So if there really was a will and consequently a way,
would you stay
and try to make amends?

Tell Me All About It!

Have you ever looked into a mirror? Really looked into it? Have you ever tried to get past the beauty? The vanity. Or maybe the innumerable flaws. What do you really see, someone else?

I can't look into the mirror for too long. It's too intense. I feel like I'm breaking down the walls and really seeing myself. That scares me. It really does scare me. Beneath the calm, composed and perhaps maybe even a little shy exterior lies this abnormally intense person who I really fear. It's as though I'm facing my worst nightmare right in front of me-my darkest, most disturbing self. My alter ego, as most people would call it. But there's more to it than that, it's not just an extension of who I am but the very reason for my existence, it's my own best friend, residing right inside my head. But unfortunately it's also my worst enemy.

What do I do now, during times like these when I'm lost and I don't know which side of me I should really embrace? What do I fucking do, just go with the flow or force myself to escape the situation like a coward by getting high? What do I need to do to resolve this conflict which is practically tearing me apart? No answer. Nobody seems to have any answers to my questions these days.

On a completely unrelated note, Gaddafi was killed today. Hooray! they're celebrating in Libya apparently. I don't really care much except for the fact that Gaddafi was quite useful to India, I wonder if the new government will be as friendly and continue to grant benefits to India. But what I don't get is why these Libyans have started to celebrate, they should really save it till the time they have a fully functional democratic government. Otherwise who knows, maybe another Gaddafi is lurking in the background somewhere, waiting to hold the nation captive again for nearly half a century. Who will seem like the real fools then, eh?

Pyar Ka Tohfa revisited

I'm going to start wearing heels.

And makeup.

And little black dresses.

And fuss about my hair for hours at a stretch.

Maybe wear some fancy perfume.

Match my accessories.

And dress to kill.

But I'll still wait for her to call,

though I know she won't

And I'll wait for her to call,

when I know she won't....

I'm sorry, Pyar Ka Tohfa is this song by my band, Ganesh Talkies https://www.facebook.com/GaneshTalkies and it's probably my favourite song of the lot, I got hold of the first mix today and I can't help but play it in loop! The whole process of writing a song, jamming with your band, hitting the studio to record it and then listening to the final product (though I haven't yet!) gives such a high. I've always treated all my songs as my babies, that feeling when they come to life right in front of you is just indescribable!

It's moments like these time and again, which reinforce my desire to keep at it. I sing/write not because I want fame/money etc but because I love it with all my heart and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. It does take a toll on my personal and social life at times since I'm constantly working but trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's only been two years and *touchwood* things are looking quite bright. I'm playing with people who have been my childhood heroes, people who've I have idolized and looked up to are considering playing with me. It's so surreal that sometimes wonder if it's a dream that I'm living in!

Whatever it is, I hope this streak never ends...and yes, if you are from Kolkata, you might want to keep checking this space, Ganesh Talkies has a lot of surprises in store for November! :)

Searching For Nibbana, eh?

The beauty is in trying to find the order, the pattern that connects every single thought, every single moment to this giant tapestry that is life. I don't need hallucinogens to get me thinking. Man is supposedly the most superior developed creature here on earth, but why is it that despite coming such a long way; inventing, re-inventing and discovering so many things; pushing one's intellectual capacity to the maximum; fighting so many battles to gain freedom are we still not free. I was watching this movie called A L' Adventure and it really got me thinking about this whole pattered trap that has been set upon us by society. We eat at a particular time, sleep at a particular time, defecate at a particular time and even copulate at a particular time. So even though we can vote to choose the government and have equal rights and blah blah blah, are we truly free?

Even all these thoughts in our head have been planted by the "system" (let's call it that, makes talking about it easier that way!) and not just that, our emotions and our reactions fall under a pattern too and anybody who deviates, either by choice or by force is immediately labelled an outcast. A person who does not show pain when under immense physical trauma is called a madman. A person who laughs when somebody dies will probably be looked down upon as mentally retarded. But are they really? Or are they among some of the very few who have been able to break free from the chains that society has tied around our throats ever since the beginning of civilization of man?

I know that most people reading this will probably think of me as someone who is either on hallucinogens or probably has too much time in their hand to waste on such absurd thoughts. I's a common reaction. Why common? Because such reactions and defense mechanisms have been so deeply imbibed in each and every one of us that none of us are able to think beyond that at first. While I'm not of the opinion that everybody falls into this category, there may be a few exceptions here and there but sadly, most people lack the basic power to think beyond a set pattern. It's almost like their brains are computers which have only a few programs installed in them, anything beyond those will lead to a complete crash of the system.

