You Get Wiser As You Grow Older

It's always a good idea to record thoughts, events and feelings on paper. Once in a while, when you read your journal entries from the past, they remind you that you have, in fact, been taking all the right decisions.

The decision to deal with the trauma of rape instead of letting the shame and the agony scar you for life.

The decision to love again.

The decision to get rid of people who don't really give a fuck about you from your life.

The decision to start dreaming again.

The decision to make your dreams come true, one small step at a time.

And lastly, the decision to not give up your search until you have found your knight in shining armor.

(In my case, however, the knight found me and not the other way round!)

The Stoner

The pretty purple pills

That I take to go to sleep

Make me want to kill you

Make me want to weep.

I bury my head under a pillow.

Stifling the horrid moan.

My body wants me to stop.

But my mind asks me to get stoned.

So I take just one puff.

Let the smoke fill my head.

Then I take one more.

And my head feels like lead.

I meet some old friends.

And make some new ones too.

They save me from ennui

When they come to my rescue.

But time is my worst nightmare.

It ends my grand trip.

My dreams fall right apart.

As it cracks it's whip.

So I go back to bed.

Unwillingly wake up the next day.

The circus begins yet again.

I'm just a stoner. Okay?

The Journey

The road seemed long and winding.

The wind blew hard and cold.

Another day was to begin.

Another story was to unfold.

I walked straight ahead.

For so many a day and night.

Never to stop and rest.

only following that one ray of light.

The light vanished one day.

I was lost and I was confused.

So I changed my path

And walked on unbruised.

I took a long, deep breath.

Summoned the gods.

Asked for the strength to carry on.

Against the tides, against the odds.

I put my hands into my pocket.

And walked on for a mile or two.

The ray of light flickered again.

That's when I met you.

My journey thus came to an end.

And that's when I knew.

I found love.

When I found you.

My end of semester examinations (dreadfully dubbed as "end sems") start from Monday and here I am, unprepared, disinterested, lethargic yet scared stiff.

But atleast I made a pretty picture, here, see:

(click to enlarge)

How Much Worse Will It Get?

The truth is I don't know where I am anymore. I've lost track of myself. I cannot quite trace who I am, or rather, who I used to be.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

I used to be strong, so strong.

So brave.

Such a fighter.

I'm just lonely as hell now.

There's so much that I'd like to say, but who has the time to listen these days?

Everybody's busy.

Everybody is doing their own thing.

Living their own life.

I'm the only one living a lie.

But I guess I'm partially at fault too. I've been making all the wrong choices over and over again...

Stop.

Rewind.

If only it were that easy...

I Don't Like The Bitch You're Dating!

A sleepless boy.

His radioactive toy.

Bringing him joy.

As the girl dies a violent death.

The chap is nice.

Full of spice.

Cold as ice,

his girlfriend's a whore..

I miss being unconditionally happy.

You know, when you're just happy.

Carefree.

There's a soft, sweet wind blowing.

On an otherwise hot summer night.

You take a moment off.

And just breathe.

Value your life.

Smile to yourself, think of all the things you have.

Be reassured.

Be content.

Go back to sleep again, with that smile intact.

Ordered Disorder

There's something missing from my life right now. I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Or for that matter, I don't feel like doing anything that is somehow associated with a routine.

It's like a mutiny. Against myself.

I don't know what it is about me that makes people love me yet take me for granted all the time. Everybody's doing it. Be it consciously or subconsciously, they put me on this pedestal, like I'm never going to let them down, forever be perfect, be there by their side.

While it's quite flattering to think that most people close to me feel that way, it's also quite heartbreaking to think that I do almost all the things that I do expecting nothing in return. I know for a fact that it's a selfish world and everybody's just concerned about their needs. They have better things to do about worry about someone.

So where does that put me?

I don't know, really.

I love. I give. I do things. Without expecting anything in return. I don't do it because it's the right thing to do, but that's just the way I am.

But right now, I'm just a little sad. I don't think anybody really cares.

No, this is not a random self-pity injected post.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Not because I'm upset or happy or any of those things, I'm just very very disillusioned.

Let's face it, I've never been very good with people-to-people relationships, I've never known where to draw the line and protect myself from the big bad world. I guess I'll never learn.

You see, I still think of that day sometimes. I wonder if things would still be the same if I hadn't encountered that day. Would I be better at this? Would it be less painful every time somebody/something broke my heart?

I guess I'll never know...

The time has come for me to choose.

Do I want to be a musician or do I want to be a rockstar?

The Ganesh Talkies

These are a few excerpts from our very first "photoshoot". Ganesh Talkies is not just my band, it's more like my baby.

Please 'like' us on facebook! :)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Ganesh-Talkies/166092616748588?v=wall

Coma Grey

(heavily influenced by/tribute to Marilyn Manson's 'Coma Black' and 'Coma White')

She popped her pill

And closed her eyes

Shut her ears.

