What My Tattoos Stand For.

My Eternal Love For Kurt Cobain: not because I love his music, but because it signifies a phase in my life which has molded me into what I am today.

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-02-20.html

http://www.bhagavad-gita.org/Gita/verse-04-06.html

This Week's Love(s)

• HYPERBOLE AND A HALF is turning out to be my favourite blog of all times. Like really! http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
• Clipping by Mutemath. Genius. This song reinforces my belief in being able to get high without weed, without alcohol without hash, without any intoxicant!

• Ancient Indian History. I'm starting to like my paper on Ancient Indian history this semester at the JOO. I may not pass AB's paper by any means, but hey, atleast I LIKE what I'm studying!

• Which brings me to the next one, the JOO (also known as Jadavpur University, Kolkata, incase you're an outsider) Dude, 14 fuckin' years of hell later, I have finally found and educational institution which has accepted me with open arms for who I am ad not who they want me to be!

A Bit Of Cliched Banter.

I need to write more often.

*sigh*

Where is the time?

Where is the interest?

Where is my mind?

Boyfriend and I have been spending an obscene amount of quality time together these days. I hope it stays that way, I really do. It's funny how the transition from being the best of friends to lovers never seemed awkward to us. Sometimes when I'm lying in his arms, playing silly games or just enjoying a moment of solitude together, I wonder why life's being so good to me for a change. It's almost as though I'm being rewarded for all the hardships that I've had to go through over the years.

When I look into those eyes, I don't see someone who lusts for me, I don't see someone who wants me for the sake of it, I don't see someone who's with me for fame or for fortune or for any hidden agenda.

I see someone who loves me back as much as I love him.

That's all I need.

Boyfriend's the kind who'll stick with you no matter what. He'll hold on to you even though you're trying to push him away. He'll break down all the walls that you create around you, once in a while, to isolate yourself from the world. He's the kind who'll not refer to you as "hot"/"sexy" cause he thinks you're beautiful-even when you have a pimple outbreak or a swollen and deformed lip as a result of an insect bite. He'll kiss your tears away and best of all, he ALWAYS knows when it's a good time for a massive bear hug to lift your spirits!

I've never felt this way before. It's almost as though all this is just too good to be true. Nearly half a fuckin' year together and he STILL makes me go weak in the knees like it's the first day that we're together together.

So those of you who predicted that we wouldn't get past a month, EAT YOUR OWN SHIT. Hah!

*gives imaginary Best friend-esque hi-5 to boyfriend*

Too much sex.

Too much wine.

And she starts to believe

that she's all mine.

Hah.

When Life Takes Back What It Gives You

It is said that only those who have come face to face with death know the actual value of their life. We apparently learn to appreciate what we have only when we are on the brink of losing it or have lost it.

It was 3 am in the morning, we had just dropped off one of our members and were on our way back home after our gig. The car, a majestic beast, was strolling down the dark and hauntingly eerie road when the incident took place. I was about to drift into a sweet slumber like I usually do, when I heard the voices screaming out. But before my brain could grasp what was happening, I saw gigantic iron rods puncturing the car, smashing the windshield into a million little pieces. Some of it became dust, shining brilliantly like diamonds, poking into our skin as the wind joined forces to cause injury to us mortals. The majestic beast became crushed, crumpled and so powerless in a fraction of a second. Like the death of a star, ruling the universe one second and getting lost in oblivion the next, like the sudden transition from a lion to a lamb.

For a minute I thought that it was all over.

And contrary to popular belief, my whole life didn't flash before my eyes, just the faces of the people who I loved the most.

My parents. Him.

As we regained control of the situation, after a momentary lapse of reason, all four of us sitting in that car became numb. Too numb to speak. Too numb to breathe. Too numb to feel.

What I, or rather we, experienced in the dawn was nothing short of a miracle. Those iron bars could have taken our heads and our lives with them, but they chose to take the life of the car instead and we escaped only with minor injuries and a lifetime of fear.

I have always been a rational person, not believing in miracles and all that jazz. But how else could I possibly explain what happened to us yesterday?

The aftermath, like the skeleton of the car, needs a lot of time to be fixed, in order to be cleansed from our system.

I'm trying really hard to erase the memory from my brain but so far I've been pretty unsuccessful. Like the pieces of minute glass etched into my skin, it'll take time to fix myself up once again, the same goes for the others as well. The physical scars may heal, but who will mend the heart?