So if we were to think beyond our smart-ass inventions and our basic life-skills, do any of us have the courage to even TRY to attain complete freedom, if it exists at all and has man's cognition really developed or are we just being fooled into believing that it has and no other species is as "developed" as man?

ps- There was an essay called 'Freedom; by George Bernard Shaw (for a radio series I think) that I read a couple of years back. Do read it and you'll get a clearer picture of what I'm really trying to get to. Also, here is the imdb link for A L' Adventure:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1235552/

ID-entity

You are not your fancy manicured and pedicured limbs.

You are not your Chanel dress.

You are not your leather boots.

You are not your money.

You are not your fancy college degree.

You are not your glitzy job.

You are not the commodities that you use.

Not your ego.

Not your superior social standing.

Not your lust.

Not your bizarre need to succeed.

Just your favourite worst enemy...

Bully

I see you as I pass by you.

You talk so big.

Talk so loud.

Trying to put other people down.

Just to bring yourself up, in your own eyes.

And I don't feel anger.

I don't feel hate.

Just sympathy, poor you.

You got no soul.

You got no rhythm.

You got nothing that sets you apart from the rest.

Just your bloated ego.

And your equally bloated sense of self worth.

I see you trying to act so smart.

Trying to make yourself feel so special.

Trying so hard to belong.

To feel appreciated.

Like you really are worth something.

But you never get what you want,

so you take it all out on someone else.

Someone not as crude as you.

Someone not as hateful as you.

Someone more at peace with themselves.

And not lacking compassion to this extent.

But you, you got no soul.

You got no rhythm.

You got nothing that sets you apart from the rest.

So sheltered and so protected.

So far removed from the dangers of reality.

But how long do you think the cover will remain?

When you die, not a single soul will come forward to cremate you

-Only the vultures, left to devour your lifeless body.

Nameless and faceless.

A faded memory of a ruffian, at best.

Is that what you really want of your life child?

Hop/Skip etc!

Skip, skip, skip to my Lou.

Either that, or anyone else will do.

skip skip, skip to my Lou

skip to my Lou my darling.

Lost my mind now,

what do I do?

Lost my mind,

now what should I do?

Lost my mind,

only for you.

Just skip to my Lou, my darling?

Maybe I'll get one,

just like you.

Baby, I'll get one,

better than you.

Whoops, I just got one

prettier than you.

So you skip to the Lou, my darling!

Skip skip skip to the Lou

yea, you skip skip skip to the Lou.

you can run, jump or hide too.

Just skip to the Lou, my darling...

Patterns Of The Past

No matter how hard it is to accept, but from the minute that you are born till the minute that you die, life follows a pattern. You are made to follow a pattern. You may think that you're evolving and you're maturing with time but you're not. Psychologists say that the period of 0-5 years of age is crucial for children as it molds them into a miniature version of what they'll turn out to be like as adults.

Quite obviously, I don't remember much about my childhood, except for a strange sense of detachment which I compensated by trying to make sense of pretty much whatever I saw around me. You may call it an overdose of inquisitiveness but I would say it was more of using my mind to take me to places which would cure the loneliness. I always somehow just knew that I was going to be my own best friend in my make-believe world. I don't think things have changed much since then, I'm still the same, trying to make sense of things, trying to figure out the order amid the disorder. The patterns keep coming back like the old rehashed jokes told by ageing contestants in comedy shows on TV these days.

My childhood is something that I am indebted to-I was exposed to a whole lot of good books, good music and raised in an atmosphere where intellect and intelligence highly sought after. The seeds were thus planted and I kept germinating them as I grew older.

I may come across as an adolescent at times-reckless and shallow, but that is only in the eyes of people who're judging me without actually knowing me. I remember reading the Gita back in high school and it changed my perspective on life and spirituality considerably. I am still an atheist, but yes, I have acquired the right to be so, because atheism isn't a fad for me like most others, I have read the Qu'uran and the Gita and trust me, both books, when you strip them down to the bone, talk about the same thing. But anyway, my views on religion are for another post.

Ever since I read the Gita, there were two particular shloks that I just knew that I had to keep with me at all times like a talisman, so I got them tattooed across my back, like protective incantations but as usual, the outside world perceived it to be a show-they cheapened the purpose by thinking of it as self-ornamentation. Again, this too fell just into the pattern. When I was younger, kids in school respected me but hated me at the same time for always managing to fare well overall and thus be the blue-eyed girl among the teachers. They called me names behind my back but shared their tiffin with me everyday during recess. I know for a fact that in the future too, no matter what I do or say, maybe in my workplace or maybe in college itself, I will receive a lot of flak. But somehow it doesn't bother me anymore. A vaccination injects the germs into your body so that your body can develop defense mechanisms to fight it off, my brain too, has developed immunity to certain such social viruses and I am no longer afraid.

