If I wanted to pet you all the time,
I'd just get a dog instead.
Please don't flatter yourself.


If I wanted to face a beast,
I'd just look in the mirror.
You're just like everybody else.

Force Feed Indifference

I'm off Facebook for a week. I want to keep myself away from the negative shit that circulates in social media.

I've been sketching again. 

Like crazy.

Although it's mainly doodles of faces, memories, body parts etc. My peculiar need to remember the tiny details makes me pour it out through my art. 

Intimate. Imperfect. Fragile. 

I have a date tonight and I'm not really looking forward to it beacuse I don't even know what I am looking for at this point. It's exhausting to be in a field which requires creativity on the daily basis. You're required to play the role of a magician, a wizard perhaps. I get horrible blocks sometimes.

Am I going to use him as my muse then? Nah, I just want a conversation with someone from a different world as mine. 

This tinder shit is not for me, although I hear this is how people hook up these days. I'm not looking for a random fling, it's too easy, there's no challenge involved. You don't even have to know the person who's sticking his genitalia into you. Now where's the fun in that? 

Striped socks and I dropped some acid some weeks (?) back and pretty much lay and watched the stars all night. It made me realise that I'm not who I used to be when I was 18. My needs are different, my wants are more emotional and less physical. 

We talked and kissed. It was nice. Simple, uncomplicated. 

You can fuck all the people you meet.

But after a point, you crave for more.

Intimacy, emotion, a connection perhaps.

It's not easy living in a world so completely detached from their spiritual self.

 But I will never change my ways. And for good reason, the world needs more people who, erm, feel. 

I will kiss you till you feel me in every bone.

I will love you till the point of breakdown, so you can love again.

Like a child.

In all it's innocence.

And fear.

But mostly, hope. 

Dignity

You're gonna badmouth me?

Tell them your dirty lies?

Baby, I'm a ronin,

I will survive.

Junkie

I get raped when I fall in love.
I get beaten.
Bruised.
I am left feeling abandoned when I fall in love.
Cheated on.
Hurt.
And yet I pick up the pieces and shake it off.
"I am a ronin"
I tell myself.
Perhaps things will change someday.
But they never do.

Live one more day.
Die a million deaths.
I can't control my depression anymore.
It's spiralling out of control.
I dream of death.
It makes me happy.
Maybe I'll be happy when I die.

There's no point living this shitty, loveless life anymore.
I don't even want love anymore, I want death.

Striped Socks, Reprise

My bed smells of him long after he's gone.
As do my pillows.
My sheets.
Sweet smell of intimacy.
And endless slumber.
But it's over now.
My heart is strangely broken.

My heart skips a beat,
The joys of waking up next to another soul.
So innocent, as he sleeps.
Unfamiliar lands don't seem like a scare.
Just a holiday.
Just a trip.

But he's gone.
So far away.
I try and forget his face.

Oh, the void.
Kills every time, with every guy.
Why haven't I gotten used to it already!

We frolic like children, without a care in the world.
His mouth open only slightly, as he orgasms.
I take a mental picture of his face.
For I want to remember.
His eyes.
His lips.
His beard.
His hands.
His torso.
I want to hold him forever, for some strange reason.

I kiss his face incessantly.
I want to fill him with so much love that all the dark in his heart goes away.
All his miseries.
Sorrows.
Fears.
Heartache and heartbreak.

I want to share my love.

For it spreads like a disease.

One I can't control.

We're lying on the floor
Looking up at the stars
So beautiful
I wish for the moment to never end
For it is pure perfection
Two souls coming together.
On a summer night.

He kisses me with careless abandon.
I want to keep kissing him forever.
We effortlessly slide into each other's arms.
Like veteran lovers.
Fitting so comfortably, like his striped socks.

Lonely Press Play

Passing through just a phase,

I will be fine,

I tell myself.

I keep telling myself.

It's just a storm

It'll be over soon

I tell myself

I keep telling myself over and over again.

Every day is the same.

