A Rather Late "Happy New Year" Type Post!

I'm becoming increasingly inconsistent with this whole blogging business, so shame on me...but i godpromiss, I'll try and be slightly more sincere this year.

:)

Happy new year!!


This post was initially meant for some negative feedback about me and my blog but halfway through the initial post, I changed my mind and hit that backspace button.
I don't need this right now.

Though momentarily, but I AM happy right now. Things are going well on the music front (I try to keep myself rooted to the ground and not get swayed by the nice stuff that people say, but the fact remains that I AM the youngest performer at Somep to hit the stage regularly and I DO see myself going somewhere, so HAH!)

Also things are pretty smooth with my guy, though we have the worst fights that leave me with a wet pillow the morning after from all the tears throughout the night. But at the end of the day, we both know that they only make us stronger as a "team" as he would put it. And so, after all the shit has been sorted out, it's that look in his eyes that tells me that he loves me and that things are going to be just fine as long as we believe in each other. Sometimes, when you lie next to a person, holding each other tight, time stands still for you and memories are created-memories that'll last you a lifetime, memories of love, memories that'll remind you that there are moments which can be perfect, simple moments, nothing fancy...but perfect. It's during such moments that you realise how beautiful love really is and why it has driven humans crazy year after year. Love is like the elixir of life...Life is love. Love is life and that's probably the beauty of it!

Last year and the starting of this one has made me realize how incredibly emotional i can be though I may not express it and also how I make an impact of people without even realising it. Halfway into '09 i felt like my life support had been taken away when i had to part ways with a few of my best friends and my loved ones. I thought that I'd be shattered, my life is a strange experience. An experience full of strange surprises. Instead of wasting away, I managed to muster the courage to rise like the phoenix. I don't know what the inspiration behind it was, probably the fact that i HAVE dealt with so much shit already that all this seems pretty trivial now.

School's over, though unofficially....I don't think I'll miss it much. I loved the whole concept of school life and all the camaraderie with my friends and seniors but looking back, school's probably been one big reason why i suffer from these random frequent bouts of depression. (i AM a certified bipolar smartass but as my shrink would put it, school played a huge role in aggravating all those pendulum like mood swings from extreme euphoria to depression.) So if I had to sum up my 14 years in Ashok (read Osoka)Hall, I'd put it this way-it was quite an experience alright, but given an option, I'd never want to go back again. Mind you, I am not being ungrateful or a hypocrite, all I'd like to say is that if I am a successful person tomorrow, I'd give a few of my teachers the credit, but not to the school. School is essentially where my potential got murdered every single day.

So right now I'm at a strangely fascinating juncture, the newness draws me closer to the forbidden apple, but I guess I'll never know what it tastes like because I'm too sane to throw all of this away.

Happy new year readers, oh wait, I said that already, didn't I?!

She's so fucking PerFect.
She's so very fine.
She's the one for you.
She's always on your mind.


If you love her so,
why don't you let me go?

My New Boyfriend.

I'm walking down this street
Alone in the cold
My head hangs in shame
But do you really care?
Do you even know my name?

I stand exposed
To the world, to myself
My head hung low in shame
But do you even care?
Do you even know my name?

My life is pretty much down in the dumps right now. I am NOT studying. I have NO idea where my band will be in another 12 months. I am spending most of my time hanging out with people who are all wrong for me. I am doing too much D. I am drinking too much. I am having unnecessary unprotected sex. But the scariest bit is that I am contemplating suicide once again and we all know what happened the last time I went through such a phase...

All I need is somebody to tell me that everything will be alright.Somebody genuine. if you don't mean it, then don't say it. If you don't love me, then don't say it. I wont mind. But just don't pretend.

But I guess that's too much to ask for...

I am starting to get tired of this heartbreak day after day. All girls are not magees, okay?


You don't respect me at all, do you? You don't respect anybody but yourself. But remember, 'what goes around, comes back around'...

I looked at you with me eyes rimmed with tears. I looked into you. I tried to search for a sign, any sign that would reassure me. But you stared right back. I lay naked, exposed on top of you. Could you not feel my vulnerability? Could you not feel my love? Are you blind or just not bothered?

