A War With Vana

(yeah, the duality kicks in, freaky aint it? It's almost as though I have two people living inside my head. No, I do NOT have MPD, I'm just plain 'ol manic-depressive! :P)

Everytime I think about how the good times are exceeded a cent percent by the number of times that you have hurt/neglected/ignored/taken me for granted/treated me like a piece of dirt, I feel strangely relieved.
Even if you hide under the blanket of pretense, I KNOW what lies beneath.

You're so kickass, but also so very dumb.

You tend to overestimate yourself. You may be smart, but babe, I happen to be smarter!

A Death and A Birth

A part of me has FINALLY died. It's hard to pin point which part, but I am sure that it did. A slow and painful death. Years and years of neglect killed it. But maybe I'm to blame for it. I got so caught up with bearing it all with a smile plastered on my face that I didn't know or rather, didn't realize when things got out of hand and by the time I did, it was too late to fix things.

And now, as I sit in my room, typing this out, I wonder if the death was a case of suicide or homicide.

A few weeks back, something happened that changed my life. I was broken and I wanted to drown in numbness for the pain was just too much for me to handle. So what started out as a tipsy sunday turned into a nightmare involving a web of chemicals and pills-intoxication to keep my head from exploding. I was using again, in the loo, lying in a tub full of blood, tears and warm water,when I passed out. But it was a different experience. I didn't just pass out from all the chemicals that I had forced my body to take in, I didn't pass out from the all the blood that I had lost, neither did I pass out from the exhaustion. I passed out because a part of me didn't want to live anymore. That part of me wanted me to stop breathing and unwillingly I did. I panicked at first but it felt strangely comforting a while later, I felt like I was embracing death and at that moment I realized how all the stuff that has been happening in my life is just a scam, a joke, a farce.
How could I have been so blind to not see that you're just a lie? How could I have not realized for this for so long?
When I opened my eyes the next morning, I saw the maid looking at me, her face distorted with horror. I forced myself to get up from the tub and went and stood in front of the mirror, observing my naked form. I was a complete mess. My hair was matted against my face, my cheeks had lost their colour, my raccoon eyes were red, puffy and hollow. My skin had shriveled up and I did not look one bit like the person I had been seeing in the mirror all these days and I felt dead but strangely alive. I had finally learnt to give up all hope. I HAD given up all hope. I HAVE given up all hope. It makes me feel dead but at the same time it makes me feel alive and free. Free from the shackles of expectations which ultimately lead to heartbreaks, just because the heart never ceases to give up hope. But now that I had none left in me. I was free. I resorted to silence and have been doing so ever since. Silence is now my weapon of self-defense. I shall never express to you no matter what I feel.

I gave you the benefit of doubt. I gave you another chance. I thought about this long and hard and I have made up my mind, I won't let you fool me anymore.

I love you, I still do.
I will never show you that I have died. I will try my best to hide it from you.
But deep down inside,
will you not know that I am dead?
will you not know that you have killed me?

She Will Be Loved?

I cried again today, during practise but I don't think anybody noticed. We're supposed to cover 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5 and somehow I can't get myself to sing it. It's too damn hard. It's too damn personal. The song which I couldn't stop listening to at one point of time in life has now come back to haunt me.

I have been the one spending everyday, out on the corner in the pouring rain, looking for the one with the broken smile and asking them to stay a while...loving them...loving them with my mind, body and soul...loving them selflessly, wanting nothing in return..loving them till the end...loving them till they are cured.

But suddenly, I don't want to be that person anymore. I need someone to take care of me. I need someone to fix my broken smile. I need someone to love me back, for a change.
I need to be that 'she' who is made to feel beautiful...the one who will be caught every time she falls..the one for who you will drive mile after mile just to wind up at her door...the one you will spend out on the corner in the pouring rain for...the one whose broken smile you will fix..the one who will be loved.
But, given the circumstances,




will she be loved?

