Not All Posts Have To Be Named!

The morning after you left, I wondered what had gone wrong, so horribly wrong that you swore you'd never see my face again. Was it because of my strong belief in karma or was it because I was light years ahead of you and you just couldn't keep up with me? 

Never before has anybody made me feel as shallow as you have. Never before have I felt the need to bring myself down just like this to be at par with you. Yet, never before have I been so irrevocably in love.

You bring me down. I climb back up again. You push me away. I crawl back again. You hurt me. I recover. You hit me. I heal.

But how much longer?

Quoting Cohen

"I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah, 

Hallelujah..."
                                      -Leonard Cohen

There was a time when everything was so perfect. Like it was all meant to be. Like we were meant to be. But now we're up against the whole world.

Your love is a venom that is killing me, softly, each day. You're poisoning me. You're suffocating me. I cannot let go of you.

I cannot look into your eyes without doubting myself anymore. I cannot breathe. I cannot feel. Your love is burning me. Your love is making me lose myself.

There was a time when we thought that this would last forever. It was meant to be. But we were not. But look at us now, wasting away in each other's arms. We're too scared to let go.

Will there be a new tomorrow?

Fuck.

Yes, I am cheap and have no qualms about expressing and exhibiting my vulgarity in cyberspace.

Avoid.
The void.
Are you horny yet, my love?

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Stop.
Get on top.
Let me ride you, my love.

Let's fuck.
Let's fuck.
Let's fuck till I'm sore.
Let's fuck till we can no more.

Do you love me yet?

Run

The look in your eyes,
makes me want to cry.
I can never face you again.
I'm ashamed.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've let you down.
I've caused grief, profound.
I can never bring the smile back on your face.
Memories, I can never replace.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.

I've made you cry.
I've made you want to die.
I can never kiss you again.
I can't take away the pain.

Run.
Run away.
Run away from me.
Set me free.

We Didn't Start The Fire/ It Was Always Burning,Since The World's Been Turning!

To say that I was never selfish before and have turned into so would be quite absurd. Let's face it, I have always been the scheming one. The one who ALWAYS gets her way. The one who is obsessed with winning and the one whose ego is more inflated than the gas prices today!


You came.
It was a sultry summer afternoon.
Your face.
Reminded me of what I was before.
Your eyes.
Longed for me and I could tell.
So I kissed you and I kissed you well.

Your hands.
Reached for me when they should have.
Your voice.
whispered sweet nothings into my ears.
You.
Wanted me so bad and so did I.
But is this the start or is this goodbye?

On Sex

Little Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! is who you would quintessentially call a lusty slut. Despite the fact that she was in love with Mr.Right, who gave her pretty much everything that she wanted, she was not satisfied. She craved for more. She felt the need to experience more pleasure and more pain than what she had been experiencing lately. She needed to satisfy not just the body, but the soul.

Everything seemed mundane in Miss What's-Her-Name-Again?! 's life till Mr. What's-His-Name-Again?! decided to proposition with with an offer she could not refuse.

They started to kiss, just like old times...more like old time,but still. They kissed like it was their last day here on earth. Moments passed and with each passing moment, off came pieces of clothing.
They felt no shame in what they did. They were no Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, biting into their apple of Sodom. They were two human beings who believed that there was a possibility of love and lust being two independent theories, on which human actions are often based.
They wanted to have sex, not to express love but to fulfill bodily pleasures. Pleasures of the mind. They longed to stretch the dimensions of pleasure and take it to a whole new level.

Suddenly, he was doing all the things that she wanted him to do. She was using her tongue not just to talk but to do better things-to ensure that it would be a day he would never forget.

Hours went by. They rolled. They fucked. He got on top of her. She rode him. Beads of sweat dripped down their naked bodies. Their craving for each other did not. He left. She turned the other way. It was like a road trip that come to end, very unfortunately.

Time forgotten or moments which repeat themselves often?
Who knows!

I'm not Afraid

I am not afraid,
to let you hold me.
to let you unfold me.

I am not afraid,
to be your muse.
or your refuse.

I am afraid,
to fall in love with you.

rando(o)m

'When there's will, there's way.'
You say.
But don't you know
You've got nowhere to go?

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.


You come running back to me.
When she sets you free.
Yet you worship her.
To you it never does occur,

She doesn't love you like I did.
She doesn't love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.

Someday she'll go away
Into a new place, into a new day
who's gonna build you up again?
who's gonna help you cry away the pain?