Hitting A Dead End

Remember the days, when we couldn't stay one minute without each other? All those hours spent on the phone, all those afternoons lying in each others' arms... All those memories that no matter how hard we try, we can never erase...


We were happy. We were together and that was the only thing that mattered. Together we laughed at the cynics who told us that we wouldn't make it...but they turned out to be right afterall...


We've lost each other and it's too late to find our ways back into each other's heart...isn't it?

The pain that I feel in my heart right now is killing me. I can almost see myself heading down the big bad road to narcotization and numbness yet again to make the pain go away.

But will it?

It's a void that you can never fill.

Never.

Ever.

Things can never be the same again.

I'm too fuckin hurt.

Stand By Me, My Purple Prince

As I start to write this post, I have no idea where this is going to head to ultimately. But however, I do know that despite certain subtleties being missing from me, despite having a past that will come back and haunt me forever, despite my random acts of mindlessness and bouts of insecurity, you have loved me through the tough times regardless of everything and for that I am extremely thankful.

I know that you love me, you've said it to me time and again. But I don't love you back. I love you. I don't love you even remotely close to the way that you love me. I love you in my own way and thank you for understanding that..

I won't let this post get all sloppy and mushy, that's not really my thing. I'm not going to pretend to not care either. Yes, I lack the sensitivity to strike a balance. But trust me, I'm working on it. Not because it'd make you happy, but because I want to.

I hope you're not going to read this, it'll embarrass me. But I can't really help not blurting it all out-be it in cyberspace!

Hey you, you've made me fall in love!

Look at how pathetic I have become-writing childish love poems, dreaming with my eyes wide open-about how you hold my hand, how you kiss all my worries away gently, how you hold me close to you when I'm cold, how you wipe my tears away, how you look at me with those eyes which tell no lies...but most importantly, how you love me despite all my flaws...

It'll be quite foolish to say that it'll last forever and we'll be together till the end of time and get married and have babies and live happily ever after and all that crap. But then again, I don't mind taking that risk-let the feelings flow freely. Let me love you today, who cares about tomorrow?

Apologies

Yes, my sincere apologies for being so insincere and not posting my random rubbish for so long, it's just that my time management skills suck and I have now become a full time procrastinator! The Pujas came and went, like always. But this year was slightly different, I'd love to discuss it in explicit details, too bad I hardly remember anything because I was too darn sloshed all the time...yes, I ODd on alcohol this Pujo.

However, don't get me wrong. I am not one of those 'Devdas' kinds, who waste away alone...The start to my Pujo was kickass-my debut gig as the new vocalist of Pseudonym, at Someplace Else on Panchami!

:)

A part of my dream has come true, I've wanted this for so damn long and now that it's here, I'm trying to keep my feet firmly stuck to the ground as I await the next step....

I AM a drama queen...so?!

*

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

Just love me then you leave.

While I sit and wipe the tears of my sleeve.

Go on and tell your brothers.

That I can blow like no other.

So let them come and poke me as well.

And if I turn them down, let them make my life hell.

It's as easy as that.

To break my heart.

And burn my soul from the core.

Look what you've done, you've turned me into a whore.

Some people are born to hurt others, humiliate them and cause them pain. But the bad part is the fact that some people are born to bear all this. The worst part is, however, that I belong to the latter category.

Single and NOT Ready To Mingle

Well yes, it's true..i broke up with my boyfriend sometime back and being single after nearly two and a half feels so weird..I now have the right to whatever I want to, whenever I want to, but the problem is that now that I have all the freedom in the world, I don't really know what I want.

Which brings me to my next point, men in Kolkata however know very well what they want-sex. Men here really ARE very sex-starved.

I decided to take a long walk today and thank god I carried my mp3 player with me. As I walked down the road all alone, I felt so vulnerable, a group of three men (or rather boys) literally molested me with their eyes and that too I wasn't even wearing anything provocative and neither was I looking gorgeous-just a reed thin girl in denims and a tee...why is it so bad here? Can't women take a walk down the road holding their heads up high? Thank god I had my music player on at full swing, I was unable to hear what they were saying to or rather about me, I don't think it would affect my already low self-confidence positively...

