Lovers In Summer

I want to tear you apart.

Break down your walls.

High, like the Great Wall of China.

What causes you to be so scared?

I want to consume you.

Cell by cell.

Your love.

Your hate.

Your indifference.

I want it all.

We are all so broken.

Craving for some attention.

Like dogs,

But without their kindness.

Humans without hearts.

Cruel.

Villanous.

I dreamt of you last night,

Of our summer rendezvous. 

Bodies entwined.

Lips locked.

One.

Complete.

So vulnerable.

Goosebumps on my skin.

I swear to god I could have cried.

Even though I am emotionally bankrupt.

I've been conditioned to pain.

But I'll snap out of it soon.

Don't scar my face.

Don't scar my body.

Don't scar me, again.

Don't be like the others, please.

Gentle lover.

Gluing pieces of me back together with your kisses.

Make me feel like a woman, again.

For I am no longer a child.

I will survive, again.

For I am no longer afraid.

You can't break my heart if I don't give it to you.

Love is an elaborate lie.

It does not exist.

You've been duped.

As have I.

We're too old to play this game anymore.

Come to me.

Let me comfort you.

Chase your demons away.

I am here.

At your disposal.

Games People Play

We're rocking back and forth
Or would it be politically correct to say up and down instead?
I'm in you.
I'm into you.


My friends and I are snorting drugs in a kitchen.
We're wired and bouncing around like toys.
Wasted humans.
Human waste.


I like the way you look at me.
I know you want me.
You know I know.
Make a move already.


My friends and I are hatching our conspiracies.
We're going to take over the world one day.
Be my bitch.
Be my knight in shining armour.

My Own Nightmare

The past week has been excruciatingly painful owing to my personal crises. But my nightmare is over now. I feel blessed to have people in my life who I know will help me out every time I hit rock bottom. I couldn't ask for more, really.

I made a song I want to have sex to. It's quite aptly called 'I Am My Own Nightmare'. I figure I'll have to be a little bit stronger if I want to live this sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle. It is not for the faint-hearted.
The problem with being a girl in a man's world is that you eventually start thinking and acting like a dude without even realising it.
You say yes when someone asks if you want to snort some cocaine, you say yes when someone offers you a drink, you say yes when someone asks you if you're single. You say yes because you don't care about the consequences of your actions, you figure you'll deal with the shitstorm if and when it comes.

I am a badass, yes, but what if I don't want to be sometimes?

I want to remember the tiniest details of eventful days and nights. But I can't. I forget faces. I forget names. I want to hold back sometimes, dial down that crazy. This is what I have become.

Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.

Meaningless relationships, with people who love the idea of me, never me. I tried so hard but in the end I couldn't. It's humiliating to let someone treat me so badly for no reason. At what point did I become so deranged that I chose to continue fucking someone who'd done the cruelest things to me? It's not fair I pretend to be such a rockstar when in reality I'm just a little girl looking for some love.

But my last relationship with a guy taught me to change the way I look at love and affection. It doesn't even matter who I choose to fuck, I'm never going to find the things that I'm looking for, simply because my perfect man doesn't exist. At best I can hope for good sex once in a while.

I'm going to keep snorting all these drugs and seducing all these men and women. I WILL sleep with 30 year olds and possibly older ones. I don't care. I am evil incarnate. Someone broke my heart and now I have none.
I am not looking for love anymore. It doesn't exist.

I Am My Own Nightmare-Plastic Parvati

If

If I told you it was yours,
would you make me keep it?
would you force me to keep it?

Would you believe me,
would you trust me,
if I told you it was yours?

If I told you it was yours,
would you love me?
would you console me?

Would you hold me?
Tell me that all will be okay?
It is you I need the most.

If I told you it was yours,
would you accept it?
would you at least try to be by my side?

I am scared.
I am hoping it isn't what I think it is.
I wish you loved me. I wish we were in love.
But that's okay I guess, accidents happen sometimes.

I will deal with this on my own.
I will deal with this on my own.
It is my cross to bear.
You will never even know.

Rain Fall Down

You can never win if your heart is not pure.
Stop playing victim in situations you aren't.
You're the villain, you stupid boy.
You're the villain of your stories.


I know when someone else makes love to you, you'll be thinking of me.
My body.
My heart.
My head.
My sex.
Your hands on my back.
My hand on your dick.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

You can woo all the people in the world.
But they'll never love you like I did.
You can put your dick in her face
Her hands
Her vagina
And yet she can never be me.


It's just a matter of a good fuck.
You won't get it though.
I dare you, I double dare you.

I will haunt you for as long as I live
Eat away at your conscience
Reminding you of your ugliness every time you touch someone else.
I dare you to get my sex out of your head.
I double dare you.

And as for me, I'm trying to be an adult.
You know I don't kiss and tell.
I have my flaws, but I am invincible.
I have been through your hell.

No Sleep For The Wicked

I see them swarm like bees around honey,

Thirsty eyes,

Thirstier souls. 