My mind would bother me a lot as I was growing up. The constant and the nagging feeling of not really belonging with the people of my age depressed the hell out of me. I constantly felt like an outsider amid the girls and boys of my age who kept themselves or rather keep themselves engulfed in mindless activities and trivialize their lives by constantly thinking and talking about either other people or insignificant things, thus wasting their ability to think and do something constructive with it-a power that only humans, among all other living beings possess.

But time is the greatest teacher there ever is, it taught me to let go of all my reservations and all my apprehensions and just do my own thing, feel what I want to feel and think what I want to think-without some external factor influencing them.

They say you have to be reborn 7 times before you can achieve the ultimate enlightenment-nibbana and break free from the cycle of life and death. According to Buddhist scriptures, if you're a woman, then nirvana is not for you, the best you can hope and "pray" for is to be reborn as a man in your next birth and then complete the cycle. But you know what, I'm not going to fall for crap like that. For me, this is the ultimate life that I am living and when I die, my soul dies with me and it's not going to come back. Also, what is nirvana but a state of mind? Don't get me wrong when I say that, I don't mean that one can attain salvation by resorting to psychotropic drugs. But I believe that nirvana is very much achievable, you just have to set your mind to it and focus.

I know I will find my salvation someday, in this life that too.

The pattern shall be broken.

All In One-type post

I know it's been a while since I last sat down and typed something out here, my apologies. I won't say crap like how I've been very busy and la la la, but the truth is that I have REALLY bad time management skills.

I used to hear that it's lonely on top and boy, is that right or what! I turned 20 with a bang, ended my adolescence in the most irresponsible way possible, but I guess growing old doesn't mean that the streak of eccentricity will go away. It's somehow very comforting to know that.

Anyway, last week taught me that just because I'm only 20 and probably one of the very few, people will put me under a microscope and try to bring out my flaws, but I shouldn't let them. It's not everyday when musicians old enough to be your grandfather and your father tell you that you're on the right path and that you should keep at it, since they don't give such timeless advice to any plain Jane wannabe either, I think I should take them seriously and really, I mean REALLY give music a serious thought!

But on the flip-side, I'm taking a huge risk here as well. Let's face it, I have no life whatsoever since I'm constantly on work mode. I wake up, only to go to college, then head to practise from there. I get back home, work on my own music, practise, read a book or procrastinate and then go to sleep, this happens for about 5 times a week, and for the other two days, it's almost the same, except I have a gig at night, after which I get back home and fall back into the cycle once again.

I see people my age in amateur bands have fun, who have so much time for themselves and have such seemingly eventful lives and I can't help but wonder whether or not I am in fact missing out on anything. But I guess I'll never know, cause I will always be a few steps too ahead for others to catch up. It's the price that I have to pay for having the spotlight all to myself.

Boyfriend and I had this crazy theory that it's very hard to stay here in Kolkata, make music and be in a relationship with someone who is not a fellow musician (!) but with time, I realise that somehow it's true. I'm not talking about jokers who're think they're musicians, but the true gems, the kind of life that one has to lead is not all that glamorous. Once they get off of that stage, only some of us know what they really are. Their stories are quite alike horror stories. The mere thought of living their lives gives me the creeps.

Maybe things will change one day and we will be at par with the others, but the way things are going thanks to this new government, I doubt it'd be anytime soon. I mean, c'mon you were voted to power to do something constructive for the state, not pocket the public's wealth. Old party, new party. New dog, old dog. Good dog, bad dog, they're all the same really! None of them give a shit. Like a chain that is being passed down generations after generation, the process and effects of corruption are continual.

But even more appalling is how uneducated the youth today really are. Like brain dead zombies, they all know their abc's and their 123's but the truth is none of them are able to THINK about anything that they haven't been taught in school/college. I fail to realise how lack of knowledge can ever be a "cool" thing. They may score a cent percent in their exam , but try to strike up a conversation with them about anything apart from the latest gossip and see how miserably they fail.

"I don't read books.

I listen to limited music.

I like to conform to societal pressure.

I don't read the newspaper.

I don't like to explore, think new things

Hell, I don't even like to think

I think it's cool to hate those who do"

-this sort of (though arbitrary) sums up the general attitude of my "generation".