When destiny decides to take your life away, even if it's for a fraction of a second, you realise that life is nothing short of a gift and that each moment may be your last here on earth. So it' s best to cherish it.

It sounds very clichéd, I know, but trust me, only those who have seen the ugly face of death for a brief period of time will know what life's worth at the end of the day. I pity those who commit suicide and throw it all away just like that...

I'm so lucky to be alive.

Very very lucky.

And Thus. And This.

The little girl lives

with the old man, his memories to keep

him company.

The dog wags it's tail.

Salivates.

Chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl lays in the green grass.

Looks up at the blue sky.

Sees the clouds of illusion.

Fueling her imagination.

The old man smokes his tobacco.

The dog wags it's tail.

The little girl falls into the hole.

The old man is too old to rescue her.

The dog wags it's tail.

Still chewing on the bone of discontent.

The little girl stays there.

Falls deeper and deeper and deeper.

Till she hits the floor.

Breaks her spine.

And dies...

I HAVE To Post This!

I turn 19 tomorrow, my last year on this earth as a teenager. It's been quite a journey so far but somehow I still feel like an underachiever. There are so many things that I should have done and so many things that I should not have done, but then again, these different twists and turns have made me who I am today.

I HATED it when I turned 18, all the fun things in life were legal and not so much fun anymore. I have no comments about 19, cause 16 onwards things just keep getting worse.

So if last year brought out the musician in me (incidentally, I complete a year of pursuing music professionally the day after), let's see what this year has in store.

Or maybe not.

This is Not a Love Note, Or Maybe It Is.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I can still feel that rush of adrenaline when we kissed for the first time. It was as though you were the last piece of puzzle and you fit right into place.

The way your hands fit into mine like they belonged there.

The way we looked at each other and knew for sure that this was meant to be. That we were meant to be.

I feel so stupid now that I think of all those moments that clearly indicated that we had fallen hook, line and sinker for each other. We were so naive, or maybe just scared of the consequences if things ended badly.

I will never forget the first time you said those words. There I was- unsure of myself, unsure of how you felt about me, a complete mess and out of words...how things changed with just those three words!

I don't remember what led to that first kiss. It wasn't lust. It wasn't amusement. I don't know what it was, but I'm glad that it did happen. My only regret is the fact that this could have happened earlier, had we not been so incredibly un-smart!!

But for what it's worth, I couldn't be happier.

They said that we'd tire after the first month and call it off. Looks like we keep proving them wrong every single time!

I hope you don't read this, it'd make me super uncomfortable.

Or maybe I want you to read this. I can't express how I feel because I love you too goddamn much so here I am, struggling to convert my feelings into words and so far I haven't done much justice to the former!

You may not be physically present with me at the moment, but it doesn't matter. I can feel you with every heartbeat. Yes, my love for you runs in my blood.

I love you.

Happy anniversary, slightly belated, but still...

Say My Name

I could feel his breath on my neck as he moved closer from behind.

His eyes were locked into mine and I had lost myself in them.

I could feel my heartbeat get entwined with his.

As we made love, I wondered if he was still thinking about her.

I shut my eyes and shed a single drop of tear, he perceived it as an expression of pleasure.

He finished, a job well done apparently.

He was satisfied.

I had satisfied him.

But then again, did I or did she?

Contrary To Popular Belief

• I don't get tattooed just to stand out/get noticed. To me, tattoos are a form of personal expression. Which is why all my tattoos are located in areas that not all can see at all times. The whole concept of getting tattooed at random to prove something to others is so passe...
• I'm not dating my boyfriend because he's a "rockstar" and he's not dating me for the sex either. People talk about us all the time. But you know what, let them, shows how important we are to them!
• But then again, a bloated self-image is the worst thing that a person can have. Take for example, ex boyfriends and girlfriends. They actually think that they matter and have made an impact on your lives...yeah right!
• No wait, I DID learn something from my recent ex...I'd rather use a dildo than be with someone like IT (not him, but it , yes) the next day.
• I STILL believe that at the end good does prevail over evil. I mean take college admissions for example, the good people DID make it to good colleges and the bitches had to settle for what they actually deserved-leftovers and B-grade institutions.

I'll add to this later, godpromiss, I feel like a bum at the moment...ZzzZZzzzz

Musings On A Sleepless Night After A Gig At Someplace Else, Kolkata. There, this is the largest title EVER in my blog!

What is life, but self-discovery?

