Lovesong

I love you more than I love myself.

But I lie so well.

I lie so well.

And I don't know how to make it stop.

I need you more than I need myself.

But I lie so well.

Oh, I lie so well.

And I've managed to fool everybody.

I want you.

I want to be with you.

I want you to want me.

One more time.

Just to refresh the memory.

I've been obsessing about you for far too long.

But I never had you.

You never gave yourself to me completely.

I'm tired of waiting for you to come back.

I need to move on now.

I need to crawl back into my shell.

And only come out when I start my next life...

Big Long Now

What charm.
What grace.
What a man.
What a mighty good man.
But let me open your can of worms tonight, please.

Lay down beside me like you did so many years ago.
Whisper all those marvelous things into my ear.
Make me nervous.
Make me beg.
But most importantly, don't come before I do...

Self Service

I admire people who can successfully get off  on their own. A lot of people find it appalling, but I, for one am quite jealous of those who can pleasure themselves, climax without being dependent on someone else. Human beings have this constant need to be in a group or with someone else.
We eat, for ourselves.
We shit, for ourselves.
So why can't we masturbate to please ourselves? What is so abnormal about it?

What is abnormal, is the constant need to molest and rape.
What is abnormal, is pedophilia.
What is abnormal, is how people are okay with rape but not with masturbation in this country.

I wish I was asexual sometimes. That is how I am expected to portray myself infront of others anyway. Or else I might just get raped. Again!

Secrets

I swore to myself that I'd stay off the glue.
And never think of all those days.
Dark days.
Promiscuous misadventures.
Painting the town red.
Waking up in the morning with no recollection of the previous night.

....what a life that was...

Queer As...

When sleeping forever seems like a distant dream, I go back to my chemically induced thoughts and ideas.
Everything works in a loop and I'm just a shadow of who I used to be.
The shadow keeps getting faint.
So transparent.

I hate dreaming, it only leads to heartbreak.
And pain.
Agony.

Happy new year to me.
Another year gone by, reminding me of what a failure I am.
I've failed.
At pretty much everything I have tried to do.
And it's because I don't love myself enough.
I don't think of myself as someone worthy of happiness.

I've been a bad person.
I will continue to be so.
But I've also been a good person sometimes.
Many times.
Where did that get me?

Fuck you for trying to bring me down.
Fuck you for making me feel like dirt.
Fuck you for corrupting my notions of love and life.
Fuck you for ruining my life.

It still hurts.
Just like the first time.
Another year gone by but the memories haven't  faded yet.

Innocent kisses.
The feeling of helplessness.
False bravado.
Secret tears.
Semen.
Semen.
Semen.
And most importantly, so much pain...

I'm so tired of the hurt that memories still cause.
I'm tired of putting up a brave face everyday and going about pretending like nothing's wrong.
I'm so tired of resorting to other people and other things to make everything better.
I'm just so tired.
I wish I could go to bed tonight and never wake up....I wish I could sleep forever....

Pimri

I miss people who don't even exist anymore.
I miss their company.
I miss his company to be more specific.

People would say that I am still mourning his death.
I hope I am too.
I want to move on so badly but I just can't seem to get myself to do so.

I close my eyes and there he is, smiling at me, comforting me.
I can hear his soft, soothing voice.
I can feel him.
But I know that he's not here, he never will be here for me anymore.

There won't be anymore dirty secrets to keep.
There won't be anymore life-changing conversations.
There won't be anymore innocent confessions of love.
There won't be anymore afternoons of lust.
And bliss.
And pain.
And momentary togetherness.

It's not him that's dead but a part of me that's gone. Forever.

I feel so incredibly disillusioned these days.
I contemplate suicide from time to time knowing fully well that I am not as selfish as him, I can never be.
I care about my parents too much.
It would be heartbreaking to put them through so much pain.
And honestly, that's the only thing that stops me from killing myself.

It's so painful to live everyday feeling so dead inside.
I have nothing to look forward to, no dreams, no aspirations and no hope.
I don't know why but I've given up.