She can never love you like I did.
She can never love you like I could have.
Pick me, pick me please.
Before it's too late...

What I Do Best.

I am doing what I do best. Falling in love.
Yes, I am in love yet again, with Anthony Kiedis (go wiki him, if you don't know who I am talking about, you fool!)....Had picked up a second hand copy of his book 'Scar Tissue' from an obscure stall at the bookfair this year, but little did I know that it would fuck me up this bad.

However, I am not in love in the typical mush-infested way, it's just that he inspires me to write, to go ahead and finish those compositions and to believe in myself. It's okay to be randomly retarded. It's FUN to be randomly retarded. I am randomly retarded and so is he and look at where he is today!

Things have been progressing well (touch wood!) on the music front, I am starting to get over my shattered self-esteem, which seemed to have been hampering my ability to try new things, thus hampering my progress. But thanks to Kiedis, I am now OD-ing on RHCP, which seems to be a sure shot sign of a rapid increase in the bitch-gone-crazy side of me.

But lately, I have been feeling rather disconnected from people and I know that the problem lies in me. The thing is that I expect too much from people. I expect my parents to agree to whatever I say. I expect my boyfriend to understand me at all times. I expect my friends to be there for me 24*7...This not only causes friction in my social relationships, but it also makes me feel cruel, selfish and like a no-gooder.
I have been trying to deal with this the whole week, but it just does not seem to be working.
It's like my vicious cycle with the herbs years back. The more I'd try and tell myself to abstain, the more I'd lie to myself and go down the forbidden road, assuring myself that I am in-charge of my life and have the right to do whatever I want to.

On the brighter side of things, this term break has given me a lot more than I could ask for.

1. I have read and read and read. This has helped me clear my conscience, which was bugging me for becoming too shallow and Barbieish.
2. I have realised who my true friends are and who are the ones who fake it.
3. The report card, which was a pleasant surprise for a change, has inspired me to STUDY in class 12, get into a good college and then have the time of my life.
4. Music. Music. Music. i have rediscovered the joys of listening to Coldplay, Oasis,John Mayer and U2, for which I AM thankful.
5. Last but not the least, thanks to the term break and the sense of utter joblessness that comes with it, I have realized that there's more to life than constantly being surrounded by people. Being alone is SO much better when you have to do some serious self-analysis ad some self-discovery.

The deeper I look with me, the more I realize who I am and what I want from life, which helps a great deal when your mind is acting as an entity of it's own and showing you things that you DO NOT want to see.
I have come to terms with the things that I have, I things that I don't, the things I can have and the things that I can't. I have also come to terms with who I am. Yes, I am liberal, bisexual, irresponsible, mildly bipolar and have a constant craving for excesses. But hey, that's who I am and I love myself more than all else on earth, so come what may, I refuse to change myself!

WHAT MY BELLY BUTTON SAYS ABOUT ME~
:D

You Are Popular

You are bold, outgoing, and totally together. You live with passion, and you have rich life because of it. It is likely that you will only have one child. If you have more children than that, it may be hard to conceive. You are easily effected by the world around you. You are emotional and even a bit moody. You are a bit lazy. You sometimes don't shower or brush your teeth all day. You are wilder than most people, even if you don't feel all that wild. And you're a total show off.

What Does Your Belly Button Say About You?

A Love Story.

She walks down the road, yet again.
It is empty, nearly as empty as my heart.
I watch her walk down that road, yet again.
I turn away this time.

I'm not going to ask her to stop, anymore.
I'm not going to hold her hand, ever again.
I'm not going to forget her, ever.

She would remind me of the summer sun.
But not anymore, it burns too bright now.
She bites into me, I let her.

I let her hold me.
I let her unfold me.
I let her learn how to love me.
I let her be me, but never again.

She closes her eyes, I look away.
It is more painful than I thought it would be.
I watch, nevertheless.

I watch, as they hover over her pretty little head.
I watch, as they tear her to pieces.
I watch, as they devour her.
I watch, as she fades away,into the void.
I watch, as they throw away her mutilated body.

I had warned her.
The bitch did not listen.

For A Minute There, I Lost Myself...

I clearly have issues. I rely too much on others to make me happy, instead of looking for my own happiness.
I am jealous of everybody else's success. Yes i am, no matter how well I may hide that, trust me, deep down within, all i want to do is kick,scream,shout and curse.
I have had a far too isolated childhood and a far too abnormally complicated adolescence, so i really do think that i deserve a whole lot more than what i am getting now.