Maybe I am needy. Very very needy. And this emotional void is the price that I have to pay for choosing to love someone without any reason. Love is a sad song. I may be the one hiding all alone in my car. But you DON'T know where I am...

Yesterday was a good day, not overtly great, but good nevertheless. I mean wins and losses don't really get to me that much, but it does feel great when you win, your best friend comes second and your boyfriend comes third..:D :D
(yes, this is in reference to a competition, my first ever competition, that we won last night)

But then again, you win some and you lose some. Black Ninja and I did all that we could to get to "Psunomyn" practise on time but thanks to a drunk cab driver, we turned up half an hour late and i had to face the wrath of guitar god kaku...:(
Black Ninja felt so guilty that he looked like he was about to cry since i was at the receiving end of the wrath and not him..but then again, i really didn't mind...given an option, i'd do it all over again.
Yesterday, being on stage with the !Banned guys, I was reminded of why i wanted to make music in the first place, for nothing else but the passion and anybody who reprimands me for that can go ahead, but i can't do music just for the moolah, thankyouverymuch!


My friend called me up yesterday, asking me why I haven't been writing about the other stuff in my life (read the "private" stuff) and it got me thinking about my insecurities again. Most people would wish for me to drown in a lake or something after reading this, but I can't help it. Deep down inside, I'm insecure too, for being the trophy girlfriend.
Really really stupid, but still.
If you have zero self-confidence/an ugly face/no noticeable talent/no class or money/ a mind which cannot think on it's own/jaali tastes or heck if you're bad in bed, you still have the right to be insecure. But considering the fact that none of those (or other) criteria apply for me, what right do i have to be insecure?
Well i think i have the scariest flaw-most people who know me only know me from the surface and do not bother to dig in deep. And for those of who, who do..they become friends for life, but that's for another post.
Sometimes i feel like i am loved (yes, i am choosing the word 'love' here) for who i am on the surface and not for who i am deep down inside. And it scares the hell outta me.
My worst nightmare of being the trophy girlfriend might just be true. You know, the kind one would love to show off to friends, take everywhere as arm candy and spend every minute possible talking to for being such a good companion. Or the one who you can trust will be yours no matter what and no matter who comes along. But in return, you don't have to give anything back cause no matter what you do to her, at the end she'll love you back. Scary, very scary. So I choose not to let such thoughts take over my mind cause I have noticed that it affects my creativity and being where I am today, my vocal chords and my creativity are getting me places today, so I don't want to throw that away for another person. If his love for me is true, then he will not chain me down with his ego. If his ego is greater than his love, he very well will. Things have been good so far so why worry about the future and ruin the moment?! *touch wood*

Body/NObody...does it matter?!

I survived on a teeny weeny cup of lal chaa, a biri, a mini apple and phhuchkas today. No wonder dinner seemed like a piece of heaven!
May may maketh the food. But in reality, the food maketh the man!

Just because I am *really* skinny, a lot of people assume that I am anorexic or suffer from some other eating disorder. But for the record, I love my food and I love it when my tummy is filled. I don't care if I put on weight or not, I don't care about my figure and it nauseates me when I think of how most girls my age obsess over their body types. People, seriously, STOP making yourself go through such harsh criticism. You can be fat, you can be thin...you are great the way you are as long as you're healthy.
Face it, you can NEVER have a perfect figure, there'll always be some flaw that'll catch your eye, you know why?
Cause you're perfect the way you are already, so why change?!

When I stand in front of the mirror, I am at ease. Not because I love what I see, but because I am comfortable with what I see. My vital statistics may be nothing close to perfect, but I don't care. Period. And if you have a problem, you can just stick it up your rear end for all I care.

Those of you reading this, mainly the ladies, I hope you get my point...all this dieting and wallowing in shame just because you're obese/underweight is useless. Get over it, really!

Eat, drink and be merry, it's that simple!

Clarity Is Such A Bitch!

I've been dreaming about the same thing for three nights now. It's not a happy one, it's morbid and it's painful. But the worst part is that it's the truth that my mind dismisses to avoid confrontations and to avoid pain. I don't know how much longer I can survive this though.

