Queer As...

When sleeping forever seems like a distant dream, I go back to my chemically induced thoughts and ideas.
Everything works in a loop and I'm just a shadow of who I used to be.
The shadow keeps getting faint.
So transparent.

I hate dreaming, it only leads to heartbreak.
And pain.
Agony.

Happy new year to me.
Another year gone by, reminding me of what a failure I am.
I've failed.
At pretty much everything I have tried to do.
And it's because I don't love myself enough.
I don't think of myself as someone worthy of happiness.

I've been a bad person.
I will continue to be so.
But I've also been a good person sometimes.
Many times.
Where did that get me?

Fuck you for trying to bring me down.
Fuck you for making me feel like dirt.
Fuck you for corrupting my notions of love and life.
Fuck you for ruining my life.

It still hurts.
Just like the first time.
Another year gone by but the memories haven't  faded yet.

Innocent kisses.
The feeling of helplessness.
False bravado.
Secret tears.
Semen.
Semen.
Semen.
And most importantly, so much pain...

I'm so tired of the hurt that memories still cause.
I'm tired of putting up a brave face everyday and going about pretending like nothing's wrong.
I'm so tired of resorting to other people and other things to make everything better.
I'm just so tired.
I wish I could go to bed tonight and never wake up....I wish I could sleep forever....