After having spent almost nineteen years in this world, I feel like I've accomplished a lot more than I ever thought I could. The biggest being the ability to be at peace with myself.

Within me lies evil.

Within me lies good.

I am the author of my own destiny.

I am the perpetrator of my own universe.

"I am birth-less and I am deathless,

I am the Supreme Lord of all being,

Born I am through my Maya,

With all laws of nature defying..."

-The Bhagavat Gita

Life is good.

Life is great.

Life is just about perfect.

Life may be good.

Life may be great.

Life may be just about perfect.

The real comfort will always be in knowing who you are, not who you want to be.

This Week. The Weak That Was.

• The Dandy Warhols: 'We Used To Be Friends'
• The Catcher In The Rye. Again.
• Curses and blessings and other blah.
• JOO!!!! (Jadavpur University, Kolkata, finally!)
• New friends. Old enemies. The yin and the yang.
• The rain and it's predictable unpredictability.
• Marijuana trippin', unsmoked.
• Cheap college clothes shopping, a la footpaths and make-shift stalls.
• Meditating to keep annoying ex-girlfriend of boyfriend away..:P
• Anticipation of the week/weak that is to come

:)

The Selfless and the Selfish

They pretend to be your best friend.

Your greatest ally.

You give them all you have.

But ask them for help and they turn their back on you.

Bastards of the highest order.

Death Of A Star

The madness that has replaced the twinkle in your eye.

The beads of sweat on your brow.

How will you get past your obstacles?

Who will shelter you now?

The shadow of loneliness that follows you around.

Will haunt you forever it seems.

Your days of glory are a thing of the past.

They've disintegrated with your dreams.

You tried your best, you tried real hard.

Yet to failed to pass the test.

You succumbed to mediocrity

You became just like the rest.

But just for tonight you shine the brightest.

They watch in awe, from near and far.

Tonight is your night.

Tonight, you're the star.

New World Virtues and Disorders

I took 7 admission tests, appeared for 2 interviews over a span of two weeks and got through all subjects in my preferred list of colleges EXCEPT for the one that I wanted the most. Would it be correct to label it a matter of fate then?

But I'm happy nevertheless, I like to take up things like these as a challenge. I'm all set to study history (yes, that's right, I picked history over english, no need to faint now!) for the next three years at possibly the best college/university in Kolkata...*sigh*

It's funny how my life's taken a whole new direction in this past one year. I was a member of that exclusive club which has it's eyes on the bigger prize-going abroad for higher education, for no college in the city seems good enough.

Look at me now, I feel heartbreakingly homesick even if I'm away from the city for two weeks! I guess the lesson that I've learnt this time is to NOT plan ahead too much and just go with the flow. The more plans that you make, the higher the chances of them not materializing and the more disillusioned you will be!

It's July now, I will officially complete a year with my band in August (who stuck with me all throughout, despite all my inconsistencies and my flaws) and a year of playing regularly at That Other Place (I want no controversies!)

I can safely say that wherever I am today, it's because I'm pursuing this for the love of music and nothing else. I need to be reminded this at times, but then again, life has funny ways of making you realize things that you otherwise wouldn't.

As of now, JU, here I come!!

No N Sen se

Pinnacles of hope.

Yeah, shoot the pope.

what's his use anyway?

Candied suicide on a stick.

Glorified sex and an ice-pick.

Hush child, they'll hear what you say.

Pull The Trigger, Jack.

The hole in your conscience.

The dirt under your fingernails.

The goosebumps on your skin.

Your ragged, unkempt hair.

The rip in your shirt.

The blood dripping from the sockets of your eyes.

Your wagging tongue.

Your stale breath.

Your glorified past.

Monster, come to me.

Let me purify you.

Tonight.

A Little Piece Of Advice For The Naive.

Remember when you were happy and gay?

and each day

Was as careless as the falling rain?

Remember when you used to play with your dolls?

Before your rise

and your petty falls?

What happened to you,

why did you have to go on and become so ugly?

What happened to you,

why did you have to become such a transvestite?

Eating him once didn't quite

satiate your appetite?

Remember how you fought with all your pain

and flushed daddy's money down the drain?

Like it was your birthright.

Remember how he said he loved you?

Even though he lied

You thought it was true?

What's happened to you,

why are you so needy?

What's happened to you,

why are you so shallow?

Forever biting into more

than you can ever swallow.

People never change.

They're always the same.

He's fucking you today.

Tomorrow, he'll forget your name.