There's a very fine line between love and lust and when I looked into your eyes that day, I knew which side you were on and after a whole lot of tears, turbulence, nightmares and sleeplessness...I finally got my answer....Thankyouverymuch!


Clarity can be such a bitch, but then again two can play this game...
;)

Bloody Bloody Mary

I gave to you my life.
My mind.
My body.
My soul.

What more do you want?
What more do I give?

I gave to you my love.
My pride.
My honour.
My shame.

What more is left to give?
What more is left of me?

You broke me into pieces.
You broke my dreams.
You broke my heart.

What more can you ask for?
Silence?
I've given you that too...

Where Is My Mind?

The human mind is capable of stretching to whole new dimensions. My head never fails to shock/surprise me. Lately, it's adopted a new defense mechanism- blanking out.
Sometimes you just NEED to shut out those thoughts from breaking you into a million little pieces. Sometimes you need to lie to yourself to ensure a good night's sleep. Sometimes you just need to shut your mind off so that your life does not fall apart like a house of cards. I did that today afternoon. I will do it again in the future. It makes me happy, so, whatever, fuck reality!

And It All Falls Down...

It's well past 5 in the morning and I just got back home from work, I am feeling horrible about the circus that we've been putting up claiming to be music. I feel sick. I feel ashamed. I have let that stage down.

I hit almost all the notes perfectly. My projection was fine. My lyrics were perfect. The stage act too was immaculate, but it was all just a sham, I may have fooled them all, but I couldn't fool myself. What am I becoming?

The same person who'd practise for hours and pick up every song perfectly before every practise, regardless of a gig in the near future or not is now least bothered. The person who'd excel at replicating Nirvana songs cause they came from within now watches the television screen in front while on stage during 'Lithium'...seriously, WHAT am I becoming?

As I looked at Guitar God Kaku today, I felt ashamed for letting him down. There sat a man opposite to me who had given up every goddamn luxury in life to pursue music as a profession because to him, music comes from within and he is true to his love for music and what I have been doing to him has been nothing else apart from letting him down to the point where he's started to question his own capabilities as a musician. We've driven him to the point where he feels stagnated. Why? For our own selfish reasons.

I am sorry, I really am, on behalf of all of us. I don't want to be a rockstar, I have never wanted to be one. I've never wanted to pursue music for the fame, the glamour or the moolah. I've chosen this path because this is something that comes from within and that thank you for reminding me why I joined this band in he first place-to learn so as to become a musician one day!

Wannabe

Like a drop of water,

falling on a barren land.

You bring me back to life,

when you hold my hand.

Amidst all the darkness,

you shine like the sun.

But you're just an actor,

a very good one...

AARRRGGHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZfBR5G8FZ8

I'm in love. I'm heartbroken. I'm in pain. This is the root of all my troubles. I love this song so much that it hurts yet I can't stop listening to it. It's driving me crazy, again..

The Ground Beneath Her Feet

"All my life, i worshipped her
Her golden voice, her beauty's beat
How she made us feel
How she made me real
And the ground beneath her feet
And the ground beneath her feet

And now i can't be sure of anything
Black is white, and cold is heat
For what i worshipped stole my love away
It was the ground beneath her feet
It was the ground beneath her feet

Go lightly down your darkened way
Go lightly underground
I'll be down there in another day
I won't rest until you're found

Let me love you true, let me rescue you
Let me lead you to where two roads meet
O come back above
Where there's only love
And the ground beneath her feet
And the ground beneath her feet..."


Music: U2
Lyrics: Salman Rushdie

Bliss In Pain/Pain In Bliss

I'm so broke at the moment that it's not funny. It's the 13th of the month and I am asking Guitar God kaku pretty much everyday if the paycheque has arrived yet or not!