I have a clean karma and I feel that comparing myself with a slum dweller will NOT make me feel fortunate and grateful to "god", it will only make me feel shallow and guilty for not having an aorta of compassion in me whatsoever.

Which brings me to my next point, I am 17 and I have NO idea who I am or who I want to be. I lack ambition, majorly.
I'm a quitter. I give up at the drop of a hat. I lack the spirit to fight and my attention span would put any 5-year old to shame.

There are so many things that I have to, that i need to change about myself.
But if I do, will I still be me?
If so, who will I be?


But first and foremost, who am I?
Think you can tell me?!

Hate is a strong word but it fits this post Perfectly!

My self-confidence is at an all-time low thanks to a few individuals who have messed me up completely.
It's 'Women's Day' today, today is the day that we, as women, feel proud of our emancipation, our freedom from male domination and our ability to be ourselves regardless of what others think.
But to tell you the truth my friend, all that is nothing but bullshit.
In reality, all our actions and reactions are strongly based on what society expects from us.
We don't have the right to be at par with boys, they're too chauvinistic to let us.
They're too full of themselves to even care.

I hate you S for robbing me of my innocence.
I hate you Z for convincing me that i am a slut.
I hate you P , you're nothing but a coward, a chutiya and a wannabe.
I hate you R for never being by my side when I needed you.
I hate you G for always letting me down.
I hate you W for getting into that stupid accident which took you away from me.
I hate you S, for loving me so much that it changes who I am.

I hate all of you. I hate how you've filled me with false hopes and high expectations.
I hate you for making me shed tears, which were clearly not worth it.
I hate you.
Thanks to you, I have started to hate myself as well.



I don't deserve all this, do I?

Big City Life and Other Demons

Urban thoughts. Urban dreams. Urban forms of expression.
Grass.Crass.Carcass:

(I value my intellect. I also value my ability to do the stupidest things on earth at times, like for instance blogging at 4:30 am, when i have an exam the next day! I value my ideals. I value what i have and I value the constant need for all that i don't. I value my friends and family. But above all i value my individuality and i value who I am today.)

Don't fuck with me. Don't think you can get away with it. Don't think that you can fuck me up. I have been down that road too many times to start caring anyway.
I am full of myself, i admit. But there is more to me than what meets the eye.

I can be your dream.
I can be your worst nightmare.
I can be as gentle as an autumn breeze.
I can be as fiery as the summer sun.
I can bring you to your knees.
I can raise you as high up as the sky.
I am all that you've ever wanted.
I am all that you wish you never had.
I can intoxicate you.
I can drive you crazy.
I could kill you with my charm.
I could die a thousand deaths for you.

Fuck me, but don't fuck with me. I'll fuck you too.
I'll let you be my hero. I'll let you learn how to read me.

I am every woman, strong and powerful.
I am every woman, facing her demons alone.
I am every woman, i give you life, and hope.

I am every woman.
I AM THE DESTROYER, THE PRESERVER AND THE CREATOR.
I AM LIFE.
I AM DEATH.
I AM GOD.
Worship me!

Observations: School

School life is supposed to be one of the most fulfilling phases in one's life right? Well, yes it is, unless you got to my school, which in one word can be described as HELL.
But anyway, today was my last official working day in Class Eleven, so here's a post dedicated to my observations of my classmates and my school:

• Most people are ugly and selfish, layers of kajal and lip gloss cannot hide that!
• Apart from a few, my class is dumb enough not to know the meaning of 'vote bank', i kid you not!!
• Political Science is logical and interesting. But some idiots lack the common sense to answer questions based on observation, they fail to do so EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
• The minute i get to school, I wish I could go back home..."Home is where the heart is..."
• I have a strange craving for nicotine and caffeine when i'm in school, something that i normally may not have..
• Most people are rampant cheaters. They've always cheated in everything in life, yet somehow evil always prevails over good. They never get caught!
• The cheaters and the manipulators always go far ahead in life, the honest ones do not. life is unfair, you just HAVE to accept that and move on...
• Nobody actually gives a fuck, Most only PRETEND to do so, the rest are not as good when it comes to acting, so thankfully, they don't even try!
• Thin is in. Being narrow-minded is in. Ignorance tops the list though!
• Being loud, obnoxious and bitchy does attract a lot of attention but if someone is smart, then he/she will understand how empty and shallow you actually are. It's just that my class, with it's below-average intellect fails to do so!
• There is a picture of 'Jai HanumanJi Ki' in our classroom, right above the greenboard...why?!
  

