Do It and Do It Again

So this is my first post from the rape capital of India, New Delhi. I moved here in August (?) and have been studying (?) at JNU, which I think is making me an even bigger elitist asshole than I used to be before I got here.

I've been living in a state of perpetual haze and I have absolutely no idea what it is that I am doing. I don't even recognise the person I am anymore. It's sad and scary.
What do you do when you lose control of your life? I had my shit together and everything changed all of a sudden. I have no idea what the future has in store for me. I am scared, I am terribly terribly scared. But mostly I'm just sad because I've come to terms with the fact that good things don't last forever.

Starting all over again is something that I've always wanted to do. There is no monster here. But that would mean erasing all the memories that I've been suppressing for so long. I can't get myself to do that. I'm not that strong yet.

But what if I don't want it to go away because it makes me who I am?
What if I've been scarred so deep that I can never fully heal?

Life is supposed to be all fun and games when you're a child. But my childhood, unfortunately, was not like that.I've been trying to compensate for that on my own, but look where it got me. I'm more lost than I have ever been. I have no idea who I am anymore.
I have no morals. I have no sense of right and wrong. I loathe my body at times, I scar it, abuse it and try and break it . But there's nothing wrong with my body, it's my head that needs cleansing.

Why can't I break out of this cycle of self-harm and channel it to do something more constructive with my life?
Probably because everything I do and say is placed under a magnifying glass and scrutinised oh so dearly.
But by who, girls who want to be like me? Boys who want to be with me?
No, people who have absolutely no idea what it's like to be me.
So I crawl back into my shell, stop expressing how I really feel.
And I die a little bit, as each day passes me by.

Feelings are overrated anyway, aren't they?
If I could, I really would pull an 'Eternal Sunshine' on myself just to see what it feels like to not feel anything.


I wish people would see that it's not easy to put up a brave face all the time. I want to feel vulnerable again, only this time not have anybody take advantage of that. But I can't let my guard down because there is nobody to trust.
Some love me for my body and the things they can do to/with it.
Some love me for my head, they love to probe and see how damaged I am.

But guess who I love. I love no one except for myself. I do love other human beings occasionally, but I will always put myself before them. I'm not even apologetic about it because I truly believe that it's okay to be a selfish person. Everyone is a selfish person at the end of the day. I'm no exception. I'm no martyr.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me, right?