I'm sinking deeper

Without an anchor

I've become so good at masking this bottomless pit

That I convince myself there is none.

One day when I'm older and hopefully wiser,

I will laugh thinking I almost gave up.

But my future seems too distant and too bleak. For now.

So 'when I'm lonely I press play' 

Journey

Stretching out my arms to you,

But they only reach a certain distance.

It is up to you to you embrace me,

Open up to me,

There's nothing more I can do.

Than wait.

When I get tired of waiting, I will go away.

And never return. 

Lovers In Summer

I want to tear you apart.

Break down your walls.

High, like the Great Wall of China.

What causes you to be so scared?

I want to consume you.

Cell by cell.

Your love.

Your hate.

Your indifference.

I want it all.

We are all so broken.

Craving for some attention.

Like dogs,

But without their kindness.

Humans without hearts.

Cruel.

Villanous.

I dreamt of you last night,

Of our summer rendezvous. 

Bodies entwined.

Lips locked.

One.

Complete.

So vulnerable.

Goosebumps on my skin.

I swear to god I could have cried.

Even though I am emotionally bankrupt.

I've been conditioned to pain.

But I'll snap out of it soon.

Don't scar my face.

Don't scar my body.

Don't scar me, again.

Don't be like the others, please.

Gentle lover.

Gluing pieces of me back together with your kisses.

Make me feel like a woman, again.

For I am no longer a child.

I will survive, again.

For I am no longer afraid.

You can't break my heart if I don't give it to you.

Love is an elaborate lie.

It does not exist.

You've been duped.

As have I.

We're too old to play this game anymore.

Come to me.

Let me comfort you.

Chase your demons away.

I am here.

At your disposal.

Games People Play

We're rocking back and forth
Or would it be politically correct to say up and down instead?
I'm in you.
I'm into you.


My friends and I are snorting drugs in a kitchen.
We're wired and bouncing around like toys.
Wasted humans.
Human waste.


I like the way you look at me.
I know you want me.
You know I know.
Make a move already.


My friends and I are hatching our conspiracies.
We're going to take over the world one day.
Be my bitch.
Be my knight in shining armour.

My Own Nightmare

The past week has been excruciatingly painful owing to my personal crises. But my nightmare is over now. I feel blessed to have people in my life who I know will help me out every time I hit rock bottom. I couldn't ask for more, really.

I made a song I want to have sex to. It's quite aptly called 'I Am My Own Nightmare'. I figure I'll have to be a little bit stronger if I want to live this sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle. It is not for the faint-hearted.
The problem with being a girl in a man's world is that you eventually start thinking and acting like a dude without even realising it.
You say yes when someone asks if you want to snort some cocaine, you say yes when someone offers you a drink, you say yes when someone asks you if you're single. You say yes because you don't care about the consequences of your actions, you figure you'll deal with the shitstorm if and when it comes.

I am a badass, yes, but what if I don't want to be sometimes?

I want to remember the tiniest details of eventful days and nights. But I can't. I forget faces. I forget names. I want to hold back sometimes, dial down that crazy. This is what I have become.

Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.
Drugs and rockandroll.

Meaningless relationships, with people who love the idea of me, never me. I tried so hard but in the end I couldn't. It's humiliating to let someone treat me so badly for no reason. At what point did I become so deranged that I chose to continue fucking someone who'd done the cruelest things to me? It's not fair I pretend to be such a rockstar when in reality I'm just a little girl looking for some love.

But my last relationship with a guy taught me to change the way I look at love and affection. It doesn't even matter who I choose to fuck, I'm never going to find the things that I'm looking for, simply because my perfect man doesn't exist. At best I can hope for good sex once in a while.

I'm going to keep snorting all these drugs and seducing all these men and women. I WILL sleep with 30 year olds and possibly older ones. I don't care. I am evil incarnate. Someone broke my heart and now I have none.
I am not looking for love anymore. It doesn't exist.

I Am My Own Nightmare-Plastic Parvati

If

If I told you it was yours,
would you make me keep it?
would you force me to keep it?