But the funny part is that I was never really a spender till I started to earn. Contrary to popular belief, I was never really the spoilt brat, I mean my folks gave me pretty much everything that I could ask for but as a child, even as a teen, I never really asked them for stuff/money like I see others around me do. My mum tells me that I was a good kid, never asking for new toys. However she does point out that I had a streak of sadism in me as a child, I'd cut off the hair/hands/legs of the Barbie dolls once I got bored of playing with them. Scary. Though I don't really remember why I'd do that.

But that streak of sadism still remains in me. I enjoy watching others in pain. Though I am more of a masochist than anything else, but I have a penchant for pain. Not the insect bite kind, but the agonizing kind. But the problem with pain is that, just like drugs, too much makes you immune and doesn't get you high and so you keep on increasing the dosage. As a child, when the cutting wasn't enough (mind you, I was never a show off-cutter who'd slit her wrist/arms for the world world to see and sympathize with, I cut myself in places which were hidden from the rest of the world), the burning of skin started. But there came a time when even that didn't affect me anymore, so what did I do?

I started aiming for the bigger kind of pain-mental pain and agony.

Its been years since I've stopped subjecting myself (and others, unintentionally) to that form of pain. But as Cobain put if, "I miss the comfort in being sad" cause it keeps my mind off the real worries and the real issues. I have hidden under the blanket of physical pain for too long, but now that I am facing my worries face to face and conquering over some and avoiding others, I feel a lot braver and I've come to realise that no pain is great enough to control the mind, unless I cower and let it!

But sometimes pain can be fun too. Like I said, I am a retard when it comes to striking a balance and I am the queen when it comes to over/under doing stuff. But I can't help, that's just the way that I am. I feel like getting another piercing today, (yeah, i have these sudden urges to get a piercing..infact the last 6 have been totally random) and even though my guy claims to be fond of body art, I know that my bouts of randomness freak him out at times, so I guess I'll have to let it be today! :(

Shelter From The Storm

Running around in circles,

Questioning who I may be,

Flowing like the river,

Unable to find the sea.

Help me,

Help me from myself,

All I need is your love,

And a little bit of help.

Tomorrow, when I'm gone,

Will you cry in pain?

But till that day comes,

Will you be my umbrella in the rain?

I typed this out on my phone last night after a really intense conversation with Black Ninja, he's starting to be a very big support...I wish I could let him know how good a friend he is and what he means to me one day, but the loser does not have access to the internet...:(

Spongebob Squarepants

I am the god that grants you life.

I am your deepest fear.

I am your darkest secret.

I am the one you cannot live with.

I am the one you cannot live without.

I'm Spongebob

I'm gay

changing myself for you

Everyday

I am the bitch you hate.

I am the diva you want to screw

I am your alibi

I am the one you want

I am the one you'd never want

I'm Spongebob

I'm gay

I'm the one

with no say

I'm Spongebob

Patrick's dead

He never really was

It was only in my head.

The Spotlight Is On You Kid!

Our last show was super tight, tightest so far I think. And I think I know why, we played keeping every other thought at bay, we played because we were in love, we played for the love of music and I think that is what makes a band, well, a band.

Somep has become a second home to me now but despite hitting that stage regularly for 4 months now, every show is a learning experience. I learn how to improve myself after a bad show and I learn not get swayed by a good show. The stage is where I learn, I learn what can never be taught in textbooks-I learn how to immerse my mind, body and soul into the music, create something that can make people feel the exact same thing that I feel when I am on stage.

I don't know what'll happen to me once January ends cause even now, I am quite literally battling it out with my folks before very show. I don't know if I want to make a career out of this. Heck, I don't even know if this is my true calling or not. All I know is that I have been given my due after waiting long and hard and so I am not going to be an imbecile and throw it all away. It's not everyday that a regular 18 year old gets labelled as the next big thing now, is it?

