Saving Grace

There is a boy, I like it when we talk about the universe and stuff. 

I like it when we walk around town, hand in hand in the cool winter evenings.

I like it when we play our drunken games,

I like the way we kiss. 

But I am unable to give him my heart.

He'll leave when it's time and I know the exact drill by now.

It's strange how much this year has changed me, the walls are up and I don't have the strength to break them down on my own anymore.

If you wait, my little boy, I will give you my all.

Now is not the time, I need you to be a little more patient with me.

The universe has always given me signs, it has always made things right.

So what is it that I'm supposed to do now?!

Warpaint

And after he's gone I carefully examine myself in the mirror. I don't know where all the marks are from.

Was it him, or him, or him? 

Three too many. 

"Well done S, your studliness, even though just for a night, is infinite." 

It's a sort of poetic justice to end up ultimately, after all that fooling around, to end up with an old lover. There is a strange familiarity as we explore each other's bodies. I don't mind the feeling of comfort, I don't mind it at all. I check to see what time it is, there's still a while before we have to run back to our own lives. The night was long and the morning doesn't make me feel terrible about myself. I think about someone I clearly shouldn't be thinking about. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
So I go back to sleep. I find it rather amusing that my aversion to cuddling is starting to fade away the older I grow.

Love, unlove.
Learn, unlearn.

There is retribution in knowing that spotting him in a crowd of thousands means nothing to me at all. I don't tumble, I don't fall. I don't give him a second glance. He's just another one to me now. I don't feel the need to venture out into the plebeian world, hoping to bump into him. I get a lot of love because I give a lot of love. There is a strange sense of calm, there is a strange sense of closure. Although this was not what I wanted, but I'll take whatever I can get at this point just so I can move on.

He may be a star and everything fancy.

But I'm no riffraff either. 

It's ironic that I get the things he so badly craves for, without even asking. 

As I sing my songs, I sing them for the people and I sing them for myself. My life has always been full of adventures and misadventures and he's just one of the many blurry faces that, quite frankly, don't deserve my validation.

Time changes everything. 

The universe works in mysterious ways indeed. 

How much grief can a heart hold, till it ruptures? 

Soul

I feel good every time it rains during the pujas.

A gentle reminder that you were around, if only for a while

As I sink deeper into this abyss, I wonder if this is what a breakdown feels like. If this really is one.

Everything seems so crystal clear in my head. The detachment no longer feels painful. The indifference barely hurts, like a scab it slowly heals.

The near is soon.

Zen is painful.

STYGGO

The Dandys play on loop.

I'm trying very hard not to think about you because every time I do, it breaks me.

So I wait.

Then I wait some more, for this pain to pass.

My mourning may be consistent but so is your indifference.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck your kisses and your general coolth. 

"Some things you gotta get over" I guess. 

Saudade

I'd promised myself that I wouldn't do lines.

But I don't want to go back to my hotel.

It's the exact same fucking room where I spent an entire night making love to someone.

I say love because we did not fuck that night.

He held my hand, he kissed me, he told me his stories.

He loved me till the break of dawn and he left.

There's a what's-his-face excitedly chatting me up.

But he doesn't interest me.

None of them do, anymore.

I don't have the strength to spend the night alone this time and neither do I want to invite someone only whose body I want to use to pass the time.

So I keep doing it till it's broad daylight outside and I have to head to the airport.

The alcohol numbs pain, or maybe the drugs.

At this point I don't care anymore.

Falling down is not a problem,

Getting back up is.

On some days I run around, happy like a child.

Some I spend in bed, rewinding all the events of these last few years in my head.

I haven't thought about this man for a long time and yet somehow once the alcohol's taken over, I do.

But I let my bruised sense of self overpower my longing.

You have to come to me, I'm back inside my shell and my walls are up again.

If not then it really isn't worth my time.

Or my faith.

You live, you learn. 

Bassinet

My pride, my instinct.

I don't want your validation.

I don't want your adoration.

My demons, my dreams.

I don't want your company.

I don't want your attention.

I can be your lover.

I cannot be your pet. 

Faith

My playlist has been the same for too long.

An unending loop.

So I've cleaned, I've cooked and I've done my laundry.

I've said goodbye to them all.

I can feel it all over again.

Maybe it is indeed time. 

I wish you wouldn't make me so desperate to join you.

But you were never the one to play fair. 

Let's Try This Again Later Sometime

I know how to cook a meal that doesn't involve the microwave.