The more I interact, the more I seem to lose faith in boys, I don't really know if I can be with anyone for too long. Don't get me wrong, most of my best friends are male and I have had some really special moments with a few boys, but I don't think they can give me any more than that...And more importantly, I don't think I can give them anymore than that..

Let's face it, I am incapable of love- of the deep and unconditional type. What I have been experiencing all these years, off and on has been infatuation and not love and now, I don't even know if love is real and I don't even know if I have faith in it anymore...is finding love worth all the trouble and all the tears? I don't know and I think I'll stop looking for it...from this moment onwards...I'm better off without love....I'm a strong girl. I don't need it.

A Piece That I Wrote In My head

Like savage birds mating in the wild,

Up in the deep blue sky,

floating around with the wind,

they dance, they fight, they fly.

A palette of colours,

in a variety of themes,

little boys and grown men,

lost in their dreams.

Some lose,

some claim their prize,

some just laze around,

while some truly mesmerize.

I have been there before,

but now I have grown,

and that part of me still cries out,

-it is something I can't live without.

And so I walked back home,

My feet hurt, and my heart is sore,

I have come back home, only to find,

that nobody flies kites anymore...

Loneliness. Just a little bit.

When I look into the mirror, I see only the void. The void in my eyes. The void takes over me. The void. A void. Avoid, the void.

I wish I was you. But I am not. I can never be.

I wish I was a bird-I'd fly away.

I wish I was a raindrop-I'd fall on you and make you happy.
I wish I was a flower-I'd blossom, even if it were for a day.

When I look into the mirror, I only see a shadow. I see not who I am, but who I want to be. Am I really who I think I am? Who am I, am I me or am I only pretending to be?

I wish I was a river-I'd go on forever.

I wish I was a rainbow, lighting up the sky.

I wish I was the smile on your face.

As you wave goodbye.

And now I'm all alone again, trying to hide the pain with ritalin and glue...love is a sad, sad song...really...

I Can't Get This Friggin Song Outta My Head

"This is the end

Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
Ill never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...strangers hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

Theres danger on the edge of town
Ride the kings highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...hes old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and well do the rest

The blue bus is callin us
The blue bus is callin us
Driver, where you taken us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...i want to...fuck you

Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
Cmon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin a blue rock
Cmon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But youll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end"

-James Douglas Morrison

Supermassive Black Hole

My procrastination is taking it's toll on me. Like for example, I named this post 'Supermassive Black Hole' after the song by Muse which was playing on my mp3 player (which is always on shuffle mode) , but by the time that i started, three songs had finished playing already. heh. And i have no idea where this post is going to go. A bigger heh.

Today is the merry occasion of "Happy Friendship Day", a day which gives losers and loners the license to use the line "will you make/do frandsheep with me?" without getting hit in the face. My "frandsheep" day has been a disaster so far, I fucking hate such occasions- frandsheep days, merry Christmases, happy new years, happy holis and even happy buddays, they remind me what a loser I actually am as I see people flock together and make merry in the streets-enjoying and laughing their worries away. These people annoy me, what fucking right do they have to be so happy when I waste away, wallowing in self-pity?

Well, I hate to admit this but maybe I can't stand these people because secretly, I am nothing but jealous of them..Will I ever see the light? Wont I be happy for a change?!

Though I don't want to, the countdown has begun in my pretty little head already-I shall turn 18 in another 5 days. My list of things-to-do-before-I-am-18 has still not been completed and it's getting a little pissing off now...Dhyat!!

I am yet to moon somebody and try to drive a car. Apart from this, I still need to make out with three people to get the desired number (which I shall obviously not reveal here!) The sad part is that I don't have anyone to make out with..I mean I do, but they don't count because I have already made out with them. A bigger dhyat!

It's not fair to love you anymore.

You're my perfect girl.

But even if you're mine,

I will have to shield you from the world.