When you want something real bad, without any selfish or wrong reasons, you DO land up getting it. No, I am not lucky, I am very ordinary, but what I have and you could call my secret weapon is my confidence. I KNOW that achieving your goals is not am impossible thing if you have your priorities right and if your karma is clean

Yeah, I am old fashioned and I do believe in Karma-what you do, you get back. I try and be a good person as much as I can and though I see the bitches move ahead of me at times, I try not to give up cause I know that it won't be long before they get stuck and that I cross them and reach the finish line. It's a simple ideology, really...all it requires is patience and belief. But trust me, it really does work. Don't think of the consequences-just do the right thing, you'll get it back one day, when you need it the most.

There have been a lot of people who've hurt me, but I have chosen to forgive them. They may call me weak and think that I do not have the ability to fight back, but they are quite mistaken. I do not fight back because forgiveness is the sign of superiority, maturity and inner peace.

:)

Tomorrow'll be one heck of a day. I have to buy a budday gift for a pretty little budday girl and then drop in at her budday party for about 15 mins and then pull a Houdini act on her. It's Guitar God Kaku's happy budday as well and we intend to celebrate it at our practise pad, so I'll have to pick up a cake and a card for him too. Apart from that, I shall have to start and finish my Psychology project which is due on Monday...sheesh, so much work..:(

Dear Crystal Grass, please play during your usual slot at Somep and do not back out tomorrow, or else my folks'll kill me if we have to play again tomorrow night. I am yet to tell them about the gig at Ra(u)nchy. Dear Lord, I'm in for big trouble!!

The Platonic Friend(s)

One boy (man?) makes me cry and another makes me laugh till I have tears in my eyes, all in one day that too. The last couple of days as well as a few episodes from the past bear testimony to this.

Like the time W died and left me alone. I was shaken. It's funny how one person's on the phone with you, making plans for the next weekend when the next day you get a phone call and you're told that he is no more. The funeral, the vacant look in his mother's eyes, his brother's eyes all red, puffy and drained, his room...still smelling of him, in a perfectly messy condition, expecting him to return any time now. Nothing could make me stop crying. But I was wrong, Hachhooo and Sonny Boy did. They brought me back to life and all it took for them were a few macha stunts and coaxing from my mother dearest to go out for lunch with them!

Even today or rather these few days, things haven't quite been alright. I'm like Queen Anti-Midas, everything that I touch/try to do turns to crap. After three (or is it four) nights of being mindfucked and VERY disoriented with so much pressure from everywhere, my tears seemed to have mutinied against me and so as I sat staring at the empty page of my notebook, desperately trying to pen down a few verses of an unfinished song which Guitar Prodigy, Stoner Man, Black Ninja and I are working on, I was almost on the verge of texting guitar prodigy and telling him that I wouldn't be able to deliver on time when I got a text from black ninja- a really sad sms joke. I deleted it. He sent another one. And another one. And another one. Mind you, the quality of these jokes kept getting worse. He bombarded my inbox with REALLY REALLY LAME jokes till I begged him to stop cause I was rolling on the floor. He did. I finished the song!

*sigh* these are the times when you realise that unlike girls, boys actually make better friends. They listen to you. They are protective of you. They don't judge you and most importantly, sex is not always the only thing that they have in mind. Though they may be attracted to you at one point of time, they are willing to let go of those feelings when the friendship is at stake. Boys make super best friends. So without saying, I love you my Hachhoo, Sonny Boy and more recently, Black Ninja....what would I ever do without you guys?!

But on the flip side, when it comes to love, romance and all that jazz , I have been pretty disappointed with boys. My last relationship was just about perfect but the end was such a love song gone sour! I still miss him cause he's helped in shaping me into what I am today. But I don't miss him as a boyfriend all that much, what I miss is how close we were, as friends. Girls however make MUCH better halves. I have (sort of) been in a relationship with the most gorgeous girl on earth (in my opinion, yes) and she really truly did shower me with the affection and care that no man can match up to. Things had to end, but given an option, I'd relive my times with her all over again, they were magical. But like those cheesy sayings on matchboxes that you choose to ignore, love is magic but very sadly, magic is only illusion...

Eros and Thanatos.

