End of Year Despair

This year started off with a bang but gradually lost it's fizz towards the end. Maybe because I haven't been keeping too well somehow. All the stress and the vigorous schedule that I've put myself through has taken it's toll on me. I'm perpetually sick these days, either physically and if not then mentally.

Dunno why. Wish this phase would end soon.

But staying at home has it's benefits too, I tend to work and think best when I'm alone, isolated and when nobody can reach me. Or vice-versa. I've been writing a lot of intimate, bare-it-all-esque snippets lately. A chorus, stray choruses and maybe a bridge or two. I need to sit down and put them together. But my songs are too intimate to be shared with others, or maybe I've just scared of having my heart broken. Either way, I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. Maybe I will someday, hopefully very soon.
I do wish I were a better guitar player than I am at times, there's nothing more consoling than playing yourself your own songs when you're felling the blues...

Watched  500 Days Of Summer yesterday and I don't know which I like more, the movie or it's soundtrack. It's amazing how a god background score and soundtrack can COMPLETELY turn a movie around.
Anyway, the movie sort of got me thinking about love. Is it really worth it, at the end of the day? Why do we feel the need to be loved at all times, can't we ever be in a secure enough place to successfully live our life out in isolation, without love?
Why do we need to love, to procreate?
Why do we need to make money, to live a luxurious life that will ultimately make someone love us for the security that wealth provides?
Why is coitus such a pleasurable act, is it because our brains are conditioned to project it as something that brings us pleasure just because it is an essential life function to ensure the continuity of our species?
So then, eating, sleeping and defecating should be equally pleasurable activities, shouldn't they?


What is sex, an act of pleasure or necessity? Or is it an essential life function?
Sine sex is the only natural way to ensure that humans don't become an extinct species, why the fuck is it such a taboo? It's incredibly ironic how conflicting our ideals are. For centuries, we've let "religion" cloud our judgement on basic matters concerning life and our well-being. But we're too ignorant to even notice how we are all just the same, living the same lie. Year after year. Decade after decade. Century after century. Only a handful have been brave enough to break free. I wish I belonged to that group, but sadly I too have been pre-programmed and it's too late to undo everything, without actually ''losing my mind''.
Maybe in the next life then?
:)

DO watch 500 Days Of Summer by the way,  you haven't already. It won't answer any of you questions on life and love, but it's definitely a great movie. Also, I may have a tiny crush on Zooey Deschanel's character Summer, maybe because she reminds me of myself in quite a few ways, but the character mind you, not the actual person.:) :)

Dance of the Destitute.

Young lovers in their prime.

Running out of time.

Hurriedly procreating,

And feeling so sublime.

Interchanging roles.

Emptying out the souls.

Searching for their hearts,

But finding gaping holes.

Like a ventriloquist.

Unable to resist.

Voices are stifled,

Another one added to the list.

They're all puppets in his hands.

Puppets on call.

Dance for him, pretty girl.

As the boys turn their heads towards the wall.

:)

http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/17/filthy-gorgeous/?ref=travel

Makes me happy, even if it's for a little while!

Run

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's fight with the waves and not each other.

Like doe-eyed children building sandcastles.

Unkempt hair.

Runny noses.

Soiled pajamas.

Without a care in the world.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's listen to the sounds of the sea.

Lose ourselves for a moment.

Collapse into time.

Make love.

Soul-search.

Like it were the only thing left for us to do.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Let's collect fragments of shells lying around.

Pretend like they're precious jewels.

Worth a million rupees.

Maybe more.

And put our heart and soul into it.

Like collecting memories.

Let's run to the beach, darling.

Before it's too late.

Before you're too close to me.

Too close for comfort

Before our love fades away.

Let's run to the beach.

And never come back...

The Weak That Was (part II)

• Pre-exam despair (first paper on Modern India is tomorrow afternoon, still haven't started)
• Someone Like You by Adele on loop. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCya1yiFFP4
• Contemplating a change in future career. (haha, "career", like I'll ever pre-plan anything, who am I kidding!)
• The Abhi-Ash baby is all over the news, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS. I wish news channels would get over it already.
• Re-reading Fight Club, man if you haven't read it you should be ashamed of yourself, it's in a different league altogether. But yea, if you're a bum then watch the movie instead. I love both actually. It's funny how I always imagined Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden even before I watched the movie.
• Watched 'Dead Girl' 

and I wasn't very impressed. I don't really like these zombie movies, but watched [rec] and [rec]2 a couple of days back and lurrrvvveeddd it!