"But baby, 

I don't do em boys your age no more"

Deepest Scars

The start of something, anything is always beautiful. It could be a song, it could be a new project or heck, it could even be the initial stages of a friendship. 

I wonder what my life will be like when I'm 30ish. I've always imagined it'll be a rainy afternoon lying around with my lover perhaps, reading a book, listening to a jazz record. Perhaps slightly stoned. Perhaps very content, not necessarily happy, but content.

What to do, girl's gotta have some dreams right? 

Misadventures/Athlete

He's like the hero in movies, the one all girls pine for.
What a pretty face.
One I can't forget.

He is a gentleman, or so he appears to be.
What can an athlete and a musician possibly have in common?
So much.
So much actually.

I am scared he will fall in love and I will break his heart.
So young.
So innocent.
I am scared I will ruin him for all women, forever.

I tend to do that sometimes, don't know how but I do.

His eyes twinkle when he laughs.
So adorable.
I wish I could wrap him up and take him home.
And then maybe wrap my legs around him eventually.

Will I see him again?
I can't make up my mind.

But I am scared.
I will ruin him for all women, forever.

Striped Socks

Striped socks on the floor

Endless flirtation 

Girl's gotta grow up at some point

Smoke a joint

Or maybe not

It doesn't really matter

We have to race against the clock

Striped socks on the floor

Along with my underwear

Calm down now

Tomorrow will be another story

Verbal Vomit

Am I talking too fast?

Am I staring too hard?

Please don't judge me,

I only want to kiss you, a little more perhaps.

Am I spacing out too much?

Am I too involved?

Please don't hate me,

I only want to love you. 

Boy v/s Man

I'm infatuated with you, why can't you understand. I think about you when I have nothing else to think about. Think of me too sometimes, please. Or I'll end up giving my still broken heart to someone else.

We're all so lonely, looking for some company. We crave for someone to wake up next to, not always but once in a while maybe. Someone to share and over-share with. 

Isn't it the best feeling, to not go to bed with a broken heart and wake up with a smile? Knowing that someone cares very deeply for you. 

But you're not the one. 

You're not the one I've been looking for.

It's alright though.

I give up.

I can't spend my life chasing after you.

He's new.

Brand new and shiny.

With the face of an angel.

He wants to know me, pick my brain.

The feeling is mutual.

Maybe I'm a bad person for humoring him because I can't have you.

But what do I do?

I'm lonely too.

Simplicity.

Innocence.

Humility.

It'll only be a matter of time I will fall deeply in love.

I thought I'd be you.

I was wrong. 

Lover Of Lovers

I still think about you sometimes.

I wonder if you think about me too.

Do you love me still?

What if I said I love you, too.

But I'll never come back to you.

You pushed me away, threw me out.

I can't return to you anymore.

All the lies and slander.

Your desperation.

Your infidelity.

So many good things, too many bad.

Sex.

So much sex.

Oral.

Anal.

Top.

Bottom.

Left.

Right.

Side.

Upfront.

Standing.

Sitting

Lying down.

Bending forward.

Bending back.

Bondage.

Submission.

Role-play.

Or plain vanilla sex.

A rush, everytime. 

Do you remember the first million times we kissed? Under the moonlight, not a soul around. 

One could make a movie out of our lives.

But so much violence, so much pain

I didn't mind how you'd handle my body.

Paint your pictures.

Mark your territory.

Kiss every inch of it.

It felt like you worshipped my body sometimes.

It felt like I knew every inch of your skin.

Strange familiarity.

You knew my kinks and I knew yours.

Our deepest fantasies, our biggest dreams.

Was it even real what we had or was it just the drugs?

It makes me sad to think that you'd probably try and recreate what we had with someone new, as will I someday.

It makes me lose hope in the concept of "love".

Maybe I wasn't all that fantastic.

Maybe we didn't really have a connection that goes beyond words, it was probably a little fantasy I had conjured in my head.

My heart refuses to let go, make room for someone new.

They won't fuck me like you did.

They won't fuck me like you do.

Off and On

When someone takes your clothes off, piece by piece.
There's a fire burning in your lions.
You want him, more than anything in the world, you want him.

You kiss.
Your tongues find each other.
They dance.
Mate.
Connect.
Become one.

He holds you in his arms, you're in love.
All of a sudden.
Your guards drop.
You're naked and vulnerable in front of him.
The two of you know you want to make love.
For a change.
Probably your first time.
You want his love more than his hunger this time.
He treats you gently, doesn't reprimand you like the other times when you two've frolicked in public spaces, cars, rooftops, rooms etc etc.
He enters you without his guard on.
His heart is his dick.
So gentle, so loving, so satisfying.
You don't orgasm but you feel strangely ecstatic, like you're on drugs.
You feel whole for a fraction of a second and you want to hold on to that feeling forever.

You make endless and eternal love on an afternoon as the sunlight soaks in through the curtains. You're in his room, you want to be in his heart.
Hours seem like mere minutes.
The deed is done, you're back to wearing your clothes again.