I know how to clean, I know how to do my laundry.

I am learning about the universe, still, so that is probably a lifelong process.

I know how to read, I know how to write.

I know how to act perfectly domesticated.

I am still learning how much to give, how little to take. I am too young to have it all figured out.

And sometimes, all this learning, isn't such a good thing.

I find myself unable to let go of those who were never mine to begin with.

My heart is in knots.

I am unable to love.

I know how cowardly I am sometimes.

And yet, I don't want to change.

It's been a quarter of a century, I should know by now that I can't always have it all. 

Your hands remind me of a piano player I once knew.

It's magic when you run your fingers over my skin.

But you played me, oh you played me so well. 

Doctors and dancers, 

Scruffy cheeks and hearty smiles.

Some smell like men, some want to fornicate like animals.

I don't want any of them.

Please go fuck yourself. 

You don't know me, you don't want to.

Please go fuck yourself. 

Post Its for Lovers

I only ask for your love and your company.

You don't have to shower me with attention,

Validation,

Gifts and other such spectacles.

Ravage my body as much as you want.

But be gentle when you break my heart.

I am an object of love, lust and yearning.

Don't bring out the monsters inside of me.

Float

I don't think I can do it anymore,

Stay afloat.

The ocean is deep and I don't know how to swim.

I should have taken those swimming lessons when I had the chance.

Piano too.

But they don't teach you the important things in school.

The thin line that separates;

Insanity and satiation,

Love and consent.

The cat downstairs needs to be fed.

The sheets have to be washed, changed.

The adventures never really stop, there is always only a brief pause. 

I am my own life jacket, you don't really have to save me. 

I got my legs wrapped around your head.

Kiss me, taste me.

Do you feel the rush yet?

I got my heart locked inside a cage.

Or maybe it doesn't exist anymore.

He took it with him when he left. 

Made For Love

It's a scene I know only too well.

Familiar faces, slightly blurry and drunk.

Beautiful songs, the guitars ring well into dawn.

The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders.

And all the pain disappears for a second.

Not mine, but I'm home.

Celibacy

My brain is imploding.

I kiss him and I feel nothing.

Nothing at all.

I don't know what's happening anymore.

Maybe if I stop thinking about him for a minute it'll all go away.

I can't get him out of my head.

And the mouth I kiss feels unfamiliar, it doesn't comfort me.

I could fuck, like a sporting event and get it done with.

But my body is weary and my heart is not in it.

I think it's a classic case of too much too soon.

Again, I don't know how I feel and I don't know what I want anymore.

If not him then no one.

None of it will matter a year later and yet right now I'm trapped in such deep nostalgia of only beautiful memories that I overlook all the ugly.

If not him, then no one.

I stand alone.

Quarter

The universe really does work in mysterious ways. I was craving to spend my 25th birthday away from friends, family and the familiarity of home. I was dying to get out of my comfort zone and travel; go somewhere, go anywhere. But being broke by choice means you have to forgo certain privileges and luxuries.

Anyway, I was running away all this while. Running so far away from my demons and yet they kept catching up. I didn't understand why. 

So I did what I had to, believe.

Have faith that fate would show me the way and somehow, in its own way, it did.

It's never easy to break out of a cycle of mindlessness and debauchery. So this time it was just the opposite.

I live for stories, I live for memories. I think that's one of the most important reasons I create and I play music.

These last two days were meeting some beautiful new people; wonderful conversation about life, love, magic, spirituality, sex and meeting a beautiful soul who showed me around town on her scooty on my birthday. It's strange how magical sobriety felt. 

This was the first time in a long, long time that I did not crave for drugs, sex or rock amd roll. I wanted to find myself, I wanted closure. I wanted to move on from everything that I've gone through these last few years.

My well-wishers are many, I feel lucky to be alive and I feel lucky to receive so much love from those around me. Maybe it's not the kind of love I have been craving for lately but it's overwhelming neverthless.

I don't know if I'll ever get him to want me, make love to me again. But I know now that it's alright if he's fallen out of love. It's perfectly alright that he doesn't want me. He probably never did. It does not mean that there is something wrong with me, like I am damaged goods of some sort. It only means that I will have to wait for the best damn thing which I know the universe will give me very soon. I can feel it, it's going to come.

In the meantime I will go back to tryinh to be the best version of myself again. I was starting to give up but I know now that the world doesn't owe me anything. I can only give, I can only love. 

I trust you, universe.

I believe in you.

Faith/fate.