• So yea, my obsession with horror continues. (this is the part when you list your top 5 horror movies in your head so that you can ask me to watch them, only to realise that I don't have a 'comment' or a feedback button in my blog. Mwahahahahhaha *evil laughter*) 
• My dad's been using a blackberry phone for quite some time now. Years ago, when he got his first BB, I was quite appalled by it's monstrosity for it looked like one of those huge pencil boxes that I would carry to school as child. But I've been using a blackberry for about 6 months and as dramatic as it may sound, I really cannot imagine being able to function without it. It's like god in your hands. (now THAT was going too far, wasn't it?) 

Anyway, this is all for now, I just realised that I have an exam in about 12 hours and so I better get started. No need to pray for me, pray for the person who will check my paper!

The Updated Interface Sucks. But Then Again, So Does Everything Else!

Please don't mind the temper, end sem starts from tomorrow and as usual, I ain't got no clue. It's funny how before EVERY exam I make a pledge, to study sincerely for the next one and somehow it never seems to work out and I procrastinate away only to realize the deep shit I'm in. It's like an endless cycle, a dog fruitlessly chasing it's tail.
Ep launch is due next month, so much work left man. Not funny, I'm stuck in an infinite loop of shit...gaaah!!!

                                         

The above is our official logo btw, made by Kunal Sen, isn't he just super, check his work out here: http://www.kunalsen.net/

You Don't Know How It Feels

"But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint

And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud

You don't know how it feels

You don't know how it feels to be me"

-Tom Petty

Over the last 40 years, there has been a 794% increase in the number of rape cases in India, and that mind you is just a small figure because the majority of rapes and molestation incidents never find a voice and are thus never reported, they remain etched as horror stories in the minds of the victims. And it saddens me. It really saddens me when a victim blames herself for what has happened to her, like she was asking for it.  

Rape is not just a physical act, there's more to it than that. One can recover from the physical trauma, but the pain that one goes through mentally is not so easy to deal with. Rape plants seeds of negativity and vulnerability so deep in your mind that you can't even imagine. If you're one of the lucky few who have been able to come to terms with it, congratulations to you, but I know for a fact that it's something that you can never really get over, no matter how many times you tell yourself that you can. 

I CHOSE to get over it, talk about and help others out instead of keeping my feelings bottled up inside me and blaming myself for whatever happened. I tell myself that 'what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger' but there are times when I feel like getting so high that I feel numb, I want to reach a point where nothing bothers or affects me anymore. That point when I'm thus invincible and no one or nothing can harm me anymore. Such thoughts of forced detachment and self posed exiles however, are too Utopian, too unreal, it's not practical. I can't just wake up one fine day and let go off all my sorrow, it's been planted too deep in my mind. It doesn't work that way. 

But having said that, I would consider myself lucky, I've had therapy and music guide me, help me sort things out and change my perspectives on quite a few things. But even then, nothing seems to be enough, there seems to be no remedy. I've spent my all my adolescence getting high and indulging in mindless activities, but nothing seems to fill this void that's been etched into my soul. I still feel so hollow, so empty.

Today, in particular, I'm missing my childhood a great deal. It's probably been the best part of my life-uncomplicated, wholesome and full of fond memories, probably because today is Children's Day and I feel so guilty cause I've let the child inside me die.Yes, I killed the child in me, I'm a bloody murderer.

So this is probably life's way of getting back at me, I'm 20 now, I have no perspective on where my life is headed, I have no idea what I want from my life. I have no connect with what brings me pleasure and what is it that really makes me happy. So I play a charade with myself every day and with each passing day, I convince myself that this really is me, since I'm starting to get so good at it, suppressing the nagging thoughts which remind me that my conviction isn't based on something that is real. 

