man so far. 

I don't know though.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

(Later) 

He's standing at the corner, smiling. It's always good to see your lover smiling.

"Was it an alright flight?"

"Yes, the usual"

We spend hours caressing each other, kissing. I feel like he's a male version of me. He wants to take it all in. I want to immerse myself in him.

We kiss, we talk, we fuck on loop.

It was everything I imagined it to be. So much more. 

And now I can't get him out of my head. Again.

12am In Bandra

It's only midnight,
but I am tired.
I've had a long day.
As much as I love this city, I don't see myself living here.
I'll always be an outsider, like everyone else.

I like living in the comfort of my bubble back home, soon I shall have a place of my own.
(Or maybe I should blow it all on travel when my charmant garçon finally gets here)
Adulthood is such a pain, I want to be a child forever and always.

I want to sleep till 2 tomorrow and wake and bake.
I want to dress nice and explore this town.
All these new faces, new places.
So much life, so little time.

Maybe I'll do it all.
Maybe I'll do nothing.
I'm young, no restraints.
This vagabond life is something I have craved for for a long time.
I want to do it all, experience it all.

If I take a step forward, in any direction, I'll still learn.
I'll live and I'll learn, from all my mistakes, I'll learn.
I need to stop telling myself I can't do it. I can. I can do it all.

But tomorrow is a new day.
The night is long, but distant at the moment.
If he comes tomorrow, I'll fuck him.
I'll fuck him good.

Netflix And Chill

What would be the Indian equivalent to Netflix and Chill, come over for some whiskey and a joint?

Dating becomes increasingly hard the older you grow. Pretty faces don't attract you anymore because by now you've worked out a formula for yourself: you can't have good sex if you're not connected to your partner, no matter how attractive looking they might be. 

So I find myself in his bedroom, on his bed, naked to the bone, being ravaged by him. It feels alright or maybe I don't have a conscience anymore.
But there's something very attractive about the way older guys handle themselves, they focus on your pleasure more than theirs. They've been around in the game longer than you have and so they've got some fancy tricks up their sleeves, just that gentlemen never mention the details. They know better than to kiss and tell.

I try to figure out his dynamics.
He slowly moves closer to me. Closer. Closer.

He asks me if he can kiss me. The moment has passed.

Consent is a strange thing. If you say it out loud then you ruin it and yet at the same time, if you don't ask, you always leave room for a mistake.
I try to find his quirks and I find nothing.
He's as gentle as he's assertive.

More 30 year olds! What am I doing here!

He brings out a bottle of single malt, it's probably older and fancier than I am. I tell him that, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am young, allowed to make my own mistakes. We talk for a long time. about life as an artiste. We're not much different, only our mediums are.
I escape my tiny bubble only to be a part of a slightly bigger one. It doesn't matter though, none of this matters.

We kiss for a long time.
He kisses me for the longest time.
He runs his hands down my body, exploring it for the first time.

I'm slightly stoned. Or maybe I'm very stoned.
I want to make love to this man. I want to feel him.
Sometimes I grab him like a man and sometimes I'm gentle as a woman.
I don't know which role I want to play with him.
I have the most intense urge to pleasure him as he pleasures me.
I try.
I can't see the expression on his face but I can gauge that he's enjoying it.

I run out of time, leave his house smelling of him, still feeling his tongue on my body and his taste in my mouth.
Maybe we'll see each other again. I don't know.
At this point, I've left it all to destiny.

Un Garçon Et Une Fille

Cynicism is temporary. 

Everything works out in the end, if you believe.

It feels nice to wake up to messages from someone who's occupying a lot of space in your head lately.

I see him after weeks, he looks as gorgeous as ever. I'm into him. He gives me them butterflies in my stomach. I'd like to think that if we ever made babies, they'd be beautiful. They'd inherit both our genes, a mixed race. But let's not get too carried away. Real life is not a daily soap. 

"You're so big"

No flattery, I'm genuinely surprised. 

"What"

"Never mind" 

I blush. 

French men make the best lovers. 

Well, the stereotype might just be quite true.