Why must he tell you that he loves you when he doesn't.
He mistakes lust for love.
You mistake love for lust.
Game over.

Newfound Singlehood:Observations

1.  The ratio of man:woman at social gatherings is terrible. Even if you don't want it, you will find yourself chatting with more men than women.
2. At what point does a conversation become flirting? I am so terrible at flirting. I have the charm of a cockroach. It's sad and hilarious at the same time.
3. It is now very clear that I only pique the interest of 30 somethings and about-to-be 30 somethings. For me, it is scary because I still identify as a girl and not yet a woman. Like a game, I try and pick their brains, try to figure them out. It's exhausting though, they're tougher nuts to crack.
4. My options are endless but why can't I find a person I actually like and want to be with? I'm not compromising anymore, if you want me then you'll have to woo me, seduce me, possibly make me fall in love.
5. Nobody tells you how lonely it gets from time to time. You don't want to spend so much time choosing from available options, ultimately I'd like to hit it off with that one special person and be with them and only them. I wish I could function like a guy in these matters, I'd just fuck and forget. It's a lot more convenient that way.
6. I am totally crushing on a douchebag at the moment. Why, heart, why do you do this to me every time?
7. All these months of being single has made me realise that human beings are conceited, full of themselves and most of them are damaged beyond repair. I almost regret sticking my tongue down this one guy's throat who will just not stop talking about his ex girlfriends and lovers. OH MY GOD, IT IS THE WORST THING, to have to patiently listen to people go on and on and on about their sexual/romantic history. Why do grown-ass men do this!
8. Women are wicked. Stay away from them. DO NOT fall in love with another woman. DO NOT. Just don't, no good will come of it.

Deepest Wounds

I'd rather take a knife to my stomach than your cruel words.

Your lies.

Your beliefs.

Your self-obsession.

I'd rather get punched in the face, kicked, slapped, bruised.

Like I have been so many times before by men, boys, monsters etc.

This superficiality around me makes me so sad.

Nobody cares.

Nobody loves.

Nobody lives.

Nobody believes. 

It's unfair that I feel all these feelings so deeply and most people don't.

It's not a fucking superpower, it is a curse.

Over the years, I've learnt to abandon my firm belief in the fact that someone will come and rescue me from my endless tragedies. Someone will love me slightly more than I love them, for a change. Someone will fix all these holes in my heart, if nothing else. 

Disney movies, however, are not real. Real life is cruel. People are cruel. I can't fathom why, but they are. I guess everybody is too involved with themselves to care about anybody else. It's incredibly heartbreaking.

Sometimes I wish I could physically feel all of this pain instead of this sinking feeling in my stomach.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

Of being this cheerful.

Like nothing is wrong.

When in my head I've devised a million ways to kill myself.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die, please, universe.

I don't want anything.

I just want to die.

Note To Younger Self

Dear me,

Thank you for holding on, despite all the tragedies you've had to undergo. There are things which you probably should have done and things that you shouldn't have. But that's okay. Life goes on.

Love

Slightly Older and Wiser Me

Broken Social Scene

I don't need tinder 

I don't need facebook

I don't need the internet to find you

I'll find you in real life. 

You exist.

I've passed you so many times before.

Maybe we've glanced at each other.

You holding someone.

Me with someone else.

You exist.

I know you do.

You could be the one I've kissed while drunk.

You could be the one I've kissed completely sober. 

Out there in your world, I hope you think of me too. 

I hope you feel as deeply as I do.

I exist.

Only for you. 

Deep down I am a junkie. I get addicted to all sorts of things, activities, people etc etc. But I abandon my habit one fine day, just like that. I've been like that for years now. With time I have learnt to channelise my addiction to constructive things. Lately it's been working out. I am dying to get back in shape, be flexible like a freak because I want to have sex with someone, let him see me naked. It's exciting, my motivation. It's quite effective too. I mark my workouts on my calendar, went shopping for sexy fitness wear to wear during my workouts and what not.

It's taken me a long time but I've learnt to love myself, give myself some credit for pulling off the stunts of my past.

It feels almost comical to remind myself of my dendrite days, I'd like to think I've come a long way since.

But man o man, I was so incredibly addicted to dendrite. The first time I got high on dendrite was when I was at home one day. That was the first time I heard or one of the first times that I heard, In Utero. It was dreamlike. It was surreal, scary, grotesque and yet so comforting.

I've changed a lot since. I really have. Sometimes I can't relate to the person I was when I was 15/16. Why did I do the things I did, to get here, where I am today? 

My only addiction that still remains is probably dick. I went through a phase where I wanted Mister Mystery's dick inside of me 24/7. I never wanted him to pull out, for us to stop. It was a strange kind of addition. I almost relapsed into something similar with A. But dick is like heroin. It slowly kills you, sucks the life out of you in exchange of endless pleasure. 

Orgams.

I'm an orgasm junkie.

"I think I'm dumb. Or maybe just happy"