But what am I but a mere human being, I break down sometimes, like now, when the pressure of getting my act together all the time really gets to me. It's not an easy job to do, trust me. It's exhausting to constantly act strong, when you know how vulnerable you really are inside.

It's funny how one incident triggers so many reactions. Something that happened almost 8 years ago, still makes me want stop everything and just lay down and cry sometimes, like now.

I'm ashamed of what I've become, a soulless, hollow person with no purpose in life. I've become so good at isolating myself from people and things that it's reached a point where I've even managed to isolate myself from me.

And hence the question still remains, who am I?

You'll never know what it's like to be me. You don't know how it feels...

(I've been listening to the theme song of the 'Tale Of Two Sisters' on loop while writing this, this is one of the most beautiful pieces I've heard recently, please do give it a shot: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdVwzt6Q50U&feature=re%C2%ADlated

Also, there's this song by my favourite singer-songwriter in Kolkata, Neel Adhikari based on this theme, listen to it, it's beautiful, nevermind the crappy video though:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh0ACNb3WDg&feature=related

So if there really was a will and consequently a way,
would you stay
and try to make amends?

Tell Me All About It!

Have you ever looked into a mirror? Really looked into it? Have you ever tried to get past the beauty? The vanity. Or maybe the innumerable flaws. What do you really see, someone else?

I can't look into the mirror for too long. It's too intense. I feel like I'm breaking down the walls and really seeing myself. That scares me. It really does scare me. Beneath the calm, composed and perhaps maybe even a little shy exterior lies this abnormally intense person who I really fear. It's as though I'm facing my worst nightmare right in front of me-my darkest, most disturbing self. My alter ego, as most people would call it. But there's more to it than that, it's not just an extension of who I am but the very reason for my existence, it's my own best friend, residing right inside my head. But unfortunately it's also my worst enemy.

What do I do now, during times like these when I'm lost and I don't know which side of me I should really embrace? What do I fucking do, just go with the flow or force myself to escape the situation like a coward by getting high? What do I need to do to resolve this conflict which is practically tearing me apart? No answer. Nobody seems to have any answers to my questions these days.

On a completely unrelated note, Gaddafi was killed today. Hooray! they're celebrating in Libya apparently. I don't really care much except for the fact that Gaddafi was quite useful to India, I wonder if the new government will be as friendly and continue to grant benefits to India. But what I don't get is why these Libyans have started to celebrate, they should really save it till the time they have a fully functional democratic government. Otherwise who knows, maybe another Gaddafi is lurking in the background somewhere, waiting to hold the nation captive again for nearly half a century. Who will seem like the real fools then, eh?

Pyar Ka Tohfa revisited

I'm going to start wearing heels.

And makeup.

And little black dresses.

And fuss about my hair for hours at a stretch.

Maybe wear some fancy perfume.

Match my accessories.

And dress to kill.

But I'll still wait for her to call,

though I know she won't

And I'll wait for her to call,

when I know she won't....

I'm sorry, Pyar Ka Tohfa is this song by my band, Ganesh Talkies https://www.facebook.com/GaneshTalkies and it's probably my favourite song of the lot, I got hold of the first mix today and I can't help but play it in loop! The whole process of writing a song, jamming with your band, hitting the studio to record it and then listening to the final product (though I haven't yet!) gives such a high. I've always treated all my songs as my babies, that feeling when they come to life right in front of you is just indescribable!

It's moments like these time and again, which reinforce my desire to keep at it. I sing/write not because I want fame/money etc but because I love it with all my heart and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. It does take a toll on my personal and social life at times since I'm constantly working but trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's only been two years and *touchwood* things are looking quite bright. I'm playing with people who have been my childhood heroes, people who've I have idolized and looked up to are considering playing with me. It's so surreal that sometimes wonder if it's a dream that I'm living in!

Whatever it is, I hope this streak never ends...and yes, if you are from Kolkata, you might want to keep checking this space, Ganesh Talkies has a lot of surprises in store for November! :)

Searching For Nibbana, eh?