All Too Unreal

After the festival ended, everybody headed towards the backstage area. There was a staircase leading up to the exit. I took a few steps up and watched in wonder; the French guys had taken their instruments out and it was going to be a massive jam. The Maloya percussionists joined in. 

I stood and watched the strange culmination in wonder, I was blessed to be possibly the youngest soul there. I wanted to take it all in.

The lady at the catering made me a special concoction of local rhum with honey before that. She explained to me that it would be good for my throat as it was starting to get chilly. I downed it, she gave me another. I settled for the beers after that, figured I wouldn't be drinking any of those back home so I wanted to hold on to those peculiar tastes for as long as I could.

I wandered through the crowd. People kissed my cheeks and told me things I didn't understand, mostly good, judging by their expressions.

"Merci, meri beaucoup"

"Merci"

I wanted to stay there forever. 

People back home are strange, there is a sort of heirarchy that exists. The snobs have their own cliques, as do the wannabes. There is no mingling without ulterior motives. Everybody wants to be at the afterparty because it's cool. But no one's really having fun.

My band was lost in the crowd. No point looking for them, I'd find them eventually at the hotel in any case.

I mingled with the folks, sometimes having trouble following conversations and getting lost in translation. But it was a warm fuzzy feeling, to be there amongst them. They were celebrating music, celebrating life and not strategising monetary profits.

We played three very different venues this time around, each of them unique and quite surreal. If I had the choice to go back and live there, I probably would. 

I'd give up being a part of the rat race here and go live there in perfect mediocrity, normalcy.

Maybe I'd shack up with Papuche and A.

My french is still absolutely terrible. But He teaches me a new word or phrase every day. 

I'm off to Delhi for the weekend and honestly I'm not looking forward to it. There is no joy, no love there.

I find the city impersonal and the people pretentious, soulless. Definitely not all, but too many. I want to fast forward to Saturday when I go spend some time with my best friend. I need to update her about almost too many things this time around.

But my heart is stuck at A and my memories of him. I want to take off and set out on adventures, go completely off the grid when he gets here. 

I'm scared it might not work out though. I'm scared I may never see him again.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's quite depressing when I think about how things have gone wrong every time I have fallen in love. I'm almost too scared to fall in love anymore. But how can I not, this time around.

I thought he'd let go. I thought it would be over, but he hangs on, gives me hope.  Almost too much.

I get asked out on a date, I politely refuse. 

I no longer have the energy to have sex. I want to make love, sweet love, powerful love.

Crossing my heart, counting the days till he gets here. Like I said before, he makes me want to stay, this time around. I don't want to roll over to the other side of the bed and go to sleep, I want to be held like a partner, an equal.

Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for, maybe I won't.

It doesn't really matter though.

I feel like a woman, no longer the little girl that I used to be.. 

Magic and Sobriety

When the coke hits your system, you feel invincible.
The music's too loud but you don't care.
You feel like a gym rat. You don't have to use your head sometimes. It's okay to let go because you trust yourself not to do anything too stupid.

Sobriety is a strange feeling.

I want to walk barefoot on the grass, lie down under a tree perhaps. Read a book. Pet a dog. I
want to play with your hair and complain about how much I hate insects in general.
I want to sleep on your bed, with your arms around me.
I want to feel protected and vulnerable at the same time.
I want to sleep peacefully, like a child.
Hold me.
But don't hold me if you don't want to hold on to me.

My perspectives have changed a little too much, to the point where it feels disorienting almost.
My cravings are drastically different.
At times I have trouble accepting who I've become.
One act of grace, kindness and I'm so incredibly infatuated with the idea of you.

Are you real? Or are you someone I made up in my head?

Strong hands, holding me as I come down from my orgasm.
I've never been treated like this before.
I've had better. I've had many. But somehow everything feels different this time around.
It all makes sense now.
There is always a balance.
Like the way the universe functions.
Like my life, if you put in on a timeline.

Destiny.
You reap what you sow.
I've harvested seeds of love, implanted them time and again.
People have pieces of my heart as I have theirs.
I hope they'll keep it forever, I will.

Show me your ugly.
Show me your love.
Your soul reaches out to me.
I can feel you in my heart, my head.

Maybe I'll leave everything behind and take off with you.
Just like that.
Gone with the wind,
Like magic.