Deep Inside of You: Third Eye Blind

I feel very deeply for music. It has been a wonderful companion to me almost all my life (or whatever bit of life i have experienced so far!). Unlike most people or things, it's something that remains with you. My love for it is like an ever shining star~it shall burn for me till the day that i die, and if i am fortunate enough to compose at least one piece before i die, I'd consider myself to be very lucky!

But today, which started out as any other ordinary day went on to become the day I would finally come to terms with a lot of things that I never thought I would:
(I'm going to be a good CBSE student now and put down my observations in point form!)

1. One of the main reason why I'm so friggin' OBSESSED with music is probably because I have a whole palette of memories associated with each song that i listen to.
Association kills the joy in being able to carefully scrutinize a song, but hey what the hell, who cares about the technicalities anyway?!

This theory probably does stand true in my case because i thought of why i love Nirvana so much today, and i realized that i have a thread of inter-connected memories that i associate with Nirvana. To me, Nirvana is not just about the music, but that whole phase in my life, when i spent every single day listening to their albums continuously, amidst all the camaraderie!

Also, the fact that i felt connected to Kurt's lyrics acted as an added incentive to do all that i really did and all think that i really thought.

The same...pretty much...goes for The Doors, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden and Radiohead as well.


2. Though i hate to admit this, but as a kid, I was madly in love with the Backstreet Boys and a part of me still is. My life in the mid 1990's were all about innocence, i was innocent. I did not know of the cruel ways of the world. The Backstreet Boys' music was innocent and young, it was devoid of any underlying complications...just like my life back then. Sweet. Upbeat. Happy. Maybe a little stupid, but very cute.


3. Most boys would like to have sex with me, at least the ones who know me and have met me in flesh and blood. They think of me as a 'readily available slut who you can diddle whenever you want to'. I have come to terms with that and "quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"

Yes, i have been through a crazy-hormonal period when I've felt the need to get laid by boys and i so have. I don't see anything wrong with having sex with a male friend if you're not going out with anyone. Sex is not just about love, all that is just crap that Hindi movies show to make money! Sex is a bodily function and if you label me as a slut just because i enjoy good sex and have no qualms in talking about it, then that really isn't my problem now, is it?!

Yes by the way, this was when i was introduced to Led Zeppelin.


4. No matter how many people i may surround myself with, at the end of the day, I'm still alone as hell and nobody really can understand me completely. Nobody knows me better than I know myself and when people say that they know better than I know myself, i feel like spitting on/ blowing smoke in their face!

This attitude was heavily influenced by punk/alternative stuff like Marilyn Manson, Greenday, Blink 182 and the like...


5. Sappy pop songs STILL hold a very special place in my heart. I mean c'mon, how many of us haven't really fallen for stuff like 'I'm Like A Bird' by Nelly Furtado?! (it's currently playing on my music player, hence the mention...:)

This brings me to yet another self-discovery, no matter how bitchy/mean/slutty/cool/liberal/rational and practical i may think myself to be, at the end of the day, I'm still soft under all those intelligent layers which try to cover up this fact!


6. Last but the definitely not the least:
Music was something that was imbibed in me when i was a toddler, by my parents, for which I'm deeply indebted to them.
All those afternoons of Rabindrasnageet actually did help a lot in getting to know the feel of music.

Rabindrasangeet/Baul/Indian Classical/Western Classical opened new doors for me, to a world which excited me and let me continue to explore deep within it, even after all these years and so just like little Alice, I too took a journey down the rabbit hole and the experience not only changed my life but made me who I am today!

"If music be the fruit of love, play on..."

I'm sad. I need to cry. Now.

I need to get out all the emotions that are currently bottled up tightly inside of me. I really don't know what(or is it how?) to feel anymore...There's a constant feeling of helplessness that lurks all around me. It's killing me, slow and steady.

My heart feels like stone, there is a sinking feeling in my stomach and my brain is torturing me on purpose by flashing random memories that are brimming my eyes with tears~of sadness and not of joy.

I hate feeling this way, i want to cry and more importantly, i want to end the pain that i am being subjected to mercilessly...
I hate this sinking and throbbing feeling of utter helplessness...

I need a hug, and some assurance that all will be well, is that too much to ask for?!

Terribly Flawed!

Though I've done a lot of awful things in life, deep down within, I STILL believe that I'm a good person.
So I spend hours in front of the mirror, paying very close attention to what I look like.
But you never seem to notice, am I THAT ugly?!