This mundane middle-class, mindless existence tires me so so much.
I don't want better things in life.
I don't want love.
I don't want happiness.

I just want to make an exit and hopefully never return, is that too much to ask for?

"tor bari giye bhoot kore asbo..and finish that long,forsaken desire"

 I love you too . I really do. There, I've said it!

Chemical Burns

I took a step back.
I took two steps back.
I took three steps back.
And I reached the exact same spot that I had started from.

He watched as I made one mistake after another.
He did not say a word.
He enjoyed the spectacle.
He'd never stop saying things that would make me doubt myself.

I bled.
I bled.
I bled.
As I lay on the floor, thinking that I was probably dying.

Big, strong words.
Big, strong hands.
Tiny sense of self.

You put me under your spell.
Oh, you played the game so darn well.
But I was too young to comprehend what the consequences would be.

What a mess.
What a mess.
What a mess.
I had to clean it all up.

you...

I wish I could take back everything I've felt and thought about you just to start all over again.

You,  you've looked into my soul.
Tell me, what was it like?
How is it like on the other side?
Is it worth all this trouble?

I would have kept everything aside like always and helped you get through the mess.
I did it before and would have done it again.
Wasn't that the deal?

You said you loved me, but did you not think of me even once before you decided to give up?

I'm sorry I couldn't understand the things you told me, but I understand now.
I understand every word.
I understand how sincere you were while I wrote all our conversations and moments off.

I feel guilty and quite frankly ashamed of myself.
Perhaps I wasn't there as much as I should have.
I let my pride get in the way.
I let what others thought of you get in the way.
I'm sorry.
I didn't reciprocate to your feelings even though I perhaps should have.
I'm sorry.

I'm trying so hard not to let you fade from my head.
I'm clinging on to the memories so tightly.
But I know they'll disappear completely one day.
All I'll have left with me will be your name.
A name and nothing more.

You were always wise beyond your years.
Maybe tomorrow, when I'm where you were once, I'll be able to understand why you did what you did.
I was the first.
I will be the first one to catch up with you again.

Dew. Overdue.

I've been putting this off for longer than I should. But it is time. There has been a routine which I have been following unintentionally for some time now. I wake up everyday, practise yoga for a while and the proceed to go about the things that usually follow during the day. But I end on the same note every night- smoke half a joint, contemplate in silence for a while and then go off to sleep. But starting my day trying to get a little closer to your inner self seems to work wonderfully. I'm more calm, less depressed and (almost) oblivious to all the things that go wrong during the course of the day. But the nights are still difficult to get past. I'm trying to work out a way to fix that too.

All's Well That (Supposedly) Ends Well.

Facing the monster was the stupidest thing I have done in ages. I have nobody to love/hate anymore. The little masochistic part of me has died, I quite miss it.

I go back to bed with an empty heart every night.

There's nobody I love to hate or hate to love anymore.

Indifference is more painful than anything that I have experienced so far.

Indifference is the real heartbreak, not sadness.

Desensitization.

Don't let what other people say about you define who you are.

Don't let the clothes that you wear define who you are.

Don't let the pattern of thoughts in your head define who you are.

Do not conform to authority.

Do not let anybody else make you feel inferior.

Do not blindly trust anybody but yourself.

Do not give in to the rules.

Do not give up your freedom.

Live life just the way you want to.

Be yourself without hesitation.

Fuck society.

I let other people punish me for things I haven't done wrong.
I let other people punish me for things they've done wrong.
But why?

Cause I'm wonderwoman.

"What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
This is killing me
This is killing me..."


- Black Star, Radiohead

Forever A Child

Acute depression is starting to creep in. I'm completely broke, neck-deep in work and my general tryst with ill-luck clings on to me as permanently as a tattoo.

I wish life were simpler at times. Adults are overtly-complicated, selfish and play games all the time just to stay on top.

I wish I were a child again. Maturity is overrated.