Muses and Musings

Thousands of miles away,
yet I feel so strangely drawn to you.

There's nothing left to do but sink deep.

into this vast ocean of self-loathing.

Why are you reaching out to me?

What do you want from me?

Are you starting to fall in love with me?

I'm scared.

My hardships have made me cruel.

I've promised to build a wall around my heart.

And you want to break them down with your compassion, your grace.

Why are you reaching out for me when I need someone the most? 

What could I possibly have to give to you but company?

Are you starting to fall in love with me?

I'm scared. I am too. 

Lead Me On

I hope you will read this one day,
someday,
one day.
Or maybe you never will.
But it is not in my hands to make you.

Maybe you'll never know how terrible, how terrible you once made me feel.
Because I'll give it some time and the pain will eventually go away.
But that is not the point.
You'll never know how terrible you made me feel.
And that saddens me, shakes all my beliefs from the core.

You're happy, you're content.
It isn't fair that you are.
I'm a child, I seek misery and endless melancholy for you.
Like you made me feel.
I am vengeful.
I am stubborn.
Make it go away!

And I pray, I pray so sincerely,
I pray he isn't like you.
So cold, so distant, so cruel.
He isn't, there is no comparison.
And yet I'm so scared, so terribly scared.
"what if I put myself out there and get hurt again?"

Look what you've done
You've made me so unsure of the world,
of myself!

It's so incredibly humiliating
and this world is so small.
I'm so ashamed of my desperation
and your indifference.
Never again.
Never again, I promise myself.

I think about you when I have nothing else to think about.
Feel bad about myself,
flawed,
ugly.
I feel like a freak,
deserving no warmth, no compassion.

Unprotected sex, a pregnancy scare.
You were gone, nowhere to be found.
Romancing your new girl.
And I had to deal with it all alone.
You made a whore of me.

Dirty whore.
Dirty fucking whore.
Dirty whore on smack.
You didn't care.
Not one bit.

I see you soar high.
It makes me angry.
I want to clip your wings.
Tell the whole world about your cruelty.

Maybe I will, I'm no Mother Teresa...

Conditioned To Hell

After the storm has passed, I want to come back home and talk to you.

Tell you about my day.

And you tell me yours.

I want to reminisce the time we spent together.

Plan new adventures.

I want to sleep at night with you beside me, in your arms.

I want to kiss.

I want to cuddle.

I don't want to disconnect post-coitus.

I want to stay.

Let our fingers magically entwine.

Tell me your dreams.

And I'll tell you some of mine.

Let me in.

Tell me everything.

Play me your favourite music.

Teach me your way of life.

Let's adapt to each other.

Everything, I want everything.

Like you are mine.

I want to trace the contours of your body till all of it is etched in my brain.

A permanent imprint.

I want you.

With every passing day, I want you.

I want you more and more.

It isn't right to be so cynical.

You tell me that I am beautiful.

Not once.

Not twice.

You remind me every day.

I don't want to run away anymore.

I want to stay, stay the night.

Stay in bed withyou and cuddle.

Talk about love, drugs and taxes maybe.

Who cares.

The only thing I want is to be with you. 

In your arms, forever.

Warpaint

Wounds still fresh, 

I emerge from the dark,

My scars are for the world to see.

I no longer have the energy to carefully hide my ugly.

Under the makeup.

Under the false sense of bravado.

Under meaningless chatter.

I am not okay.

Perhaps I shall never be.

I've cheated worse than death,

I've cheated my destiny. 

Electric Ladyland

You have to cut the cord when the ego becomes greater than the musicality.
No shame.
Disconnect.
Hibernate.
Hit refresh, start over again.

We're all human,
learning from our mistakes,
learning every day.
We grow.
We grow into our heroes,
We grow into our demons.
Repeat the process till it's time to make an exit.

Slay like a lion.
Love like a dog.
Trust like a child.
Rebel hearts should never be tamed.

The fire in my heart burns with feverish passion.
And I will spread it, like wildfire.
One soul at a time.
Infect the whole world with my magic.

Say my name.
Say it, say it again...