Would you believe me,
would you trust me,
if I told you it was yours?

If I told you it was yours,
would you love me?
would you console me?

Would you hold me?
Tell me that all will be okay?
It is you I need the most.

If I told you it was yours,
would you accept it?
would you at least try to be by my side?

I am scared.
I am hoping it isn't what I think it is.
I wish you loved me. I wish we were in love.
But that's okay I guess, accidents happen sometimes.

I will deal with this on my own.
I will deal with this on my own.
It is my cross to bear.
You will never even know.

Rain Fall Down

You can never win if your heart is not pure.
Stop playing victim in situations you aren't.
You're the villain, you stupid boy.
You're the villain of your stories.


I know when someone else makes love to you, you'll be thinking of me.
My body.
My heart.
My head.
My sex.
Your hands on my back.
My hand on your dick.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

You can woo all the people in the world.
But they'll never love you like I did.
You can put your dick in her face
Her hands
Her vagina
And yet she can never be me.


It's just a matter of a good fuck.
You won't get it though.
I dare you, I double dare you.

I will haunt you for as long as I live
Eat away at your conscience
Reminding you of your ugliness every time you touch someone else.
I dare you to get my sex out of your head.
I double dare you.

And as for me, I'm trying to be an adult.
You know I don't kiss and tell.
I have my flaws, but I am invincible.
I have been through your hell.

No Sleep For The Wicked

I see them swarm like bees around honey,

Thirsty eyes,

Thirstier souls. 

"But baby, 

I don't do em boys your age no more"

Deepest Scars

The start of something, anything is always beautiful. It could be a song, it could be a new project or heck, it could even be the initial stages of a friendship. 

I wonder what my life will be like when I'm 30ish. I've always imagined it'll be a rainy afternoon lying around with my lover perhaps, reading a book, listening to a jazz record. Perhaps slightly stoned. Perhaps very content, not necessarily happy, but content.

What to do, girl's gotta have some dreams right? 

Misadventures/Athlete

He's like the hero in movies, the one all girls pine for.
What a pretty face.
One I can't forget.

He is a gentleman, or so he appears to be.
What can an athlete and a musician possibly have in common?
So much.
So much actually.

I am scared he will fall in love and I will break his heart.
So young.
So innocent.
I am scared I will ruin him for all women, forever.

I tend to do that sometimes, don't know how but I do.

His eyes twinkle when he laughs.
So adorable.
I wish I could wrap him up and take him home.
And then maybe wrap my legs around him eventually.

Will I see him again?
I can't make up my mind.

But I am scared.
I will ruin him for all women, forever.

Striped Socks

Striped socks on the floor

Endless flirtation 

Girl's gotta grow up at some point

Smoke a joint

Or maybe not

It doesn't really matter

We have to race against the clock

Striped socks on the floor

Along with my underwear

Calm down now

Tomorrow will be another story

Verbal Vomit

Am I talking too fast?

Am I staring too hard?

Please don't judge me,

I only want to kiss you, a little more perhaps.

Am I spacing out too much?

Am I too involved?

Please don't hate me,

I only want to love you. 

Boy v/s Man

I'm infatuated with you, why can't you understand. I think about you when I have nothing else to think about. Think of me too sometimes, please. Or I'll end up giving my still broken heart to someone else.

We're all so lonely, looking for some company. We crave for someone to wake up next to, not always but once in a while maybe. Someone to share and over-share with. 

Isn't it the best feeling, to not go to bed with a broken heart and wake up with a smile? Knowing that someone cares very deeply for you. 

But you're not the one. 

You're not the one I've been looking for.

It's alright though.

I give up.

I can't spend my life chasing after you.

He's new.

Brand new and shiny.

With the face of an angel.

He wants to know me, pick my brain.

The feeling is mutual.

Maybe I'm a bad person for humoring him because I can't have you.

But what do I do?

I'm lonely too.

Simplicity.

Innocence.

Humility.

It'll only be a matter of time I will fall deeply in love.

I thought I'd be you.

I was wrong.