The beauty is in trying to find the order, the pattern that connects every single thought, every single moment to this giant tapestry that is life. I don't need hallucinogens to get me thinking. Man is supposedly the most superior developed creature here on earth, but why is it that despite coming such a long way; inventing, re-inventing and discovering so many things; pushing one's intellectual capacity to the maximum; fighting so many battles to gain freedom are we still not free. I was watching this movie called A L' Adventure and it really got me thinking about this whole pattered trap that has been set upon us by society. We eat at a particular time, sleep at a particular time, defecate at a particular time and even copulate at a particular time. So even though we can vote to choose the government and have equal rights and blah blah blah, are we truly free?

Even all these thoughts in our head have been planted by the "system" (let's call it that, makes talking about it easier that way!) and not just that, our emotions and our reactions fall under a pattern too and anybody who deviates, either by choice or by force is immediately labelled an outcast. A person who does not show pain when under immense physical trauma is called a madman. A person who laughs when somebody dies will probably be looked down upon as mentally retarded. But are they really? Or are they among some of the very few who have been able to break free from the chains that society has tied around our throats ever since the beginning of civilization of man?

I know that most people reading this will probably think of me as someone who is either on hallucinogens or probably has too much time in their hand to waste on such absurd thoughts. I's a common reaction. Why common? Because such reactions and defense mechanisms have been so deeply imbibed in each and every one of us that none of us are able to think beyond that at first. While I'm not of the opinion that everybody falls into this category, there may be a few exceptions here and there but sadly, most people lack the basic power to think beyond a set pattern. It's almost like their brains are computers which have only a few programs installed in them, anything beyond those will lead to a complete crash of the system.

So if we were to think beyond our smart-ass inventions and our basic life-skills, do any of us have the courage to even TRY to attain complete freedom, if it exists at all and has man's cognition really developed or are we just being fooled into believing that it has and no other species is as "developed" as man?

ps- There was an essay called 'Freedom; by George Bernard Shaw (for a radio series I think) that I read a couple of years back. Do read it and you'll get a clearer picture of what I'm really trying to get to. Also, here is the imdb link for A L' Adventure:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1235552/

ID-entity

You are not your fancy manicured and pedicured limbs.

You are not your Chanel dress.

You are not your leather boots.

You are not your money.

You are not your fancy college degree.

You are not your glitzy job.

You are not the commodities that you use.

Not your ego.

Not your superior social standing.

Not your lust.

Not your bizarre need to succeed.

Just your favourite worst enemy...

Bully

I see you as I pass by you.

You talk so big.

Talk so loud.

Trying to put other people down.

Just to bring yourself up, in your own eyes.

And I don't feel anger.

I don't feel hate.

Just sympathy, poor you.

You got no soul.

You got no rhythm.

You got nothing that sets you apart from the rest.

Just your bloated ego.

And your equally bloated sense of self worth.

I see you trying to act so smart.

Trying to make yourself feel so special.

Trying so hard to belong.

To feel appreciated.

Like you really are worth something.

But you never get what you want,

so you take it all out on someone else.

Someone not as crude as you.

Someone not as hateful as you.

Someone more at peace with themselves.

And not lacking compassion to this extent.

But you, you got no soul.

You got no rhythm.

You got nothing that sets you apart from the rest.

So sheltered and so protected.

So far removed from the dangers of reality.

But how long do you think the cover will remain?

When you die, not a single soul will come forward to cremate you

-Only the vultures, left to devour your lifeless body.

Nameless and faceless.

A faded memory of a ruffian, at best.

Is that what you really want of your life child?

Hop/Skip etc!

Skip, skip, skip to my Lou.

Either that, or anyone else will do.

skip skip, skip to my Lou

skip to my Lou my darling.

Lost my mind now,

what do I do?

Lost my mind,

now what should I do?

Lost my mind,

only for you.

Just skip to my Lou, my darling?

Maybe I'll get one,

just like you.

Baby, I'll get one,

better than you.

Whoops, I just got one

prettier than you.

So you skip to the Lou, my darling!

Skip skip skip to the Lou

yea, you skip skip skip to the Lou.

you can run, jump or hide too.

Just skip to the Lou, my darling...

Patterns Of The Past

No matter how hard it is to accept, but from the minute that you are born till the minute that you die, life follows a pattern. You are made to follow a pattern. You may think that you're evolving and you're maturing with time but you're not. Psychologists say that the period of 0-5 years of age is crucial for children as it molds them into a miniature version of what they'll turn out to be like as adults.