There's something electric about the way he touches me.
Discovers my body, my soul.
He kisses me tenderly.
On the mouth and then on my forehead.
My lover, my salvation.

His thrusts are gentle, yet firm.
On and on and on and on.
The music stops playing.
The show goes on still.
On and on and on.

Exorcising me of my demons,
My lover, my salvation.
The king on the throne, the keeper of my heart...

The National, Insomnia

'Little blue haired girl, out in the big city.
Past full of adventures, bags still packed.
It won't be long before you set out again.

Don't think about it.
Fast-forward, don't rewind.
Don't rewind.
It'll wreck you.'

" everything I love is on the table, everything I love is out to sea.."
I shut my eyes and all I can think of is that night of listening to Trouble Will Find Me, jacked up on the worst drugs, fighting the worst depression in years.
Give me death, I pleaded.
But life has no mercy for martyrs.

Dark faces, darker souls.
I don't want to be where I am.
"and if you want to see me cry, play Let It Be or Nevermind"

Don't rewind.
Never rewind.
Let go.
But I can't.

I'm strangely obsessed.
"I have faith but don't believe it"

One moment of beauty and everything becomes dark forever.
My bad drugs.
My humiliation.
My shame.

His dick.
My mouth.
His dick.
My body.
Our secret.
My cross to bear.

What if I am.
What if I am.
What do I do?
I can't keep it, I'm too young, still a child.
Or at least in my head I am.

Maybe if I shoot more up, it'll cause my body to reject it.
I am in denial.
I have been in denial for over two weeks now.
My friends are worried.
"I'm not alone, I'll never be. And to the bone, I'm evergreen."

Don't rewind.
Never rewind.
It's all in the past.
"Calm down, it's alright, keep my arms the rest of the night."

But fate is kind.
Yet I don't learn my lesson.
Such a strange loss.
The sigh of relief becomes a reason for heartache.
So alone, I deal with it bravely, all alone.

His dick.
His semen.
My cross to bear.

I wake up from the nightmare.
The drugs don't help, sobriety does.
I cry it out.
I cry it out.
It's okay. Everything's okay again.
Fast forward to tonight.
But I can't sleep.
My nightmares don't scare me, my past is scarier.

Drugs.
So many drugs.
Drugs that make me go crazy, drugs that make me sane.
"I'm tired, I'm freezing, I'm dumb"

I feel like a different person now, four months and many tears later.
I can never forget the sheer heartbreak though, the realisation of being all alone, fighting my battles.
It comes back.
The severe repercussions of being naive.
That's alright.
I've found my peace with myself.
It happened in strange lands, under strange circumstances.
The struggle seemed endless,
I made it through.
Lord, I made it through.
Never again.
Never ever again.

"When they ask what do I see, I say a bright white beautiful heaven hangin' over me..."

Cynicism and Sex

I picture the smirk on your face.

I know you're trying to understand what's on my mind,

Looking for a reaction.

Looking for comfort.

Looking for love.

As you thrust, sometimes slow and sometimes hard.

You're trying to figure out which one brings me most pleasure.

Because you've sensed how capable I am of strange familiarity. 

"I've never felt this way before."

Yes you have.

Yes you have.

Don't fall for it.

Don't fall for me. 

It will do you no good, it will do me no good.

I don't want to play games with you.

You're a kind soul.

It takes one to spot one.

I don't want to ruin you.

Oh, this endless self-pity.

Oh, this deep sense of mistrust.

When you're used and abused over and over again, you start to think maybe you're not worth anything at all. You have trouble coming to terms with the fact that someone really does find you beautiful, worth something. You have a hard time believing that there are no ulterior motives, you're not someone's temporary sex toy or someone's trophy for them to keep on the top shelf.

It's hard because your instincts are like that of a child. You trust unconditionally, even though your heart has been broken into countless pieces over and over again in the past

But I've always dreamt of you.

I've always believed that there will be a knight in shining armour who'll make me feel woman again someday.

Is that you?

Isn't that you?

Please don't be like the last one, a personification of all my worst fears.

You're not like the others. I know it, I just do.

I'm not asking you to love me, just be kind...

I'll be celibate till I meet you next.

Like losing my virginity all over again.

I'm yours, only yours...