But you know what, I'm not going to crib, I belong to that group of people who will use this as an opportunity to move past all others and leave a mark.

A lot of people, most infact, seem to hate Lady GaGa, but the more I think of her, the more she seems to inspire me. She's this fucking goddess, who has let go of everything, shed all her inhibitions and is being herself every second of her life without worrying about what society feels about her. Her songs may be shallow and "too pop-ish" to a lot of people, but I think they're being judgmental and prejudiced-which is EXACTLY what Lady Gaga speaks out against. So the next time you listen to the song 'Born This Way' by Lady GaGa, please listen without prejudice and think, really think, about what she's really trying to tell you. If you STILL don't get it, then you're a dunce who probably never will, clinging too hard to all your morals and all your pre-conceived notions.

So I think she's not just a pop-star gyrating in her videos, I think she's a true artist. If you think I'm a fool for saying this about her and not some band screeching/growling/whatever their lungs out uselessly, then it's not really my problem now, is it? Atleast I don't judge music on the basis of genre, so who's the bigger fool?

Till then, peace ahoy!

:)

The Middle and The Subsequent Extreme.

Scrub the floors.

Scrub them real hard.

Make sure that no stains catch my eye once the deed is done.

Otherwise I am going to unleash all my fury.

Raise hell.

And what not.

Shifting shape.

Talking in tongue.

Is who you are,

not what you've become!

Bleak Paintings.

We're all wasting away my friend, wasting away, fading into oblivion with each passing minute.

Will you please hold my hand while I barf at the thought?

I'm growing old. I'm becoming senile. Overtly critical about myself. Pessimistic. Indifferent. I'm trying to run away from the ennui that has permanently set up camp in my head, but only in vain.

Is this a sneak peak into what life as an adult (read old person) is like?

Or have I been sober for too damn long?

(sorry, the pic has nothing to do with my post. Since I'm posting a whole lotta crap for you to read anyway, the least I can do is add some colour to it!)

You'll Never Know

You're so pretty that I could spend the entire day just looking at you.

And take in as much as I can.

You're so vibrant.

Full of colour and joy.

Full of ideas.

Full of ideals.

And what not.

I love how you've spun me in your web of lies.

or so you think.

I love how you think you're playing this game so well.

And you're winning.

I may not show it.

You may not know it.

But I've got you locked inside a cage.

I've clipped your wings.

And I'm not going to set you free...

What will you do now,

tell on me?

Maybe One Day...

One day I shall run away.

Throw a few things into my backpack.

Grab some change.

A bottle of water maybe.

A journal to write my adventures in.

See places I've never seen.

Live off of whatever I get.

Shave my head.

Bottle away all my pride.

Get in touch with my long lost soul.

One day I shall run away.

Far from this place that I call home.

Find a new one.

Stare at the stars all through the night.

Without a care in the world.

Without an aim.

Without a destination.

Without pretense.

One day I shall run away.

But till then I'm just a vagabond at heart...

My Pick: Videos That Reek Of Awesomeness!

(in random order)

1. Can't Stop-Red Hot Chili Peppers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfOdWSiyWoc&feature=relmfu
2. Typical-Mutemath http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XVWR-5fiG0&feature=related
3. Hella Good-No Doubt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtTj4cramPM
4. Let's Dance-David Bowie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4d7Wp9kKjA

Don't try to get inside my head,

Don't try to get inside my head,

Don't try to get inside my head.

I'm not even thinking about the things that you think I am...

Heartshaped

A bottle of vodka. A bottle of pills.

Might provide a few hours worth cheap thrills.

But they can't quite mend the broken heart.

A stranger in my bed.

Can't quite shut out the thoughts from my head.

He can't quite mend my broken heart.

Tell me how to mend a broken heart

Teach me how to find a brand new start

and I'll be forever indebted to you.

Am I not welcome in your head anymore?

Just because you walked out that door,

doesn't mean that you can run away...

Letting Go

"cause there's beauty in breakdown...so let go, let go..." -Frou Frou

These little pieces of the puzzle that conveniently stitch us together won't ever fall apart, will they? I'm scared stiff. I'm holding back tears tonight but I don't know if I can keep pushing them back for much longer. I want to let go of all my insecurities and jump right in, but I can't. I don't know what's holding me back.

If only it were that easy...

"Such boundless pleasure

We've no time for later

Now you can't await

your own arrival

you've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go, so let go

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So, let go, yeah let go

Just get in

Oh, it's so amazing here

It's all right

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown..."