Quite obviously, I don't remember much about my childhood, except for a strange sense of detachment which I compensated by trying to make sense of pretty much whatever I saw around me. You may call it an overdose of inquisitiveness but I would say it was more of using my mind to take me to places which would cure the loneliness. I always somehow just knew that I was going to be my own best friend in my make-believe world. I don't think things have changed much since then, I'm still the same, trying to make sense of things, trying to figure out the order amid the disorder. The patterns keep coming back like the old rehashed jokes told by ageing contestants in comedy shows on TV these days.

My childhood is something that I am indebted to-I was exposed to a whole lot of good books, good music and raised in an atmosphere where intellect and intelligence highly sought after. The seeds were thus planted and I kept germinating them as I grew older.

I may come across as an adolescent at times-reckless and shallow, but that is only in the eyes of people who're judging me without actually knowing me. I remember reading the Gita back in high school and it changed my perspective on life and spirituality considerably. I am still an atheist, but yes, I have acquired the right to be so, because atheism isn't a fad for me like most others, I have read the Qu'uran and the Gita and trust me, both books, when you strip them down to the bone, talk about the same thing. But anyway, my views on religion are for another post.

Ever since I read the Gita, there were two particular shloks that I just knew that I had to keep with me at all times like a talisman, so I got them tattooed across my back, like protective incantations but as usual, the outside world perceived it to be a show-they cheapened the purpose by thinking of it as self-ornamentation. Again, this too fell just into the pattern. When I was younger, kids in school respected me but hated me at the same time for always managing to fare well overall and thus be the blue-eyed girl among the teachers. They called me names behind my back but shared their tiffin with me everyday during recess. I know for a fact that in the future too, no matter what I do or say, maybe in my workplace or maybe in college itself, I will receive a lot of flak. But somehow it doesn't bother me anymore. A vaccination injects the germs into your body so that your body can develop defense mechanisms to fight it off, my brain too, has developed immunity to certain such social viruses and I am no longer afraid.

My mind would bother me a lot as I was growing up. The constant and the nagging feeling of not really belonging with the people of my age depressed the hell out of me. I constantly felt like an outsider amid the girls and boys of my age who kept themselves or rather keep themselves engulfed in mindless activities and trivialize their lives by constantly thinking and talking about either other people or insignificant things, thus wasting their ability to think and do something constructive with it-a power that only humans, among all other living beings possess.

But time is the greatest teacher there ever is, it taught me to let go of all my reservations and all my apprehensions and just do my own thing, feel what I want to feel and think what I want to think-without some external factor influencing them.

They say you have to be reborn 7 times before you can achieve the ultimate enlightenment-nibbana and break free from the cycle of life and death. According to Buddhist scriptures, if you're a woman, then nirvana is not for you, the best you can hope and "pray" for is to be reborn as a man in your next birth and then complete the cycle. But you know what, I'm not going to fall for crap like that. For me, this is the ultimate life that I am living and when I die, my soul dies with me and it's not going to come back. Also, what is nirvana but a state of mind? Don't get me wrong when I say that, I don't mean that one can attain salvation by resorting to psychotropic drugs. But I believe that nirvana is very much achievable, you just have to set your mind to it and focus.

I know I will find my salvation someday, in this life that too.

The pattern shall be broken.

All In One-type post

I know it's been a while since I last sat down and typed something out here, my apologies. I won't say crap like how I've been very busy and la la la, but the truth is that I have REALLY bad time management skills.

I used to hear that it's lonely on top and boy, is that right or what! I turned 20 with a bang, ended my adolescence in the most irresponsible way possible, but I guess growing old doesn't mean that the streak of eccentricity will go away. It's somehow very comforting to know that.

Anyway, last week taught me that just because I'm only 20 and probably one of the very few, people will put me under a microscope and try to bring out my flaws, but I shouldn't let them. It's not everyday when musicians old enough to be your grandfather and your father tell you that you're on the right path and that you should keep at it, since they don't give such timeless advice to any plain Jane wannabe either, I think I should take them seriously and really, I mean REALLY give music a serious thought!