And abandoned all the lies

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be

She was trapped in herself, for an eternity.

She scratched her skin

Just to feel it bleed.

Like vermin breeding

from her seed

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no on she could be.

Her despair hung from the sky, like a canopy.

She smelt of decay.

She smelt of death.

Sinking into oblivion

with every breath.

There was nowhere she could go.

There was no one she could be.

For she lay buried under a nameless chestnut tree...

Exit.

Insecurities have been creeping up on me lately. I'm starting to question my capabilities.

And my abilities.

And I'm often asking myself if I'm good enough these days.

It's really scary.

I would like to think of myself as a confident person, but lately everything's been going horribly wrong. My self-confidence is at an all time low. I feel like I deserve more love and more affection than I'm getting from the people around me. I wish people would be happy for me for a change and not try to bring me down at all times like they do.

No matter how hard I try, I reach a plateau where I feel like I can never be good enough and so instead of rising to the challenge, I merely choose to run away.

I can't help it.

That's how/who I am.

My body is craving for a high. Any high. Just to escape, yet again...

I wonder what it is about me that intimidates other women or makes them HATE me so much!

:|

The Rain Song

I've been listening to a lot of stuff that I would in the past, which I think helped in shaping me the way I am today. It's been a long time, but Nirvana, The Doors, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Radiohead, Soundgarden and Coldplay (I'm sure I've missed a few bands!) will ALWAYS occupy a very special place in my heart...

(if you don't think this is beautiful, then my friend, you are incapable of understanding music and love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4v-_p5dU34

Lameting The Loss of Good Music

I've been writing lately. A LOT, all in the pursuit of trying to make some nice clean original music. But the music scene in the city is starting to frustrate me a little. Over this past one year, I've discovered that there are different levels that exist in the music circuit in the city.

• The BIG names and the BIG gig bands
• The almost BIG names and the almost BIG gig bands.
• The regular gig bands.
• The genius but un-commercial and un-interested bands
• The bands that are worshipped by the mass
• The bands that are worshipped by the class
• The wannabe-s

Now the levels don't really allow much change and most categories remain the same forever. But recently, I've been going to watch some of the competitions that take place at round this time of the year and I've faced nothing but heartbreak so far.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE GOOD BANDS???

I see around me not musicians or people who're trying to get there. I see around me just some brainless/musicality-less pompous assholes who know not the slightest thing about music. Their arrogance shocks me, really. They think no end of themselves and just because they win a competition they think that they're great.

WAKE UP!!

The only reason why you're winning is because you're competing against equally bad, if not worse outfits (I refuse to call them musicians/bands...sorry!) Same time, last year, you wouldn't even dare to take part in these events and even if you did, you probably got raped by the brilliant musicians (who seem to have gone into hiding this year!)...so don't think we're stupid. I lion is the king of the jungle because of his superiority, not because there are only mice and ants around and he the lone powerful one.

Ideally, I shouldn't really let it get to me, because I've never been a part of the competition circuit, I jumped straight to That Place Else's A-circle and haven't looked back since. But every time I open facebook, and see how pigs these days are flying, it REALLY does irritate and frustrate me, to the point where I'm contemplating the formation of a new project with a few close friends just to show these retards what making good music is really about.

*sigh*

It's like Kalyug (the age of chaos in Hindu mythology)...we need a saviour. Somebody like Nishchay Parekh, (woohoo, I actually took a really real name!), will you please do the honours and save the world?

Sometimes I wish I were a boy.

That way, obese mustached men old enough to be my father wouldn't molest me in public transport.

That way, I'd be able to dress up the way I want to without having to hear catcalls from random eve-teasers in the streets.

That way, nobody would randomly comment on my body on the road.

That way, nobody would make me feel insecure about myself.

And break my self-confidence into a million pieces.

That way, nobody would look me funny if I walked into a bar and ordered a drink just by myself.

That way I wouldn't have to worry about coming back home alone after dark without getting groped.

That way, nobody would touch me.

That way, nobody would grope me.

That way, nobody would molest me.

That way, nobody would rape me...

That way, everyday wouldn't be a challenge like it is now in order to protect whatever is left of my honour..

I Need To Start Naming My Posts Again.

It's raining.

My body (or maybe just my mind?) is craving for a high.

I have been listening to Nirvana for about 3 hours now, continuously!

*screams*

(besides, this is what I look like when I'm high. NOT FUNNY, aint it?)

I've pictured a meeting with the monster a 100 times in my head. What if I meet him on the road one day...gloat about how happy I am these days and how it's actually all because of the fact that I encountered him 7 years ago or just pretend like I can't remember (at all) who he is and just let it go as if nothing happened?

I will never know.

I DO NOT believe in such chance encounters. Everything does happen for a reason. My life has found new meaning. Nothing/ no one could change that!