It took me almost all of my teenage to slay the demons of my childhood. It took me my sanity and my peace of mind. I wouldn't say that I have come out of it completely, but I have managed to stop blaming myself for what happened to me, it was NOT my fault.

What wasn't? I'll tell you-sexual abuse.

Life has a funny way of making you realize things. I was a cool kid-the girl all the others in her batch envied yet loved. In junior school, I was the house captain, had a bunch of loyal best friends, a dozen followers, my grades were perfect, my talents hardly went unnoticed, my teachers loved me and my parents were proud of me.

But things changed one fine day.

For worse but somehow for the better.

I remember that weekend like it was a nightmare fresh from last night. I was lost, vulnerable and ultimately destroyed by him yet I put up a brave face. I didn't let the tears show. I hid them from him. I hid them from the world. I hid them from myself. I didn't even know the gravity of the situation till realization dawned on me while I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show one day, where this girl who was my age, or probably a little older was subjected to nearly the same thing as me. I was numb. The nightmare was really true, I had been raped. Repeatedly. I had been raped repeatedly by the man I loved.

I had nobody to talk to. I had nobody to share the trauma with. My parents are great, but I didn't have the guts to tell them about it. My friends too were too young to understand.

I was lonely as hell.

I cried myself to bed every night. The shame, the horror and the self-loathing took a toll on me one day and I couldn't even cry anymore for my tears had run dry.

I became a cutter.

I started to punish myself for something that wasn't even my fault.

Then the drugs came in-all kinds, juvenile stuff, herbals, chemicals and even pills-anything to keep the pain away, anything to keep me numb.

I was a junky by the time I was 13. I started to alternate between Dr. Jeckyll and Miss Hyde.

A few years later came the promiscuity. I had reached a point where it didn't even matter to me anymore. I had already lost my so called "purity" so how did it even matter?

I dissed the friends who started to figure out that there was something positively wrong with me. I pushed them away and befriended others. Making new friends has never been a problem for me. I started to choose fellow addicts and abusers over seemingly 'normal' kids of my age.

For a whole year or maybe a little more, that was what my routine was like- I'd go to school stoned, stone in school and then come back home and stone some more. My parents had no idea because my grades were still intact. My teachers in senior school were either indifferent towards me or tried to understand why I was so queer and 'different' from the others.

It was during one of those evenings when I had done god knows what with god knows who and then felt the need to get high and subsequently cut myself when my mother decided to come back home early from work. That was the moment when I knew that I had done enough damage to myself and that I needed to rid myself of the facade. I came clean to her. I came clean to the person who had given me life. I thought it was only fair that she knew.

I probably have the most supportive and the most strong willed parents in the world. Though they do not know the exact extent of the trauma, that day they made a decision that has brought me where I am right now. Instead of condemning me, they chose therapy.

But things weren't all joy and sunshine. I didn't hate my therapist that much, but I HATED my shrink. I tried to avoid all the pills that he prescribed to tranquilize me and stop me from using. I even tried to run away from home. My parents were on the verge of checking me into rehab but decided against it, probably because of the social stigma attached.

The initial sessions with my therapist seemed like scenes from a horror movie, but I gradually opened up to her-finally that one person who understood me and wasn't judging me like all others. She helped me. I let her. Things have improved since. I no longer cut myself all the time. I don't blame myself for what happened to me.

But I DON'T regret having done any of the things that I did during those years. They make me who I am today. I am bipolar. I am bisexual. I am the embodiment of all those things that your mother asked you to shut your eyes to. Judge me if you want. It doesn't matter anymore.

So now you're probably wondering why I even wrote this post in the first place, the reason is that juvenile sexual abuse is something that I have had a first hand experience of and I know how badly it can fuck a person up in their later years. If you have been subjected to any form of abuse,then DO NOT BE ASHAMED, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Speak up against it, feel no fear. I used to think that I was the only one but this organization that I occasionally work with, fights for the cause of victims and helps them come out of the trauma and trust me, you're not alone...we are all there with you, like you...