But on the flip-side, I'm taking a huge risk here as well. Let's face it, I have no life whatsoever since I'm constantly on work mode. I wake up, only to go to college, then head to practise from there. I get back home, work on my own music, practise, read a book or procrastinate and then go to sleep, this happens for about 5 times a week, and for the other two days, it's almost the same, except I have a gig at night, after which I get back home and fall back into the cycle once again.

I see people my age in amateur bands have fun, who have so much time for themselves and have such seemingly eventful lives and I can't help but wonder whether or not I am in fact missing out on anything. But I guess I'll never know, cause I will always be a few steps too ahead for others to catch up. It's the price that I have to pay for having the spotlight all to myself.

Boyfriend and I had this crazy theory that it's very hard to stay here in Kolkata, make music and be in a relationship with someone who is not a fellow musician (!) but with time, I realise that somehow it's true. I'm not talking about jokers who're think they're musicians, but the true gems, the kind of life that one has to lead is not all that glamorous. Once they get off of that stage, only some of us know what they really are. Their stories are quite alike horror stories. The mere thought of living their lives gives me the creeps.

Maybe things will change one day and we will be at par with the others, but the way things are going thanks to this new government, I doubt it'd be anytime soon. I mean, c'mon you were voted to power to do something constructive for the state, not pocket the public's wealth. Old party, new party. New dog, old dog. Good dog, bad dog, they're all the same really! None of them give a shit. Like a chain that is being passed down generations after generation, the process and effects of corruption are continual.

But even more appalling is how uneducated the youth today really are. Like brain dead zombies, they all know their abc's and their 123's but the truth is none of them are able to THINK about anything that they haven't been taught in school/college. I fail to realise how lack of knowledge can ever be a "cool" thing. They may score a cent percent in their exam , but try to strike up a conversation with them about anything apart from the latest gossip and see how miserably they fail.

"I don't read books.

I listen to limited music.

I like to conform to societal pressure.

I don't read the newspaper.

I don't like to explore, think new things

Hell, I don't even like to think

I think it's cool to hate those who do"

-this sort of (though arbitrary) sums up the general attitude of my "generation".

But you know what, I'm not going to crib, I belong to that group of people who will use this as an opportunity to move past all others and leave a mark.

A lot of people, most infact, seem to hate Lady GaGa, but the more I think of her, the more she seems to inspire me. She's this fucking goddess, who has let go of everything, shed all her inhibitions and is being herself every second of her life without worrying about what society feels about her. Her songs may be shallow and "too pop-ish" to a lot of people, but I think they're being judgmental and prejudiced-which is EXACTLY what Lady Gaga speaks out against. So the next time you listen to the song 'Born This Way' by Lady GaGa, please listen without prejudice and think, really think, about what she's really trying to tell you. If you STILL don't get it, then you're a dunce who probably never will, clinging too hard to all your morals and all your pre-conceived notions.

So I think she's not just a pop-star gyrating in her videos, I think she's a true artist. If you think I'm a fool for saying this about her and not some band screeching/growling/whatever their lungs out uselessly, then it's not really my problem now, is it? Atleast I don't judge music on the basis of genre, so who's the bigger fool?

Till then, peace ahoy!

:)

The Middle and The Subsequent Extreme.

Scrub the floors.

Scrub them real hard.

Make sure that no stains catch my eye once the deed is done.

Otherwise I am going to unleash all my fury.

Raise hell.

And what not.

Shifting shape.

Talking in tongue.

Is who you are,

not what you've become!

Bleak Paintings.

We're all wasting away my friend, wasting away, fading into oblivion with each passing minute.

Will you please hold my hand while I barf at the thought?

I'm growing old. I'm becoming senile. Overtly critical about myself. Pessimistic. Indifferent. I'm trying to run away from the ennui that has permanently set up camp in my head, but only in vain.

Is this a sneak peak into what life as an adult (read old person) is like?

Or have I been sober for too damn long?

(sorry, the pic has nothing to do with my post. Since I'm posting a whole lotta crap for you to read anyway, the least I can do is add some colour to it!)