These few days have been so dull (rather months, maybe years?) that I've forgotten why I'm living this life anyway, to be a slave to the whims and fancies of others?

I would throw a fit about being taken for granted by others earlier, but I've gotten used to it now, it's the way the world works. I've never been the kind to ass-kiss, my ego does not permit me to do so. So I just sit in the corner and become the wallflower now.

It's a cruel world and nobody gives a fuck. As you grow up, you learn to live with it, maybe even become just like the others one day.

Growing up is overrated, dull and bad for the health.

Hey you and you and you

The human mind works in fascinating ways, but is psychology for real or are we just generalizing to make things easier for us to understand on a regular, almost cost effective basis?
Call me absurd, even dangerously opinionated, but do human beings really possess the ability to understand one another, let alone themselves? I'm not talking about the basic needs, workings and thoughts, I'm referring to that deeper connection.
Does it really exist or do we make these little things up to calm ourselves with the assurance that we're perhaps not alone?

It's a scary thought. The whole idea scares me to quite a bit. But it makes sense somehow, the whole process of life (which subsequently leads to death) is a very personal thing, there will be lots to keep you company and help you out, but at the end of the day, your life is your commodity, the most personal commodity you'll ever possess-nobody else can live it for you.

Everybody is with everybody else.
Everybody is alone.

Three-Tier, Non A/C by Ganesh Talkies

The auspicious date has been set.
The venue has been fixed.
'Three-Tier, Non A/C' is to happen soon, real soon, like a month left soon.
OhGod,the drama, the excitement and the enormity of it all is getting to me!

The EP will contain 4 songs ( well 3 songs and one bonus, just for the music critics). Neel Adhikari is  helping/has helped us out with the mixing/mastering/production/ideating etc. The EP features Bodhisattwa Ghosh, our saviour, on guitars and so far it's been quite a riot!

Ganesh Talkies is a 4 piece lineup at the moment (we're very VERY open to collaborations though) consisting of yours truly (songwriting, bare minimum guitar), Nabarun Bose (keyboard and vocals), Roheet Mukherjee (bass) and Arka Das (drums and management).
The music we play cannot quite be described because I don't think anybody has ever tried to do what we're attempting at the moment. So it's nerve-wreckingly scary yet exciting at the same time.
Here is the facebook page, you can 'like' it to stay in the loop cause I'm officially not allowed to give any details at the moment. https://www.facebook.com/GaneshTalkies


Something tells me that the end of June will be a good, good time!

Three Letter Words

Your bloodline is as pure as the hashish you smoke.
You are unique, one in a million.
You are the goddess of all gods.

I don't know why, but I'm just hopelessly in love with you.
You are so fragile.
So petite.
Yet so strong.
Like a lioness.

It is only you who can satiate my appetite.
Wont you come to me then?
Even if it's only in my dream...

Once A Pessimist, ALways A Cynic

I don't really understand why people should be judged during their worst phases in life. I believe in quite the opposite, I feel that it is during one's phase of success that the inner monsters come out-for the world to see, but the world is too busy to notice.
I have been through the drill without even realising it. It's just that when you're observing someone else, the picture becomes clearer.
All my life (and I can put my hand on my heart and say this) I've always lent a helping hand to those in need, during their times of trouble. Be it people who are close to me or mere acquaintances, but very few have remembered me during their good times. The worst part is that it's generally the people who you think you're the closest to, who treat you like second class citizens once they're done needing your help-be it emotional, financial or any other.
Over the last few months I've noticed this mean, ruthless streak grow in me.  just don't feel like helping anybody, even though I know I can. I feel terrible about it too. But my head asks me to recollect all the times when I've trusted blindly and have been duped. So I land up turning the other cheek.

The world that I live in, is making me a mean, cynical and cruel person with each passing day. It's not my fault. As Darwin would put it, it is the survival of the fittest.

Battle Royale isn't too macabre a concept. At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if similar policies are introduced by the governments across the world (if they remain at all). It's just a matter of time. The Apocalypse isn't too far away my friends!